Gonna give NC/ very LC another try

[kc sunshine]

I feel like the worst NCer on this board but I'm going to give it another try. I don't like who I am becoming in the aftermath of this breakup and I want to regain perspective, and myself.

[Scopikaz]

I told you I Am the worst. It's been three months and the longest I've been is four days on two separate occasions.  Today I'm on day two. Hoping this time it will go three weeks or so until the concert we are going to.  And maybe by then I won't feel need to take her. 

Although we are playing trivia crack which technically is contact . But I'm referring to texts or Facebook messages.

I'm assuming I may hear from her first and if so I'll need to decide how to respond.

[kc sunshine]

Hahaha, no way I am the worst. And I feel like the board must be soo sick of me! Today is my day 1. Successes so far: I deleted all her text messages. Also, I resisted driving by her house on the way home from yoga.

Motto: Get me back.

[Rifka]

Kc, sent you a pm!

[kc sunshine]

Thanks for your message Rifka! I sent you one back!

Scopikaz, how are you doing? I didn't keep up NC yesterday, but I've been doing pretty well today.

[Scopikaz]

I'm on day three so far.  Longest I've went is four days. Pretty sad I know. I feel good about beating that right now.  I'm still planning on taking her to concert though I know in two weeks.  I'm going to try to stay no contact till couple days before show.  How long ago did you all split up again?  And have there been any attempted retries?

[MapleBob]

I wish I had the option to contact her, but she made it pretty clear not to. And I'm not caving now, not after 7(?) weeks!

Are you all having fairly mutual contact initiation?

[kc sunshine]

MapleBob, our contact has been  of the pull push variety... .I think she is in between relationships and so for the last two weeks she has been contacting me on and off. She'll contact and then go silent. Kiss me, then pull back. Holds my hand in the movies and then let go. My challenge has been to maintain a steady rudder throughout it... .and it's been tough. 

I've almost made it through the day NC though and I don't really have any urge to contact her though I'm still checking to see if she contacts me. We had a nice night with her daughter yesterday so things feel peaceful between us. I find it easiest to maintain NC when there is peace. I'm going to face a challenge tomorrow-- she's doing this drag show/dance party thing and I told her I couldn't go because it would be too difficult for me re: to see her dancing with other people, etc. She was gracious about it, and understood. My codependent challenge will be to accept whatever happens there as meant to be/God's will! (e.g. if she meets someone new, etc).  

Skopikaz, we split up in early December (she broke up with me in October but we were still functionally together until she got together with someone else in Dec). I went out of town for a couple months so there wasn't much possibility of retrying. I've been back for about a month. I think she's toyed with the idea of retrying (thus the pull) but is really ambivalent about it (thus the push). My ex is also very very active going out etc-- it almost feels manic. It sounds like it is the same with your ex. How are you managing with the jealousy? Does she tell you about the others?

I wish I had the option to contact her, but she made it pretty clear not to. And I'm not caving now, not after 7(?) weeks!

Are you all having fairly mutual contact initiation?

[kc sunshine]

Made it through day 1 yesterday though the end of the day was tough. Starting day 2. This is rough going gang. Skopikaz, MapleBob, and others who might be in the early phases-- how are you?

[MapleBob]

Made it through day 1 yesterday though the end of the day was tough. Starting day 2. This is rough going gang. Skopikaz, MapleBob, and others who might be in the early phases-- how are you?

I'm at seven weeks as of yesterday, so maybe that's not exactly "early phase", but... .I'm hanging in there. My birthday is coming up at the end of March, and that will mark ~90 days NC, so I'm wondering if I'll hear from her then in some way, shape, or form. That's the next easy excuse for her to contact me. I'm still ruminating, I'm still angry, I still miss her. Seeing someone new, it's going pretty well, but it's just not the same. Trying to heal, trying to build walls inside myself against the thought of her... .

[Scopikaz]

Day four today for me of not texting her. It's tough.  But I know im still planning on the concert in two weeks. I know I shouldn't do that. But honestly I will.  I am curious if she will reach out to me before then.  I'm playing trivia crack with her still though. So technically I am communicating with her on some level I know. But not texting her is huge step for me. If I can make it through today it will be a record for me.

[C.Stein]

Day four today for me of not texting her. It's tough.  But I know im still planning on the concert in two weeks. I know I shouldn't do that. But honestly I will.  I am curious if she will reach out to me before then.  I'm playing trivia crack with her still though. So technically I am communicating with her on some level I know. But not texting her is huge step for me. If I can make it through today it will be a record for me.

Why are you even bothering with NC if you are not disengaging from her?  If the goal is to detach then you need to do just that ... .detach completely.  

[Confused?]

Day four today for me of not texting her. It's tough.  But I know im still planning on the concert in two weeks. I know I shouldn't do that. But honestly I will.  I am curious if she will reach out to me before then.  I'm playing trivia crack with her still though. So technically I am communicating with her on some level I know. But not texting her is huge step for me. If I can make it through today it will be a record for me.

Why are you even bothering with NC if you are not disengaging from her?  If the goal is to detach then you need to do just that ... .detach completely.  

I think a lot of people here fail to understand the use of no contact.

[Scopikaz]

I understand nc is not about them. It's about me. It's about me clearing my mind.  Moving on. Detaching.  But I'm doing what I am

Able to do at the pace I can. I wish I could go cold turkey and never look back. Sadly I am not able to at this point. But not texting her is a start. A step in the right direction. It's all I can do right now.

[steelwork]

I understand nc is not about them. It's about me. It's about me clearing my mind.  Moving on. Detaching.  But I'm doing what I am

Able to do at the pace I can. I wish I could go cold turkey and never look back. Sadly I am not able to at this point. But not texting her is a start. A step in the right direction. It's all I can do right now.

I salute you Scopikaz. I was the lucky beneficiary  of a big freeze-out. I can't imagine how hard voluntarily establishing no contact must be.

[Scopikaz]

Thank you. But it's not totally voluntarily In the sense that she doesn't reach out to me either.  Understand in January and February I blocked her from Facebook.  Both times she all but begged me not to shut her out of my life. So I re friended her both times.  But when I don't contact her she doesn't reach out to me either. Except this last time and that was only because she feared I wouldn't take her to the concert still. And that was obvious. 

If I were to text her. She would respond. But it would be brief and to point. Or it would be some sort of self loathing on her part.  If I tried to get deep she wouldn't respond or she would shut it down.

So really this no contact is semi voluntary. 

I keep praying for Gods will in all this.  But really lets see:

She doesn't want a relationship and makes it clear how much the thought pains her

All my friends say move on

Everyone here says move on

Experts would say move on

The past is the best indicator of the future. Which should say a lot

And we started out as affair 2 1/2 years ago.  So God never could have blessed it and likely therefore would never reconcile us

So really his will should be pretty clear, right? 

It's like what I see on fb so much.  If a door is closed quit banging on it.  I've been banging on a closed door for three months now.   And the only opening I've had was for a concert. A musical. And a trip to see her kids where i paid most of it. 

Other than that she can't even acknowledge me during week.  But those three weekends seemed so great. 

[steelwork]

If I were to text her. She would respond. But it would be brief and to point. Or it would be some sort of self loathing on her part.  If I tried to get deep she wouldn't respond or she would shut it down.

This reminds me very much of the two months of low contact I had with my ex--except that he alternated between superficial happy-talk and self-loathing. That probably would have continued indefinitely, except that I finally stopped pussyfooting around and told him I was unhappy with his avoidance. Then he pulled the plug.

[JQ]

Hey Group,

In the military & in other places we've learned that 30 days makes a habit ... .don't eat junk food for 30 days, you loose the craving for it. 30 days of exercise & you feel you need to do it ... .30 days NC and things GET SO MUCH BETTER FOR YOU!      

MapleBob ... .you get a 1 month NC coin, "kinda like AA" ... .the next one is 3 months so hang tough. Make plans for your birthday NOT to be at home but out with a buddy or two ... .or even a date ... .when you're out ... .turn your phone off so that you don't get the need to respond to calls or texts from anyone you're not suppose too.

In fact it's a good practice for everyone to follow ... .turn off the phone if you're not expecting any calls or text to help you get to that point ... .if you're out & or on a date, shut it off ... .it's rude to the person your sharing your time with if you're constantly interrupted ... .

@Scopikaz ... .I would agree with C.Stein & Confused ... .that NC is NC and just because you're playing online games with her doesn't qualify for NC ... .SHE is in control & manipulating the relationship whether you see that or not ... .YOU need to take control of YOUR life & if it IS your intention to proceed with NC ... .then cut all ties to prevent any further manipulation of your feelings, emotions & thoughts.

WE all need to take a moment ... .go to a mirror ... .look ourselves in the eyes and ask ourselves what the hell are we doing?  Are you happy that he/she is manipulating  your emotions & feelings & behavior like a puppet on a string?  Are you sitting in your in place NOT going out, NOT exploring life, NOT engaging in friends, family or life because you're praying, hoping, wishing that you EX-BPD will just call ... .text ... .email you to let you know that they love you & want to make things work between you two?  Are YOU happy the way things are NOW? 

YOU & ONLY YOU can make the changes needed to start YOUR new life! To be reborn as it were. Your EX-BPD is in control of YOUR life at the moment ... .Your EX-BPD is manipulating YOU and you can't even see it because of FOG ... .ask yourself ... .is this how you want to live your life? TO be controlled & at the beckon call of your BPD at a place & time of their choosing ... .maybe weeks or months down the road?  Or are you going to take control of your life once again and move forward to live life ... .I MEAN REALLY LIVE LIFE!

Ask yourself this ... .if you were to get in a car crash tomorrow ... .and you were paralyzed or worse killed ... .would you be ok with all that you have done so far in your life? Or would you be angry at yourself for letting someone else rule, control, manipulate you in to what they wanted ... .not what you wanted ... .are you a sheep to follow others ... .or are you the sheep dog !

BOW WOW BABY ! BOW WOW!

JQ

[kc sunshine]

Of course you all are right-- that's why we are saying we are the worst NCers ever!  except that it is painful!

I can go NC but when she contacts me it is very difficult for me not to reply/respond. Perhaps going through this cycle of her ambivalent attempts at recycling while she is in between relationships will do the trick for me.

Or perhaps NC is too dramatic for us... .perhaps what I can work on is releasing with grace, graceful to her and graceful to myself. And radically accepting where we are, where she is, where I am-- knowing that detaching is a process.

[/quote]
Why are you even bothering with NC if you are not disengaging from her?  If the goal is to detach then you need to do just that ... .detach completely.  [/quote]
I think a lot of people here fail to understand the use of no contact. [/quote]

[kc sunshine]

JT, I love your optimism! Did 30 days work for you?

Hey Group,

In the military & in other places we've learned that 30 days makes a habit ... .don't eat junk food for 30 days, you loose the craving for it. 30 days of exercise & you feel you need to do it ... .30 days NC and things GET SO MUCH BETTER FOR YOU~!      

MapleBob ... .you get a 1 month NC coin, "kinda like AA" ... .the next one is 3 months so hang tough. Make plans for your birthday NOT to be at home but out with a buddy or two ... .or even a date ... .when you're out ... .turn your phone off so that you don't get the need to respond to calls or texts from anyone you're not suppose too.

In fact it's a good practice for everyone to follow ... .turn off the phone if you're not expecting any calls or text to help you get to that point ... .if you're out & or on a date, shut it off ... .it's rude to the person your sharing your time with if you're constantly interrupted ... .

@Scopikaz ... .I would agree with C.Stein & Confused ... .that NC is NC and just because you're playing online games with her doesn't qualify for NC ... .SHE is in control & manipulating the relationship whether you see that or not ... .YOU need to take control of YOUR life & if it IS your intention to proceed with NC ... .then cut all ties to prevent any further manipulation of your feelings, emotions & thoughts.

WE all need to take a moment ... .go to a mirror ... .look ourselves in the eyes and ask ourselves what the hell are we doing?  Are you happy that he/she is manipulating  your emotions & feelings & behavior like a puppet on a string?  Are you sitting in your in place NOT going out, NOT exploring life, NOT engaging in friends, family or life because you're praying, hoping, wishing that you EX-BPD will just call ... .text ... .email you to let you know that they love you & want to make things work between you two?  Are YOU happy the way things are NOW? 

YOU & ONLY YOU can make the changes needed to start YOUR new life~! To be reborn as it were. Your EX-BPD is in control of YOUR life at the moment ... .Your EX-BPD is manipulating YOU and you can't even see it because of FOG ... .ask yourself ... .is this how you want to live your life? TO be controlled & at the beckon call of your BPD at a place & time of their choosing ... .maybe weeks or months down the road?  Or are you going to take control of your life once again and move forward to live life ... .I MEAN REALLY LIVE LIFE~!

Ask yourself this ... .if you were to get in a car crash tomorrow ... .and you were paralyzed or worse killed ... .would you be ok with all that you have done so far in your life? Or would you be angry at yourself for letting someone else rule, control, manipulate you in to what they wanted ... .not what you wanted ... .are you a sheep to follow others ... .or are you the sheep dog !

BOW WOW BABY ! BOW WOW~!

JQ

[Scopikaz]

I definitely love her and want her back. But I know it's not my choice. It's hers and/or Gods choice. 

I was married 16 plus years. It wasn't a great marriage.  But in the two years I was with me exgf I think i loved her more than my wife I believe. And oddly although my wife ended the marriage, I am taking this way harder then the ending of my marriage. 


It's been three months and no doubt total no contact would help. But I'm just not at that point of total no contact.  She's beautiful. Smart. Funny. Endearing. Etc. I'm surprised she hasn't fully met someone yet.  But I know it's only a matter of time.   

[JQ]

Hey Group,

KC ... .yes the 30 days makes a habit rule did work for me. I know ... .I know how hard it is to detach & go completely NC. I won't say it wasn't hard ... .it was ... .without a doubt ... .how many times did I pick up the phone to see if I missed a text, a phone call ... .how many sleepless nights did I have because my mind wouldn't shut off wondering where she was, who was she sleeping with tonight ... .then one day you wake up and the lightbulb goes off    WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MYSELF? THIS IS NOT WHO THE HELL I AM?  I'M GOING TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK! MOVE FOWARD!

BUT let me ask this of the group! Did anyone ... .and I mean ANYONE here really like the cheating, then the lying about it, his/her way to justify it in THEIR world? How about the raging, the deregulation, projection, the Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde wondering which one you were going to come home too? Did anyone enjoy the crazy behavior they exhibit on nearly a daily basis?  Does anyone enjoy comprising their mind, body & soul to learn a new language & behavior modification of yourself so as NOT to trigger their behavior? For those who have kids, do you like to try & explain why mommy or daddy is doing a meltdown ... .or looking into your child's eyes dejected and demoralized wondering how you could be sitting this example for them to follow once they grow up and obtain a dysfunctional spouse of their own perpetuating your own relationship on yet another generation? Did anyone like to hear stories about the other lovers in the BPD life ... .and or suggestions about how you might not measure up to them? Did anyone really enjoy ALL the manipulations & control they seem to have over our lives? Does anyone really like the mental, physical, emotional, abuse that your BPD dishes out on you on a constant bases?  Does anyone really enjoy the recycle after recycle after recycle?  REALLY GUYS? 

KC ... .I didn't just wake up one morning and go I'm done ... .I did a deep dive on myself and I educated myself of the seriousness of how bad a Cluster B mental illness BPD actually is. I spent more then my fair share with a therapist ... .I learned why I WAS a codependent and how to correct MY behavior so that I can learn the warning signs of someone who is mentally ill with BPD. I read book after book and spent time with a couple of friends who are clinical physiologist with no holds bar on just the damage someone with BPD can cause ... .and it'll never end. IF you're honest with yourself and look into your BPD history you'll see a LOONG history of failed marriages, relationships ... .and your BPD has blamed them all these years for the bad breakup, abuse, etc.

I read post after post, going back to 2008 here on this website ... .and what I found is that someone who came here yesterday trying to find out how to save or educate themselves on BPD is nearly identical to a post from 2008 or any where in-between. I've read more then one post on the staying board with members still asking questions with 1000 ... .2000 ... .3000 posts on how to manage their BPD. Asking does it ever get better? Do they ever become cured? how to handle yet another break up, another situation with their BPD cheating or raging or devaluing them in some way shape or form.

After all of that ... .and a glass of wine or two ... .I woke up one morning ... .and look in the mirror after another sleepless night asking myself ... .what the hell J? Dude you're better then this ... .you've lost your soul ... .you've lost who you are. My friends told me I had lost my laugh, good nature, my smile ... .that the old J had seem to disappear.   I knew it was time to take back control of MY life!  I knew it was time for me to live MY life for ME!  I knew it was time to MAKE things happen instead of sitting around, depressed, wishing, hoping, praying for her to call me and tell me what I THOUGHT I wanted to hear.  I am in control of MY destiny!  I blocked her from FB & other social media ... .the first step of a new path on my journey!

That morning I took a hot shower ... .started my first of many walks, bike rides to get the good endorphins in my body circulating!  I got a hair cut, trimmed up the beard & went out and got a couple of compliments at the grocery store!  Speaking of ... .I went to the grocery store and bought things to make a salad, and other healthy food to help my mind & spirit.  I threw out all the damn junk food because NOTHING good comes from it ... .not even your poo!    I took myself to a funny movie because laughter is very important to a healthy mind & spirit!  I spent as much time outdoors on my walks to enjoy the small things in life ... .the birds singing, kids laughing in the distance playing, the sun & breeze on my face!  I reached out to old friends who I hadn't talked to in awhile & reconnected ... .WOW ... .how helpful that was to reconnect with friends!  I started to sleep better ... .I took melatonin to help me obtain more sleep naturally vise a drug induced coma that make me feel like crap when I woke up.

I started to write a journal on my computer ... .my mood adjustments, my walks, bike rides, the days I went out and how long I was in the sun. The eating adjustments I made and the movies I went to see, the friends I talked to and the how many times I laughed or smiled that day. I started to notice a change ... .I really did!  I started to laugh more ... .I started to smile more ... .engage people more ... .I started to feel better about myself ... .mind body and soul. I started to lose weight ... .my mind started to get clearer. I started to plan things again ... .engage life ... .explore life once again!  This turn around actually started to improve my outlook and my mental & physical health in less then 30 days ... .and I haven't stopped!  It all became a habit ... .a very healthy habit!

You can do it too ... .no pills needed ... .no special tools ... .YOU have to be the one who wakes up one morning & say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!  I'M TAKING MY LIFE BACK!  And the next thing you know ... .1 day has gone by ... .1 week ... .1 month ... .and you see someone in the grocery store & start up a conversation ... .a bunch of friends & you go out to a movie, dinner, coffee ... .concert ... .road trip ... .and you will meet someone who is worthy of you ... .someone who compliments you and you compliment them!

Enjoy life KC ... .group ... .you only get one go around ... .I don't intend to spend it sniffling, wishing, praying for my BPD to magically heal from the serious MENTAL ILLNESS that she has ... .I feel for her ... .I miss her ... .I love her ... .I would be a cold heartless human being not worthy of anyones love if I didn't ... .but until science can figure out a way to surgically or genetically alter her brain & behavior ... .she's never going to become ... ."CURED" ... .I had to stop living a pipe dream ... .the best anyone can hope for is SOME management of bad behavior ... .but it will never be complete ... .I CHOOSE TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME!

J

[steelwork]

JQ, you need to hang that MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER shingle!  Serious!  I mean, I'm hardly doing any of that stuff, and I was still barely human at 30 days, just aiming to spend time in public without losing it, but I bet you woulda made me smile.

[JQ]

JQ, you need to hang that MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER shingle!  Serious!  I mean, I'm hardly doing any of that stuff, and I was still barely human at 30 days, just aiming to spend time in public without losing it, but I bet you woulda made me smile.

Steelwork,

There is a difference ... .not to judge you ... .but there is a difference.  o you see the difference between what you said here and what I did?  You said, "I'm hardly doing any of that stuff, and I was still barely human at 30 days, just aiming to spend time in public without losing it,"   You were doing the minimum ... .you hadn't changed your diet, the physical part of it, the walking, biking, movies, calling friends ... .you were just existing ... .YOU HAVE TO BE AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN YOUR OWN RECOVERY!  

All those physical things ... .biking, walking, running, hiking, gym ... .all those things ACTUALLY get the good endorphins in your body circulating!  The bright sun in your face does so much for other endorphins hitting your brain to improve mental attitude!  If you're in a dark place in the country right now due to the winter ... .change your lightbulbs out to 100 watts ... .and NOT the soft white crap ... .bright is better! The light hitting the back of your eyes sends signals to your brain that help with better moods.  Going to funny movies, comedy shows, watching funny tv shows helps with adjustment of mental healthy, moods like a brighter sun, physical movement in the gym, biking, etc.  Getting rid of the junk food is another thing ... .the sludge that stays in your body is never good ... .slows you brain down ... .slows you body down. Makes you gain weight which in turns makes you more depressed and so the depressive cycle gets deeper and deeper.  

Make these changes in your daily routine and trust me ... .YOU WILL NOTICE A DIFFERENCE in your overall mental & physical healthy in 30 days!  Which in turns helps with moving on from your other depressive state of the BPD ... .

You got this Steelwork!  The ONLY ONE who is preventing you from getting better & moving on at this point is you ... .you're the one limiting yourself ... .STOP IT!  

J

[steelwork]

Hahaha... .seriously, you're cracking me up!

I went running today! Okay? At the 30 day mark I was focused on meditating. That was almost a year ago. I was a squashed bug, and I believe I did my very best. It's a fine line between trying not to wallow and beating yourself up when you're sick. For me at that time, eating enough every day was a struggle. I lost 15lbs in like 6 weeks. Just saying: do the best you can, and don't sweat it if you're not 100% in 30 days. 

[kc sunshine]

Okay, I'm sold! I'm on the JQ plan! JQ: did your ex try to contact you in those 30 days? How did you resist responding? Or had the FOG lifted so much, you didn't feel like you needed to?

[JQ]

JQ, you need to hang that MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER shingle!  Serious!  I mean, I'm hardly doing any of that stuff, and I was still barely human at 30 days, just aiming to spend time in public without losing it, but I bet you woulda made me smile.

Steelwork & Group,

If you're really serious ... .and I mean really serious about going NC ... .changing the direction your life is headed and wanting to improve your outlook on life ... .then do this one thing.

I don't care where you live in the world ... .some small town to the largest city ... .each one of you know of a spot that would be AWESOME to watch the sunrise come up!  Get up tomorrow 30-45 minutes depending on how long it will take you to get there ... .fix a cup of coffee ... .take that shower ... .get dressed and take a second cup of coffee with you out the door ... .walk, drive to or sit on your back patio to watch the sun come up!

Enjoy the colors of this new dawn ... .how the stars in the sky to give way to the morning ... .how the dark sky starts to give way to the light blues ... .then the light color of yellow ... .then a few more minutes ... .more blue ... .more yellow ... .you see the crest of the sun break the horizon ... .you hear birds start to sing ... .you hear nature start to wake up from a night of sleep ... .you look again ... .the sun is 1/2 way ... .more colors of yellows, oranges, reds, blues start to fill the sky ... .you smile at the ahhh of it ... .you take a sip of your coffee ... .your tea ... .your hot chocolate ... .you take a deep breath and look at the sun ... .you feel the change starting deep within you ... .you take another deep breath and a bigger smile is on your face watching the sun fully break the horizon ... .the black sky & stars have all but gone ... .you see whips of white cotton clouds with pinks, reds, yellows, oranges in them against the background of a blue sky ... .you take another ship of your coffee ... .look down for a moment ... .smile ... .look back up at the morning sky and chuckle to yourself ... .and you say to yourself ... .

Today is the day I take my life back !  Today and every day after this one belongs to me!    

J

[Anez]

One day at a time, guys. You can do it.

I work with my ex and have said 4 words to her in two weeks. Just cordial hellos. I don't feel the urge to text her anymore. Tonight I'm going on a third date with a woman who I'm into and is into me and it feels good.

I see my BPD ex's whole picture and realized she'll never have the ability to be on the type of relationship that I want to be in. There's no fixing her. She is what she is. And that's not good enough for me.

So it's just time to move on. There are other women in the world than just her so I'm good with letting the fantasy of her disappear into the horizon.

You guys can do this - just take a good, honest look at your ex's and you'll eventually see what I saw in mine. It's just not worth it. Life is too short.

[steelwork]

I am totally watching the sunrise tomorrow. Better hit the hay early.

[JQ]

I am totally watching the sunrise tomorrow. Better hit the hay early.

Steelwork,

I expect to read your experience of your morning here tomorrow!      It truly is an amazing thing to watch the new day begin knowing that her flying monkey's will NEVER sh!t on your head anymore. 

@KC, since I locked down my FB & other social media, blocked her text & calls she had to email me ... .what you do ... .is you take your cursor ... .place it over the delete button and push the button!  Simple!  No flying monkey's, no drama, and in a way it's a small part to regain control over YOUR life ... .I can't do it ... .YOU have to push the delete button!  Then you have to place it in the spam filter ... .then you have to empty your email trash ... .every thing after that is almost automatic!  NOTHING says your required to answer any contact your BPD tries to initiate ... .DONT'!

But KC I would really like to read your sunrise experience too!  You can't believe how much it will give you a different perspective on things! 

As Anez says ... .baby steps ... .one day at a time ... .BUT each & everyone of you have it within you to make the change in YOUR life!   

J