exBPD breaks NC through the use of her kids

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So it's been almost 2 months NC since my exBPD last dumped me - that is after stalking me during the previous 3 months NC period and seducing me into taking her back (only to dump me less than two weeks later right after Christmas)... .

I've been really struggling this time, definitely more so than during that 3 month period in the fall.  So today, I get a text from her younger kid saying "hello".  Funny thing is I have my exBPD blocked on my phone as well as her older kid blocked.  So now her other kid must have an ipod or something and she obviously gave her kid my number to text me... .

My gut instinct is of course to ignore it and delete it as it seems like just another tactic to slowly draw me back in again only to have my heart blown to shreds again (I can't survive another trip around the merry-go-round with her, the last one almost killed me or sent me to the psych ward). 

I guess I just struggle because I deeply loved her children and treated them as my own for 4 years.  I taught them how to skate, ride their bikes, did so many things for them over the years.  So it hurts to have to shut them out too, especially since they live two blocks away. 

Just looking for some strength from you guys that I'm making the right decision to ignore and delete the text without responding... .   the NC is hard enough and no matter how many times my exBPD has "promised" not to contact me again or that she will "leave me alone this time" or has "seen how badly she screwed me up" --- she just always seems to go back to wanting to contact me again and make this as hard as possible... .  :'( 

[bdyw8]

So it's been almost 2 months NC since my exBPD last dumped me - that is after stalking me during the previous 3 months NC period and seducing me into taking her back (only to dump me less than two weeks later right after Christmas)... .

I've been really struggling this time, definitely more so than during that 3 month period in the fall.  So today, I get a text from her younger kid saying "hello".  Funny thing is I have my exBPD blocked on my phone as well as her older kid blocked.  So now her other kid must have an ipod or something and she obviously gave her kid my number to text me... .

My gut instinct is of course to ignore it and delete it as it seems like just another tactic to slowly draw me back in again only to have my heart blown to shreds again (I can't survive another trip around the merry-go-round with her, the last one almost killed me or sent me to the psych ward). 

I guess I just struggle because I deeply loved her children and treated them as my own for 4 years.  I taught them how to skate, ride their bikes, did so many things for them over the years.  So it hurts to have to shut them out too, especially since they live two blocks away. 

Just looking for some strength from you guys that I'm making the right decision to ignore and delete the text without responding... .   the NC is hard enough and no matter how many times my exBPD has "promised" not to contact me again or that she will "leave me alone this time" or has "seen how badly she screwed me up" --- she just always seems to go back to wanting to contact me again and make this as hard as possible... .  :'( 

[thisworld]

Bdwy8 hi,

I think other members who have more experience with kids would be able to offer you more constructive suggestions at this stage but if it's just text, how do you know that it is the kid anyway? In either case, your ex is surely aware of what's happening.

You have chosen to go NC with the kids for two months as well, haven't you? And in the future, when you feel fully detached and safe, you can allow yourself to think of a more satisfying solution. For now, your health matters. It gets a bit sad when you think of the little one you know, but what would you be able to offer him on a constant basis anyway? What if he wants to go somewhere with you? Unfortunately, because of the circumstances, you may have to say No to him at one point - and that may came sooner than you expected if you initiate communication. What would be your healthy limit in this - you are already saying that you don't want to go back and that brought you to the verge of death.

In my experience, although I had a brief relationship, my ex and I seem to share an inner clock. When he senses more detachment, he sure does reappear in my life. (we are in limited contact). It's almost like he has "allowed" me a certain time to go without contact and when there is no contact after that, he just shows up in my life in some form. Interestingly, these are the times when I'll be thinking like "Oh, he has been away for 9 days now."

I'd stick to NC for now as you have already chosen to do so with the kids anyway.

Stay strong and try to move on in your mind as much as possible. Sometimes, there is no staying in the same place for us, we tend to fall back and in.

Sometimes, all we can do is to detach lovingly. Maybe here, that would be including him in your prayers - if that doesn't cause you severe pain. Maybe, let go and let God?

[bdyw8]

Thanks TW, you're right, my life and my sanity depend on it and I know that.   I will pray for them tonight because I do love them dearly too and care for them.  But it's too risky to open that line of communication.  It would be too painful for her kids too.  They need to detach from us too for their own sanity. 

I just wish my ex would not use her kids emotions like this.   She did things like this where she used the kids as pawns or weapons.  I think it's really hurtful not just to me to do this, but to her kids too.   I think she's putting them through undue pain to tell them to contact me when she (a) said she promised to leave us alone this time and (b) giving her kids hope by asking them to contact me.   

Lastly and this is the most devious thing about her, she knows if I don't reply it makes me the "bad guy" to her kids too.  she did this often when we were together where she would treat me like crap and I would want to walk out of the house to not take the abuse anymore - Then she would say to her kids "see Kids, bdyw8 doesn't want US, he's leaving US"... .

[thisworld]

Whenever I start seeing myself from another person's eyes in relation to my relationship with BPD ex -either his mother who has cancer and was a friend of mine or my ex's ex with whom he triangulated- I go back to reading this, which I find helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Then I admit to myself the "exact" nature of my wrongs without a)ignoring my wrongs but also b) NOT owning any wrongs that I didn't have but may be dictated on me.

These two help me. What would be healthy boundaries for you that take you out of the triangle and keep you within the exact nature of things that you do - if you agree with this line of thinking of course.

Stay strong!