Trying to salvage what I can, trying to cope with what I can't

[dwright5]

Hi,

My story might be a little complicated. A little over a year ago, a new girl at work started. We hit it off and became quick friends and would get lunch and would work closely together on projects. She would call and text a lot off the clock despite being married, although she would admit that she is in a marriage that is on the brink of ending. I wouldn't act on it because I thought that would be inappropriate, but established we can remain friends.

Our friendship grew quite a bit, and we would start hanging out on weekends and would always make plans to do things. During this time, she would confide in me about the troubles in her marriage and I would do my best to encourage her to do what was right for her, whether it meant giving her husband a second chance if she thought it was best for all parties involved (they also have a young child) or if she really believed she needed to leave the marriage to do so, and to remember she has a strong support system around her with her family and friends. She would also confide in me conversations she'd be having with other men that I thought were often inappropriate, but they never led to anything. That is until it finally did. I was disappointed with this as this person was not exactly somebody that I personally felt would be good for her son to have around. (She texted me a picture from the time she went to this guy's house and he had drugs and a knife right next to his bed) This eventually fizzled out. Then there was a guy who came back into her life who she had a complicated history with that she was talking with who was in a complicated marriage and his wife found them texting and came to her house late one night and confronted her about it as her husband was coming home from work.

Being around someone like this was becoming a bit stressful for me. She was a good friend to me, but the drama was getting a bit out of control. She had noticed my frustration with some of the things going on and how I made a comment that I was going to be busier the next few months so I wasn't sure when we'd be able to hang out and do certain things she had asked me about previously. She asked why I was being so cold and mean to her, but I didn't see it that way. That night, our company took our department to a group outing where a lot of people had a lot to drink. At this point, since we live 5 minutes from each other, we were carpooling together. We agreed to pick up another co-worker in the area so if he chose to drink, he'd have a ride. The relationship between he and her was tense sometimes, with him being outwardly rude and nasty to her at times, and other times being friendly and nice. He and I always got along, and since he was on a good streak with her, I thought nothing of this and thought we'd all get along. He had a bit to drink that night and he had randomly requested that I be dropped off first despite the fact that I live right by her and she'd be going back out of her way to drive him home after. From there, she explained that he kissed her outside his house in the car and a few other things happened from there and that halfway through the situation, she realized she didn't want to be doing this and tried to stop and he proceeded to get nasty with her. Hearing this story from her absolutely shook me up. I was mad that she let herself into that situation, I was mad that had I just said that he needed to go home and that he was drunk, this wouldn't have happened and I was furious at his behavior towards her. She claimed despite everything that he was a great kisser and if the opportunity arose again, she might consider it. I was completely confused by this. She would later concede that this was some kind of defense mechanism she was using to cope with the situation. I just couldn't understand it and to this day, my friendship with this guy is strained to put it nicely.

It was at this point that I realized I had very intense feelings for her strangely. She and I talked as we normally did in her garage until about 4-5 in the morning and had a cordial discussion. The week after, there was this odd sexual tension building between us more and more and sure enough, one week later that Friday, I gave in to some temptation and she and I kissed. It was extremely passionate and she and I were talking non-stop for the entire weekend despite not seeing each other. After she had a few drinks too many at a concert she went to that weekend, she went with some people she randomly met at the show to go get food at a diner. They ended up taking her back to her house and yelled at her for not wanting to fool around with any of them. When she told me this, I asked her where she was so I can go get her, but she couldn't figure it out she claimed, and she had her friend who went with her smartly follow her because she got a bad vibe from those guys. It was that night she said those three words: "I love you."

We couldn't stop hanging out and talking to each other, she insisted that she loved me and I admittedly loved her too. I still do. Since her husband worked late hours, we can hang out after work uninterrupted. During this time, she mentioned how she was talking to an old college friend of hers who was looking to come work at our company. I thought nothing of it, except for the fact that this guy was texting and calling all the time as our new relationship was starting to blossom. I just thought it was odd, and the way this guy talks, it's very flirty. Despite this, she insisted I was the one for her, that she never loved anyone like she loved me, that she always had feelings for me and acted out to get my attention and to see if I would bite. I admitted as well that I always had a small crush on her, but managed to keep my feelings in check because of the circumstances. She would talk in absolutes about the idea of us being married and having a family one day. Being in my 30s, this was all exciting to hear because this was one of my best friends and now she might actually be the one.

Her friend ended up getting the job and she had mentioned to me that he had sent her kind of a weird vibe after he got hired but hadn't started yet. He said that they were going to hang out all the time and that his ex-girlfriend always hated hearing stories about the stuff they used to do in college and that it was gonna be just like old times. She said after saying that that I would probably hate this guy. I told her that admittedly, this guy was clearly coming on strong and that it needs to be curbed. She said he's very persistent, which sounded to me like a concession of some sort rather than an agreement that she would try and keep him in check.

Naturally, he comes around all the time in the middle of the work day and IMs her all day and occupies a lot more of her time compared to how it used to be with us. It was frustrating for sure. He was always there when all I wanted to do was have a few minutes alone with her. He was instantly complaining to her that I didn't like him and told her that he picked up the idea that I might have a thing for her. His constant need to be around did put a lot of strain on our relationship. She started saying I changed and wanted to know why I was not getting along with him. I told her that he is coming on too strong as far as I was concerned. She would do things like assure me from text conversations that there was nothing sexual or flirty going on, which I thought was fair. But I did notice a change in her behavior and how if the three of us were outside on a smoke break or at lunch, the two of them would dominate the conversation and there was hardly any spot for me to pivot into the conversation. During this time, she had asked me to take a step back for a bit, and wanted to be less associated with me at work. She didn't want to be associated with just one person at work anymore. (She had claimed she had earned a reputation for being my sidekick, which I never heard anywhere else but from her) However, I noticed the hypocrisy when we were out at a happy hour with co-workers and she and him snuck off to their own table and were buying each other drinks and acting flirty.

After talking with her about these incidents and how I was getting frustrated and felt disrespected, she called me in a breakdown one night after work and admitted she suffered from BPD. She claimed that her emotions and feelings for me are very strong and she doesn't know how to handle it all while she deals with trying to get her husband to leave (which she had been trying to do for almost 2 years) and deal with all these other family issues she has. Since then, I've been reading more and more about these issues and trying to understand how to handle things from my end, as well as figure out what triggers her reactions.

I came to a breaking point though a few weeks ago when she had made plans to go down to Atlantic City, NJ with co-workers and myself. She drove down and initially, I was sitting in the front, until she kicked me out and had him sit in the front instead. We then picked up someone else for the ride and of course, the entire conversation in the car ride pertained to the two of them. Despite any efforts I made to make small talk with her that morning, she was not having it. After I made a comment to her that I had noticed that the flirtation was again a bit too much, she decided to tell me off in front of the entire group of people we came with. She was cold and nasty to me the rest of the night and I even spoke with her friend she carries the flirtation on with to understand what I'm doing wrong. The problem ultimately is that our relationship has to be kept quiet because of her marriage. So he's oblivious to the fact there has ever been anything going on between she and I but insisted that he doesn't have feelings for her. Later that night, he gave me his cell phone to play music on the car ride back and when they got out of the car to stop at a convenience store for a drink and food that night, I gave in and took a look at their conversations. I was disappointed to see that most of it had to do with her telling him how much she hated me and being around me, along with her sending him a few provocative selfies. From there, it was about 5am, and he had asked if I wanted to crash at her house since he was planning to since it was a late night. Before I can say anything, she told me "No" and pointed to the door for me to leave. She also made it clear she refused to talk to me about anything that happened last night because all I would do was manipulate the situation.

I didn't make an effort to talk to her that whole next day. I was angry, humiliated, and above all else, heartbroken. I have never been treated that disrespectfully before. Especially by someone who I love and who claims that they love me like she did. Near the end of the night, she texted and called me to ask if I was ok. I didn't answer her right away because I was busy but I did call her back eventually. She sounded concerned, she sounded like she was expecting me to tell her that I hate her. I told her that wasn't the case, but that I had to be honest and let her know that I hate being around her when he's around because she's a different person around him, a person who makes me feel meaningless. We talked a bit more that night and I thought left things in a decent place. The next day at work, despite sitting next to her, I made no effort to speak with her and buried myself in my work and she asked why I wasn't talking to her and I explained that I was working. She called me later that night again and reiterated the whole she feels like I hate her conversation and I told her that was not the case and that I'm doing the best I can to be civil at work because I don't feel comfortable talking about anything else with her at this time. The same thing repeated the next day and this time, she was about ready to crack. She asked me to meet her at the grocery store after work, and when we did, she reached out for a hug and we both kissed each other on the cheek impulsively. We never do PDA so this was kind of the closest we'd ever been with that. We actually had fun food shopping and she asked me to sit with her in her car for a bit. She put her head on my shoulder and I kissed her forehead. We both said we miss each other and that we love each other. She then messaged me later that night and thanked me, for being as she put it "Reminding the girl who always wants it to rain that it doesn't always have to".

Despite that, it's been a little back and forth. We talk regularly, she still has things that triggers negative feelings towards me. She'll call me on her way home from work, she'll call me some nights before bedtime. We don't say I love you very often anymore. The one thing I noticed that I find very odd is that almost every time her friend from college comes over to her desk now, he always says "I love you" to her when he leaves. Now, when we were at our hottest, we both knew that was a big no-no for many reasons. I don't really know what that's all about. It's just all a bit of a mess right now, and having someone else in there kind of stirring things up has not made this easy. What do I do? How should I interpret all these things? It's sometimes a lot for me to process. I wish she loved me like she did at the beginning of things, but I realize that's very unrealistic. I wish I can take back my self-respect without leaving her completely and if there is a way, I do want to be with her as impossible as it all seems. Please help, and please feel free to share your thoughts on all of this. Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dwright, What makes you think that your friend has BPD, other than her claim that she suffers from the disorder?  Since you are here on the Saving Board, presumably you are interested in saving your r/s.  What is your current situation with your friend?  Is she seeing the other guy?  I'm uncertain about where things stand at present.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJIm

[dwright5]

Hi Jim, thanks for responding and sorry for a lack of clarification. I can't confirm to you if she's seeing this guy for certain, except that he's been hanging out with her more outside of work and he is still overly flirty towards her. She seems at least at work to be watching herself and doesnt laugh as much at things he does or says like she did before. She told me about her diagnosis and she is prone to very impulsive behavior, has had problems with drug addiction (her friend is one who she used to regularly do drugs with back in college) and has had other issues like anorexia come up in her past too. She claims she was diagnosed with this at a rather young age because of anger issues she had. She is a psych major so she claims to study a lot to know better coping mechanisms besides talking to a therapist every so often. Like I said, our relationship is in a gray area currently. We talk but not as frequently. She admits I anger her but won't tell me what I do. I rarely make an attempt to contact her outside of work now because I really don't know who I'm gonna get on the other line.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, dwright5, In other words, it sounds like you are currently apart, but you are interested in giving it another try?  Does that sum up your current situation?  If you did give it another try, what makes you think it would go differently?  Have you had a chance to think about your role and why you got into a r/s with her in the first place?  It might be worth examining and you might learn something about yourself.  Usually there is something in one's past that makes one susceptible to a r/s with a pwBPD.

LuckyJim

[cherryblossom]

So you're in the soup too huh? Sucks! If she does have BPD it doesn't seem like she is getting any treatment/support/utilising DBT skills? (you may know more?) Is she committed to recovery and healing? If she cant commit to herself she cant commit to anyone -what attracts you to someone who seems so unavailable?

[dwright5]

She used to be so open with me, or at least I thought so before we got more romantic. She would always tell me I was only her second true friend. And now, today she tells me that she's always irritated with me and doesn't know why. She then said that she thinks I'm smart and manipulative and have a way with words and always know how to get things to be my way and there's something dishonest and untrustworthy that she sees in that. That I'll do harm to some to get what I want. I told her I didn't think those accusations were fair or true and when I asked for an example, she wouldn't provide one. She says she's having a hard time getting back to us being us because of this. I honestly feel all I've been trying to do is be open and honest about my feelings so I don't know what I did to trigger that reaction. But I was somewhat relieved that she told me she felt this way because it's become more and more obvious over time. Our dynamic is kind of broken. I don't know if I want the romantic part back at this point. I definitely want my friend back though.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dwright5, So, you're trying to salvage the friendship?  But you're not trying to rekindle the romance?  It's a tall order, in my view, because you are likely a trigger for her emotions.  I would take her accusations with a grain of salt, because those w/BPD are constantly trying to shift the responsibility to the Non.

LuckyJim

[dwright5]

Thanks Jim. I feel like I need to at least be friendly because we work together and sit next to each other 40 hours a week. Otherwise this is a very difficult time in the office. The situation is far from ideal and pending one of us getting fired or getting a new job, I'm kind of stuck with her.

[Lucky Jim]

Sounds like a job change might be in order.  In the meantime, I understand the need for harmony in the work place.  Maybe you could arrange to have your desk moved to a different location?

LuckyJim

[dwright5]

Jim, I'm considering other options at this time. Coincidentally, we just moved next to each other to new deals. I might request this change for the time being but would you have any suggestions as to why without there being any speculation to a problem with her or asking if I need to speak with HR? Don't want a major issue to blow up because I know she will

[cherryblossom]

Sorry just giving my 2 pence - sheis an adult and she is choosing to behave these ways instead of getting help? If she blows up you cannot be held responsible for that she is an adult - she knows she has the disorder - people can recover from it - she could put dbt skills to use if she has them in her repitoire of coping strategies - u could speak to her 1st and validate her lots first b4 explaing u got to move desks?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dwright, Maybe you could couch it as something you need to do -- moving your work space -- for some other reason that doesn't involve her.  Be creative.  You can come up with a valid reason, I'm sure.  You need to be cagey and strategic, in my view, when a person w/BPD is involved.

LuckyJim

[dwright5]

I'll be working on the desk move for sure in the coming days and see if I can get it approved. In the meantime, she spoke with me on Friday about her annoyance level still being high and that even though she's trying to act like she's fine with me, she really isn't. Out of the sheer frustration of it all, I told her that she needed to do what was best for her and that if that meant not having me around, that although I don't want that, I'm prepared to accept that. She kept reiterating that's not what she wants and she wants us to go back to how we were. I said that I really hoped we can have a chance to rebuild our friendship and ultimately, our relationship. While I said I wanted the friendship back a few days ago, I realize I'm not ready for that. My feelings are too strong that I can't go back and let them be ignored if she's going to be around. When she said that she doesn't think there will be a relationship, I was honest and told her I don't think there's going to be a friendship because of how strongly I feel about her and having her in my life and ignoring those feelings isn't fair to me. She said she's mostly annoyed with me because she feels we're too different and that she feels like I'm too optimistic about us being able to sustain a relationship, and that she just wants to be detached and do her own thing. She claimed I'm overly possessive because of instances where I told her some things she wanted to do didn't sound like good ideas. (ex: I told her going to a show that she said was being held in a dangerous area that an ex that she has a lot of tension with asked her to was a bad idea in my opinion.) I told her I didn't think I was making an absurd request. I encourage her hobbies and her spending time with friends and family always. She left it at that we were too different and said she had to go. That was Friday, and other than her sending me a funny picture of her son yesterday morning, I haven't spoken to her this weekend. Any feedback/thoughts on this exchange?