Welcome to Memory Distortion Theater

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm going to conduct a little experiment here, live, on bpdfamily! Sit back and enjoy the show.

But, first, we have to recap our previous episode. My wife and I had a blowup on Valentine's Day, after she lost her job. She raged at me, I lost my temper back, and she decided to pack up and leave the state. She was gone for almost a week, while I scrambled to rearrange my schedule to be able to take care of D10 by myself.

When she came back, she offered a rather thoughtfully composed separation agreement. I had a few changes I wanted made, but I was willing to try the agreement, even if it just meant a small delay before filing for what seems like an inevitable divorce. We agreed to meet with our MC today to negotiate the terms.

That meeting went mostly OK. She did want to launch into some blaming sessions and get distracted complaining about something that angered her in the past, but I wasn't going to take ANY bait at all, and the MC redirected her to get the task at hand done.

But while she was recounting the blowup from February 14, she described a very different conversation than the one I remembered. So different, in fact, that I wrote down what she said happened. If she truly remembers things the way she describes, then it's no wonder she views me as the villain.

There was a long stretch of her chasing me around the house, refusing to get out of my room when I asked repeatedly, involving D10 in complaints about me, and screaming things at me that bpdfamily won't allow me to post. At the end, I lost my temper, too, and called her something that will only link me to bpdfamily's rules about bad language.

Then the key exchange occurred. Here's how she described it:

Her: "Why are we still together?"

Me: "I don't know."

Her: “Why don’t you kick me out?”

Me: “Consider yourself kicked out.”

Her: “Are you serious?”

Me: “Yes, I'm kicking you out. Get out.”

And here's how I remember it:

Her: "Why are we still together?"

Me: "I don't know."

Her: "Then why don't you leave?"

Me: "Why don't you leave?"

Her: "Write me a check and I will."

Me: "Fine."

In her version, I'm much more aggressive, and I make it clear that I am taking action to expel her from the house. In my version, I mirror back at her the question about leaving and she's the one who says she is choosing to leave. (Note that no check was written nor was there any more conversation until I learned she had made plans to go the next day.)

I have this conversation recorded. I have never listened to it. I'm going to listen to it now, and I'll report back here what it says.

[flourdust]

I'm going to conduct a little experiment here, live, on bpdfamily! Sit back and enjoy the show.

But, first, we have to recap our previous episode. My wife and I had a blowup on Valentine's Day, after she lost her job. She raged at me, I lost my temper back, and she decided to pack up and leave the state. She was gone for almost a week, while I scrambled to rearrange my schedule to be able to take care of D10 by myself.

When she came back, she offered a rather thoughtfully composed separation agreement. I had a few changes I wanted made, but I was willing to try the agreement, even if it just meant a small delay before filing for what seems like an inevitable divorce. We agreed to meet with our MC today to negotiate the terms.

That meeting went mostly OK. She did want to launch into some blaming sessions and get distracted complaining about something that angered her in the past, but I wasn't going to take ANY bait at all, and the MC redirected her to get the task at hand done.

But while she was recounting the blowup from February 14, she described a very different conversation than the one I remembered. So different, in fact, that I wrote down what she said happened. If she truly remembers things the way she describes, then it's no wonder she views me as the villain.

There was a long stretch of her chasing me around the house, refusing to get out of my room when I asked repeatedly, involving D10 in complaints about me, and screaming things at me that bpdfamily won't allow me to post. At the end, I lost my temper, too, and called her something that will only link me to bpdfamily's rules about bad language.

Then the key exchange occurred. Here's how she described it:

Her: "Why are we still together?"

Me: "I don't know."

Her: “Why don’t you kick me out?”

Me: “Consider yourself kicked out.”

Her: “Are you serious?”

Me: “Yes, I'm kicking you out. Get out.”

And here's how I remember it:

Her: "Why are we still together?"

Me: "I don't know."

Her: "Then why don't you leave?"

Me: "Why don't you leave?"

Her: "Write me a check and I will."

Me: "Fine."

In her version, I'm much more aggressive, and I make it clear that I am taking action to expel her from the house. In my version, I mirror back at her the question about leaving and she's the one who says she is choosing to leave. (Note that no check was written nor was there any more conversation until I learned she had made plans to go the next day.)

I have this conversation recorded. I have never listened to it. I'm going to listen to it now, and I'll report back here what it says.

[flourdust]

And here's the transcript.

Her: “So why do you still live with me?”

Me: “Good question. I don’t know.”

Her: “Then move out.”

Me: “Why don’t you move out?”

Her: “Would you like me to?”

Me: “Yes.”

Her: “Write me a check.”

Me: “OK.”

It looks to me like my version isn't exactly accurate ... .but it's much closer to what really happened than hers.

[Daniell85]

You seem ok with a divorce. Was it really what you want?

[unicorn2014]

Ty 4 writing this. It always helps to learn more about your situation, it helps me understand mine better.

[JohnLove]

With all the gaslighting, rewriting of history, and distortion campaigns, mixed with her disordered perceptions I felt I was forced to sometimes record our interactions as I may have lost my sanity otherwise... .flourdust, it is quite natural for most people to recall things slightly different from absolute reality.

But your wife's skewed perceptions or memory completely changes the original dialogue. 

[Cat Familiar]

This memory distortion is so common with pwBPDs. It used to happen regularly between my mother and me, but when you're a child, you're always overruled, just because... .

It wasn't until I was an adult, living with my first husband that I really experienced the distortion in an unmistakeable way where I knew that it wasn't me who was imagining things.

She and my dad drove several hundred miles to visit me (note I didn't say "us" because they hated my husband). They called me from the motel where they had spent the night and told me that they'd arrive at 10 a.m.

At 9 a.m. while I'm shoveling horse manure, they show up. (Undoubtedly their plan was to "catch" me doing something improper.) Meanwhile my husband is clearing out his winter clothes from the closet and putting them in boxes. At the time we lived in a small trailer.

This looks bad to them. I'm doing "men's work" while he's doing something "selfish".

We all go out to lunch and I attempt to give them a tour of the historic part of town, which seems to be of no interest to them whatsoever.

After a while, they choose to go back to their motel and they leave the next morning.

Some months later, what my mother recalls is that we "refused to see them" and we "made them go home right away".

I tried to refute that, but you know what it's like when you challenge a pwBPD's reality. 

[flourdust]

With all the gaslighting, rewriting of history, and distortion campaigns, mixed with her disordered perceptions I felt I was forced to sometimes record our interactions as I may have lost my sanity otherwise... .flourdust, it is quite natural for most people to recall things slightly different from absolute reality.

But your wife's skewed perceptions or memory completely changes the original dialogue. 

Yes, exactly. I notice that my version does slightly take away some of my responsibility -- there's the part where I say "yes" when she asks if I want her to move out -- that wasn't in my recollection. But her version has much stronger, more negative language, and it places all of the responsibility on me.

I see this as a symptom of the real problem. We can't possibly have any kind of life together if she is constantly adjusting her memories to make me her persecutor. In her memories, I'm not only the one who is responsible for the negative things that happen -- I'm doing so maliciously! So, that being the case, it makes perfect sense that for our relationship to work, I must constantly be accused of being horrible to her, and I must constantly apologize for my intentions and actions. That's not a reality I can happily and healthily live in.

Daniell85 asked if I'm OK with the divorce and if it's what I really want. No, of course not. What I really want is marriage to a wife who is able to live in the same reality I'm living in, one in which I am not her evil persecutor. But since she doesn't show any sign of being able to do that, then getting divorced is my only remaining acceptable option.

[Cat Familiar]

I see this as a symptom of the real problem. We can't possibly have any kind of life together if she is constantly adjusting her memories to make me her persecutor. In her memories, I'm not only the one who is responsible for the negative things that happen -- I'm doing so maliciously!

My husband, who, when he's modulating his alcohol use/abuse is much more functional than many BPD spouses I read about here. However, he has a touch of this memory or perceptual distortion.

He, too, thinks of me being malicious about the most inconsequential things. The other day I asked him not to put wet laundry on top of the clothes dryer because the laundry room gets so dusty and if I hadn't cleaned recently, the laundry would get dirty.

So I "ruined the day" for him. Instead of what I said being a simple request, I accused him of "being a bad person" and he sulked until the next morning. Obviously in his world view, I "won" by making him feel bad. Yay for me. That was really fun. Not. 

[empath]

What I really want is marriage to a wife who is able to live in the same reality I'm living in, one in which I am not her evil persecutor

Lol. Seems like that's what we all really want. But of course, that isn't what is... .

[Sunfl0wer]

I find it interesting how the meaning of what we hear from someone is influenced by our perception of who we know that person to be.

For example, my son may reach for cookies before they have completely cooled.  I may say in a grouchy tone, "Get out of here!"  Yet he is not offended as he sees my grouch as playful and does not take my tone or words to mean rejection, rather he takes them playfully. 

Yet my exSO would have likely felt rejected by the same situation as he suspects and is in constant anticipation of being rejected, and also thinks I have ill will towards him when I do not.

It also is about my son being secure that I offer my love unconditionally and he knows I love HIM, not just like or dislike his behavior as him.  Whereas my exSO did not differentiate behavior from people's identity.

[Cat Familiar]

My current husband told me that in the weeks before he broke up with his former wife, she would yell at him every night for several hours.

Now I knew this woman long ago and that didn't surprise me because she could be a nasty piece of work.

However, with what I now know about him and BPD and his "exaggeration" of emotional cruelty or invention of it where none actually existed, I question whether any of that account was actually how it happened.


Ironically, this post got interrupted when he came home. I switched back to researching tires for the truck and discovered that the tires that I'm replacing have gotten really bad reviews and mine seem to have worn out way too soon. I told him about a different brand that has gotten much better reviews and is about $40 less per tire.

If he were a non, he'd be happy that I'm saving us $160. But no, he took my communication like I was blaming him for buying bad tires and got all grumpy. I started JADEing and saying that he undoubtedly didn't have the current research and ratings when he bought the old tires and then I stopped myself because it was going from bad to worse. 

[flourdust]

Yes, I do find myself questioning her secondhand accounts of other people these days. She's always telling me about people who are mean to her or others who just love her and tell her how amazing she is. I take all of these stories with a grain of salt, now.

[Cat Familiar]

I think the usage of the word "mean" is so telling. My husband can label a checker at the grocery store "mean" if they're not particularly communicative when he's trying to be friendly.

I don't think I've thought of people being "mean" to me since middle school. I think people are occasionally rude or they're acting like an a*hole, but I don't use "mean" or "unfriendly" like my husband does to describe less than ideal emotional intelligence.

[La Carotte]

Flourdust, thank you for sharing this, I find it very validating.

I see this as a symptom of the real problem. We can't possibly have any kind of life together if she is constantly adjusting her memories to make me her persecutor. In her memories, I'm not only the one who is responsible for the negative things that happen -- I'm doing so maliciously! So, that being the case, it makes perfect sense that for our relationship to work, I must constantly be accused of being horrible to her, and I must constantly apologize for my intentions and actions. That's not a reality I can happily and healthily live in.

This has been my experience over and over and over. I do have some memory issues, and so it's been very easy for her to blame me and for me to accept her version of events as true. But I know they're not, I know it. And I know that my intentions toward her have never been bad or malicious or deliberately hurtful.

I cannot live like that forever either. I was going to change that to  "I don't want to live like that forever" but actually "cannot" is correct. It messes with my head and is affecting my mental and physical health. I cannot live like that.

[HurtinNW]

Several times recently my boyfriend has said he doesn't remember—at all—important things he has said.

Lots of times he "reports" what other people say about me, and then later denies ever saying anything. I've stopped even engaging around the issue. Once he told me his therapist raised concerns about me. Mind you, the therapist has never met me. Later he said he had never said it. My boyfriend engages in a lot of this triangulation by proxy, and then later claims to not remember doing it at all.

He also characterizes me as "chewing him out" or "yelling" at him, no matter how mild I am. One tactic I am noticing more is he will repeat something I said, but use the most shrewish voice imaginable. It makes me sound like the most awful B word ever. I've started calmly calling him on it. I stopped him and asked, "do you really think I said that like that?" He kind of blushed, looked chagrined and said no. He had this naughty smile on his face that really concerned me.

It's hard to tell how much he truly interprets differently and how much he is aware he is painting me black at times... .how much he remembers and how much he does not.

[flourdust]

He also characterizes me as "chewing him out" or "yelling" at him, no matter how mild I am. One tactic I am noticing more is he will repeat something I said, but use the most shrewish voice imaginable. It makes me sound like the most awful B word ever. I've started calmly calling him on it. I stopped him and asked, "do you really think I said that like that?" He kind of blushed, looked chagrined and said no. He had this naughty smile on his face that really concerned me.

I get that all the time, although she'll claim that she is right when challenged. I'm told that I slam doors (when I just close them), that I'm yelling, that I'm making sarcastic faces, and that I've said things using words that are much nastier than the actual words.

[Cat Familiar]

I get told that I'm "pissed off" when in actuality, I'm engrossed in reading something or mulling something over in my mind, like imagining how I was going to repair some object.

I've repeatedly told him that he's welcome to expressing his emotions, but that telling me about mine is off limits. I think I'm taking the fun out of it for him because it's not happening as frequently.