BPD trying to pull you down?

[Thread]

Had a very exciting opportunity. A certain tv show dealing with my industry sought me out to do a competition. I have gotten through 2 interviews and am on to the third. It could help me pay off my student loans and then some with the winnings. Even if I don't win it is such a wonderful opportunity.

Bpd husband does what he has in the past. When I have job interviews or career promotions, he chooses those days to be negative or mean. Or cause some form of conflict. This time it's happening again.

I have friends texting me "good luck" 30 minutes prior to my second interview. Other friends seriously helping me for the next one. Friends in a 3 hour time difference helping me fill out the application. And my BPD husband, nothing. No comments. No ideas or thoughts. Only creating tension.

Is this normal? Why do I always feel like he's trying to sabotage my success. My success is his success and vice versa. Why can't he see that?

I'm so sick of it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tryingsome]

Imagine that you hate yourself down deep. How could you be happy for anyone?

This is the lesson of BPD, they tend to be pessimistic deep down.

If you want him as a cheerleader you need to involve the person.

Say, with this new job we get to do all the things you wanted to do.

Say, I am glad you are supporting me on this job. It makes me know how wonderful you are.

Say, you helped making this new job possible. You are amazing this way.

[livednlearned]

Hi Hanging,

Congratulations on the new opportunity! 

Like tryingsome mentioned, for a person with low self worth, the idea of someone else succeeding can be hard to deal with. It could mean change, it could mean you will realize that you're a wonderful person, and you might leave your BPD loved one behind. It's something happening to you, not your partner, they could feel left out. Or sad that it isn't happening to them.

He is not necessarily trying to sabotage your success. He is trying to survive the anxiety it produces in him.

When he creates tension over your opportunities, how do you respond to him?

[Thread]

Thank you tryingsome!

And livenlearned!

I definitely used tryingsomes's advice and it worked well. At first he was being snappy and mean. He spouted off at me 3 times in 30min. It was not warranted. I did what his DBT therapist said was okay to do which was to separate myself from him because I was sensing his edginess and it was triggering my anxiety alarm. I went to the other room which has now become my safe zone which lets him know he is making me uncomfortable. He still did his thing where he starts putting me down due to it, but it was shortened this time around.

After there was cooling off period I did what tryingsome suggested. I expressed how this could be good for us, for our bills, and what a great opportunity was for our company. I also let him know how much I needed his support and encouragement and how it helped make me stronger having him backing me. He never responded but he completely switched. When he came home he did not complain, did not put down the person who was going to help us execute the 3rd interview, and when we worked on the project needed for the 3rd round he was very polite and pleasant to the other person involved! I was very worried about that part! I really dislike when the other people get negative attitudes from my Bpd husband because I have lost a few mentors from it  

So thank you for the explanations of why he reacts these ways, which livenlearned you are right on about the whole him feeling I will get a self esteem and leave him thing! I know that is always a big root of all our issues. And yes, he had stated a few weeks ago in DBT therapy he always feels like I'm movin forward without him.

Thanks you two! I believe this was a success!

[Chilibean13]

Sadly this is something I see very frequently with my uBPDh. I have great opportunities come my way and the first thing he thinks is, "How will this affect me?" instead of "I'm so excited for you!" And if I don't respond appropriately then he gets angry and usually says he does not want me to take the opportunity.

My guess is that pwBPD react this way because they fear that this opportunity could lead us away from them, whether it could be more time away from home, the opportunity causes a change (in schedule, people, just being a change in general), or you could meet someone new while participating in the opportunity and this person could woo you away from you pwBPD. Even if all of these situations would never happen, their first reaction is "How will I be abandoned?"

Sadly, when it comes to celebrating or getting support in these situations you may never get it from your SO. You may just have to find the encouragement inside yourself or from others.