Is this the end?

[leew2110]

I have been on & off with what I suspect is a borderline sufferer for 10 year.

We have split numerous times, someone's days, weeks, once for 6 month I was cut off and received the silent treatment.

Last time she cut me off for 2 year, then reappeared and told me she went off with another trying to force herself to get over me and tho she didn't love him, he was a distraction & she couldn't be without me unless she had someone else there.

When she came back last year after ringing me anonymously for a year but not speaking, just to hear my voice she said and also to ashamed to speak, tho eventually she did.

I took her back as always because I love her and always have.

But within a month of her return, she was adamant she wanted to have a child.

She said I needed to want one too & agree or it would be pointless staying together.

I said I was not against it, but it was too soon after not speaking for 2 year to decide this. First we needed to prove to each other we could remain a couple.

She had her coil removed anyway and I said it was too soon and ended the relationship.

I deeply regret my actions as I do love her but simply wanted to wait a bit first.

I tried to contact her after about 6/7 weeks but she will not reply to me, blocked me etc.

So I am back to the silent treatment.

I love her and can handle the moods & rages, but the silent cut off tortures me and usually indicates a long term split each time.

What worries me and hopefully some other sufferers out there can tell me or guess for me is this -

I have never before been the one to end it, so

1st, as she is desperate for a child, will she go get herself pregnant to whoever she attaches to next? As she really has it bad & fixed in her mind she wants a child and not later but NOW.

2 - as I was the one who ends it this time. Is that the end?

I don't want it to be. Ok she may be moody as hell, and a bit of a drama queen etc, but that's simply part of her and I can give as good as I get. I love her for all of her not just the nice side, tbh the feisty side is a side I sometimes like about her, stubborn but I admire that in a way. At least I know where I stand with her and she isn't afraid to put me in my place when I say something wrong.

Only thing I can't handle well is this silent treatment & wondering if & when she may speak again, but the child thing really has me worried, if she gets pregnant, that's the end in her eyes.

Anyone have anything similar happen?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheCodependent1]

I don't want to appear cold, I myself just ended a one year BPD laced relationship and I say laced because I was and am fighting an addiction unlike anything I've ever experienced. If you don't save yourself from the addiction you have to this woman and the dysfunctional relationship you will be on this message board for the rest of your life wondering what more you could have done.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey leew, You acted on your gut feelings -- that it was too soon to have a child before you proved yourself as a couple -- which I admire.  Stay the course, is my suggestion.  Time to move forward with your life, my friend.  TheCodependent1 makes a good point, in my view.

LuckyJim

[C.Stein]

1st, as she is desperate for a child, will she go get herself pregnant to whoever she attaches to next? As she really has it bad & fixed in her mind she wants a child and not later but NOW.

I had very much the same experience with my ex.  She is desperate to have a child and I don't think it matters who gives it to her.  The first person who validated her, made her feel good about herself, became a potential donor to her obsessive need to have a child/family.  Nothing else matters to her, not me, not the relationship, not what was best for a child.

I was also not against having children with her (ambivalent in general) but I hesitated mostly because our relationship was unstable ... .she was unstable. It is hard to explain that to anyone let alone a pwBPD.  I tried though at first but she didn't seem to get it.  I wanted a healthy and stable relationship before "family" could even be considered.  For her though I truly believe she thinks the "family" will solve all her problems, with herself and the relationship.  She couldn't be more wrong and unfortunately I think she will find that out the hard way.

You are being a responsible adult in your hesitation and expectations, don't waiver in your resolve here.

[Spleenventor]

I have a slightly different view from others, perhaps because your story resonates so strongly with me. You are in a really tough place but it is clear that the love between you is strong and that counts for a lot. This won't please you: my ex BPD partner did have a baby with essentially a sperm donor, so that has to be a danger. Needless to say it didn't last. If you regret your actions this suggests that you do want to have that child which is great provided it is because you want a child as opposed to a potential solution to your relationship problems. You have to tell her this somehow. If she doesn't respond positively you will have to accept this, but at least you will have tried and you won't die wondering. I agree with others about the need to provide a stable environment, but even if you subsequently split this does not preclude the possibility of a happy and fulfilling childhood and you will never regret that the child was born.