30yr marriage to UBPDh finally Left 2 years ago but never got emotional closure.

[nursemyBPD]

It has been 2yrs since I finally left the chaos of our 30yr marriage to uBPDh. Although I feel so much relief from the daily chaos, I find myself stuck, and procrastinating in not only filing for divorce, but allowing myself to date again. Logically I know without a shadow of doubt that I do not want to rekindle our marriage, as nothing has/will change. I've waited 30yrs for change that never came. Unfortunately I still have love for him, and feel sorry for him. I think I'm looking for some closure which I know is never coming. He has not acknowledged any part in the demise in our marriage and has basically ignored me ever since I left 2 years ago. ( I know I should be grateful) but it is just another slap in the face. I know it is the BPD that will not allow him to acknowledge and apologize, but it's a tough pill to swallow that after 30yrs of putting up with decades of crap, he could just let me go and never look back, and move on to another relationship within 1 week of me leaving. I'm finally filing for Divorce this week, and know that the closure I seek will never come. I just need to find a way to not allow this dynamic to cloud my future relationships, and it need the encouragement to start dating again. I am afraid of any and all relationships after living most of my life in this sort of relationship. Having married at 20yr old, I am now 51 and having to start all over, just scary! Any tangible advice?

[Itstopsnow]

Nothing you did was your fault! Borderlines are sick people. They wil bait you, gaslight, try to push your buttons! Lie, manipulate, cheat. Remember these issues have nothing to do with you. It is their way of living. Try and Remember that you did your best. You can save or change him. You have the better end of the stick! So to speak! You can move forward in your life with Truth and integrity! Something they will never know. Be gentle with yourself. Date when you feel like dating, don't think that everyone will be like him! They won't! And you know all the red flags at this point. Take your time to smell the roses! 51 is still young enough to find your happiness in life! He didn't take that from you! Good luck! You're not alone in your pain, and grief . You will be stronger! And remember you are free now! No more of his chaos it drama!

[Herodias]

So sorry... .I feel the same way even though I am out a year from a 9 year relationship. Just make sure you look out for you. My stbx husband and I are still married and people have told me to just get out and get away from him... .but I am looking out for myself financially. After him using me for years for money, I am making sure he doesn't continue to do it through the divorce. I refuse to pay for it, since he caused it by cheating in me over and over and in such a big way! I don't feel emotional closure as well, but we just have to make the best of it. I don't seem to want to date either, so don't feel bad about that. I think it's normal after what we have gone through. More cautious of people and more knowledgable about what you can slip into if you are not careful. Hope your filing goes well... .I think maybe not divorcing gives us an excuse to not date (even though they have no problem), but I think the actual divorce opens up more wounds... I wish you well... .Be strong and don't forget to look out for yourself.