Oh man, i watched her video

[kc sunshine]

I've been good all weekend about detaching but tonight I watched her video from her drag show last night (she had invited me to go watch her but I said no). She danced great, was gorgeous, and my heart just stopped. Gang, if anyone is awake, can you send me some words of support? I know I shouldn't have watched and I won't watch again, but oh man.

[steelwork]

kc, you deserve so much better. Your gut knows that, and it's right. This will get easier with time and distance, I promise.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you dear steelwork. And I'm going to take solace in the fact that she can find joy in movement. And solace in the fact that maybe someday I'll be able to take joy in her from afar, from the memory of our good times together. Right now it is so hard though. Somehow it seems like a difficult thing to survive-- though I know/hope/pray that I can. I am not usually this overly dramatic, it doesn't even feel like me. :'(

[steelwork]

Maybe now is a time to sit with that gratitude. You knew and loved and were loved by a beautiful woman. It was bittersweet and complex and very very flawed. This is what being human is all about, and having a soul.

[kc sunshine]

Yes, thank you for these words. And if it wasn't one thing, it would have been another in terms of breaking up-- that's what my T says and these boards seem to support it. At least we had two great honeymoon "idealization" periods. BPD is just so heartbreaking.

[thisworld]

Kc Sunshine hi

You seem to have survived a big test. Kudos to you for coming here and asking for support rather than throwing yourself into the waves of acting out - sending a message to her, etc. The more you are able to do this, the stronger you will feel and all urges will weaken in time.  

She danced great, was gorgeous, and my heart just stopped.

Yes, these are all true about your ex. But you aren't trying to keep yourself out of this relationship because she doesn't dance great, she isn't gorgeous and your heart doesn't do anything at the sight of her. Remembering our reasons for leaving after these tests helps.

If you were in a relationship with her, you would have a partner who can dance beautifully, who is gorgeous and who has a powerful emotional effect on you - for now. But you would probably be deprived of many beautiful things that your ex cannot provide - emotional safety being one.

What would you like to have in a relationship beyond good dancing capabilities, cool looks and strong attraction - which may be intense but detrimental to your emotional health? Can you share those beautiful things you want for yourself but a life with your ex cannot provide?

I believe, the more you can imagine a beautiful life beyond what she can give you, the easier it becomes to let go.

Big hug   

[kc sunshine]

Oh thisworld, thank you. Sometimes I feel bad about posting on these boards all the time-- like I am taking up too much space or should be doing better than I am and everybody is getting sick of me, especially because I keep falling back into stuff... .your words help me feel better about posting. Thank goodness for everybody here.

This line of yours made me smile: "But you aren't trying to keep yourself out of this relationship because she doesn't dance great, she isn't gorgeous and your heart doesn't do anything at the sight of her." That is so true! Here's what I'd like beyond those things:

Emotional safety for me and my kids-- yes, that would have to be number one

Joy and Laughter

Someone that I can imagine moving to the next level with (living together etc)

Someone that would stick with me and help me grow in areas that I need to grow in

Freedom and Trust

There's lots more... .I will keep thinking and writing. Thank you again  

[kc sunshine]

Also this one: Someone that isn't so ambivalent about being with me.

[thisworld]

You are more than welcome

And again, kudos to you for sharing your worries about how others may be perceiving your recovery. But really, there really is no need to compare yourself to an imaginary success standard and then feel bad. For one thing, no one's journey is comparable, we all come here with our different personalities, different backgrounds, different needs, wants, choices. Some of us share more, some of us share less but that doesn't mean that we are not in similar dilemmas. But if you still insist on comparing, the most "successful" (there is nothing like this but if you would like to imagine it) are not here anyway  They are somewhere else, doing other things  So, this is a safe place where nobody can judge you with anything. Everyone here has had their own share of troubles with themselves.

If you are judging yourself, that also happens but is not necessary, really. The reality is there are a lot of people who start recovery with "exemplary" ways of thinking, behaviour etc and then do other things. And then we act outside our "standards" and are sometimes afraid to bring it to the support table because we are judging ourselves. When I started Al-Anon some years ago, I was so good in my recovery, soo good that I even didn't understand why I was there, ha ha I was the dutiful pinnacle of recovery  Then I screwed up big time and was embarrassed to share it - as I had to be the pinnacle of recovery, obviously. Interestingly, when I first went to an AA meeting with someone who mattered so much to me, I started crying immediately. I just couldn't stop it (and it was embarrassingly loud) and I felt like I was sabotaging this meeting with my tears and things coming out of my nose:)) He was very calm, didn't say a word. I felt so bad because of my behaviour - it felt patronizing, too.  Someone sensed it and said, ":)on't worry, he doesn't know there is so much to cry about, yet."

Feelings and behaviours associated with them hit us in different places, we try, we fall, we bounce back. That's why recovery is, learning to do that. Nowadays, I measure my recovery not with how much I slip but with how quickly I bounce back - and whether I employ healthy thought patterns and actions rather than my habitual quick-fixes.

Here, with your posts, you are an inspiration to many people who experience things the way you experience them. What would happen if this board was only full of people who just took decisions and employed them with no problems and just wrote "Oh, I feel so fine, today. Zeeeero trouble, nada, zilch!" Someone who isn't experiencing things that way would be afraid of posting I suppose. You are an inspiration to many people because you are exemplifying how we can ask for help in life (many of us don't know this), how we can fall back but can pick our pieces, move on and never give up on healing. (And maybe in return, you learn that you don't have to be anything, anything other than yourself to find understanding and support. I have a feeling that deep down, many of us think we have to be something, something better than ourselves to get that. Once we change that we are ready for a better life anyway.) So, please, please keep posting no matter where you are in your healing. I personally learn so much from your enthusiastic and genuine efforts to do positive things outside this relationship.

Just out of curiosity, are you a good dancer yourself? I'm terrible and I envy my ex's dancing ability. That's something I always wanted for myself. I know that if I could dance well myself, this wouldn't be so important for me (maybe like a shadow trait?).  

Looking forward to reading the details of this beautiful life you have in your mind and we are here for everything else, too     

[Anez]

Back up the good memories with the bad ones, KC. She looked good in her video backed up with She hurt you badly. She's unable to ever give you what you deserve but somebody else will be able to and it will be glorious.

Don't beat yourself up. Look at all the good you're doing for yourself lately. Celebrate that.

Time and space. It will get better.

[troisette]

"If you were in a relationship with her, you would have a partner who can dance beautifully, who is gorgeous and who has a powerful emotional effect on you - for now. But you would probably be deprived of many beautiful things that your ex cannot provide - emotional safety being one."

thisworld is right KC, I enjoyed those things too - fun times, but I didn't feel emotionally safe, I didn't trust him with my emotional well being. You bring so much to these boards - thank you.

Sounds to me as if watching the vid was like an ex smoker smelling a newly lit cigarette - the sudden memory and longing for the first drag. Try to remember the equivalent of the ground out stub in a smelly ashtray  

Short term fulfillment leads to addiction. Not good.

Hope you are feeling better by the time you read this.   across the oceans.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you guys so much for your support and companionship and wisdom-- they totally are helping me through this rough spot. She's been calling today and texted about how fun the thing was-- I've responded in a supportive but not too engaging way. Fake it til you make it! My goal today: not torture myself by rewatching the video!

And totally, this world-- I'm not a good dancer at all (though I enjoy it and love watching other people dance!) In fact, when we first met, I took a dance class with her, so this is also part of how I fell in love with her. What does shadow self mean? Something that you wished you were? There are other things about her like that too: her directness, her sexual confidence, something like a fearlessness (I guess those are wrapped up in being a good dancer too!) But even with all those things, I'd of course rather be me!

"Just out of curiosity, are you a good dancer yourself? I'm terrible and I envy my ex's dancing ability. That's something I always wanted for myself. I know that if I could dance well myself, this wouldn't be so important for me (maybe like a shadow trait?)." 

[La Carotte]

kc, I completely agree with thisworld:

Here, with your posts, you are an inspiration to many people who experience things the way you experience them. What would happen if this board was only full of people who just took decisions and employed them with no problems and just wrote "Oh, I feel so fine, today. Zeeeero trouble, nada, zilch!" Someone who isn't experiencing things that way would be afraid of posting I suppose. You are an inspiration to many people because you are exemplifying how we can ask for help in life (many of us don't know this), how we can fall back but can pick our pieces, move on and never give up on healing.

You so often say what I'm thinking but often just dont have the energy or inclination to post about... .and I find it very reassuring to know that I'm not alone in my terrible NC record... .Have just done NC day 1 for probably the fiftieth time in two years, maybe more, who knows, I stopped counting when I started really really hating myself, and certainly ages after I'd stopped admitting to people in the real world that I'd failed again.

But today is NC1, and tomorrow is NC2, and each time the gaps get a little longer (well sometimes) and the chances of me initiating the contact get less (mainly) and my determination to not go back to the way things were, and my belief that things will never change definitely gets stronger... .BUt I hate it, I wish it could be any other way, I love her and I miss her - and find myself astonished that this can be so,given how much and how often she's hurt me. And yet it is so.

Keep on keeping on, kc, we'll get there, apparently!

[thisworld]

Yes. Eeks once started this very interesting thread about how these relationships may move us toward wholeness. Shadow traits, how we judge certain things we repress in our selves negatively etc were mentioned. There, it was said "Also important to remember that admiration of a positive trait in another could represent a "lost" positive trait in yourself" which I associated with my ex's dancing, his comfort with his bodily moves etc. I've been thinking about it ever since.

Your post reminded me of that thread.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288681.0

And hey, she dances well and you ROCK!

Stay strong

[kc sunshine]

Ooh I'll have to check that out! Hurting today but making it through.

[khibomsis]

KC my first long term relationship she dumped me every three to four months. For 16 years. Or should I say I kept on going back for more. Because I had to change. So no competition here or it would get embarrassing. My current spouse not the world's greatest dancer but I love to dance with her. She maybe is handsome only to me. She likes country and western music (no offence but aaargh on my part). She has never ever threatened abandonment no matter how rough the waters. I'll listen to KD Lang all day long for this woman. Hang in there, there's a lid for every pot. When you ready to stop admiring dem nice shiny pressurecookers she'll be waiting

[kc sunshine]

Thanks Khibomsis for making me smile . What made you finally not go back?

KC my first long term relationship she dumped me every three to four months. For 16 years. Or should I say I kept on going back for more. Because I had to change. So no competition here or it would get embarrassing. My current spouse not the world's greatest dancer but I love to dance with her. She maybe is handsome only to me. She likes country and western music (no offence but aaargh on my part). She has never ever threatened abandonment no matter how rough the waters. I'll listen to KD Lang all day long for this woman. Hang in there, there's a lid for every pot. When you ready to stop admiring dem nice shiny pressurecookers she'll be waiting

[khibomsis]

Aha, KC. Wanted to wrap my car around a tree. Suicidal depression can be good. I found out after 16 years of supporting her she wasn't that interested in keeping me on the road. In fact she was quite offended I needed to focus inward for a while and couldn't be her co-dependent any more. But that wasn't the worst. The worst was that the one after that was alcoholic and after that the high functioning BPD. So I really think you have nothing to be ashamed of.

School of hard knocks has the most expensive tuition fees but here the lesson : some girls you date. Some are marriage material. We don't always have the wisdom to know the difference  How you?Are you managing to stay away from that video?

[La Carotte]

Aha, KC. Wanted to wrap my car around a tree. Suicidal depression can be good. I found out after 16 years of supporting her she wasn't that interested in keeping me on the road. In fact she was quite offended I needed to focus inward for a while and couldn't be her co-dependent any more. But that wasn't the worst. The worst was that the one after that was alcoholic and after that the high functioning BPD. So I really think you have nothing to be ashamed of.

School of hard knocks has the most expensive tuition fees but here the lesson : some girls you date. Some are marriage material. We don't always have the wisdom to know the difference  How you?Are you managing to stay away from that video?

Hey, KC, maybe we don't need to feel so terrible? We're clearly not alone... .

You both give me hope, and smiles, in your different ways, thanks both

 

[Fr4nz]

Yes. Eeks once started this very interesting thread about how these relationships may move us toward wholeness. Shadow traits, how we judge certain things we repress in our selves negatively etc were mentioned. There, it was said "Also important to remember that admiration of a positive trait in another could represent a "lost" positive trait in yourself" which I associated with my ex's dancing, his comfort with his bodily moves etc. I've been thinking about it ever since.

Your post reminded me of that thread.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288681.0

And hey, she dances well and you ROCK!

Stay strong

I can relate to this. This is probably one of the gift that these relationships bring us, once we heal.

[Fr4nz]

Yes. Eeks once started this very interesting thread about how these relationships may move us toward wholeness. Shadow traits, how we judge certain things we repress in our selves negatively etc were mentioned. There, it was said "Also important to remember that admiration of a positive trait in another could represent a "lost" positive trait in yourself" which I associated with my ex's dancing, his comfort with his bodily moves etc. I've been thinking about it ever since.

I can relate to this. This is probably one of the gift that these relationships bring us, once we heal and learn from the experience.