Avoiding the Bait

[vortex of confusion]

A lot of times the best an addict can do is go to meetings. What your H is doing may be all he can do. Meaning, a lot of people in recovery programs don't comprehend the steps in the program.

I do see that he is trying. I wrestle with feeling like a complete jerk because his efforts are not good enough for me. I want more. Him being an addict and in a recovery program is not my fault. I acknowledge his efforts. For far too long, I put my needs aside because he was trying, he was making an effort, this is the best he can do. I want more.

Yes. And another example could be if you find the right partner they'll do everything for you. Or, if I have a partner that won't contribute to the family I'll do everything for them.  

I hadn't really thought about that. You are right. My oldest daughter made a comment that she feels more independent when I am not around. She told me that I do too much for everyone.  :'(

There have been times that I have thought to myself that my stbx and my mother are a little alike.

In what ways?

Let's see. . .they both like to brag about stuff. They complain a lot. They like to be praised. They like to act like they know about stuff that they have no clue about. They can both be very dismissive. Both tend towards all or nothing thinking. They both have a tendency towards painting people black/white. Both of them have me painted so white that it is painful. Even that is confusing though because I feel like I am painted white yet they do little things that are so dismissive and painful and send the message that others are inferior to them. I have yet to make sense out of how I can feel painted white yet feel like their actions paint a different picture. I am sure that there are unresolved issues there. I feel like I have spent a whole lot of years chasing my mother's approval and attention, kind of like I have done with him. I am going to stop there as it is kind of painful to think about how I have chased after attention that probably isn't worth having any way.

[Grey Kitty]

They both have a tendency towards painting people black/white. Both of them have me painted so white that it is painful. Even that is confusing though because I feel like I am painted white yet they do little things that are so dismissive and painful and send the message that others are inferior to them. I have yet to make sense out of how I can feel painted white yet feel like their actions paint a different picture.

[... .]

I feel like I have spent a whole lot of years chasing my mother's approval and attention, kind of like I have done with him. I am going to stop there as it is kind of painful to think about how I have chased after attention that probably isn't worth having any way.

I think that what you are chasing (and not getting) is something deeper and more subtle than approval and attention.

Your H chasing following you around the house like a puppy is attention.

Being painted white IS approval.

You describe getting those things... .and not liking them. You are finding it to be painful, not satisfying, and not what you want or even need.

Seems to me that what is lacking is deeper validation, and acceptance of you as you are.

This is the horrible thing about being painted white--yes, there is love aimed in your direction, but it is really directed at a fantasy projected onto you, instead of to you. Imagine your H buying flowers for an OKC date, and giving them to you when the date was cancelled. It wasn't really meant for you, and deep down, you know it, and it doesn't feel good or right.

[vortex of confusion]

Seems to me that what is lacking is deeper validation, and acceptance of you as you are.

This is the horrible thing about being painted white--yes, there is love aimed in your direction, but it is really directed at a fantasy projected onto you, instead of to you. Imagine your H buying flowers for an OKC date, and giving them to you when the date was cancelled. It wasn't really meant for you, and deep down, you know it, and it doesn't feel good or right.

Thank you for this GK! You are right. I want to be accepted for who I am, which is a perfectly imperfect person.

It is funny that you bring up the example that you did. It reminds me of something that my mother has told me my entire life. I am the youngest of 4. I was an afterthought. She has told me, "You are my little afterthought." She has also said that my Dad planned me. So, you bringing that up really shines light on the fact that I am used to being an afterthought. I quite frequently invite my mom over to have coffee with me in the mornings or just hang out. She is usually too busy with other things and other people. If she needs something, she will come over and hang out. Just this morning, she called because she needed something. It was nothing big so she came over and I took care of it. She hung out with me for a while and then ran off to other things. Spending time with me was an afterthought.

My husband has done the same thing. I could usually tell when when one of his "friends" ditched him or ghosted him. He would suddenly want to have a monogamous relationship and proclaim his love. It wouldn't take long before he would change his mind and post or answer ads. Being with me was an afterthought. I was only good enough when nobody else wanted him. I was only good enough when he couldn't find somebody online to play his games with him. I was only good enough when he wanted his needs met. Forget about me.

[Notwendy]

Vortex, I can relate to the feeling of chasing approval. I know I have people -pleasing tendencies. My role in my FOO was to be the one who does things for my mother, not the other way around. I didn't feel she was too busy for me, like you felt with your mother, and I wasn't an afterthought, but the way my mother relates to me is if she wants something from me.

Growing up, I felt invisible to my parents, like they didn't know me, just their projections. If my mother painted me white, it was because I did something for her. If she didn't like it, I was painted black. She also talked about us like we were toddlers. "good girl" "good boy" even as adults " I told everyone what a good girl you were today because you did X, Y, Z today". Being a good girl meant doing whatever she asked me to do. But if I tried to talk to my parents about who I was, things I cared about, they would give me a blank look.

They say we marry someone with whom we can play out these family issues. I brought these into my marriage, but with someone who played these out from a different place. My H and my mother are very different, but I always wondered why I sometimes felt as if I was with her. His family is stoic, they don't talk about feelings, and so their communication is need based. In a similar manner, my H talks to me when he wants something, and doesn't discuss feelings well. But that is who he is, and he isn't my mother- yet he triggers those feelings in me.

We can change these patterns when we take care of our own stuff. Surely you know that. But that doesn't mean having to be in a relationship that isn't working, and I think you have decided that. I'm speaking from a place of knowing ourselves, not about a partner. One thing that got me questioning my approval seeking behavior was when my father died. I wanted approval and validation, and didn't get it. It was a tough thing to face. I think it motivated me to learn about self approval and validation.

It is hard to feel as if our parents didn't consider us, but however our parents think of how we got here- we are meant to be here- each of us !  

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks again for all of the input!

He left yesterday. We had a nice day at the beach as a family the day before yesterday. There were some tense moments, nothing too horrible. On the way home, all of that changed. I don't know what was said specifically. He responded, "I can't wait to leave." He said it in front of the kids. I was so mad because I could see the impact it had on them.

I told him that night that if he was so eager to leave, then he needed to leave. He went about his business like I hadn't said anything. The next day, I went in his room to retrieve some of my stuff and saw that he had made no effort to pack or do anything that even remotely looked like preparing to leave. I said something to him about it. I am still not sure how it all went down. There was no yelling or screaming. He kept asking me what I wanted him to do and I told him that he needed to make his own decisions. I told him that I already made my wishes known. He said some ugly stuff. At one point, he said, ":)id I p**s you off so bad that now you are just going to clam up?" I didn't respond. I sat there and seethed. I clammed up.

He went and packed up a bunch of stuff, loaded the car, and left. He was being dramatic about it and I could tell that he was wanting me to tell him to stop or to wait or something. I didn't do it. I asked him if he said goodbye to the kids. When he left, he said, "You raise them kids up right for me." And then he told the kids, "You grow up right." It was so friggin' painful because he acted like he was never going to see any of us ever again. I let him go. I did ask where he was going. He said he didn't know and that he might or might not tell me, "It isn't like you care anyway."

Long story short, he is driving to his mom's house. I talked to her and let her know what is going on. The kids were worried about him so I was able to set their minds at ease by letting them know. And, he has been texting with the oldest to let her know that he is okay.

[Suzn]

Are you ok?

[vortex of confusion]

Are you ok?

I am okay. Lots of mixed feelings. I keep crying at random times. It seems silly of me. This is what I have been wanting.

I work today so I had to scramble to make arrangements for child care for the next couple of days.

[Suzn]

Lots of mixed feelings. I keep crying at random times. It seems silly of me.

A sad time at the moment. Crying is appropriate and healthy when we're sad. Are you going to let that inner voice talk you out of experiencing your emotions?

[vortex of confusion]

A sad time at the moment. Crying is appropriate and healthy when we're sad. Are you going to let that inner voice talk you out of experiencing your emotions?

I don't feel like I could talk myself out of experiencing my emotions. It is like a flood gate has been opened: sadness, anger, relief, a whole bunch of stuff washing over me at once.

I know this isn't the end. This is just the beginning of the end.

The kids were worried about seeing him again. I reassured them that I would do everything in my power to make sure they get to see daddy again. I told them that daddy and I need space because we can't seem to get along no matter how hard we try. I don't know how long he will be gone.

He was trying to push me to tell the kids that he was leaving because of me. It was my fault. I was taking him away from them. At some point, he said, "I'll leave but you have to go in there and tell the kids that you are forcing me to leave." He wouldn't tell the kids anything. He just kept telling them, "Go ask your mom." I did the best I could and told them that he and I need space so we can figure things out and not be so mean to each other. 

[Notwendy]

It makes sense to be sad and cry. This kind of a step signals an ending- and even if it is what you want, it makes sense to be grieving this step because it is big change.

I have been told a divorce feels a bit like a death. Even if both people want it, even if both feel happy about it, there is still a sense of grief.

It's complicated and possible to be both happy and sad at the same time.

Take care of yourself.

[formflier]

   

Hang in there.

FF

[vortex of confusion]

It's complicated and possible to be both happy and sad at the same time.

Thank you!

My feelings are very complicated at the moment. I am trying to let them wash over me. It feels like a lot of the stuff that I stuffed down is coming up because I have the space to cry and feel this stuff safely.

[Suzn]

It seems silly of me.

This sounds like minimizing. Your feelings aren't silly.

I don't feel like I could talk myself out of experiencing my emotions. It is like a flood gate has been opened: sadness, anger, relief, a whole bunch of stuff washing over me at once.

Good. Even though this doesn't feel good, it's feeling and not numbing. To share something my T told me in a similar circumstance, "whatever you do, don't stop feeling". It gets better. 

[flourdust]

Hi, vortex. My sympathies for what you're dealing with. The very same thing happened to me about three weeks ago -- my wife left February 15th. If you look back through my posting history, you can see the story and how I've been handling it.

[Cat Familiar]

Vortex,

You've had to be the strong one for so many years and take care of things. You weren't in a true partnership, it was more like you had an additional kid--one that acted out and was irresponsible.

He has some very good qualities and you kept hoping that if you nurtured those, he would turn into the person you saw that he could be. But potential doesn't necessarily manifest into reality, despite love and nurturing.

You did your best and gave him countless chances to step up. He didn't. It's sad. But it's an opening for something new and different.   

Cat

[vortex of confusion]

You did your best and gave him countless chances to step up. He didn't. It's sad. But it's an opening for something new and different.   

Thank you flourdust and Cat Familiar!

Yes, I have given him countless chances. I have let him talk me into believing that I was not patient enough and didn't give him enough chances.

I know that everything will be ok. My oldest daughter said that she knows everything will be ok because she knows that I have a knack for figuring stuff out and rocking it. I have a really great support network in real life and they have been great about helping me stay grounded. I so badly want to lash out at him for the way he left the kids. On a positive note, the house has been so much more peaceful. The youngest is talking more and whining less. I feel more peaceful than I have felt in a while.

[flourdust]

On a positive note, the house has been so much more peaceful. The youngest is talking more and whining less. I feel more peaceful than I have felt in a while.

I know exactly what you mean. It's the same in my house. It's peaceful; there's no raging, no tiptoeing around on eggshells.