Still see ex Bpd as we have child together

[Adamski]

Hi Im finding seeing ex very tough, when I pick up my child often wonder what she is doing with her time and if there is someone new in her life. I don't want to rekindle the relationship, but I still have jealous or confused emotions.

[tryingsome]

I have kids and have to see my ex at least 3 times if not more a week.

It is not something I want to do, but have to by choice. So I can sort of understand the dilemma.

But for me, I just don't like her; not that I am jealous or care what she is doing.

So let's explore you.


What do you think the worse thing she is doing with her life? (It is probably true).

Are you assigning personal values/morals to her lifestyle?

Do you think this is where the jealousy is coming from? That she is free (morally) and you are not?

It is tough to see someone that 'used' you? Realize she uses everyone because 'she has to'.

Honestly you have more freedom than her. Take pride you control your impulses.

Sometimes it feels like they can have their cake and eat it too.

You can too, but you can also not even have the cake. They HAVE to have the cake.

Think about this for a bit. They are going to spend her life just taking the cake and eating it.

You have a choice, they don;t. Once you start understanding this, I believe the jealousy and the preoccupied thoughts about them will slowly go away.

Show your child they have a choice. That is the most important thing here.

[Adamski]

Thankyou very much for responding - its taken me a while to write.

The tricky aspect is that I like elements of her personality, but fear others. I dont know which parts of her identity are fabricated and whats naturally her. As of jealousy I am still facing bouts of low self esteem and wondering if she has found someone else.

I know all this is ridiculous, but its also how having to see her 3 or 4 times a week makes me feel.

There might be an element of judgement, wondering if she has moved on and how she seems to do it with ease.

I guess its still very early days and time passing will help these thoughts subside and I will move on.

You're analogies do help thankyou, but I sometimes wonder that my lack of control got me to this point?

I really value your imput, if you reply and I dont get back right away please excuse me, im not very well at the moment.

[Suzn]

Hello Adamski   

It's normal to have twinges of jealousy soon after a breakup and that can certainly be confusing when we no longer wish to remain in a relationship. At one time we were working hard to keep the relationship together and it can be hard to let go so soon, especially when there's a child involved. How old is your child? How is your child handling the split?

Where you married? What did your relationship look like? 

[Adamski]

Hi, thankyou for your help.

We where not married and had a very turbulent relationship - we broke up on many occasions, I had my own home which made this much easier in some respects, but also quite difficult in others - may have even been a catalyst when my ex felt clostrophobic.

My boy R is now 2 and 4 months, hes not really aware of relationship structures, we did argue around him sometimes, which I regret hugely.

I still find her changing moods and attitudes towards me very confusing.

Sorry for slow reply, I work many hours - also finding the complexities of the relationship confusing.

[SWLSR]

Adam,

I also have a child with my BPD exwife.  You will in time stop doing this.  There will come a day when you simply don't care at all what she is doing.  Try this.  When I think about her I am playing her game and its a game I can not win.  BPD exes like to keep you in this trap.  I don't know why they do but its part of there game.  And trust me when you break away they sense it and try to reel you back into there game.  Stay strong get better and although this awful memory of what she did will always be a part of you, there will be bright and happy days in your life again. 

[Adamski]

Thankyou

I have just suffered a breakdown - been very negative and still feel part of her game. She is talking about seeing someone, she previously wasn't very nice about (when we where together) - I feel quite jealous or used, so mixed up about it emotionally and lack self confidence.

My boy is only 2 and she constantly undermines me as she has been a mother for 18 years, as soon as I have an opinion, she gets really stroppy and accuses me of undermining her? She treats me with no respect at all - I cant tell her this, as she will shut off.

I really do understand what your saying and will take your thoughts on board.

[JerryRG]

Hey Adamski

I'm in the exact situation you are in, child is 2 next month. Same emotions and I just want to say you're not alone. I'm new to these forums and don't really have advice. I hope you keep sharing here and help me and others in the same circumstances. I am codependent and working on myself, it isn't easy but getting better for my son and myself is the only option.

Lots of good people here that are far more experienced than me so I like to just vent and ask questions to get well.

I hope you recover soon and you and your children can live a long happy, healthy life

[Adamski]

Thank you Jerry for the kind words of reassurance, I am sure our time and effort will pay off - although currently things are hard. I came here because my mental energy has been zapped due to stress and ill health I was amazed at how friendly and helpful everyone was being. May I also say that you are more expert than you probably know, as everyone has a different story and experience.

My Son has been my guiding light throughout this, as probably your child is to you - there has been a lot of co-dependency through our relationship, its in my character to want to help others first, as I can see here with all the kind thoughts and advice, may be with others.

I do still get caught up in the crazy making, she is still making things up, or twisting things and then becomes really nice again when she realises her fault, but never apologising. She is out with another man today - I think she cheated on me with whilst we where together - she cheated on her ex and others before. Kinda makes me feel superfluous - Im not currently thinking about a new partner, but do have bad self esteem, a little bit older and had many problems with my teeth, missing and bad, this makes me feel I will end up alone.

This person had extensive therapy, but used it against me sometimes, like an excuse - "my therapist says its not my fault" "its who I am, accept it" but I couldn't as she tried to to control me, no-one should accept that. Or she would say, all I need you to do is reassure her - but it was never enough when I did.

Going off on one a bit here, must be fresh because of her recent flings.

Thankyou once more

Adamski

[JerryRG]

You are very welcome Adamsville

I'm very interested in learning how you deal with this situation.

My ex is a drug addict, she abused during her pregnancy, I became the enemy as soon as we discovered she was pregnant. Her thinking was our son would help her maintain sobriety and guess that made our son a very strong but false source for her staying away from drugs. My sponsor called it before our son was born, he said our son had feet of clay and that he couldn't keep her sober. That she would give him up eventuality.

My sponsor is spot on, she has given him up many times to me but takes him back in a change of emotion. She did start using again and may be on meth again.

Currently she has him back in her care after her brother and sister in law and I cared for him, that was over 4 months ago.

Many people tell me she does indeed love our son but we all know (limited) how they cannot truly love others or be a consistent source of emotional support for a child.

People tell me and i truly believe too she is using him to keep me on her life. More manipulate, I had to tell her I couldn't live with her illness because it was killing me. I feel guilty because she depended on me but refused to take any of my suggestions to help herself get well.

So difficult to examine the facts after so much chaos, pwBPD change the playing field so often I think it keeps us nons confused and stuck in anticipating the next challenge. And I'm texting on a damn 5" screen .

Anyway I couldn't touch our son for the first 6 months due to her clingy protection of him from me, whoever would take her security away.

I fought for my rights to be with our son and it has still been hell every step of the way. I never got to bond with my son so leaving him is something I struggle with daily basis.

Not blaming our beautiful son but he's been her property since she conceived, her (hormones) went into orbit as soon as she found out, beating the hell out of me several times and tried to crash my car. Never seen that before.

My ex wife was calm as can be with our daughters.

I told my son's mother to leave and changed my number and went NC back Nov 2015, she found another guy (cough fool) and since then she contacted me twice.

I am totally afraid of her (wimp) , seriously she called the cops on me one time for not allowing her to use my phone? Her battery was dying and yep! Let's get me handcuffed over this serious crime. Did I mention she's (crazy) let that be our little secret. Lol. She tried many times to get me into trouble.

I don't want to see her, talk to her, listen to her, help her... .

Our son needs me more than ever! I've witnessed her abuse him several times, she is BPD, she will harm him in the best of circumstances. She's angry at me for kicking her aside but like I said I've done enough for her. It's time for our son and me to be together so he can be safe and learn along with me how to not get involved in these relationships.

I need to go chair an AA meeting now, missed another day at work

I'm running to stay ahead of this, oh and chemo this afternoon, that stuff knocks me down physically and I'm not happy about having cancer. The treatment had 85% success rate and guess what I was doing during my recovery? Yep I was trying to save HER! Lol I will learn one way or another.

Good luck Adam, keep us informed

[Adamski]

Hi Jerry

I have to say you are probably a lot stronger also than you think you are, that is a great deal of emotional turbulence to go through and you are still fighting it - you and I know how the guilt factor alone can be quite debilitating, never mind the multitude of layers going on other than that.

It seems like you have been able to compartmentalize the dynamics of that relationship and choose the right thing for your son, he is lucky to have a brave conscientious father like you. When people say they are weak or a wimp, I often wonder if kindness and sincerity have been confused for weakness, in my mind becoming kind and sincere is a lot harder than being a manipulative bully? I think that is the easy option?

I really hope things work out for you and you and your son can be together, the truth is there that your son needs you, more than you need him and not the other way in the case of your ex, the love for him transcends any history with your ex and is something altogether different.

Also I hope for a complete success with your treatment, that is a pretty high success rate - hope you stay positive about that.

There are many similarities in your text, for example trying to rationalise and examine things after so much chaos, crazy-making and gas-lighting, its near impossible. Especially as a new ball game is invented every time the fans stop coming to the games. Its a constant nightmare being on guard every waking hour, ready for a backlash, threat or false accusation of betrayal. It was killing me also and I do mean that literally  - I took an overdose and she called the police, because she was scared? that I wasn't rational, then when I got back from the Hospital, she refused to let me in and called me selfish for trying to kill myself with her pills. She also called my suicide attempt manipulative, but the truth was the torment had made me feel so low. This was before my boy was born, I wanted a way out. It was not the only time I thought about it, stood on many a high building, bridge and the vision of my son brought me down.

I dont want to save her any more, but I still love her and feel jealous of the new love interests in her life - this makes me feel selfish?

By the way, I am totally scared to death of her - more so the ability to change (her eyes go crazy mutate almost, like she does - she manages to become an entirely different person) from almost rational, to absolute nonsensical bat___ crazy mode. She told others I was an aggressive bully? she intimidated me, mocked me until I got angry, cried and hit myself out of frustration (never her) friends we share listen to her not me. I grabbed her wrist once when she was rushing to the car with my son as she drives crazy when shes angry and got my boy. I lost my temper in frustration a few times, but to be honest I was scared to death of her Mrs Hyde, I never once hit her, but she hit me. Threw very big heavy objects and used my insecurities against me.

That is a crazy ass reason to call the police, but my Ex browsed my phone and accounts to see if there was anything she could cause a problem with, she actually believed I was cheating on her with every female I said hello to.

I really do hope the best for you and your boy.

I am going through the motions currently, focusing on a positive future with my boy, keeping my own interests alive (although motivation is hard lethargy etc) and seeing every day I keep this focus as a triumph. To be honest with you, you have really give me a lot of food for thought, so this helps, venting and listening to people too.

I would like to here how things progress, sometimes it takes me a while to write back I work crazy shifts.

Adamski