I feel emotionally abused and lost

[hoppingrobin]

I'm sorry if this is long and convoluted... .I have been blind to how bad my situation is until very recently, and am still working through many of the feelings. This is my first post here.

I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 17 and I am 25 now, and he is 27. I don't know for sure if he has BPD but everything I read about it sure sounds like him. He has so many personality and general problems though I don't know if they're stemming from BPD or are just independent issues on their own. He is a very intense person, and it sounds like he has always been so. He feels things very strongly and he often is angry and blames everyone and everything else in the world. He fails to see how problems were created by him, and he fails to see that he needs help for his many issues, he thinks he can solve everything on his own or his own way and I don't believe he can.

Recently I realized that I think I have been emotionally abused by him, especially the last few years of our relationship. I don't think he realizes he is doing it. Along with suspecting he has BPD he is a drug addict and his withdrawals can send him into wild mood swings. He will get extremely angry when he goes into withdrawal, he has never physically hurt me but all the cruel things he has said "in the moment" have finally caught up with my emotional endurance. He always apologizes, he apologizes very well and is extremely kind and loving a lot of the time which is why it has been so hard for me to see the abuse that has been going on. Especially since I have known him for so long, he was intense when we first started dating but our fights were minimal and he was pretty even tempered. I don't remember him ever yelling when we first started dating... .I admit fault in that I have made my situation very complicated, I have been financially supporting him (his typical needs as well as drug needs) the past 2 years. I am very ashamed about this, but in the time I just wanted the extreme anger from withdrawals to stop and I thought it would keep him away from crime or getting hurt, he was always promising to quit, but not with rehab, he wanted to ween himself off of it but that has not worked yet.

I feel I have put a burden on him by making him dependent on me not only financially but emotionally as most of his friends has abandoned him. I live with him and his family but his family stays away from the situation and tell me i'm the only one he listens to when I reach out to them for help. I am not sure how to leave the relationship without his own life being completely destroyed especially with him so used to me providing everything. He has threatened suicide and I do not think it is just talk. I have felt disconnected from the relationship for a long time but I care deeply about him as a person, and I do still love him, because he is actually extremely intelligent and loving, but he has so many problems and I feel he can't see most of them. In the last few months his health has declined a lot, he is basically catatonic and will sit in his bathroom sometimes for days. His legs get badly bloated and he has been told by his doctor he needs to go to the hospital but he has an intense fear of hospitals and will not let me take him. I told him I would not sit here and watch him die... .it is so hard. I see the pain in his eyes all the time.

advice, shared experiences, insight... .any sort of feedback would be helpful to me. I do not currently have a good support system and feel extremely alone.

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It has to be such a hard spot to be in. First off, get in therapy. It's been great for me, and it certainly might help you develop a plan, and it will give you an outlet. It sounds like your boyfriend's family has sort of dumped dealing with him in your lap. That isn't very fair.

Also, as you know, pwBPD often do not want to admit, or see their issues. That makes this very hard to treat. They'd almost always rather blame others. People with BPD can get better, but it takes owning up to the behaviors, and truly wanting to change them. If that element is not there, forget it.

Do you have any local groups like Al-Anon, where you can get some ideas for dealing with this? Maybe that would be a good source of support for you too? Families of addicts need somewhere to go where they feel supported, and somewhere they can get answers. I'd be as stumped as you are, but I'd bet the people there wouldn't be.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hoppinggrobin, Welcome!  You have come to a great place and we really "get it" when it comes to BPD.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  We can't diagnose anyone, though some of the symptoms you describe seem consistent with BPD.  We are here to help, so let us know if you have any particular questions.  There is also a wealth on info on this website.

LuckyJim

[sweetheart]

Hi hoppingrobin sending you some virtual    and very warm welcome from bpdfamily.

I want to start by saying you have made the first step in changing your situation by posting here. Many of us, including myself will understand the complex issues that a combination of mental illness and drug addiction can cause. All the members here can offer you support and guidance in whatever path you choose to take.

Being isolated and emotionally and financially intertwined with your bf is clearly starting to overwhelm you and I'm not surprised, this is not a situation that you can continue to sustain singlehanded. What aspects of your bf's behaviours have made you think about BPD?

I am wondering as Ceruleanblue has said whether you might feel able to reach out to a local support group for partners and family members of addicts. There will be groups locally at a time to suit you. There will also be 1:1 support available through local addiction services. Getting support will be crucial in helping you navigate your way through the issues that you highlight here.This organisation could be a starting point for you www.nar-anon.org

I want to include a link that talks about the importance of taking care of yourself, this is something that will help you feel less lost and help you get stronger emotionally. By continuing to post here, and reaching out for support is the beginning of putting yourself first.  What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[hoppingrobin]

Thank you to everyone for the welcome and support   !

I definitely wan't to go into therapy, I know I really need that outlet and having that outside perspective to help guide me in what the best actions are to take. I have tried looking into places like al-anon but they seem to be mostly located in churches, and I'm not sure if that is just a location or they are affiliated, I am not religious so it's difficult when a lot of the support groups out there are, I know a lot of people find strength in religion and I think that's awesome but I also know it's not for me and will not be helpful. I will look more into nar-anon though and see what I can find!

It gets difficult to tell exactly what is wrong with my boyfriend when his drug use has made his emotions and personality much more extreme. But I believe he has BPD because he has the fear of abandonment, it is difficult often for me to go out and do things, or I need to check in with him first and see if he will be ok with me going out with friends or what not. Sometimes I think he subconsciously sabotages me when I am about to go out with a friend by starting a fight with me. He has intense relationships, i'm not his first long term relationship, before me he dated a girl for 4 years and from his stories they had extremely heated arguments all the time but also deep deep feelings of love and connection. He has no semblance of weak emotion, he feels it all or nothing. He's self destructive; drug use, wasteful of money, unrealistic goals and expectations. He has been suicidal it sounds like for most of his life, never feeling happy with himself. He has never made a real attempt but he has pulled knives on himself or threatened to jump out of my car before. Extreme mood swings, which are worse when he goes into withdrawal, typically if he is ok with his drugs then he is relatively balanced but can be quick to get angry or passionate about something. I should say he has been using drugs long enough that he doesn't get high, he just does enough to not be ill, but it still doesn't last very long. He definitely has paranoia, which I know a lot of that comes from the drugs, worried people will see what he is doing and will call the police, stuff like that. He's very afraid of jail, which makes sense because he's a very sensitive and fragile person who also has explosive anger... .he would not do well in jail. I think the drug use may have actually started from him trying to basically self medicate against this disorder.

Anyhow, he just really can't function and doesn't seem to think therapy would help, and I really wonder if it would, though I know he needs something. But he's very stubborn. I have told him I wanted to go to an nar-anon meeting and he thought it was a silly idea, but i'm going to go anyhow. Doing anything different is better than more of the same.

Also, thank you for the link to "What does it mean to take care of yourself?" this is something I know I struggle with, it is difficult for me to put myself first... .I look forward to reading this

sorry for the long post again!

[sweetheart]

No need to apologise for the long post, you have a lot going on. In the beginning here it's important to get that out where someone can read it.

It sounds from what you have written that the most important thing you can do is focus on yourself at the moment. All the time your bf is using this complicates and obscures his situation further although I can hear that his issues are long standing. He will have to make the decision to get help and treatment for himself.

Sometimes though when we change, our SO can change as part of our process of self-discovery. You are at the beginning of that.

Have a look at the links to the right --------------------> there's some really useful information and resources there.

Have a think about what other areas might be helpful for us to look at with you once you have done some reading.