I think my mom inadvertently killed my dad?

[heartofglass]

My otherwise healthy dad (mid-60s) died without any warning (cardiac arrest) a few weeks ago. It happened incredibly quickly and they couldn't save him.

I hate to say this, but my very first reaction to hearing the terrible news was "he's finally free." I can't help but secretly blame my BPD mom for this, even though right now she is getting a tremendous outpouring of sympathy for losing her "best friend". I feel sorry for her too of course.

But my sister and DH know that my poor dad had faced relentless daily verbal (sometimes physical) abuse for years, and it was getting worse and worse as they got older. Divorce-level fights every single morning, with her screaming things like "you c*cksucker!" Things you wouldn't normally hear from a grandma's mouth. She blamed him for every little thing. He was the source of her unhappiness. He was "ruining her life". Every day she worked on him as if to destroy him. (Yet he did just about everything for her. Nothing was EVER good enough, despite the worry-free life he gave her.) It was relentless and cruel. A disturbingly sharp contrast to the sweet, overly concerned grandma to my children. 

To an outsider they seemed a perfectly nice older couple who had been married for decades, and it was even easy for me to brush off how bad it really was sometimes. But the week before he died, I think my poor dad was at the end of his rope. Normally a stoic, he was actually reaching out to me, confessing he was looking into finding his own place. We had some highly confidential email exchanges and I told him how much his abuse upsets me and I encouraged him to walk free and finally live for himself, and he appreciated my lovingness and loyalty. He died just days later.

So while my mom, the new widow, gets countless flowers and cards and food, I know this horrible secret about their deeply toxic relationship and it just kills me. How do I deal with this? This will bother me for the rest of my life. 

[nowitmakessense]

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad that you were there for your Dad, at the very least you can be at peace knowing that you did all that you could to support him and let him know that he was loved.   

[Kwamina]

Hi heartofglass

I am very sorry for your loss. Being verbally abused isn't pleasant at all and can really cause someone a lot of stress. It is sad that your father was dealing with this abuse. It clearly was affecting him very much, especially the week before his passing when he reached out to you. Losing your dad isn't easy and knowing how your mother treated him only makes it harder. I am glad that you at least were able to comfort him in those  last days so he didn't have to go through it all alone. It meant a lot to him based on what he told you about appreciating your lovingness and loyalty. You being there for him really might have made a significant difference for him in those last few days. Your love and kindness were a gift that I think might have eased some of his pain.

I wish you peace and strength as you mourn the loss of your father

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, heartofglass,

I'm really sorry to hear this.  My husband's mom is a very volatile uBPD, also verbally/emotionally harassed her husband during their entire marriage, which could be described much the same way you described your parents'. Her behavior escalated a lot when her son and I got engaged, and his dad had an unexpected heart failure and died the week before our wedding. I have thought many of the same things you're saying about those circumstances - that the stress she placed on him exacerbated whatever physical condition he may have had.

Ironically, when my mil went to a mental facility a few weeks after our wedding because of suicidal planning, she ended up accusing my husband (in front of a social worker) of killing his own father with the stress of marrying a woman he didn't approve of and abandoning his parents. I don't think she realized what a clear case of projection she was exhibiting.

I say all this just to explain that I really, really get it, and I am so very sorry. Dealing with the grief-posturing of a widow who mistreated her husband while he was alive is AWFUL. I remember nearly biting clear through my lip to keep quiet some of the time at the self-serving stories and outright lies she was telling.

I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. You just lost your dad. You are allowed to take care of yourself, especially since your mother is incapable of caring for you in any healthy way.

And, when the time comes (later - this is not a right-away thing), you might try sorting through the actual, real blame that she bears, and the things that are just conjecture on your part. For example, she bears actual blame for abusing your father. That is a fact. Working to get past that for your own peace is difficult, but it is possible. However, it is probably impossible to prove that she is literally to blame for your father's death. It may have been his time even if he'd been married to the most loving and caring woman in existence. When you are able to remove blame for things you cannot know, you might find, as I have, that it lessens the burden on you for the things you have to work through for your own peace.

... .but that is for later. For now, grieve, and don't feel you need to make a list of things you have to do or think or be.

[Woolspinner2000]

Heartofglass,

Thank you for sharing your heartache and pain with us. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, and in such a sudden manner too. Such a loss is shocking, especially to the family. Please do be sure to allow yourself time to grieve and take care of you. I am currently in a Grief Share group which is helping me to walk through the grief of losing my own dad a few months ago.

I dealt with something similar when my uBPDm passed away a few years ago.

So while my mom, the new widow, gets countless flowers and cards and food, I know this horrible secret about their deeply toxic relationship and it just kills me. How do I deal with this? This will bother me for the rest of my life. 

My uBPD mom's friends who loved her dearly and were grieving often said to me, "Your mom was the best person I ever knew." And there I stood, wondering what was wrong with me that I didn't see her that way? It was a great struggle, perhaps similar to yours, because I knew the toxicity, rage, and hatred that my dad, siblings and I had endured for years, yet everyone thought she was so great. It is a classic BPD symptom to hide who they really are when they're around others beyond the family. I'm very sorry that you have to struggle with this aspect on top of the sadness of losing your dad.

I'm so glad that you have the memory of sharing loving kindness and loyalty with your dad even in his last days! Hold that treasure close and keep it in your heart as a great joy to pull out and remember whenever you need it. 


Wools

[heartofglass]

This forum is amazing. Thank you so much for your understanding and support. 

[Turkish]

Like what Wools said, you demonstrated love, loyalty and support to your dad. Though you're angry and sad knowing how it really was behind closed doors, you were, and are, an awesome child. 

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your father. My father died a while back. It was very difficult. I was a mess of grief for a while. This is normal. I also felt as if I lost the only parent I had. I am in contact with BPD mother but she has not been a mother to me in the classical sense.

Like you, I saw my father as her victim. However, I have come to understand that his role in his relationship with her was very much due to his choices. He had a long illness at the end of his life, and their issues were a source of stress. I understand the sentiment of your statement. I wanted my parents in a situation where his needs would be supported- some sort of assisted living, or home health, but they adamantly refused, painted home health workers black. A source of conflict between me and my parents was that I spilled the beans about mom to his health care team, and my family rule was that we were not allowed to say anything bad about her. My parents got angry at this. They didn't want outsiders in their lives.

Like your father, he would rarely, on occasion, speak of wanting to leave my mother, but then, if I followed up on this to try to help him, he would forget this and bond to her. One thing that will help you is to understand the drama triangle. I would jump in to "rescue" him, but this would involve discussing mom. His strong impulse to protect her would result in him being angry at me.

I thought my father was a victim. Then, I understood that he was strongly bonded to my mother by his own choice. That, even though they had drama between them, this bond was strong. This is what he wanted, and I had to accept that. This is what your father chose too, and while his relationship with your mother may not be understandable to you, it was his choice to be with her.

The grief can feel overwhelming. Like you, I watched people rally around my mom. She had painted me black to her FOO. I didn't hear anything from them, not a card, or a phone call. I can also tell you that it will get better for you- you will always miss him, it returns at times. I still cry over missing my Dad, but not all the time like I did. It is OK to grieve and also to get professional help for support over it- especially if your family is not supportive. It is OK to ask for help.

[HeidiLou]

These stories are heartbreaking and I'm so sorry to those who have lost their fathers in this way.  I worry too for my own Dad.  My mother had bullied and nagged him for 50 yrs.  He is a nervous wreck and too weak to fight.  She has broken him into bite sized chunks and destroyed his entire character.  He is unwell with many ailments and at nearly 80 he will never leave, despite having told me he'd wanted to leave her 100 times. 

He should have left; staying and enabling her behavior subjected us both to decades of terrible abuse that has ruined both of our lives.  This woman is toxic and ungrateful, but like others had it fairly easy, working very little and never having to worry about money.  He told a friend of mine once that if she died he would make sure I was ok, but he didn't know what would happen to me if he went first.  I'm not sure why he expected my friend not to tell me this and it was inappropriate, but the most important thing I learned was that there was no doubt that he is aware of the nightmare home life we had / have.

He cannot possible be happy and a lot of his health conditions (which worsened significantly after retirement) are closely linked with stress.  Humans cannot withstand chronic enduring stress, we're not designed to be in 'fight or flight' mode indefinitely and I do believe that his home environment is a contributory factor to his current health.

I'll never understand why he stayed, it is beyond comprehension.  In many ways it breaks my heart to think of the life he could have had.  He's a good man but leaving her wouldn't have made him a bad person.  It helped none of us that he stayed and I wish he could have seen his own needs were also important.