Triangulation?

[lala42]

I read somewhere that BPDs do the triangulation thing. I´m not sure if I understand it correctly, but as I understood, it´s that they are afraid of intimacy and because of that they place another person or object "between" you two? Is that correct?

There is one thing that I noticed about my ex, that I think is odd and I think it might be the triangulation.

For example, he never wanted to go to any bar or restaurant if there didn´t work his friends (as bartenders, owners, waiters, etc.) In the beginning yes, but later on, no. When we would enter these bars he always wanted to sit at the bar itself and talk to the bartenders (his friends), a lot of time not even including me into the conversation, which I found rude. Once, I wanted us to sit alone at the table and talk. At first he didn´t want to, then he agreed, but was either quiet or started a fight with me (passive-aggressive). I really had no idea what was going on. He explained it, "You know, I´m an extrovert, I like to talk to people." But, it has nothing to do with extrovert-introvert. I dated much more extroverted guys and none of them did that.

We were going to the same places all the time. Mondays to one bar, wednesdays or saturdays to another. I kind of got bored of it and suggested we go to a new restaurant once. He said, "I don´t want to go there, I don´t know anyone there." I was like, "So what? I don´t want to go to the same bar this Saturday. It´s boring, let´s try something new." He then accused me of forbidding him to hang out with his friends. LOL, what? These are not even his friends, but acquantancies, and I´m not even that kind of person. I couldn´t care less really. He can hang out with whomever he wants. He then also started a fight because of it in public, so that people would stare at us.

Anyone else had similar experience?

[Turkish]

To me, "Triangulation" is kind of like the term "begging the question." It's used so much to indicate something other than its original meaning that it gets muddy. It took me a while to grasp this after coming here.

This may help:



You can read more about this dynamic here  PERSPECTIVES: Ongoing Relationship Conflict/ Karpman Drama Triangle

[Sunfl0wer]

That is interesting that he chats up waitresses, bartenders and such as though they are his friends?

Many persons with BPD have issues with the natural give and take of a relationship and meeting the emotional needs of others.  I wonder if he feels comfy chatting with these people because the nature of the relationship with them is that they have little to no expectations of him socially and emotionally.

Their role as bartenders and such is to be friendly, try to get a tip, make you want to come back.  Their job is to cater to you! There may be less pressure in such a dynamic for him. 

[lala42]

Thanks for that article!

And yeah, that might be it. Yeah, these people weren´t his friends. Some of them were his ex work colleagues, some of them were just people he met there, but they never met outside of that bar. Imagine going out with your BF and he talks to the bartender the whole evening and just occasionally with you, every time. What the heck?

And his excuses... .he talks to the bartenders because he is an extrovert (at the beginning he told me he´s an introvert, mind you), he has temper tantrums because he is Italian and italians are temperamental, etc.

[MapleBob]

"Triangulation" doesn't always refer to the Karpman triangle; it can also just be playing two people against each other for one's own benefit.