Is DBT worth a try?

[believer55]

My hubbie is not diagnosed - reluctant to go to a Psychiatrist. He has tried a counsellor, MC, Psychologist and now a healer and I should not be surprised we have had limited results and attendance at all of these. I am thinking of trying to get him into a private psych for DBT and pay for it myself as a last ditch effort. I know I can't make him go and I can't fix him... .is it worth giving it a go?

[thisagain]

Don't pay for it yourself. I paid for my BPD ex's therapy for a while out of fear that she'd abuse me more if she didn't have therapy... .then she ended up twisting her therapy to use against me and reinforce her disordered view of things. That would have hurt no matter what, but it was worse knowing that I was paying for the therapy.

If they aren't ready to look at themselves, no amount of therapy is going to help. We have several members whose spouses are in DBT and their relationships are not improving or even worsened. PwBPD's defense mechanisms to keep from looking at themselves are very strong, and they can even distort DBT concepts to fit into their BPD thinking.

Have you spent time trying to improve your side of the relationship using the Improving lessons here? Your best bet is to try to change YOUR behavior to improve the relationship to a level that you're happy with. After that, I guess you could try a therapeutic separation or therapy ultimatum as a "last ditch effort," but know that it's not going to work if he's not ready and invested.

Why did your husband think he was going to the counselor and psychologist?

[JQ]

Hi Believer,

Your husband hasn't been diagnosed but you've been reading and believe him to have the cluster B mental illness. You've no doubt read the references at the top & to the right.  You've read that trying to get someone who has the mental illness of BPD to a therapist is like trying to get someone who is an alcoholic to AA ... .if they don't want to go it's NEVER going to happen.

You've mentioned one of the 3 C's of BPD, you said, "I can't fix him". The 3 C's are, "YOU didn't Cause it. YOU can't Control it. YOU can't Cure it."  You've read that DBT therapy has some limited results ... .you've read that those who have the mental illness of BPD will never be Cured & the most you can realistic expect is some degree of management of the illness. It's not like cancer where there is a possibility of full remission.

If you haven't started to go to your own therapist to help you sort through your own feelings, emotions, thoughts I would begin there first ... .use the money that you were going to use for DBT therapy and work on yourself first ... .work through these questions with your OWN therapist first ... .and see where it goes from there.

IMHO ... .

J

[HopefulDad]

Don't pay for it yourself. I paid for my BPD ex's therapy for a while out of fear that she'd abuse me more if she didn't have therapy... .then she ended up twisting her therapy to use against me and reinforce her disordered view of things. That would have hurt no matter what, but it was worse knowing that I was paying for the therapy.

If they aren't ready to look at themselves, no amount of therapy is going to help. We have several members whose spouses are in DBT and their relationships are not improving or even worsened. PwBPD's defense mechanisms to keep from looking at themselves are very strong, and they can even distort DBT concepts to fit into their BPD thinking.

Have you spent time trying to improve your side of the relationship using the Improving lessons here? Your best bet is to try to change YOUR behavior to improve the relationship to a level that you're happy with. After that, I guess you could try a therapeutic separation or therapy ultimatum as a "last ditch effort," but know that it's not going to work if he's not ready and invested.

Why did your husband think he was going to the counselor and psychologist?

See big bolded.  [/thread]

[believer55]

Thanks everyone - he is happy to try therapies - he is tired of feeling the way he does and the rages and the outfall of them are exhausting him and our kids. I have read the lessons and yes I am in therapy myself as this situation has escalated my own depression and anxiety. Our MC and my therapist both suggest he has BPD tendancies and symptoms and his father had NPD. He has huge abandonment issues and he describes his emotions as "painfully intense". The problem is he tries a therapy and improves and then thinks he is cured. Then we regress again. We have very little money and if DBT was worth it he would give it a go but I may need to help pay for it myself. I just wanted some feedback from those who have tried it - it is suggested in the literature as the way to go.

Thanks again

[Ceruleanblue]

My husband is on his second round. First time it didn't help at all, and in fact, he got worse. This time, I've seen him "try" a little, but it's just like his anger overcomes any thought of using the mindfulness, or other skills. I actually use some of the DBT practices myself, and find them to be very good. That's just it though, you have to WANT to, and my BPDh really doesn't want to enough. He goes back and forth from saying he'll try harder, use the skills, to then going right back to blaming it all on me, or saying it's just "too hard".

If your husband is really devoted to getting better, it can work. If not, then it won't.

[believer55]

Thanks CB - had a quote from a pvt DBT therapist and no way we can afford it anyway. I have done a lot of work with mindfulness and the DBT skills are quite practical and I have been trying them myself.

Not sure what the future holds but trying to hang in there for the moment - although devising an escape plan at the same time 

[LonelyChild]

That would have hurt no matter what, but it was worse knowing that I was paying for the therapy.

My uBPDxgf cheated on me while on a trip that I had saved up $3000 for and gave to here out of the blue as a gift, knowing it was something she really wanted. Cheated on me twice on the same trip. Also had texted a guy saying "she can now afford some more things" and that "she can pay for a hotel room so he can rape her."

As for the topic;

Don't bother paying. Also don't bother with DBT. My xBPDgf went through it several times during our r/s. If you pay for it, you'll just be even more invested in this crap and it will be harder leaving. Stay your ground or just leave. Don't go deeper into this blackhole well. pwBPD don't change magically. Go ahead - try to find ONE sunshine success story on here. They do not exist.

If you want your SO to try DBT, talk to him about it. But do not threaten with leaving if they don't - that's abuse.

[gotbushels]

Don't pay for it yourself. I paid for my BPD ex's therapy for a while out of fear that she'd abuse me more if she didn't have therapy... .then she ended up twisting her therapy to use against me and reinforce her disordered view of things. That would have hurt no matter what, but it was worse knowing that I was paying for the therapy.

If they aren't ready to look at themselves, no amount of therapy is going to help. We have several members whose spouses are in DBT and their relationships are not improving or even worsened. PwBPD's defense mechanisms to keep from looking at themselves are very strong, and they can even distort DBT concepts to fit into their BPD thinking.

Have you spent time trying to improve your side of the relationship using the Improving lessons here? Your best bet is to try to change YOUR behavior to improve the relationship to a level that you're happy with. After that, I guess you could try a therapeutic separation or therapy ultimatum as a "last ditch effort," but know that it's not going to work if he's not ready and invested.

Why did your husband think he was going to the counselor and psychologist?

See big bolded.  [/thread]

HopefulDad

That would have hurt no matter what, but it was worse knowing that I was paying for the therapy.

My uBPDxgf cheated on me while on a trip that I had saved up $3000 for and gave to here out of the blue as a gift, knowing it was something she really wanted. Cheated on me twice on the same trip. Also had texted a guy saying "she can now afford some more things" and that "she can pay for a hotel room so he can rape her."

... .

... .I am swearing in shock and disbelief. Thank you for your generous sharing. That is really crazy behaviour. To stay PC, I'm not condemning her, but that behaviour is just. Oh my.   LonelyChild

[an0ught]

Hi believer55,

Thanks CB - had a quote from a pvt DBT therapist and no way we can afford it anyway. I have done a lot of work with mindfulness and the DBT skills are quite practical and I have been trying them myself.

too bad  :'(.

Thanks everyone - he is happy to try therapies - he is tired of feeling the way he does and the rages and the outfall of them are exhausting him and our kids. I have read the lessons and yes I am in therapy myself as this situation has escalated my own depression and anxiety. Our MC and my therapist both suggest he has BPD tendancies and symptoms and his father had NPD. He has huge abandonment issues and he describes his emotions as "painfully intense". The problem is he tries a therapy and improves and then thinks he is cured. Then we regress again. We have very little money and if DBT was worth it he would give it a go but I may need to help pay for it myself.

DBT is a about learning skills. Skills which when practiced consistently make ones life easier and feel better. That makes it stick. Fruzzetti (if you have not done watch the 1h video here: https://bpdfamily.org/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html. If you have time do it twice  ) talks about how the introduction of validation is sticky in relationships. While much of DBT is really, really for very good reasons off-limits for us as partners working on validating communication is not. If you found the video useful consider this book: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=73976.0

I just wanted some feedback from those who have tried it - it is suggested in the literature as the way to go.

Check out this thread for some member with various levels of success: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0. Usually the "Improving" board is a better place to ask for DBT experience.

Not sure what the future holds but trying to hang in there for the moment - although devising an escape plan at the same time  

Almost a pre-condition for your relationship to improve. If you are able to walk then being serious about boundaries becomes easier.

[gotbushels]

Lol an0ught : the voice of reason.

"The most important thing is to find a therapist who does a specialised, research-based treatment of BPD and who can demonstrate to you in some way (through credentials, test results, demonstration of supervision by experts) that he or she does the treatment exactly as it was researched." (Manning, S. Y. (2011). Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. New York, NY: Guilford Press.)

Good luck whatever you choose.