BPD partner

[mimixxs]

Hi,

this is the first time I am talking to an audience about this. a bit daunting. my partner has BPD. we have 2 young children.

i have "had his back" for 10 years and am still waiting for the moment where he will ask me how he can help me. or set the table. or get a phone. or open the mail. he works and he is the sole breadwinner.

we live in one big repetative circle. we have the same conversation over and over again. nothing ever changes. every list, schedule etc we make gets challenged by him instantly. even such an easy thing as "he cooks on the weekend". There always seems to be something and I find it impossible to collect my own thoughts, get a job and become more independent. I try to protect my children. he can be a wonderful loving father when he wants to for 1 hour at a time. he says he doesnt know how to make pancakes. i have been emotionaly alone for so long. i am starting to become depressed. i have had panic attacks. i talk to my close friends and family openly. this enrages him. My father was depressed and I think now he is possibly a BPD.

[ForeverDad]

Good that you don't let him silence you.  Isolation by an acting-out disordered partner is a real risk that would let a controller make even more demands.

After all these years you know he won't change for the better, at least not by your input.  Would he go to therapy?  If not, you could try to start with joint counseling (with an experienced professional) and see where that goes.  Just be sure not to let it become a Blamefest or him conning the therapist, nothing productive comes of that.

If he refuses any counseling then you can still get individual counseling for yourself.  Counseling is good!  Good for the kids too!  At the least you can share the family environment with the school counselors and they may be able to monitor the kids' needs while at school.

It is best to report and address the behaviors, often it is hard to get the professionals, evaluators or even court to state a diagnosis, so focus on the problem behaviors.  My ex clearly has Borderline, Paranoid and perhaps too Narcissistic traits but in over a decade I've never heard or read of any of those 'labels' in any evaluation reports or court documents.  So our mantra here is, stick with the behaviors and behavior patterns, those work and you may not get much more anyway.