Signs of self-awareness

[Jessica84]

My uBPDbf used to rate the intensity of his emotions on a scale of 1-10. He eventually stopped giving me a number when he stabilized around 6, maybe because of new meds.

Now he's started "grading" himself - mostly on his ability to remain calm in a stressful situation, or how is day was overall. Yesterday he gave himself a D- because he blew up at work and bullied his staff, then later argued with his kids. Monday he got a B- since he had a good day, except for a minor road rage incident.

I guess this shows some kind of self-awareness? It's like he's trying to make better "grades" even though he's the one grading. Does anyone else's partner do something similar?

Not sure where he's learned this since he's not in therapy, but I'm happy he's finding new ways to express his feelings. Gives me something to work with. I can say that regardless of his "grade" for the day, he's been a lot more even-keeled with me lately. So either I've gone numb to his ups and downs... .or this new thing he's doing is actually helping?

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[Caley]

I can relate to this.

It appears to me, that on occasions, my SO does this too. She seems to self-judge her reactions to situations, based upon retrospectively evaluating (hindsight).

Yesterday night she was explaining a situation, at work, where she said, "she spat her dummy out!" I asked her to explain. I'll be brief ... a situation occurred where she felt she was being made to feel obligated to cover a period of time at work due to short staffing. She said that she had booked that particular day off as holiday because she needed to give some attention to an art project. The deadline for the art project was looming and she felt she hadn't made enough progress with it so far.

I asked her why she felt that this was "spitting her dummy out". She replied with, " I could have found a better way to say what I did because, on reflection, it might have been interpreted as 'acerbic'.

I proposed that perhaps it was just her maintaining her position, and plans, and being assertive. That, perhaps, being assertive felt a little foreign to her ... that, perhaps, it was that she felt it isn't OK to stand one's ground ... that it is better to give way and acquiesce to the demands of others at the expense of her own wants.

We can all acquiesce, from time to time, because giving and taking balances things out. But, having said that ... repeatedly giving way due to feelings of obligation can be a root for later feelings of resentment.

I'm not sure whether this is true 'self-awareness' or just a sign of an ever-present, critical inner voice that only serves to drag people further into a pit of depression.

It sounds to me like they're playing out a role taught to them by past relationship dynamics? Possibly family dynamics or critical, primary care-givers (FOO stuff) enforcing behaviours that suit the care giver but not necessarily the child. Simply put, "If you are not good, I will not show you my love." So, the child learns to judge themselves as being good or bad ... the result is that they themselves get to accept or reject themselves as being acceptable or unacceptable to themselves. Horrible thought that!

[Chilibean13]

Sounds like he knows that his emotions are out of control and is looking for ways to try to regulate himself. That's so good! If he is aware enough to rate himself then that means he is thinking about and considering his emotions. In a sense, he is practicing mindfulness, but after the fact. It's a start and make sure you encourage him and validate him when he does it. Maybe for him he feels like this is a key to self-control!

[Jessica84]

Thanks for the insights. I thought this might be some form of progress in self-validation? Like he's starting to look to himself for praise or look objectively at how he handled his day.

I remember when I was in college how good an A felt so I worked hard to get A's. So if he was starting each day wanting a positive outcome (a good grade), then he is able to work toward that goal. That would be a good thing.

But it's more likely he is using this grading system to reward/berate himself at the end of each day. I noticed his rewards and penalties are starting to look the same - overindulgence in things that are bad for him.

Monday was a B- day so he bought a new TV he can't afford and ate an entire bucket of fried chicken  . Tuesday was a D day (maybe because he overspent and overate the day before). He then blamed everyone. Naturally they all reacted badly the next day, making Wednesday an F day - so he got drunk last night. He called this morning hungover and moody - not toward me at least, I have the benefit of the tools. His poor staff, family and friends are on a rollercoaster from hell.

Personally I'm hoping for C's at this point... .Nothing to reward, nothing to penalize.

[HopefulDad]

My ex became aware of her outbursts and curbed them significantly.  However, the anger that fueled them didn't subside.  So instead of raging loudly, she raged silently via silent treatment.  While she likely thought she was being self-aware and made improvement, I didn't agree.

Pay close attention to the signs, not just what you see on the surface.

[Stalwart]

Hey Jessica:

You certainly have patience if not a good sense of humour about the situation.

I guess the question really is with regards to mindfulness if there is a way or opportunity to change his 'grading' or 'degrading' into a more meaningful conversation of "What could you have changed to make it a B instead of C ?" Not sure what his response would be but it would change the dynamics of his self-evaluation into something more positive.

Just a suggestion, you know the situation better than anyone else.

Wouldn't we all like to live in C's. Personally I shoot for A's and I'm really happy with B's :-)

[sweetheart]

Hi Jessica84,

I just want to build on Stalwarts response in thinking about ways you could help your SO increase his ability to expand on his self-awareness.

Using validating questions might help him open up more and encourage him to find solutions to the situation behind his grades.

Here is a link that explains and gives examples of validating questions,

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

[Jessica84]

Thank you, that is great advice! I mostly listen and let him vent and solve his own problems, only asking questions when I don't know how or what to validate. Asking questions like the one Stalwart suggested is helpful. Thank you, I'll try that.