No idea how to deal with family member(s) who exhibit BPD (and other) traits

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm partly seeking help, partly venting to others who may understand.  I find it ironic that I'm going to have to talk about myself a lot in this post, given the topic, but it's the only way I know how to frame it.  Also, I do realize that nobody (other than myself) has been diagnosed with anything so all of this has to be taken with a grain of salt until otherwise.

I come from a very small family.  My dad died when I was in junior high and have had almost no contact with extended family growing up (mostly due to there not being many aunts, cousins, etc in the first place, but other reasons as well.)  My oldest sister moved out and married when I was nine.  I had little interaction with her before, and almost none after.  I was raised by my mom and middle sister, who were both very loving, attentive and kind despite a conga-line of traumatic situations my family went through when I was a kid.  Somehow, the relationship with my middle sister (we'll call her Zoey for sake of ease) grew slowly contentious as I grew into a teen.  The change was so small I barely noticed it.  By the time I was in college, I was confused why almost every interaction with her ended in a screaming match.  The stress of a visit grew to the point I would get physically ill on days I knew I was going to visit.   

Despite coming from a family made up entirely of extroverts, I'm in the deep end of the introversion spectrum.  For some reason, I'm (unhealthily) introspective and meta-cognitive, to the point that it's probably hurt me socially.  However, I came to realize that the problem with my sister may have been with me.  I have a naturally provocative sense of humor.  I enjoy "poking the bear", saying some over-the-top, hyperbolic snark, hoping that people understood the humor I was going for.  They rarely did.   Thus I was able to see how other people, even family members, may get upset at my sarcasm.   With my sister, it sparked a quick vicious cycle with a predictable course of events.  I'd respond to a question with a sarcastic bon mot.  She'd start screaming at me.  Confused, I'd scream back.  Screaming continues.  The next day I'd call and apologize.

I recognized the cycle!  I knew how to fix it!  All I had to do was talk to my sister, and explain that I understood that my crappy sense of humor wasn't for everyone, and I'd promised that I would keep it under control, as long as she gave me the benefit of the doubt and let some things pass if I slipped up and fell back on bad habits.   The next time I saw her, I told her i recognized why we have such a tumultuous relationship and gave my proposal.  Rather than replying with something along the lines that she was willing to work with me to patch things up, she instead starting berating me for saying she had a poor sense of humor.  I was in my early 20s and at that point decided the only way to keep a relationship with her was to avoid visiting with her at all costs. 

My inclination toward introspection lead me to a layman's interest in psychology.  In short, I somehow stumbled on reading about BPD, narcissistic personality disorder, etc.  My sister's never been diagnosed, but for the first time, everything made sense.  Going through the checklists, she hits everything except for self-damaging activities.  The biggies are:

• Fear of abandonment:  You are either with her or against her.  Disagreeing with her is tantamount to betrayal.  She has dropped MANY friends for disagreeing with her politics, or some action she took.  She sites a frequent need for more people who will "be there for her" and those that aren't are never forgiven nor forgotten.  However, this loyalty is the only reason we still have a relationship at all.  Being that we are siblings, she does not want to lose me.



• Difficulty controlling emotional responses.  Any disagreement can set her off like a nuclear bomb.  She will have very loud screaming matches in public with anyone who has wronged her, whether a significant other or store clerk.



• Unstable relationships:  There's always a fight or a feud, especially with someone she was once close friends with.



• EXTREMELY poor self-esteem.  She needs constant validation and re-assurance to avoid melting down.  When her two year old son once said she looked like a monster (she was actually dressed up quite nice for an event), she broke down sobbing and couldn't continue.  Her kids have learned the best way to get what they want is to constantly praise her and/or putting down her current enemies.

The problem is, to keep the constant stream of validation, she only includes people in her life who constantly feed her compliments.  Her political views have grown extreme, as has her paranoia.  She strongly insists that she loves who she is and does not want or need to change (this comes up during her frequent fights with her increasingly battered husband.)  She's convinced she's constantly under siege from enemies and any disagreement whatsoever means you side with them.  I also know, from a few careful conversation, that she is not introspective at all and doesn't understand the point.

Compounding things, around the same time Zoey started presenting BPD symptoms, my mom's mental health started to deteriorate as well.  She was an amazing, strong woman but after a lifetime of stress (abusive parents, family betrayal), she ended up a shell of herself, constantly terrified that she is one slip away from living on the streets (when in fact Zoey provides her with a comfortable life style.)  Like my sister, she is very paranoid and is starting to believe in grand conspiracy theories.  She can also be unstable in temper.  When I had first met my then-to-be wife, my mom asked me to stop by her place and bring in her mail, which I did.  When she called an hour later to ask if I got her mail, I told her it was in the back of my car.  That started an hour long screaming fit in front of my very shocked girlfriend.  My mom was convinced I was going to lose her mail, which would lead to some sort of unspecified disaster.  Zoey backed her up, rather than letting her know that maybe she was over-reacting.   Fortunately, explosions are relatively rare.  Unlike Zoey, I can disagree with my mom about most things, as long as I do it privately.  However, in any conflict, she will always back up Zoey and Zoey will always back up my mom. 

Basically, my mom became the perfect enabler for Zoey's BPD.  She is over at her house 6 to 7 days a week, from breakfast to dinner.  She will never disagree with Zoey about anything.  If someone upsets one, the other will back her up 100%, growing into an ugly consensus-cycle.  A perceived insult to one is an insult to the other, and they never let each other forget the slights.  The ultimate irony is that Zoey and my mom are convinced that my brother-in-law's parents are sabotaging the marriage and have forbidden my bro-in-law (or their kids) from ever seeing his family.  The fact that my mom being there every day might be causing a problem is inconceivable.

So it comes down to this:  Everyone in my immediate family has some pretty serious mental issues.  I am in treatment for some serious depression and ADHD.  I also had a major concussion as a child (which gives me some lee-way when dealing with my family as they blame the concussion for any personality trait they disagree with)   I also can't stand conflict and have much less energy than my other family members.  As much as I'd like to, I can't run away from the problems... .did I mention that I help run a business with my sister and brother-in-law?      Luckily my sister works from home and I have my own office. 

I have to make a decision soon whether to go down to my other sister's niece's wedding.  I will catch hell for not going, but I'm pretty sure that going will do even more damage.  Despite knowing that they need help, I can't help but lose my temper when they start insulting others who don't agree with them or berating a hostess at a restaurant for sitting another party instead of them.  The wedding will be a giant enable-fest with me (and my wife) on the outside, and things may be said in the heat of the moment that can't be taken back.  Compounding that is the fact that everyone else is very high energy and loud, which exhausts me after a few hours, let alone 4 days.

Finally, there's the realization that other than my wife, I'm pretty alone.  We are not having kids, and I don't really have any friends and can't be around my family.  I know changes have to be made to avoid the possibility of a very lonely old-age.

So, I feel trapped.  My passive, conflict-avoiding nature makes me run in terror from my very energetic, battling family. (On the other hand, I have a great relationship with my very calm and chill in-laws.)  Even knowing what to do doesn't help if I can't bring myself to do it... .  I realize I'm not alone in this, but my depression and natural shyness makes it hard to seek others.

[pooter03]

I'm partly seeking help, partly venting to others who may understand.  I find it ironic that I'm going to have to talk about myself a lot in this post, given the topic, but it's the only way I know how to frame it.  Also, I do realize that nobody (other than myself) has been diagnosed with anything so all of this has to be taken with a grain of salt until otherwise.

I come from a very small family.  My dad died when I was in junior high and have had almost no contact with extended family growing up (mostly due to there not being many aunts, cousins, etc in the first place, but other reasons as well.)  My oldest sister moved out and married when I was nine.  I had little interaction with her before, and almost none after.  I was raised by my mom and middle sister, who were both very loving, attentive and kind despite a conga-line of traumatic situations my family went through when I was a kid.  Somehow, the relationship with my middle sister (we'll call her Zoey for sake of ease) grew slowly contentious as I grew into a teen.  The change was so small I barely noticed it.  By the time I was in college, I was confused why almost every interaction with her ended in a screaming match.  The stress of a visit grew to the point I would get physically ill on days I knew I was going to visit.   

Despite coming from a family made up entirely of extroverts, I'm in the deep end of the introversion spectrum.  For some reason, I'm (unhealthily) introspective and meta-cognitive, to the point that it's probably hurt me socially.  However, I came to realize that the problem with my sister may have been with me.  I have a naturally provocative sense of humor.  I enjoy "poking the bear", saying some over-the-top, hyperbolic snark, hoping that people understood the humor I was going for.  They rarely did.   Thus I was able to see how other people, even family members, may get upset at my sarcasm.   With my sister, it sparked a quick vicious cycle with a predictable course of events.  I'd respond to a question with a sarcastic bon mot.  She'd start screaming at me.  Confused, I'd scream back.  Screaming continues.  The next day I'd call and apologize.

I recognized the cycle!  I knew how to fix it!  All I had to do was talk to my sister, and explain that I understood that my crappy sense of humor wasn't for everyone, and I'd promised that I would keep it under control, as long as she gave me the benefit of the doubt and let some things pass if I slipped up and fell back on bad habits.   The next time I saw her, I told her i recognized why we have such a tumultuous relationship and gave my proposal.  Rather than replying with something along the lines that she was willing to work with me to patch things up, she instead starting berating me for saying she had a poor sense of humor.  I was in my early 20s and at that point decided the only way to keep a relationship with her was to avoid visiting with her at all costs. 

My inclination toward introspection lead me to a layman's interest in psychology.  In short, I somehow stumbled on reading about BPD, narcissistic personality disorder, etc.  My sister's never been diagnosed, but for the first time, everything made sense.  Going through the checklists, she hits everything except for self-damaging activities.  The biggies are:

• Fear of abandonment:  You are either with her or against her.  Disagreeing with her is tantamount to betrayal.  She has dropped MANY friends for disagreeing with her politics, or some action she took.  She sites a frequent need for more people who will "be there for her" and those that aren't are never forgiven nor forgotten.  However, this loyalty is the only reason we still have a relationship at all.  Being that we are siblings, she does not want to lose me.



• Difficulty controlling emotional responses.  Any disagreement can set her off like a nuclear bomb.  She will have very loud screaming matches in public with anyone who has wronged her, whether a significant other or store clerk.



• Unstable relationships:  There's always a fight or a feud, especially with someone she was once close friends with.



• EXTREMELY poor self-esteem.  She needs constant validation and re-assurance to avoid melting down.  When her two year old son once said she looked like a monster (she was actually dressed up quite nice for an event), she broke down sobbing and couldn't continue.  Her kids have learned the best way to get what they want is to constantly praise her and/or putting down her current enemies.

The problem is, to keep the constant stream of validation, she only includes people in her life who constantly feed her compliments.  Her political views have grown extreme, as has her paranoia.  She strongly insists that she loves who she is and does not want or need to change (this comes up during her frequent fights with her increasingly battered husband.)  She's convinced she's constantly under siege from enemies and any disagreement whatsoever means you side with them.  I also know, from a few careful conversation, that she is not introspective at all and doesn't understand the point.

Compounding things, around the same time Zoey started presenting BPD symptoms, my mom's mental health started to deteriorate as well.  She was an amazing, strong woman but after a lifetime of stress (abusive parents, family betrayal), she ended up a shell of herself, constantly terrified that she is one slip away from living on the streets (when in fact Zoey provides her with a comfortable life style.)  Like my sister, she is very paranoid and is starting to believe in grand conspiracy theories.  She can also be unstable in temper.  When I had first met my then-to-be wife, my mom asked me to stop by her place and bring in her mail, which I did.  When she called an hour later to ask if I got her mail, I told her it was in the back of my car.  That started an hour long screaming fit in front of my very shocked girlfriend.  My mom was convinced I was going to lose her mail, which would lead to some sort of unspecified disaster.  Zoey backed her up, rather than letting her know that maybe she was over-reacting.   Fortunately, explosions are relatively rare.  Unlike Zoey, I can disagree with my mom about most things, as long as I do it privately.  However, in any conflict, she will always back up Zoey and Zoey will always back up my mom. 

Basically, my mom became the perfect enabler for Zoey's BPD.  She is over at her house 6 to 7 days a week, from breakfast to dinner.  She will never disagree with Zoey about anything.  If someone upsets one, the other will back her up 100%, growing into an ugly consensus-cycle.  A perceived insult to one is an insult to the other, and they never let each other forget the slights.  The ultimate irony is that Zoey and my mom are convinced that my brother-in-law's parents are sabotaging the marriage and have forbidden my bro-in-law (or their kids) from ever seeing his family.  The fact that my mom being there every day might be causing a problem is inconceivable.

So it comes down to this:  Everyone in my immediate family has some pretty serious mental issues.  I am in treatment for some serious depression and ADHD.  I also had a major concussion as a child (which gives me some lee-way when dealing with my family as they blame the concussion for any personality trait they disagree with)   I also can't stand conflict and have much less energy than my other family members.  As much as I'd like to, I can't run away from the problems... .did I mention that I help run a business with my sister and brother-in-law?      Luckily my sister works from home and I have my own office. 

I have to make a decision soon whether to go down to my other sister's niece's wedding.  I will catch hell for not going, but I'm pretty sure that going will do even more damage.  Despite knowing that they need help, I can't help but lose my temper when they start insulting others who don't agree with them or berating a hostess at a restaurant for sitting another party instead of them.  The wedding will be a giant enable-fest with me (and my wife) on the outside, and things may be said in the heat of the moment that can't be taken back.  Compounding that is the fact that everyone else is very high energy and loud, which exhausts me after a few hours, let alone 4 days.

Finally, there's the realization that other than my wife, I'm pretty alone.  We are not having kids, and I don't really have any friends and can't be around my family.  I know changes have to be made to avoid the possibility of a very lonely old-age.

So, I feel trapped.  My passive, conflict-avoiding nature makes me run in terror from my very energetic, battling family. (On the other hand, I have a great relationship with my very calm and chill in-laws.)  Even knowing what to do doesn't help if I can't bring myself to do it... .  I realize I'm not alone in this, but my depression and natural shyness makes it hard to seek others.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, pooter03, and welcome!

Thank you for telling us about your background and ongoing situation. Being an introvert in a family of personality-disordered extroverts is hard - I am the only introvert from my immediate family, too, and my mom was uBPD.

You actually sound a lot like my husband, who is wonderful  and who is also more introverted than me and from a very disordered nuclear family with few extended relatives (and most of them are disordered, too.) We mostly avoid his family entirely, other than one sister and one cousin. We've had to go completely no-contact with his wildly abusive uBPDmom. But anyway, the being very introspective and intelligent combination, with any level of shyness and/or depression, really does make it difficult to make friends. I came into our marriage with some really good college and church friends - the kind that will be my friends for life even if we live far away from them - but my husband has great difficulty making friends besides me (which may have to do with the fact that he was in college as a young teen and therefore never really had peers in the usual sense.)

One thing that he is working on, and I am too, is befriending people in two categories - those whom we meet via niche interests (for example, folk singing or dance gatherings, hiking, online gaming [we started meeting up with some of his decades-long online friends in person at a pub for board games], church), and those who are our actual physical neighbors. That second category was a major flop at our first home together - it was in an apartment complex and two years of trying to meet and befriend the neighbors got us nowhere at all (not even when we sent our building individual invitations to come by for homemade Christmas cookies.) That experience was part of what encouraged us to relocate to a more historic small-town area. It's not that everyone in our new neighborhood knows each other, but at least they are willing to say hello and learn our names. In only half a year here we were able to get a couple of them to come by for a bonfire evening and a casual dinner. Now, they're older folks, which doesn't help us much for preventing lonely old age =) but on the other hand, we get to be part of de-lonely-fying THEIR approaching old age, and that is significant to us. And it's giving us good practice in being neighborly, so we're hoping to branch out and meet some younger folks in the area (especially as the weather gets nicer.) I'm considering becoming a read-aloud volunteer at the local library. It always helps with our kind of introversion to have a specific event or task associated with hanging out with people - it's a lot easier than just trying to have coffee or lunch or whatever.

I'm glad you have good in-laws! Wishing you the best with making a decision about the wedding. Though it sounds like you've already mostly made the decision to not attend. What's your wife's take on it?

[pooter03]

Thanks.   I'm lucky, in a way, in that they didn't present traits until I was on the verge of moving out anyway.  However, they are still the single biggest cause of stress and anxiety in my life, by far.  Fortunately, I have a pretty wonderful and understanding wife, who acts as a buffer.   By some sort of miracle, my family LOVES my wife, despite being a polar opposite of them politically.  This is a big deal* as they refuse to have anything to do with anyone who doesn't share their beliefs.  Thus they are on their best behavior whenever she's around for fear of accidentally offending her (she doesn't offend easily, but I sense some projection on their part.)  Thus, my wife is proposing (no pun intended) she goes to the wedding without me.

I have a legitimate excuse for not going (if my sister, brother-in-law and myself all went to the wedding, there'd be no one left to look after the business), but she wants to go in order to make a show of loyalty.  I don't think I can let her do that as the guilt would be a bit too much.  I can't shove my wife into the craziness that is my family, even if she is fully aware of what she is getting into.    I suspect that me not going will be a pretty huge deal no matter what (loyalty trumps running a business) but hopefully I'll keep my cool and deal with the fallout. 

Since I've posted this, I have a couple of actual questions regarding my situation.

1.  As stated, I strongly suspect that my sister has a cluster B personality disorder based on her behavior.  However, I'm obviously not a psychologist and could very well be wrong.  If I'm right, is there any way to convince someone they need help?  I know she frequently states how much she loves who she is now, and believes everyone is is crazy.  Suggesting otherwise would be a serious attack.  Alongside that, do I have any right to even try to suggest she seeks help?  Our relationship will eventually be un-fixable if things remain status quo, but I'm not sure what the ethics are of me armchair diagnosing someone else.

2.  Regarding myself, I'm seeing a psychiatrist for medication but can't find the time to see an actual psychologist/therapist.  The nature of my business means that I have no predictable hours to go and see someone regularly.  It isn't uncommon for me to miss personal appointments (social, medical, etc) due to some work emergency coming up.  I've been paralyzed with indecision, but not sure what to do.  I've been toying with the idea of finding a psychologist who uses Skype/Facetime, but am not sure if that's a good solution for therapy.

Thanks for your tips on meeting people!  I have a lot of knots to untie before I can get to the point of trying to make friends again.  I've caught myself driving around the block an extra time so that I didn't have to make small talk with neighbors getting home at the same time as me.   However, I suppose that's a topic for another website.

*My sister, within minutes of meeting a previous girlfriend for the first time, spent 30 minutes grilling her about her feelings toward Israel before I managed to break it off.  After I confronted her about it the next morning, she was oblivious to the idea that she did anything wrong.  It was the first time I really started realizing something was off.

[claudiaduffy]

Thanks for your tips on meeting people!  I have a lot of knots to untie before I can get to the point of trying to make friends again.  I've caught myself driving around the block an extra time so that I didn't have to make small talk with neighbors getting home at the same time as me.   However, I suppose that's a topic for another website.

I only have a second so can't respond to your full post, but just wanted to let you know that I totally do this, too. Not all the time, but some of the time. Getting to where I don't feel guilty about that (but also am able to follow up on the thought "I could say hello to that person today" on the days when that feels good) is one of my goals for this year.

[pooter03]

Thanks for your tips on meeting people!  I have a lot of knots to untie before I can get to the point of trying to make friends again.  I've caught myself driving around the block an extra time so that I didn't have to make small talk with neighbors getting home at the same time as me.   However, I suppose that's a topic for another website.

I only have a second so can't respond to your full post, but just wanted to let you know that I totally do this, too. Not all the time, but some of the time. Getting to where I don't feel guilty about that (but also am able to follow up on the thought "I could say hello to that person today" on the days when that feels good) is one of my goals for this year.

Yup.  The funny thing is I work with customers all day, including training groups of people.  It's one of those classic things where I'd much rather give a speech to 500 people than be in at a dinner party with 50.