My first post, BPD sister, parents are enablers, I'm getting married in 60days

[ineedaconfidant]

Hi there,

I'm new to this site, but I stumbled across an old thread and I felt very connected to the author. Quick background: I'm 29, my sister is 26. She's my only sibling. Sister started showing signs of mental illness at a very young age. It took many, many years and many, many doctors, therapists, nurses, social workers, etc. before I heard the term BPD. I did some research, read 'walking on eggshells' and felt so angry that she hadn't been diagnosed earlier. She's so classically BPD! So, we've had a difficult and often tremulous relationship. I went no contact for a while. She always found a way to force herself back in to my life (sometimes through crisis, sometimes through intimidation, and sometimes by being nice for a change). We're currently limited contact.

So, here's my problem de jour. I'm getting married soon and I don't want to invite her. She has a history of trying to ruin 'big days' for me (graduation, engagement, etc.). In addition to the BPD, she also has substance abuse issues. My parents enable her. I try to understand that. It's a very different dynamic between siblings and mother-daughter. My mom is so terrified that BPD sib is going to kill herself, that she gives her whatever she wants. BPD sib knows this and takes advantage. It causes a lot of family drama. In re: wedding, my mother, while respecting my boundaries (to an extent), keeps trying to get me to change my mind. I feel a lot of pressure to invite her, but I just KNOW she's going to ruin the day. It may not be a huge day ruining event like getting drunk/high and causing a big scene (happened too many times to count). It could be a small day ruining event like keeping my family preoccupied so that all attention is on her, hoping she doesn't cause a big scene, and so that I'm left on the back burner.

Sorry if that was rambling. I'm just feeling stuck. I've been feeling "second" my entire life. I'm the older sibling and BPD sib was constantly in crisis. So, my parents treated me like an adult even though I was still just a kid. I can't count how many times I heard "we know it's hard, but you have to be the bigger person," and "let the wookie win," and "We have enough on our plates with her, you're not allowed to break down too!" At times, I was denied a childhood because, at home, it was much more important to take care of sib's mental health than to take care of mine. I suffered a lot of anxiety and insomnia. I was scared of my sister. She has attempted to kill me multiple times. My parents are deluded into thinking that she's going to change but I know better. She's never going to change. She's never going to try to change because she doesn't have a reason to.

In conclusion, thank you for reading this! I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this site but I feel better already having a safe place to tell my story. Any advice on the wedding would be wonderful! I want my parents to be happy, but I want to be happy, on that day of all days, too.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, ineedaconfidant! Welcome to the place.

Jumping right into it with a personal question - who is paying for the wedding? If your parents are shouldering the financial load, I'd be more hesitant to just go against their wishes for your sister's attendance, because in that case it is technically their party that they're hosting. If they aren't paying, then it's merely a choice for you and your fiance to make on your own. If not inviting your sister is worth your parents' disappointment (and it sounds like it's definitely worth it - I wouldn't want to give her a chance to cloud my happy day, either!), then you can make the decision to go with that and not regret it.

It was actually for similar reasons that my husband and I made sure to accept no financial assistance from either of our sets of parents for any part of our wedding - not that they offered much. But even if your parents DO have some say in the matter, you are not obligated to put up with any shenanigans. Do you have a trusted friend or family member... .or police officer friend... .who can be quietly assigned to be "on point" to keep your sister under their watch? I had a couple of different friends assigned to be my BPD bouncers  and had actually alerted a couple of police friends who were coming to the possibility of a major altercation. Turns out my mom (uBPD) did have some sort of run-in with my bridesmaids but nobody told me about it until after I was back from the honeymoon - in fact, I still don't know what exactly happened, because the girls all agreed I didn't want to know. I trust them on it, so I didn't ask for specifics.

I hope it all works out well for you!

[ineedaconfidant]

Thank you claudiaduffy!

You really do hit at the heart of the matter. My parents are paying with some assistance from his parents. We're chipping in here and there but my parents are shouldering the bulk of the financial load. The frustrating part is that my mom waffles between acting totally fine with my wish to exclude my sister, acknowledging the past and that it's my day, and then guilt tripping me in to inviting her. I said from the very beginning that I didn't want to make a decision on her 'invite status' until the week or two before the wedding. Sis tends to have a cycle of [everything is fine, life is grand] and [crisis]. It's pretty unpredictable, so I thought it was reasonable to see what state she is in before extending an invitation. Sib and I were recently forced to interact (family funeral) and it was a weekend of [crisis]. I'm just so fed up. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want my new family to have to deal with it on this big day. My mom and I are really close so she knows how I feel, but I feel guilty when she says things like "I'll just keep her invitation here in case you change your mind." I dunno. This has been my life for so long and I'm just so tired.  :'(

[DesertSun77]

Hello... .

I am new to this site as well and also joined because my sister fits  the BPD diagnosis to a T. After reading your post I felt like I was reading part of my own history. With that being said i felt compelled to leave you this comment and you can do with it as you please    Do not invite her.  This is YOUR wedding YOUR day... period. I don't care who is paying for it. It is not worth you having to sacrifice your sanity for  the sake of your parents or BPD sib on what should be one of the happiest days of your life.  If your situation is anything like mine you may probably still be worried that your BPD sib could still show up even if she isn't invited?  Hopefully you could arrange for someone at the venue to ensure she isnt allowed on the premises.  I know it sounds harsh but you deserve at least this one day to celebrate the new chapter in your life. Best of luck to you and congratulations 

[Bella2050]

 I am going through the same exact thing right now except  my wedding is in August and I don't have a choice in terms of inviting my sister (she's 41 going on 16),  but I was guilt tripped by my parents to invite her to be part of the bridal party and I really don't want her to be in it. At first she refused, given that for the past year or two she hasn't been working (my dad has been financially supporting her because he doesn't want to have my nephew suffer because of her, this is a whole other issue that pisses me off) and barely leaves the house and has been avoiding people at all costs, so I wasn't surprised at all and honestly relieved. Then on thanksgiving we were talking  about the wedding and my dad sort of encouraged her to be in it, and since my little sister who I don't really get along with wanted to be in it, she agreed.  I actually had some hope that maybe this meant that she would get her stuff together and start looking for a job, leaving the house more, being a semi-normal person but this hasn't happened.  I haven't had any contact with her despite a few family events here and there and every time I cannot stand her  sense of entitlement, moodiness, bursts of rage, and the way that she treats my parents. I only hear from my parents about what's going on with her and and I am resentful of her for causing my parents so much emotional distress, which it seems is her way of getting revenge on them for their past mistakes in raising her. I told her about the bridesmaid dress appt and she said she would come but honestly I didn't want her to and secretly knew she wouldn't show anyways, so I never confirmed the date or time. All my other bridesmaids have ordered their dresses. I have not contacted her and of course she hasn't contacted me once to offer any help with wedding planning or follow up about the dress. At this point, she's out. I'm terrified of telling her and the guilt of hurting my parents even more but it's a special day and I am not wanting to deal with her. I doubt she will even go to the wedding at this point, or the shower, which I  wouldn't even be upset about, I would just be upset that my parents and my nephew would be sad. Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated!

[GreenGlit]

I was in a very similar situation to yours. I am 27, got married 6 months ago, and my sister has some severe PD, likely borderline. My mother sides with her because my sister was always throwing tantrums when she didn't get her way. I was the appeaser and was always expected to put my needs second. My whole life.

When it comes to big life events like a wedding, family dynamics are amplified - the good dynamics and the bad ones. My sister wanted HER way when planning the ceremony. Her boys were to be ring bearers. My husband and I didn't want any children. She threw a tantrum. My mom tried to convince me to do what she wanted. I considered it.

And then I took a really hard look at what this dynamic was. I suggest you sit and think about what your wedding means to you. To me, it was a public demonstration of my commitment to someone I love. And to my family, it was the moment where I show them how I expect them to treat me now as a married woman.

I decided i wasn't going to show my sister that if she threw a big enough tantrum, she could do whatever. I wasn't going to show my mom I would always yield, even when I wanted something so reasonable, even when it wasn't just about me anymore as a married woman. I also considered that if this dynamic continued, it would make my husband unhappy and strain the wonderful relationship we had. And at the end of the day, this was my wedding. My day. The day when you can ask for your family's cooperation and they should respect your wishes for 6 freaking hours. After a lifetime of me yielding, I thought this request was more than reasonable. My sister ended up choosing not to attend my wedding, mostly out of a threat, and when I didn't yield, she used her last card which was to not come. She was to be my maid of honor. I was devastated, but my friends who love me dearly rallied hard and I had the most amazing and beautiful wedding, with no distractions and no drama. I am very grateful my sister wasn't there.

My advice to you is this: what do YOU want? If you feel your sister will contribute no happy things to your day, or will only detract from YOUR moment, then do what you need to to protect this special day. But make the decision now and stand very firm. I found that my consistency lead to my family realizing I wasn't going to budge. Take time to decide and absolutely commit to it. No sister? Or sister can come with conditions? I don't know what's right for you. But you have the right to a beautiful day without people trying to sabotage your happiness. Don't forget that - your sister and mom are pulling you into the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Good luck - would love to hear updates.

[perfectstorm]

Hello ineedaconfidant

your story resonates with what I Experienced 5 years ago with my BPD sibling.

At the time of my wedding, I didn't truly understand what we were dealing with until discovering the same book and this fantastic website.  My sis basically went after my fiancée in a terrible manner prior to the wedding, carried on at my engagement party and threatened not to come. She was not asked to be a bridesmaid due to her ability to ruin every event and make it somehow about herself.

My family ended in group counselling... .I now realise why it went so badly, most counsellors are not prepared for BPD who twist and manipulate.( my wife left one session in tears after the counsellor accused her of ruining the family) My mum was the enabler and like you I have always been the person who gave in for the sake of peace.

In the end, I gave in and she came to the wedding.  I gave her the job of reading a poem during the service ( designed to include and give her a sense of belonging) the day went well, however we had a few close people trusted to keep and eye on her.

The repercussions is another story, it took years to recover from the traumatic lead up. My mother & mother in-law both ended up with shingles and my wife was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis immediately after our honeymoon.( all stress related illnesses)

The stress created was immeasurable, looking back on the wedding, getting her there was not worth the end result.

PLEASE Just make sure you protect yourself and your fiancée. limit the stress during the lead up and on the day itself. you should not be made to feel guilty as its your day to enjoy ! 

FYI - I told my parents prior to the wedding that it was the last time I played peace maker. Believe it or not I finally have power to live my life without being pulled into the latest drama. Don't get me wrong, I still have conflict with her . But under my terms. She either Hates me or my wife or loves us. I have limited the contact and strategized.  You are starting a new family and that needs to be protected first and foremost. Good Luck   

[Starting_Over]

I think you should do what you want, because you will regret it if you don't. I did not want a big party, but my mom did. To sum it up my undiagnosed BPD father made it all about him. I hated the entire process of planning the wedding. To make matters worse my bridesmaids were my sister and cousin... .Neither of them have had success with dating, and they quite pissy. If your parents are mentally healthy, then they will respect your decision whether they are paying or not.

[Meadowslark]

Are you me? Seriously, our ages are the same, same situation with the parents neglecting us in favor of the younger, dysfunctional sibling. I swear I could have written this myself.

/deep breath

I don't have much to add that others haven't already said, but it's your wedding. YOU make the decisions whether your parents are paying or not. If sister has a tendency to ruin things, exclude sister. No exceptions. My own BPDsis is not invited to the wedding for that very reason.

The day is about YOU and your husband, not your dysfunctional sister. Do not let her ruin your day!

(Also, my inbox is always open if you want to chat!)

[ineedaconfidant]

Wow! Hi Meadowslark, Starting_Over, perfectstorm, GreenGilt, Bella2050, & DesertSun77!

I hadn't logged in for a few weeks and I'm blown away by the support and by how many people have similar stories! Thank you all for posting. It helps so much to know you're not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you!   

The update for now with the wedding is that (stealing the best term EVER from Meadowslark) disasister is not invited. She very well may just show up and try to cause a scene, but I've prepared all of my bridesmaids (most of whom know her from our childhood) for that scenario. It was a tough decision, because it is a really big day and my mom's words of "you'll regret it later" clung to me. But I don't think that I will regret it. I am not holding out hope that disasister is going to get better. I know that she is going to be the way she is forever. And distancing myself from her now feels right. I don't want to jeopardize the wonderful life ahead of me for her. And I don't want to get sucked in to the past. She's toxic and I'm starting a new chapter of my life. 37 days! Anyways, Thanks so much!

Bella2050, I feel for you! Thankfully I haven't been close to my sister for a long time so no one expected me to make her a bridesmaid. I can't imagine the stress you're going through (well, I can imagine... .) Your quote "I cannot stand her sense of entitlement, moodiness, bursts of rage, and the way that she treats my parents." struck so close to home for me! How does anyone deal with this in a healthy way? It's so hard to watch the way my dBPD sis treats my parents and it makes me so angry that they don't do anything about it! UGH! I don't have advice for you there, just a big hug and I want you to know that you're not alone. 

GreenGilt, you're so right! It's hard to step back and realize that you are allowed to be happy too! You said "My mother sides with her because my sister was always throwing tantrums when she didn't get her way. I was the appeaser and was always expected to put my needs second. My whole life." O.M.G.! That's so me. It's so engrained that I don't always realize I'm doing it! Stepping back and realizing that it's okay to put myself and my fiancé first is a wonderful feeling. I'm so glad that you had a wonderful wedding! There is hope!

perfectstorm, wow! When you said "The stress created was immeasurable, looking back on the wedding, getting her there was not worth the end result." I thought, yeah, that's exactly it! It's not just the stress of the day itself but the lead up and the repercussions! It's a never ending 'perfectstorm'  having a BPD sib. I'm so sorry that you had that experience. But, wow, good for you for putting your foot down and refusing to be peacemaker moving forward! I aspire to be you one day.

Thank you all again. My inbox is open if anyone wants to chat!