I want closure with BPD ex girl, break no contact?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Against every logical thought, I want closure. I loved S deeply. I dealt with her emotional abuse for too long. Held her accountable one night and got beat up badly. ROs next day, all court appearances she was nasty. ROs all dropped.

Posting on FB shes in a new relationship (i no longer look at it) its likely BS anyways, just a jealousy ploy.

Any advice? Should i unblock her number and call/text her? If so, what do i say?

[virtus]

Against every logical thought, I want closure. I loved S deeply. I dealt with her emotional abuse for too long. Held her accountable one night and got beat up badly. ROs next day, all court appearances she was nasty. ROs all dropped.

Posting on FB shes in a new relationship (i no longer look at it) its likely BS anyways, just a jealousy ploy.

Any advice? Should i unblock her number and call/text her? If so, what do i say?

[tryingsome]

You will never get the closure you are looking for with a pwBPD.

The only closure that you will get is knowing that can't give you what you want.

Don't call or txt if you expect closure. 

On a different board I might say something else.

But if you want to detach, you will not get soothed by the pwBPD.

You have to find your own peace.

[hopealways]

You will never get the closure you are looking for with a pwBPD.

The only closure that you will get is knowing that can't give you what you want.

Don't call or txt if you expect closure. 

On a different board I might say something else.

But if you want to detach, you will not get soothed by the pwBPD.

You have to find your own peace.

I agree 100%.  The BPD will never give you closure, for so many reasons, especially since closure is what they fear the most. They always want to know that they can have a backup.  Furthermore, your feelings are not exactly their priority, their survival is.

[thisagain]

Hi virtus,

What would "closure" mean to you? How long have you been apart?

I think there are some situations in which it might make sense... .I personally did not go NC right away because it took me time to accept that my ex was really not capable of a healthy relationship at all. If I'd gone NC right away then I might still be hoping.

But most of the time, when we say we want "closure," we seem to want to hear her say that she loves us and she kicks herself every day for losing us and she wishes we were still together... .And that's just not going to happen. Or even if it does happen, their emotions are so unstable that she'd probably change her mind and berate you the next day (or the next hour).

You need to find your own peace independent of how she's feeling, whether her new relationship is real or BS, whether she regrets losing you or not, etc. And the tools here on this board can help you do that.

[MapleBob]

I think there are some situations in which it might make sense... .I personally did not go NC right away because it took me time to accept that my ex was really not capable of a healthy relationship at all. If I'd gone NC right away then I might still be hoping.

YES. That was my exact experience of "closure" with my ex.

[blissful_camper]

I sought closure too. We had been good friends for so many years before we became a couple. There was little to no goodwill at his end each time I tried to foster peaceful closure.  He simply didn't seem to want our time together to end on a more positive note. That was very painful and I finally realized that I had to find closure and peace on my own.

Would it be helpful to write something to her, but in place of sending your letter to her, post your thoughts here to share with us?

I'm sorry you're hurting. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there and post often.  

[GreenEyedMonster]

My advice would be to find a way to stop giving this person power over you.  As long as she has something you need -- whether you call it closure or something else -- she is in control.  You will be free when you decide that she no longer has anything to offer you.

thisagain is right when s/he says that you are probably fishing for regret.  You aren't going to hear a person with this kind of disorder express regret.  You are probably also expecting that maybe she "learned something" or "grew" from the experience.  People who block out all sense of blame or responsibility do not learn and grow; they repeat the same mistakes over and over.

Your "closure" can ultimately come from acceptance of her serious mental health condition and understanding what that condition means for her relationships.  She didn't end the relationship for a mature, well-thought-out reason that she can articulate to you.  There will be no nice, neat explanation of why you are incompatible.  But now you know you are incompatible because of her mental health, and that is the last word.

I think you're doing yourself a disservice by expecting that a person who was so abusive has anything constructive to offer you.

[Lonely_Astro]

My advice would be to find a way to stop giving this person power over you.  As long as she has something you need -- whether you call it closure or something else -- she is in control.  You will be free when you decide that she no longer has anything to offer you.

thisagain is right when s/he says that you are probably fishing for regret.  You aren't going to hear a person with this kind of disorder express regret.  You are probably also expecting that maybe she "learned something" or "grew" from the experience.  People who block out all sense of blame or responsibility do not learn and grow; they repeat the same mistakes over and over.

Your "closure" can ultimately come from acceptance of her serious mental health condition and understanding what that condition means for her relationships.  She didn't end the relationship for a mature, well-thought-out reason that she can articulate to you.  There will be no nice, neat explanation of why you are incompatible.  But now you know you are incompatible because of her mental health, and that is the last word.

I think you're doing yourself a disservice by expecting that a person who was so abusive has anything constructive to offer you.

^^ This sums it up best.

You'll never find the closure/answers you're looking for. Take it from someone who was on speaking terms with their ex after the breakup.  It just doesn't happen.  Any veiled sense of responsibility is immediately pushed back onto you 'justifying' why they did something.  This just leads to more questions than answers, more hurt and pain, and keeps you in the cycle.

In the end, the only explanation that's a valid explanation is they're mentally ill, emotionally stunted people that their only consistency is they're inconsistent. 

[JQ]

Hello virtus,

With only 5 post here it appears you're somewhat new here. I would encourage you to read the references at the top of the page and to the right of the page ----->> >>

You don't go into much detail about the history of the r/s, how long, etc. But I'll take you at face value in that you say,  "Against every logical thought, I want closure."  From what you have read & will read BPD is a very VERY serious Cluster B mental illness.  Besides reading the references here on the site, I would encourage you to seek out a therapist to help YOU sort through YOUR thoughts, feelings & emotions. They can also help you understand why you were attracted to your BPD in the first place. Like most here you're probably a codependent & all that things that come with that. You need to learn why you have codependent behavior & attracted to a BPD ... .without learning about yourself, your behavior, you're most likely to continue to repeat your choices for a partner in life ... .without learning about your history there's a fairly good chance that there is another BPD r/s in your future.

In your statement you say the word "logical" ... .there is NOT & will NEVER be anything logical about the BPD mental illness so just forget about any illusion you have of that. If YOU truly want closure ... .I mean TRULY want to move on from her and start to live & explore life ... .ONLY YOU can do it ... .it is within YOU to stop all of it!  YOU have to not only block her from FB & all other social media but YOU have to stop going to her FB page. I mean what do YOU care what the heck she post? REALLY?  Block her number to prevent her text & calls. Put her email address in the spam folder so you don't get them.

You need to LIVE YOUR LIFE!  This means getting out of your place and socializing again with other people. Get out and get a walk in ... .a mile will take you only 20 minutes on a bad day. Start to eat right, nothing good comes from junk food ... .it's WHY they call it junk food.  Go to a funny movie or a comedy show ... .laughter is truly the best medicine to help you recover both mentally & physically.  You need to get some really good quality sleep ... .REM sleep helps heal the mind body and soul.  Stay away from alcohol of any type for awhile. It's a depressant and you might do something you might regret if you have one to many ... .like making a phone call.

Your BPD is mentally ill with studies, Ph.d's, therapist backing the thoughts that it can NEVER be cured ... .at the very best one can only manage this mental illness with limited success. So it really is up to you if YOU truly want to take back your life ... .to move forward ... .to heal yourself not only from your experience with your BPD but to really discover yourself, your behavior as a codependent and learn to say no ... .learn the 51% rule, for YOU to take care of YOURSELF because no one ... .no one else with do it for you.

Take a deep breath ... .take a step backwards ... .look inward ... .start to take your life back ... .you can do this like a lot of others have before you!

J

[anothercasualty]

In your statement you say the word "logical" ... .there is NOT & will NEVER be anything logical about the BPD mental illness so just forget about any illusion you have of that.

YES, YES, YES! That is the truth.

[virtus]

I met her in August 2014. She had a bad 15 year relationship end  adly. Her ex took out 3 seperate ROs against her. Also a A&B with a deadly weapon. She lived at the house they owned together and he walked away because of her actions & behaviors (when she did work it was part time jobs, jumping from one to another and rarely contributing any of the money to the house) Ive spoken with her ex and everything he told me was rhe OPPOSITE of what she told me. She cheated on him and had sex with her sons friend. She got "sober" in February 2014. When we met I felt an instant attraction to her as she is very sexy and loves to laugh. I waited a few weeks to try to make a move, holding her hand at a movie. Tryed to kiss her at the end and was rebuffed. Spent most days together. She was living with her sister, who tryed to give her space to deal with early sobriety. She made no effort to get a job and her sister strated being annoyed that she would come and go as she pleased living like a teenahed girl with no accountabilty. I saw all this and got to know her sister. Shirley would never accept responsisbilty, and i started paying her bills. In May 2015, I got an apartment for the 2 of us, hoping she'd spread her wings, get a job and grow up. In October 2014, we finally slept together. The sex blew me away and i guess i was kinda susceptible to her charms. During our time together, I told her i was falling in love with her then i would regularly tell her i loved her. Occasionally shed say it back but mostly she either wouldnt respond or shed say slow down. She played mindgames and emotionally abuse me subtly or not so subtly the whole time with her. All the while Im taking care of all her needs. She was seeing a psych and therapist and they told her she had a mood disorder. She asked me regularly to help her with this

It all ended Nov 2nd 2015 with her being viokent with me and saying ___ your insecurity and jealousy, Im leaving you. Since then a few court appearances (all dismissed) and she has threatened me and attempted to torment me.

Is a woman like this given all ive said likely to try and contact me in the future? I hope not as my healing has been going well. Blocked her on FB and her phone.

[bdyw8]

I posted this in another thread and found it relevant here as well.   I feel for your situation a lot of similar stuff to mine as well - reading this quote below that I found on the internet really helped me:

"Closure is a joke.  The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for staying as long as you did.  The only conversation you need to have and the only person you need to see again is the person in the mirror.  Look at yourself and say 'you know what, I fxxked up.  My worth is more than that'.   That's your closure.  Don't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you are still in hell."

[jessedsickabouther]

virtus you sound like me a few years ago. I'm sorry to say this but you want her to contact you and you want her to be somebody else. Let me tell you what happens when you go back. Eventually you piss them off and you are the one that ends up with with restraining orders or facing charges

I'm not even going to indulge you because I don't think you should be anywhere near this person.

Do you want to know how we all end up on this site to begin with.? We realized that we couldn't make any sense of anything and we started searching now does that sound like something you would be doing if you were with a person that was able to give you closure. Have you ever had a healthy relationship because if you did and it just ended a person is not going to make you feel like this.

People that are searching for closure I find generally don't want closure they want to not believe what the hell just happened and they want the person that they love to be that person that we knew for a very short time in the beginning. You want to hear that she didn't mean this and she's growing and she's sorry the only way that you're ever going to hear that is when she needs you.

Please please take the advice of the people before me and just get away because I'm telling you I lived it personally and I went back with a girl like this and it destroyed mean as a human being for a very long time. If I could go back and not seek closure I would have definitely not even tried

Grieve until you're done grieving and then when you're ready go try again with someone else and this time use all the knowledge that you've gained and gathered and put it to good use with somebody that will appreciate it

[Lexisdad]

JQ's insight to BPD and it's aftermath was very inspirational to my healing from my aftermath. You will never ever get closure from them. JQ thanks again brother for your wise words of wisdom on these boards.

[balletomane]

I was in the exact same position - I desperately wanted my ex to understand why I felt the way I did and to acknowledge that what he'd done was hurtful. I tried approaching him in writing. I tried to approach him face-to-face. Each attempt was disastrous, but I persisted in the hope that if I thought about it long enough I'd find the magic key. I would explain in just the right words, he'd understand, and I'd have that closure.

I know someone who had BPD and who has now largely recovered. She has made her peace with the people she hurt when ill. Partly because of her, I kept clinging to the fantasy that my ex would demonstrate the same level of insight and understanding. But she is a different person from him, and the question I should have been asking was, "Based on his past actions, am I likely to get what I need from him?" He was never, ever wrong - at least not that he would admit to anyone - and in all our relationship he never once said sorry to me, so it was not logical of me to expect closure from him. Based on your ex's past actions, do you think that you're likely to get what you want? Really?

I think you need to face the fact that you want something you can't have. I know it isn't easy. In fact, if I had to choose between undergoing the emotional pain I experienced because of this realisation and sustaining physical burns, I might be in favour of the burns, because the realisation hurt more than any physical pain I've ever had. But acknowledging the simple truth is the first step to getting out of your pain. The longer you cling to unfounded hopes, the more time you're going to spend stuck with the pain.

[HarleypsychRN]

Sorry, closure with an ex-BPD isn't in the cards. Learning all I can about the disorder has given me a sense of closure, understanding that this was the only outcome I could have expected... .her walking out suddenly after talking about me to her daughter and (as I later found out), her ex (typical huh).

My new tattoo next week will read "Trust your instincts" I will for the rest of my life... .