I was just weak... Uh oh

[apepper21]

I work with my ex pwBPD, who ended it for the umpteenth time a little over two weeks and this is the first cycle of breaking up with me in which I've said no I'm not going back ever, AND several times since then said no. I've been strong, but he just came in and left me the key to my place and I got emotional (teary). He left and I took a breath, then, freaked out, got up and followed him out to the elevator, still with tears. He said you want to talk? I said no, just shaking my head. He said they why did you come out here? I shook my head, crying and again said I don't know, and walked to the bathroom which is right by the elevator, to compose myself.

It's like I want him to know I'm upset, but then I feel weak for showing that vulnerability to him and it may open the door for him to approach me again about getting back together. Somewhere I think if he knows I am also upset he won't be unfriendly. But I forget I'm dealing with pwBPD who isn't capable of thinking/caring how I feel or even believes I'm upset about any of this. He's the one that wants to play the victim and blame me.

UGH, I may have just opened a door that yes, part of me desperately wants him to communicate with me, but I KNOW that only ends in badness... .Maybe he won't say anything to me and will just be happy to see that I was upset.

[zeus123]

just always remember that he's a BPD, IT would make you stronger by the day to know the nature of the beast!

[apepper21]

Thanks Zeus123. I guess that's where I keep getting hung up. He isn't officially diagnosed with it, but so much of his behavior fits the bill! I need to remember that even though he isn't diagnosed officially, I've read enough about it and lived in this relationship long enough to know he has enough of the traits for me to remember that to me he DOES have BPD and then remember that a person with BPD can't be reasoned with and will treat me unfairly... .Is that what you mean?

[Lonely_Astro]

I work with my ex pwBPD, who ended it for the umpteenth time a little over two weeks and this is the first cycle of breaking up with me in which I've said no I'm not going back ever, AND several times since then said no. I've been strong, but he just came in and left me the key to my place and I got emotional (teary). He left and I took a breath, then, freaked out, got up and followed him out to the elevator, still with tears. He said you want to talk? I said no, just shaking my head. He said they why did you come out here? I shook my head, crying and again said I don't know, and walked to the bathroom which is right by the elevator, to compose myself.

It's like I want him to know I'm upset, but then I feel weak for showing that vulnerability to him and it may open the door for him to approach me again about getting back together. Somewhere I think if he knows I am also upset he won't be unfriendly. But I forget I'm dealing with pwBPD who isn't capable of thinking/caring how I feel or even believes I'm upset about any of this. He's the one that wants to play the victim and blame me.

UGH, I may have just opened a door that yes, part of me desperately wants him to communicate with me, but I KNOW that only ends in badness... .Maybe he won't say anything to me and will just be happy to see that I was upset.

Don't feel bad for showing your emotions.  Breaking up with someone isn't easy.  It may be the right thing to do, but that doesnt mean you instantly turn off all your emotions and go "well, time to move on."  Detaching from someone is a process, as I have said to you in another thread.  Just because you interact with them doesnt mean you aren't healing or detaching.  You have to decide for yourself when you've had enough.  If you've made that decision, then go forward with it.  Don't be wishy washy.  Not only is that confusing to you, but it is to them as well.  There is another factor in play about them that has to be addressed as well: Cluster B personality disorder.  Whether diagnosed or showing heavy traits of, the fact remains they have unhealthy relationships.  You can't change this, this is who they are.  It's not your fault.

I cried several times in front of J.  Was I showing vulnerability?  Yes.  It also made her extremely uncomfortable to see my pain.  She couldn't connect with it.  I know this because she told me as much.  Cluster B's have a problem with empathy.  I keep referring to Cluster B instead of BPD because of the gender biasiness in mental health.  Men are more likely to be diagnosed as ASPD (anti social personality disorder - aka 'sociopath' or NPD than BPD.  It's not to say that men aren't diagnosed as BPD, but most are diagnosed ASPD or NPD before BPD.  Any way you slice it, they all fall under Cluster B in the DSM and they can overlap each other.  Disorders of this nature are spectrum and complex.  No one fits neatly in a shoebox, just like a 'normal' individual (oh and normal individuals can show traits of these disorders and not be disordered themselves... .clear as mud, right?).

The bottom line is that your ex is unhealthy for you.  He has done things to you that equals abuse, be it physical, emotional, or mental.  One of the reasons we find ourselves in 'the loop' with them is we become trauma bonded to them.  We become co-dependent as well.  We, ourselves, cease to somewhat exist and we exist solely for them.  Before I reconnected with J, I was a normally happy, confident, laid back kind of guy.  By the end of our 1 year r/s, I was paranoid, depressed, anxious all the time, insecure, and experienced stress induced insomnia.  I was (and still am) addicted to her... .and the r/s.  I needed the stimulation as much as she did, the drama of it all.  No human can keep up that pace, someone at some point is going to collapse under that kind of stress.  But, I was hell bent on making it work.  But, it didnt.

The worst part to all of this is that there is no cure.  None.  People will argue that DBT/CBT, etc. does 'cure' BPD.  But, studies show that it helps manage BPD, but it doesn't cure it.  DBT takes years (at the very least) to show any improvement and thats if the person seeking it wants help, stays focused, and truly does the work to manage it.  Most don't.  There are no medications for PDs of this nature, either. 

You have taken the first step in ending the abusive cycle, you said "no more!"  This is a great thing!  The end to the longest journey begins with the first step.  It's ok to cry when you think of your ex.  It's ok to miss them.  He was (and is) special to you.  The relationship was real to you.  But I can guarantee you that you two were experiencing the r/s in two totally separate ways.  And if you ever wonder if he loved you, the answer is yes.  Yes, he loved you with every fiber of his being right up until he didnt.  That is also a painful fact that we must face.  Once they don't, they simply don't.  That is also painful.  Imagine how painful it is to be told by your ex that they still love you only to find out that they have been "head over heels in love" with your replacement for almost 3 months.  I know how that feels, I've been down that road.  Do I believe she still loves me?  She loves the idea of what I could do for her, not me as a person.  But thats a different topic.

Don't feel ashamed of your feelings or how you handled the interaction with the keys.  You're human.  You have feelings to process and thats ok.  But, don't wonder how he took you crying.  You're experiencing loss and you need to feel those feelings, not push them to the side.  You can only get through the dark tunnel of detaching by letting the feelings in and exploring them.  Don't worry, you aren't alone in the dark... .we're here to help guide you.  We are all on the same path here.

Keep us posted.

[apepper21]

Thanks Lonely_Astro, I know I need to remember it's a process, and I DO have normal feelings, so won't do this perfectly. Thank you for the reminder:)

Quick question: when you say "You have to decide for yourself when you've had enough.  If you've made that decision, then go forward with it.  Don't be wishy washy.  Not only is that confusing to you, but it is to them as well." You mean this decision not to go back? I'm not going back. I know that. I was feeling like because I got emotional it was coming across as wishy washy, is that what you are saying?

Thanks!

[apepper21]

Lonely_Astro, I also wanted to ask why you mention about Cluster B, with men more often being ASPD or NPD vs BPD?

And today he came into my office (I was alone) and told me all sorts of things. He can't stand work being this way, us being cold to each other. He seems really upset, I know it's probably a mask, but I don't understand it at all. I know it cycles thru various stages, and I'm not considering going back to the relationship, but I feel AWFUL right now. Just incredibly lost, confused, can't think or focus and constantly like crying. I felt this way yesterday too, after he gave the key back. I came in today clearer and more confident. Then he dropped all this on me and now I feel like I can't breathe. I keep telling myself it will be better when I am home, but I don't know how to turn all this awful fogginess off and anxiety.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks Lonely_Astro, I know I need to remember it's a process, and I DO have normal feelings, so won't do this perfectly. Thank you for the reminder:)

Quick question: when you say "You have to decide for yourself when you've had enough.  If you've made that decision, then go forward with it.  Don't be wishy washy.  Not only is that confusing to you, but it is to them as well." You mean this decision not to go back? I'm not going back. I know that. I was feeling like because I got emotional it was coming across as wishy washy, is that what you are saying?

Thanks!

I meant it as a reminder to yourself that you've made the decision to break the cycle by not going back.  It gets tough, the brain has a way of dismissing the bad stuff and you remember only the good stuff.  When that happens, you start thinking that maybe it was all somehow your fault or you did something wrong or whatever.  Basically, you wash out the bad and begin thinking you want them back... .that maybe you made a mistake or it was all just a huge misunderstanding.  

You showing emotion wasn't wrong.  But don't get trapped in the feelings that will come to you.  If you start backtracking, like I did, it'll send the signal to him that you're still in his orbit.  To an afflicted person, if you're in their orbit, you're an object to later be used.  I experienced this with J.  She was in a full blown r/s, yet 'forgot' to mention that to me.  Why did she do this?  I have no idea.  The day I found out (from someone else, btw) she was "head over heels in love" (exact words) with the guy she had replaced me with, she had told me mere hours earlier that she was trying to process all her feelings for me and alluded to wanting to be back with me.  So, what really was the endgame there?  I don't know.  That also implies she had an endgame, which she probably didn't.  BPDs excel at compartmentalization of people and relationships.  In the moment of talking to me, she was being both honest and lying (through omission) at the same time.  I believe she was conflicted about her feelings toward me, yet she didn't want to tell me about L because she knew that would throw me out of her orbit.

So... .how would it have played out had I not found out about L?  I can speculate.  I think she would stay just out of reach of me, have me stay confused, all the while having her r/s with L.  If/when her and L fall through, she'd have me in her orbit to pick her up.  Every bit of that isn't for my benefit.  I'm not naive enough to believe that.  No, the way the past couple of months have played out have been for her benefit.  She had the safety net of me while she explores a r/s with L.  Of course, at some point, I was going to find out about L, but I feel she was trying to run the game as long as she could.  When I confronted her about L, she tried to push everything back on me.  She took zero responsibility for leading me along, of course.  She went on to tell me that L "knew everything" and she "kept zero secrets" from him.  Must be nice, right?  That's all my r/s with her consisted of: secrets and lies from her.

Anyway, our ending hasn't been easy on me.  When I made the decision to end it with her, after 3 months of limbo, I was still unsure of myself.  She tried, at the end of December, to reconcile.  She was calling/texting me, asked to come to my place (with heavy hints it was for sex), etc.  I declined, I wanted a r/s and not a fling.  She knew this.  I told her that, directly.  The reason I didn't wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because I felt used.  You see, even though she was showing me the J I knew, she would also throw something in about R (the guy I found out she was dating in mid December - the state that broke the camels back) having text her and asked her out again or some other triangular jab.  She knew it was hurtful to me, yet didn't mind throwing him out there.  In hindsight, I see that as being abusive and manipulative.  

So, you may be asking, why did I get upset about finding out about L if I had refused reconciliation at the end of December?  Because we were still interacting.  It was confusing to me.  I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing.  She appeared to be single still and wondering the same thing.  But, there was another side to that: she was in a r/s and had not told me... .she was leading me.  That's what upset me the most.  I expected her to move on, I just wasn't ready to find out it had been prior to us ending.  She had been dating R and L in mid December, all the while trying to reconcile with me at the same time.  That, right there, shows you how messed up it all really is.  How messed up she is.

Sorry, I got on a tangent there and got a bit lost.  You've made the decision that it's over.  :)on't second guess yourself, like I did.  It's normal to do so, I realize that.  We love them.  Unfortunately they love us in unhealthy ways in return.  Imagine what you would be like had you stayed in the r/s with him 6 months from now. A year.  5 years.  Now 10.  How broken, hurt, and abused would you be?  How much would you have had to endure from his abuse?  You owe yourself better than he has to offer.  You don't have to hate him, but you certainly don't have to excuse him.  You're better off without him... .I'm better off without J.  That doesn't mean I don't miss or care about her still.  'My' J was one of the greatest women I ever had the joy of loving.  She made my life and the world a brighter place.  It's a shame she died, but that's what happened.  J is gone and isn't coming back.

One day at a time. That's how we do it.

[Lonely_Astro]

Lonely_Astro, I also wanted to ask why you mention about Cluster B, with men more often being ASPD or NPD vs BPD?

And today he came into my office (I was alone) and told me all sorts of things. He can't stand work being this way, us being cold to each other. He seems really upset, I know it's probably a mask, but I don't understand it at all. I know it cycles thru various stages, and I'm not considering going back to the relationship, but I feel AWFUL right now. Just incredibly lost, confused, can't think or focus and constantly like crying. I felt this way yesterday too, after he gave the key back. I came in today clearer and more confident. Then he dropped all this on me and now I feel like I can't breathe. I keep telling myself it will be better when I am home, but I don't know how to turn all this awful fogginess off and anxiety.

Lonely_Astro, I also wanted to ask why you mention about Cluster B, with men more often being ASPD or NPD vs BPD?

And today he came into my office (I was alone) and told me all sorts of things. He can't stand work being this way, us being cold to each other. He seems really upset, I know it's probably a mask, but I don't understand it at all. I know it cycles thru various stages, and I'm not considering going back to the relationship, but I feel AWFUL right now. Just incredibly lost, confused, can't think or focus and constantly like crying. I felt this way yesterday too, after he gave the key back. I came in today clearer and more confident. Then he dropped all this on me and now I feel like I can't breathe. I keep telling myself it will be better when I am home, but I don't know how to turn all this awful fogginess off and anxiety.

I mention Cluster B in reference to the disorder classification in the DSM. Men are less likely to be diagnosed BPD than women.  It's just there is gender bias in the mental health field.  I'm not saying he couldn't be BPD, I'm just saying it could be some other cluster b disorder.  He may not even be disordered by clinical diagnosis, he may just show severe traits.  The only way to be 100% sure is for him to be diagnosed, which he hasn't been.

I'm sure that he is feeling certain feelings.  Is it a mask?  Maybe.  Or he is truly feeling those feelings in the moment and has expressed them to you.  BPDs experience feelings much more intense than you or I.  When they're happy, they're elated.  When they are sad, the world has collapsed.  When they're angry, it's a white hot rage and they'd burn the world to the ground if they could.  Anything can trigger them into a rage, depression, etc.  they live in an unstable world that you and I can't understand. We just can't.  The question isn't whether or not he misses you or if he is feeling sad for the loss of the relationship, it's how sustainable are those feelings in the long term. Does that make sense?

[apepper21]

Thanks Lonely_Astro, for answering both. I guess it doesn't matter which "type" he is, seems to be BPD b/c he DOES have such strong and swinging emotions, and I guess I doesn't matter that hes not "sdiagnosed" b/c he DOES show the traits.

Yeah, I don't want to go back, I know it was awful. My issue is that I feel awful, like I said. How do you get thru those feelings and still function and not hate yourself?

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks Lonely_Astro, for answering both. I guess it doesn't matter which "type" he is, seems to be BPD b/c he DOES have such strong and swinging emotions, and I guess I doesn't matter that hes not "sdiagnosed" b/c he DOES show the traits.

Yeah, I don't want to go back, I know it was awful. My issue is that I feel awful, like I said. How do you get thru those feelings and still function and not hate yourself?

Take the (possible) label off of him for a second.  Even if there's no disorder, was he healthy or good for/to you?  If the answer is "no," then it was best it ended any way.

Ok, on to us.  What do you mean by "hating yourself", exactly?  I just need some clarity on that so I can respond accordingly.

[apepper21]

No he was not healthy or good for or good to me. Quite the opposite.

As for hating myself. I hate myself when I think I've let him down, at least temporarily, sometimes longer than other times. And I hate myself for not being stronger dealing with him and all the feelings are overwhelming.

[Lonely_Astro]

No he was not healthy or good for or good to me. Quite the opposite.

As for hating myself. I hate myself when I think I've let him down, at least temporarily, sometimes longer than other times. And I hate myself for not being stronger dealing with him and all the feelings are overwhelming.

Wondering if you've made the right choices can be difficult.  Were you perfect in the r/s?  Of course not, not 100% of the time.  You're human and you make mistakes.  That's true for everyone.  Did I do the right things with J 100% of the time?  Absolutely not.  I felt like I let her down.  She, at least once, saw me as the answer to all her problems... .perfect in every way.  The truth was I wasn't and when that realization set in, she began to hate me (a la "paint me black".  I couldn't stop this from happening, no mater how "good" (a la white) I tried to be or was with her.

I accept some of the responsibility for our failure.  But I don't accept the vast majority of it.  A lot of people will go into how I blame J for this or for that, but they weren't in the r/s with her... .I was.  R/s are complex, living, fluid things.  A ton of stuff was said between J and me.  Expectations, goals, dreams, wants, and needs.  All of it.  We had a past to start with and that was a factor in our future (or lack therefore).  But, I had accepted the caretaker role and was doing my best to be there for her, to make it work.  It backfired, horribly. 

I did get upset with myself for not ending it sooner with her.  I got upset with myself for even believing she had changed, even when the truth was slapping me in the face.  It hurt like hell to discover that, fundamentally, my year with her didn't matter.  I didn't matter.  Did I or do I in some way still matter to J?  I have no idea.  That's not important now. What's important is that I realize I had a lot to offer her.  I know for almost a year she was loved by someone who loved her, flaws and all.  I gave everything I could to her, she just couldn't accept it.  That's not my fault.  I didn't make her this way, I can't fix that.  As hard as it is to see her with L now, I know it's only temporary.  BPD doesn't just go away, DBT or not.  She's still BPD with N traits.  L is living on borrowed time with her and their success or failure isn't related to me at all.

So instead of looking at it like you hate yourself for letting him down, ask yourself this: did he let you down?  What promises did he make to you only to pull them out from under you?  What goals/dreams did you share with him only to have him walk away from that?  I'm sure pepper if you look inside yourself deep enough, you'll see that it's not you that let him down but he that let you down.

Don't be so hard on yourself for trying to have a r/s with him.  You got involved with a mentally ill person.  While you thought you were in an adult r/s, the truth is far from that.  Read about codependency and trauma bonding and you'll find some striking information on the why you're experiencing what you are.  BPDs are masters of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  They keep you off kilter and FOGged to keep you in their orbit.  While most don't do this intentionally, there are basic behavior patterns we all experienced.  Plus, there are some that just flat out use people (I classify J as one of these- she knows she's BPD, yet doesn't care if they get hurt, she'll lie, cheat, manipulate, whatever to get what she wants).  J isn't a nice person, afflicted or not.  I hold her accountable for her actions, I won't excuse them because she's ill - she's aware of 'right' and 'wrong'. If she didn't, she'd be locked up somewhere.

As time and distance works on you, you'll swing through various emotions.  Questioning yourself and feeling bad for yourself is part of it.  You have to fill in some large blanks on your own.  Your mind is reconciling the trauma you've experienced.  It'll lessen in time.  Don't worry about the dreams you'll have soon... .it's all part of the process.

[apepper21]

I do at times know HE let me down in a big way. I have a hard time with being angry at him, directly b/c I'm trying to keep it peaceful, but I should know better than that, for it will only be brief when it is.

I'm terrified that his talk with me today was to reconcile, and perhaps even try to get me to change my mind again soon. I'm also terrified that he had that talk meanwhile trying to rekindle his marriage. I don't think it is good for me to ruminate on that. I'm trying to just not think about that and if he is, to be like what ever. Good luck to them, and I'm not getting back together with him anyway so if he IS trying to get me back AND rekindle with her at the same time, it doesn't really matter, other than like you said, it feels angering b/c all he is doing is making me feel guilty when he is trying to be back with his wife (I am making ALL of this up, I don't know any of it to be true or have reason to think it). Again, pointless to think about and only keeps me thinking about HIM. I need to refocus on ME and remember what he is or isn't doing doesn't impact me. So stop obsessing!

It is definitely FOG, it FEELs like fog too. Fear Obligation Guilt. Yeah, today was all of that when he was talking to me. I got sucked in by the  brief relief that he wasn't angry at me, and then got all turned upside down=FOG. I felt like i wouldn't be ok.

I've heard a tiny bit about trauma bond just this morning actually on a podcast I listen to. Now that you've mentioned again, I think it would be good for me to learn more about that, b/c I DO believe this is like an addiction. I know he's bad for me, I know it's a quick fix to bad feelings with a REALLY bad hangover!

Time and distance. So I guess that even though we still work together, it IS distance from what it was. I keep trying to remind myself time, in time it will be better. One day, hour at a time. Then days like yesterday and this morning I feel like it will never be ok.

It's not just guilt it's also accepting that he ISN'T who I thought, and for some reason that is still hard to comprehend, even though I FULLY knew it. AND it's facing being alone in itself.

Dreams? You mean to expect really bad dreams when I'm sleeping? About him?

thank you really so so much for continuing to write!

I agree with you, that J KNEW she was like that but didn't do anything is not ok!

[Lonely_Astro]

I do at times know HE let me down in a big way. I have a hard time with being angry at him, directly b/c I'm trying to keep it peaceful, but I should know better than that, for it will only be brief when it is.

I'm terrified that his talk with me today was to reconcile, and perhaps even try to get me to change my mind again soon. I'm also terrified that he had that talk meanwhile trying to rekindle his marriage. I don't think it is good for me to ruminate on that. I'm trying to just not think about that and if he is, to be like what ever. Good luck to them, and I'm not getting back together with him anyway so if he IS trying to get me back AND rekindle with her at the same time, it doesn't really matter, other than like you said, it feels angering b/c all he is doing is making me feel guilty when he is trying to be back with his wife (I am making ALL of this up, I don't know any of it to be true or have reason to think it). Again, pointless to think about and only keeps me thinking about HIM. I need to refocus on ME and remember what he is or isn't doing doesn't impact me. So stop obsessing!

It is definitely FOG, it FEELs like fog too. Fear Obligation Guilt. Yeah, today was all of that when he was talking to me. I got sucked in by the  brief relief that he wasn't angry at me, and then got all turned upside down=FOG. I felt like i wouldn't be ok.

I've heard a tiny bit about trauma bond just this morning actually on a podcast I listen to. Now that you've mentioned again, I think it would be good for me to learn more about that, b/c I DO believe this is like an addiction. I know he's bad for me, I know it's a quick fix to bad feelings with a REALLY bad hangover!

Time and distance. So I guess that even though we still work together, it IS distance from what it was. I keep trying to remind myself time, in time it will be better. One day, hour at a time. Then days like yesterday and this morning I feel like it will never be ok.

It's not just guilt it's also accepting that he ISN'T who I thought, and for some reason that is still hard to comprehend, even though I FULLY knew it. AND it's facing being alone in itself.

Dreams? You mean to expect really bad dreams when I'm sleeping? About him?

thank you really so so much for continuing to write!

I agree with you, that J KNEW she was like that but didn't do anything is not ok!

If you're like me, you'll have dreams associated with him.  Mine have ranged from simple dreams, to sexual dreams, to nightmares.  It's my minds way of trying to reconcile what has happened to me over the past year.  While I was a willing participant in the r/s, I endured a lot of abuse.  I couldn't see how much until recently.  Even post breakup I was being abused.  I don't want to sound to much like a victim, but I was victimized by her.  Like I said, she's self aware she does this, but as she said to me "I know I hurt you badly.  I did horrible things to you over the past year.  I feel better but I don't want to because of what I did to you, as unfair as it was. But, I can't dwell on that so... ."   

Pretty much sums it up.

[apepper21]

Ok, yes, I've been having dreams. Often very vivid.

Is it helpful to you to be able to see how abused you were? On some level I know it's abuse for me as well, but it doesn't really sink in, and I know he's still doing it now. I've trying to tolerate it less, it's difficult at work because I am also trying to make it manageable to be here and not impossible for everyone around as well, so I am tolerating more than I know I would if we didn't work together /see each other.

Did it become more clear to you, the abuse, over time? Maybe being further removed from it?

Yes, he often says and even yesterday said I'm the most important person to him, he knows he didn't show me but... .Basically I should keep trying, with nothing changing in the past, just go on his words. Ok, I'm going to leave it there, I can see myself easily getting on a rant about that!

Thanks again for sharing.

[Lonely_Astro]

Ok, yes, I've been having dreams. Often very vivid.

Is it helpful to you to be able to see how abused you were? On some level I know it's abuse for me as well, but it doesn't really sink in, and I know he's still doing it now. I've trying to tolerate it less, it's difficult at work because I am also trying to make it manageable to be here and not impossible for everyone around as well, so I am tolerating more than I know I would if we didn't work together /see each other.

Did it become more clear to you, the abuse, over time? Maybe being further removed from it?

Yes, he often says and even yesterday said I'm the most important person to him, he knows he didn't show me but... .Basically I should keep trying, with nothing changing in the past, just go on his words. Ok, I'm going to leave it there, I can see myself easily getting on a rant about that!

Thanks again for sharing.

Has it been helpful to me?  Yes.  It shows me that I had weak boundaries and was codependent and also an enabler at times.  After all, if I were truly healthy myself, I wouldn't have tolerated or overlooked her behavior like I did.  I was upset with her for treating me the way she did, but I was even more upset with myself for tolerating it.  I did all that because I was to stubborn and in denial that we weren't going to work, not matter how badly I wanted us to.  Even removing the label of BPD from her, she isn't a nice person.  Don't get me wrong, some of her behavior was BPD.  But, some of it wasn't.  BPD didn't force her to lie to me, be insincere to me, mislead me, or cause her to live several separate lives at once.  That was her, not her disorder.

The weird part is that they are one and the same.  She is the disorder and the disorder is her.  She, like any other individual, is complex.  I'll never really know what was caused by BPD vs what was 'her', if that makes sense.  The end result is the same though: she was unhealthy for me.  I know there were times she meant well, there were also times she knew she was hurting me but it was 'no big deal' because what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me... .even though it did/would.  It took me awhile to finally say to myself "J, I love you. I love the you I knew, but that wasn't fully the real you.  You hurt me and you aren't a nice person.  I release you with gratitude for the you that you gave me during our time. Good luck with L".  If she finds happiness with him, she does.  It sucks, in my mind, that this dude is getting the life (it appears) that was promised to me. But, is he really?  I don't know and frankly I don't care.  I personally believe he's living on borrowed time with her and neither of them see it right now.

But, alas, seeing the abuse I was subjected to makes me realize how wrong J was for me.  She was very passive aggressive and would punish me for things I didn't even do.  This was common. She would ST often because I "looked at her wrong" with no other explanation.  The best one was she had told others I talked to her like a child, though she never mentioned it to me.  Did I talk to her that way?  I'm sure I did at some point.  But, that's being involved with a mentally ill person, isn't it?  Always having to walk on eggshells.  It's perfectly fine for her to have walked all over my emotions, but any resistance to her doing so equaled 'punishment' from her for my rebellion.  It wasn't until the end that I realized just how differently we had viewed our r/s over the past year.  Even the end wasn't clear cut for us.  Nothing ever was just 'simple'.  Ever. 

I will PM you later with a lot of the details, so you can read it at leisure without publishing a small book here.  I don't want to subject everyone to a wall of text.