Are you addicted to your ex-BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The more time I spend on this message board (I am very grateful for having found it), the more I am convinced many of us, if not the majority of us are addicted to the ex-BPD. People, myself included, are craving a 'hit' of the euphoria we experienced in the beginning of our relationship, or perhaps at intermittent times during. This is what addiction does to people, it destroys them by providing false hope, false happiness and distracts them from the path to happiness which can be found when free of your addiction.

I am on this site because I am a recovering ex-BPD addict and as long as I try and justify just one more note, just one more message, if I can just find the right thing to say, if i can 'break the code', as long as I do this, I will forever remain addicted. I choose to no longer be addicted and I won't allow myself to ever be chasing false hope, false happiness when I know true hope and true happiness are waiting for me once I am recovered.

[TheCodependent1]

The more time I spend on this message board (I am very grateful for having found it), the more I am convinced many of us, if not the majority of us are addicted to the ex-BPD. People, myself included, are craving a 'hit' of the euphoria we experienced in the beginning of our relationship, or perhaps at intermittent times during. This is what addiction does to people, it destroys them by providing false hope, false happiness and distracts them from the path to happiness which can be found when free of your addiction.

I am on this site because I am a recovering ex-BPD addict and as long as I try and justify just one more note, just one more message, if I can just find the right thing to say, if i can 'break the code', as long as I do this, I will forever remain addicted. I choose to no longer be addicted and I won't allow myself to ever be chasing false hope, false happiness when I know true hope and true happiness are waiting for me once I am recovered.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I know I'm addicted to my ex.

We were both addicted to each other.  He never said he loved me, but he did say, "I am addicted to you."  How accurate.

I knew I was addicted when I realized that he wasn't a particularly nice person, and I still became happy when he was nice to me.  Last fall when he was threatening me with a PPO, I felt "love" for him when he didn't do it.  Any good attention from him is like a drug to me.  So yeah, I'm addicted.  This, in spite of being on the cusp of having a really good thing going with someone else.  I recognize it for what it is, though, and I am to a point where as long as I stay balanced, I wouldn't sacrifice something else for more "hits."

I wonder, honestly, how he has stayed away from me this long without trying to get back with me, because he was even more addicted than I was.

[Scopikaz]

I'm more obsessed than addicted. All the good things are what I miss. And it's not the sex that's at the forefront.  It's how she would groom me, my nose hairs, eyebrows, even ears. How she always wanted me to wear seatbelt because she didn't want to lose me. How whether i said I love you at 3 pm or 3 am she always said I love you too. How she wanted me to kiss her every morning before leaving for work, when I got home, and before bed.  How we just enjoyed watching hgtv all the time or going out for dinner and a drink. How she craved my time and attention. How she wanted to decorate my house into a home. Putting her touch on it.  How we seemed to communicate so well. Her intelligence. Humor. Beauty. So yes. I'm

Obsessed with all of the good about her and Our r/s

Now she's hitting bars four nights a week. With what look like players or people out for little more than a good time.  Makes no sense.

[Lonely_Astro]

@Scopi: It was the idealization phase, Scopi.  That's what makes it so difficult when they leave. 


@everyone else: ask yourself if you ever found yourself saying these things about your ex (before you discovered the bad stuff, when everything was peace, love, rainbows, and unicorns):

"I just found peace and love.  She is a wonder.  She makes life much more tolerable and I am content with her.  She is better than everything else.  She makes me feel complete.  She makes me feel nice, calm, and mellow.  The rest of the world melts away when I'm around her."  As time went on, the Hater appeared but you said "I need her to feel normal. I don’t love anymore like I used to. Now I’m sick. I can’t afford to keep going like this, but I need her.  I love her.  I'll do whatever I need to, to get more of her, no matter the cost."

Did you ever find yourself saying something along those lines?  Guess what?  I just took what a heroin addict said about heroin and replaced 'heroin' with 'her'.  I said those things about J.  So, yes, I was (and still am) addicted to her.  That's why I avoid her with everything I have in me... .because I have to.

[Scopikaz]

Except the idealization phase was right up till the end. There were signs. Threatening to walk out twice.  A rage or meltdown at a good friends.  Causing me to lose 2000 on a condo because when she couldn't go and I still wanted to she threatened to leave.  Etc. but all the other things the good things lasted till the end.

[Lonely_Astro]

Except the idealization phase was right up till the end. There were signs. Threatening to walk out twice.  A rage or meltdown at a good friends.  Causing me to lose 2000 on a condo because when she couldn't go and I still wanted to she threatened to leave.  Etc. but all the other things the good things lasted till the end.

After the first "slip", did the other stuff happen sooner and sooner between "idealization"?  If so, that wasn't the idealization phase, that was the devaluing phase mixed with idealization.  It's very confusing, but thats the typical cycle.

[GreenEyedMonster]

@Scopi: It was the idealization phase, Scopi.  That's what makes it so difficult when they leave. 


@everyone else: ask yourself if you ever found yourself saying these things about your ex (before you discovered the bad stuff, when everything was peace, love, rainbows, and unicorns):

"I just found peace and love.  She is a wonder.  She makes life much more tolerable and I am content with her.  She is better than everything else.  She makes me feel complete.  She makes me feel nice, calm, and mellow.  The rest of the world melts away when I'm around her."  As time went on, the Hater appeared but you said "I need her to feel normal. I don’t love anymore like I used to. Now I’m sick. I can’t afford to keep going like this, but I need her.  I love her.  I'll do whatever I need to, to get more of her, no matter the cost."

Did you ever find yourself saying something along those lines?  Guess what?  I just took what a heroin addict said about heroin and replaced 'heroin' with 'her'.  I said those things about J.  So, yes, I was (and still am) addicted to her.  That's why I avoid her with everything I have in me... .because I have to.

I've felt this way about people, but not my ex.  I was walking on eggshells right from the beginning.  For me, the addiction is more of a trauma bond, where everything that is not abuse feels like love.  I am addicted to the "relief" that he doesn't hate me.  Pretty pathetic, really.

[MyLifeIsNow]

I'm definitely addicted. I'm still living with my BPD wife but trying to detach. I'm going through terrible withdrawals. Sometimes when the pain and anxiety is intense and I find myself thinking that all I have to is go to her and make it right. The pain will end. the torture will stop. Things will reset back to normal. Of course that's absurd. There is no "normal" with this person. I feel like there is some horrible thing in me trying to betray me. I tell myself it's the addiction talking. The logical part of me knows if I give in to the addiction, the pain and torture starts all over again.

[anothercasualty]

IThe logical part of me knows if I give in to the addiction, the pain and torture starts all over again.

 That's me. My logical side is trying to tamp down my heart side. It's quite the battle.

[Lonely_Astro]

IThe logical part of me knows if I give in to the addiction, the pain and torture starts all over again.

 That's me. My logical side is trying to tamp down my heart side. It's quite the battle.

Yep.  I know the feeling all to well.  Here I sit, on this board, talking about these things and the sad part is I know exactly what she's doing... .picking my replacements "mommy" up at the airport.  She's such a caring and dutiful girlfriend.

[TheCodependent1]

"Addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Addiction exerts a long and powerful influence on the brain that manifests in three distinct ways: craving for the object of addiction, loss of control over its use, and continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences."

Heroin, or Cocaine, or Meth, or a relationship with a BPD. Tell me, what is the difference between these three destructive entities? Absolutely nothing.

Continued contact with any of these addictive substances and you will be defeated. There is no reasoning, no logic, no ability to change the desired intent of the drug, which is your complete and utter compliance resulting in your annihilation. You are in a fight for your very survival. Is it you, or the addiction that survives?

My mantra... .No Contact. No Contact. No Contact. I am at war with my addiction to an ex-BPD and I will not lose!

[GreenEyedMonster]

For those interested in why relationships like these are so incredibly addictive, do some research on "intermittent reinforcement."  It is very powerful.

[Daniell85]

I guess I may be addicted. It appears to be a mutual obsession with the ex boyfriend. I can't live with the secrecy, lies, and semi cheating he does to prove to me he can do whatever he wants, when he wants. I already know he can. So can any of us. Who really needs to constantly be trying to prove it?   Causes me such anxiety I can barely function. Can't handle it anymore.

[kc sunshine]

Totally addicted. Whoa, that thing about intermittent reinforcement is SO apt!