The end of my rope

[Plentiful]

The classic question:  should I stay or should I go?

I am mad at myself for asking that same question, over and over, for the past few years.  I've had The Talk with her also, more than once, and it literally takes a serious threat of me walking out for me to get any improvement out of her (albeit short-lived).  Based on my own study and research I discovered the BPD "diagnosis" last August, shared it with her, and got her to buy in.  Bought her books, told her that I was also reading BPD books (Stop Caretaking, Stop Walking on Eggshells, etc.)  Prior to that, we had spent about a year total with 2 different therapists, the first one (a woman who believed everything my wife said) did more harm than good.  The second eventually got the fact that it was my wife's anger causing the problems, yet never put together why that anger was happening.  In my limited experience, BPD doesn't seem to be known by the counseling profession.

She's my first marriage, I am her second.  I took on her two teen kids, 3 cats, and a dog.  Wanted to be a positive influence on the kids, who didn't really have an involved father until me.  Although there were BPD episodes before marriage, I did not recognize them for what they were, and in any event we felt that we had dealt with the upsets and moved on (I now know how BPD's often are able to mask their disorder until they feel safe in "letting it out".  Soon after the honeymoon, dysfunction started, and I allowed her to convince me that I was the leading contributor to the problem.  Step-parenting is hard enough, yet I soon had to deal with her rages, paranoia, childish petulance, threats, etc.  Many of these behaviors played out in front of her kids.  In short I was all alone in a four-person household - I was made to be the enemy.  In spite of all this, the kids, now young adults, now like and respect me.  I believe they innately understand the challenges their mother created in the relationship.

Yes I love her.  Yes I feel sorry for her.  I also now know that I am absolutely the ONLY person that can effectively provide for my happiness.  And I want to be happy.  Can I be happy with her, even if I master coping skills? 

Is all the effort ever worth it? 

[wishfulthinking]

I found that no matter what techniques I learned and put into play, my BPD/NPDexh would still not be happy.  He might feel validated and that validation might cause a tense moment from turning into a full blown rage, but the tense moments always occurred.  There was always offense taken over everything said and done and I always had to be on guard and placating to bypass a full on rage.  That was not happiness for me.  Plus, that doesn't stop the lying and the selfishness and manipulation of getting things they want.  That will still happen.  Those things don't make me happy, they make me feel used and worthless.  I'm not his mother, I'm supposed to be his partner.  Even though the super sweet things he did were amazing, they always came at a cost.  If I didn't react in EXACTLY the way he had it played in his head, I would be a horrible person who didn't love him.  I could not just be me.  I had to "act" every minute of every day to his specifications or risk a rage.  His rages were worse as time went on, by becoming more and more physical, in part because of drug use, but the rages were there no matter the drugs or not, just the severity changed.  Even if they weren't physical, the screaming and name calling and sleep deprivation still occurred.  All in all, I would have had to give up everything about myself, including the reasons he said he fell in love with me, in order to make him "happy", which meant letting him do whatever he wanted, without question, no matter what it did to anyone else in the family.  His never working, stealing, drug use, rages, not helping with housework while I work all week and deal with a heart condition, him tearing up my house and never fixing anything but getting mad if I fixed it... .and God forbid if I ever established boundaries, those are the things that set him off the WORST.  I paid with Hell for doing that.

Just my experience, but there you have it.  Good luck.

[kentavr3]

I did all efforts to save our 10 years marriage. She had a kid from previous marriage and we had daughter. Last 5 years I've lived as in hell rollercoaster of her emotions. Yes, I missed a lot of signs of BPD from her behavior in the beginning of dating. As all BPD she walked me throug all her stages as seducing, clinching and hate-love. She even filed a restriction order against me. Restriction order was denied by female judge. But, finally she left and found my replacement very quickly. Yes, I'm broken now. I feel terrible. So , wanted to say, that nothing helped me so save our marriage. But, ask yourself if you want to leave in such abuse?

[Plentiful]

Wishful -

I feel for you, except for the drug use and laziness, my experiences with my wife are so similar.  Thinking up techniques to communicate without setting her off is terribly draining, and such a waste of life. 

Kentavr -

Thanks for sharing.  BPD's are good at hiding themselves until it's too late!