My theory on why I think my ex-sil is BPD

[Ylimepie]

They say its abandonment as a young child.

Mine reports a very wonderful childhood of closeness to her parents and even extended family. She always says that she knew from a young age that she wanted to parent her kids the way her parents parented her. She still is to this day very close to her mom, and she was daddy's little girl.

But...

When she was 14, her parents divorced and rather quickly remarried... .within a couple of years or so. She says says it was terribly traumatic to watch her father raise 2 kids that weren't his, but his new wifes. To see them get birthday parties, and her nary a card. She said her world basically fell apart. She went from daddy's little girl to only visiting her dad. Her mom, in order to support her and her brother worked at night, and they were left to themselves at night.

14 is a little old for the trauma, but its probably also a developmentally important time, and she basically lost someone very important to her. He moved up north a couple of hours away.

She then got into drugs and drinking and promiscuity...

And its such a shame. She really is beautiful in so many ways. I hate that she acts crazy sometimes.

[Kwamina]

Hi Ylimepie

I think there are various factors that can contribute to the development of BPD in people. Trauma such as abandonment at a young age is indeed one of them and there for instance also seems to be a genetic component in at least some cases of BPD.

Whether the BPD was already present in her at the time or not, it's clear that her parents' divorce and the loss of the life she had was very tough for her. I can see how having less access to her dad and seeing him raise 2 other kids could spark or reinforce feelings of abandonment in her.

Also interesting that you mention how her mother worked at night to support her and her brother, which meant they were home alone at night. I can see how she might have also perceived this as a form of abandonment, especially considering she also didn't see her dad that much now anymore. She basically was seeing less of both parents now.

In your other post you mentioned how she really struggled with her husband working in the evenings leaving her alone. It could very well be that this triggered all the hurt from her past when her mother worked at night leaving them home alone and when her dad wasn't around anymore. Do you think that could be what was going on here? Did she perhaps ever express that her husband working in the evenings made her feel the way she did when her parents were divorced and her mother worked at night?

[HappyChappy]

I'm so sorry that your sil has gone into drugs and the rest. Around 25% of those with BPD simply just have the gene present, there is no environmental stimulus, according to studies. But also BPD is often miss diagnosed with PTSD or ADHD. The key difference is BPD have no empathy and play all the manipulation games. It's also fair to say that many children aged 14 would be highly unsettled by losing their farther.

Would it be fair to say that a correct diagnosis, so that we know how best to help you SIL would be more important that knowing why it happened ? Because my bro has NPD and I can't for the life understand why he got it and I didn't. One of those things I guess.