Help and Advice Needed

[Ash80]

Hey all, could really do with some impartial advice. Just come out of a one and a half year relationship which ended really badly, im not sure if my ex has BPD but displays a lot of the traits and has an appointment and assessment coming up but dont think she will go as blames me for everything that went wrong in relationship. I’d been single on and off for a couple of years after breaking with my ex who I had a son with. It wasn’t always easy as I felt I missed out on been a full time dad but built a strong relationship with him, having him every weekend and holidays too.

Anyway, met a girl online a year and half ago who had a little girl the same age as my son. I fell completely for her, she was kind, great with the kids, wanted the same in life and was very attractive. Not long after we started seeing each other she disclosed that she had recently broke with fiancé who she was due to buy a house with and marry. She appeared very low and depressed at times and I tried to support her the best I could. I asked if it was maybe a little soon for her given her recent break but she assured me she only felt low as she realised she was going to make a massive mistake marrying this other guy now she had met me.

To take her mind of things I took on a very expensive weekend away to a top hotel. I did all I could to give her a romantic, special weekend away. On our first night out we went to a bar, she came back with some drinks and told me she had been chatted up at the bar, she then went onto explain guys buy her drinks all the time and she got angry when I suggested this may give people the wrong impression. Anyway, she got quite mad and stormed off back to the hotel. I tried to calm the situation down but was told that I wasn’t the man she thought I was. I went up to our room as she wanted to stay outside and smoke. When she came back up she told me that a guy in the lift had asked her back to his room and said her boyfriend was a lucky man. I though it odd that she felt the need to tell me this given what had happened in the bar.

After trying to talk to her she broke down and told me that she had been sexually abused as a child by her grandad and then in later life raped by her brother’s friend. I gave her all the support and help I could with this very sad and difficult situation. Things got really tough though as her grandad was still alive and an active part of her life and her daughters, to the point in which she would let him pick her up from school and babysit. It caused a lot of fights very early on in are relationship as I said I could not allow this to continue with her daughter given what I knew. She put me in some really difficult positions as she invited me to her family home where I had to make small talk with her grandad, knowing all he had done.

She was in a very difficult position as she was supposed to be buying a house with her ex and was quickly having to look for a place to live. She told me the town she lived in had so many bad memories as the guy that raped her would still come into her place of work and smile at her. I had a house in a different county/state so I said her and her daughter could move in with me. I spent most of my savings making the house a home for her, letting her choose and decide on decoration and things.

At the point we were moving she disclosed she was pregnant, I had mixed emotions as I was concerned how quickly this had happened and that I had seen a different side to her. However I was excited to get a second chance at been a full time dad. Not long after we moved in the cracks started to show, one minute she was fine and telling me how much she loved me, the next she would get really angry, storm off and not talk and tell me she hated me. As things progressed I tried to get her to understand that some of her outbursts and the depression and anxiety could be related to her past experiences. She agreed to see a doctor who referred her to a mental health team. Things just seem to get worse though, she would say really hurtful things like I don’t love you, you’ve let yourself go, you’re not the man I met, I’m leaving and you’ll never see your son, she even told me she wished he was her ex partners child not mine.

I spent all my savings trying to give her the things she wanted and needed, never asked her for any money towards bills, paid for all her daughters day to day stuff, bought her a car, expensive clothes, jewellery and put money into her account so she could have some independence after she stopped working. All I got in return was to be constantly told that I was selfish, a horrible man. The next day she would love me again though and never mention her comments or apologise. Her insecurity was always there though, asking about female friends and telling me about ex partners that wanted her back and guys that had asked her out in bars.

I had just booked and paid for a family holiday for the summer 2016, we had an argument one Saturday afternoon and ended up back home after a walk out. I sat her down and said sorry for been a bit short tempered as id had a stressful week at work. She got really mad and wouldn’t accept my apology, as a result the following morning she told my family the relationship was over. I went to work on the Monday and tried to speak to her about her plans, telling her I loved her and to wait and talk. When I got home from work she had packed the house up and taken her daughter out of school. I was naturally worried about are young son and said I was concerned with her behaviour and state of mind. She then picked a glass up and came at me with it. She stated afterwards that she was just trying to throw a drink over me but I naturally put my hand out to stop it hitting my face, she cut open my hand and severed my tendons. I had to drive myself to the hospital with one hand as she refused to get me an ambulance. I was kept in for surgery and told I would be off work for three months.

When I returned home she was gone, she left to live with family and blocked all forms of communication so I couldn’t find anything out about my son. Few days past and I got an email asking for child support. I explained that I would sort it as soon as I had recovered which she wasn’t very happy about. Anyway, a day or two later she got back in touch saying that she was just unhappy in our home and missed her friends and that she didn’t want to talk about her past or mental health appointment. She told me she loved me and wanted it to work if I would sell my house and buy a place near her friends. I said I needed time to think and asked her to come see me. She brought my son and we had a great weekend together, we made plans for the following weekend and over the next few days she told me how much she loved me. Then like a light switch been turned off I got a message saying, I’ve had second thoughts I don’t want to get back with you. She then blocked my number and all forms of communication. I was completely devastated, my eldest son had thought of her as a step mum and loved seeing his little brother, I had to sit down and try and explain to a 6 year old that they had gone.

I guess I reacted on emotions though and sent an email to her father explain about her past, her behaviour and the forthcoming mental health appointment. As a result he sent me a very abusive message back and also stated if I ever want to see my son again I need to go through the courts. It’s been a month now and I’m still recovering from the hand injury and without any form of communication from my ex who now has my son. I feel in a very, very dark place right now and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[anothercasualty]

Ash80,

First, I am sorry for all you have been through. That is heavy stuff there and I am sure that has taken quite a toll on you.

Second, what is your goal? What do you hope to accomplish first? You only have so much in the emotional tank at the moment and you need to find one or two main ideas to strive for. Do you want to get time with your son? Do you want to heal from this relationship? Do you want to create a decent co-parenting situation? Defining what you want right now will help others give you advice.

Best advice without knowing your goals? Be kind to yourself through this process. Keep posting and I'm sure more people will jump in with better advice.

[Ash80]

Thanks for your reply

It’s been a terrible time of late, I guess it doesn’t help that my tendons were completely severed and I’m stuck at home now for months without any contact. I don’t know how my son is or what she’s doing as she has blocked all communication.

I’m trying everything I can to heal the emotional wounds more than anything. I just feel in a state of absolute shock and I find that I am going over events/situations over and over again. She won’t go to the appointment her doctor referred her to and I don’t actually know if she has BPD but from what I’ve read she seems to display all the hallmark traits. I’m struggling with the complete lack of empathy for me or my other son who thought of her as a step-mum, she has cut us all off and within days she’s uploading pictures of herself having nights out on social media, I was only out of theatre 24 hours prior to this.

We were engaged to be married, booked a family holiday and she even had a love heart tattoo done at Christmas with my initials in, literally two weeks later she tells me she hasn’t loved me for a long time, she’s unhappy, she’s leaving, she wants money from me. It’s been up and down throughout the relationship and I can’t tell you how drained I am. She has taken everything from me, my confidence, self-esteem, my son and all my savings and yet she tells me it’s all my fault, I’m a bad dad, have no connection with my kids and I will end up alone and sad for the rest of my life.

I think my goals from the site or two main areas really. To understand if this is someone who is displaying BPD traits, if so can I realistically ever build a balanced relationship with her? She has a daughter from a previous relationship who used to refer to me as step-dad 4, she was only 7 years old. I’m worried that my son who is only five months old is now going to go through this, she has moved him far from my reach and her immediate demands for money make it difficult for me to have custody as I have to work to help out financially as she is on benefits now.

I think secondly, I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to deal with emotional hurt she has caused, I’ve had my share of relationships in my time but nothing as intense and hard to understand. One minute she was a fantastic women, very loving, very caring, the next she could take a simple disagreement to an unbelievable level in which she would say some terrible things and ultimately lead to her pushing a glass towards my face, although she stated she just wanted to throw the contents of it over me, not severe my tendons.

[anothercasualty]

Ash80,

You are doing a great job of communicating where you are at and what you are looking for. That is a huge step in the right direction.

As for if she is showing the traits, only you can analyze that portion. You live it and folks here can only relate based on what you describe. I am not 100% sure my ex-gf has BPD, but she certainly carries the traits. It's the old "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then treat it like a duck until you know different" idea.

Healing the wounds takes time and work. Some people are able heal in weeks or months, some take years. It seems the more toxic it is, the longer it takes to heal. Many of us share how intense the relationship that brought us here. I know I do.

Read, post, talk with others. The community here has been awesome and scary at the same time. I cannot tell you how many times I have read something and thought "Holy Crap! That person just wrote about the exact same experience I had!". I begin to wonder if we might have dated the same people.

I can tell you working on your self esteem will bring many other facets under control.