Purpose for this relationship?

[anothercasualty]

My pwBPD started therapy due to the ending of our relationship. I am heartbroken and sad about the breakup and am taking this time to understand my contribution and how to not repeat this pattern ever again. My question is, does anyone else feel like their purpose in this relationship was to motivate their partner into therapy and future health?

At this point, I want her to be healthy so she can live a more peaceful life without the constant anxiety and fear. I feel good about how I handled things and am glad that she is working on herself.

[valet]

Hey anothercasuality, I'm sorry that you're feeling sad about your breakup. These things are always a bummer for both parties involved.

I think it's good that you want your ex to be happy. That seems like a pretty natural response. A lot of the trouble with any kind of dysfunctional dynamic is that we tend to place an unfair amount of blame on our partners for the demise of the relationship. I think time helps to give us the perspective that we played our part as well. It takes two to tango, as they say.

I used to struggle with those same thoughts. We create our own narrative(s) in hindsight. Other people are here to teach us lessons. I'm sure that your ex learned something from you, just as you have from him/her. But let the relationship be what you want it to be. You can still make healthy choices in the future—there's no rule saying you can't both grieve and grow at the same time.

[Lonely_Astro]

After we broke up 4 years ago, J went and was diagnosed BPD.  She said that I made her realize something wasn't right with her and she wanted help.  She claimed to be going to therapy and working on 'getting better' after our fallout.  I was going to stick around as a friend until I found out she had still been lying to me about some stuff, so we parted ways.

After that, she started seeing a guy that she later married. She seemed normal after that. So, I had thought, I was somehow a catalyst for her improvement.  We moved on with our lives, in separate directions.  3 years later, we came back together.  She seemed completely different. She had told me I had made her a better person and she appreciated that I had been in her life, that I had given her the 'push' to get better.  Our friendship evolved to more than that.  It lasted a year.

Once again, all her BPD behavior had caused a rupture.  Once again, now that she's with my replacement (who was in the picture before I was out of it), I "made her a better" person, blah blah blah.  Maybe she honestly believes that or she doesn't.  It doesn't really matter.  The end result is the same: I was once again the catalyst for someone else to have a life with her.  :)oes that make sense?  I'm good enough to 'help' her "see the way" but not good enough to be her partner.  But, like the rest of it, it was an illusion.

Now, with all that said, don't focus on the fact she started therapy after you.  In the long term, it is highly unlikely that she will stick with it.  It has been my experience they will be in therapy up until it's time for the focus to shift to themselves and then they'll drop it.  Why?  Because they can't take any personal responsibility for any of their actions/failures.

The long term likelihood of her "getting better" with therapy is slim.  Her deciding to go is not related to what your did/didn't do. She may seriously, in the moment, be looking for some sort of answer but the (probable) truth is she's looking for someone to validate her villification of you. As soon as the T turns the light from you to her, she'll flee therapy. It's an almost certainty.

[Finnegan]

Hi another casualty, it sucks.  I truly as I have just done the same know that deciding to end a relationship is heartbreaking and painful and times you feel swamped by what you may have done to cause it.  My situation is we have 3 kids (youngest 12) and yes I desperately want him to seek proper therapy as he is so ill and our kids can now see it too.  However I also know that for self preservation I need to draw a line and I am really trying to work on those boundaries.   I can learn from my past mistakes as back in 2007 he cheated on me too; only that time I believed it was just flirty texting and the kids were younger so after initial separation of a week I took him back. We discussed his anger issues and he agreed to try therapy only to give it up once he was firmly back at home.  Apparently  no one else had problems like him and it was a group therapy.  I should have insisted he got a different type but didn't.  I guess ultimately you can lead a horse to water... .   Detatching is hard but I am determined for my own sanity that this time I will not be caught up in HIS therapy (which i am really not sure he is getting).  Lies... .  3 kids means we have a life long relationship -- that fills me with dread.  I hope for our kids sake he finds a way to change.  Good luck !

[MapleBob]

My question is, does anyone else feel like their purpose in this relationship was to motivate their partner into therapy and future health?

I haven't ever felt like it was my purpose to get her into therapy, but like you, my ex started up therapy after a few months of us being broken up. Oddly enough, the last time I spoke to her she told me that she hadn't even mentioned me to her therapist! (But, y'know, she couldn't stay in contact with me because of how dysregulated talking to me made her... .totally not the kind of thing you'd think to mention to your therapist.   ) The last I heard she was mostly doing work about changing her relationship with her ex-husband. Both that and actually divorcing her ex (after five years of separation) were things that absolutely would have improved our relationship, so it's kind of a slap in the face to hear about it happening after the fact.

You're welcome, next guy she dates... . 

[anothercasualty]

I think it's good that you want your ex to be happy. That seems like a pretty natural response. A lot of the trouble with any kind of dysfunctional dynamic is that we tend to place an unfair amount of blame on our partners for the demise of the relationship. I think time helps to give us the perspective that we played our part as well. It takes two to tango, as they say.

I used to struggle with those same thoughts. We create our own narrative(s) in hindsight. Other people are here to teach us lessons. I'm sure that your ex learned something from you, just as you have from him/her. But let the relationship be what you want it to be. You can still make healthy choices in the future—there's no rule saying you can't both grieve and grow at the same time.

Thanks, that reply really helped. I do want her to be happy, originally with me, but now I want her to be happy without me. She is a good person with a crappy disorder.

It does take two to tango and I own up to my codependency that I brought to the table. I felt like she was "out of my league" and my self esteem showed that. I really devalued myself. It's hard to admit that, but I have found my value in myself. I love myself again.

Thanks for the thought of growing and grieving. I vacillate between those two multiple times throughout the day.

I know most people would rather undo their time with the pwBPD. I don't wish that at all. I did enjoy many of the times together and I know that season has ended.

[anothercasualty]

Now, with all that said, don't focus on the fact she started therapy after you.  In the long term, it is highly unlikely that she will stick with it.  It has been my experience they will be in therapy up until it's time for the focus to shift to themselves and then they'll drop it.  Why?  Because they can't take any personal responsibility for any of their actions/failures.

The long term likelihood of her "getting better" with therapy is slim.  Her deciding to go is not related to what your did/didn't do. She may seriously, in the moment, be looking for some sort of answer but the (probable) truth is she's looking for someone to validate her villification of you. As soon as the T turns the light from you to her, she'll flee therapy. It's an almost certainty.

Thanks, LA! I am not hoping for healing for her so we can be together. That ship is sailing away quickly (as fast as I can get my heart to accept, my head is there already). She is not spiteful or mean, but she did say something about my daughter that showed something I had never seen before. (Understand, I have the most easy going teenage daughter a Dad could ask for. Not perfect, but a darn great kid.)

She had started therapy long ago and quit, but recently started up again. We were "friends" and sharing what was going on in therapy and she was making strides. No idea if she can sustain it. She said she wanted to quit many times. That was few weeks ago, don't know if she is still carrying on.

Sorry about your story. I cannot imagine the hurt that caused you.

[anothercasualty]

 :)etatching is hard but I am determined for my own sanity that this time I will not be caught up in HIS therapy (which i am really not sure he is getting).  Lies... .  3 kids means we have a life long relationship -- that fills me with dread.  I hope for our kids sake he finds a way to change.  Good luck !

Detaching is horrible! It really is like tearing something in half. I am glad you are able to let his therapy be his. (Codependency sucks.) Hopefully, you can find a co-parenting arrangement that works for both of you. My non-BPD ex-wife and I have a great co-parenting relationship and really are able to work for the common good of our daughter and still remain friendly with each other. Praying you can eventually find the same. Your kids have a great parent in you!

[anothercasualty]

The last I heard she was mostly doing work about changing her relationship with her ex-husband. Both that and actually divorcing her ex (after five years of separation) were things that absolutely would have improved our relationship, so it's kind of a slap in the face to hear about it happening after the fact.

You're welcome, next guy she dates... . 

I think we should be paid for the service we have provided to their next date/spouse!

I left the relationship because she wouldn't go to counseling. And then, when she started counseling, she decided to go it alone at her counselor's insistence (or so I was told). I felt like that was a slap as well. But honestly, there were some improvements I made in myself after the demise of the relationship that I am sure she wishes I had done while we were together as well. For us, I think it worked both ways.

[blissful_camper]

The purpose of the relationship was to motivate me to embark on a path of wellness.  

[valet]

I think it's good that you want your ex to be happy. That seems like a pretty natural response. A lot of the trouble with any kind of dysfunctional dynamic is that we tend to place an unfair amount of blame on our partners for the demise of the relationship. I think time helps to give us the perspective that we played our part as well. It takes two to tango, as they say.

I used to struggle with those same thoughts. We create our own narrative(s) in hindsight. Other people are here to teach us lessons. I'm sure that your ex learned something from you, just as you have from him/her. But let the relationship be what you want it to be. You can still make healthy choices in the future—there's no rule saying you can't both grieve and grow at the same time.

Thanks, that reply really helped. I do want her to be happy, originally with me, but now I want her to be happy without me. She is a good person with a crappy disorder.

It does take two to tango and I own up to my codependency that I brought to the table. I felt like she was "out of my league" and my self esteem showed that. I really devalued myself. It's hard to admit that, but I have found my value in myself. I love myself again.

Thanks for the thought of growing and grieving. I vacillate between those two multiple times throughout the day.

I know most people would rather undo their time with the pwBPD. I don't wish that at all. I did enjoy many of the times together and I know that season has ended.

I really like what you have to say here.

Keep the ball rolling, and don't forgot that there are a lot of us here that feel your pain.

[MapleBob]

The last I heard she was mostly doing work about changing her relationship with her ex-husband. Both that and actually divorcing her ex (after five years of separation) were things that absolutely would have improved our relationship, so it's kind of a slap in the face to hear about it happening after the fact.

You're welcome, next guy she dates... . 

I think we should be paid for the service we have provided to their next date/spouse!

I left the relationship because she wouldn't go to counseling. And then, when she started counseling, she decided to go it alone at her counselor's insistence (or so I was told). I felt like that was a slap as well. But honestly, there were some improvements I made in myself after the demise of the relationship that I am sure she wishes I had done while we were together as well. For us, I think it worked both ways.

She literally told me that she's "grown in this relationship." Hey, wow, gratitude.  

[anothercasualty]

The purpose of the relationship was to motivate me to embark on a path of wellness.  

Best.answer.yet!

How are you doing today?

[Finnegan]

Thanks for the positivity Another casualty

[Dutched]

Purpose?

That I am capable to show and give deep love, able to nurture, able to listen and talk for hours and days in order to canalise emotions and even during terrible times, to concentrate on the positive side of the personality.

That I am able to raise a shy, uncertain kid full of self doubts and low self esteem into a woman that seems confident and ready for the dangerous world to show off... .

Purpose fulfilled... .

[blissful_camper]

The purpose of the relationship was to motivate me to embark on a path of wellness.  

Best.answer.yet!

How are you doing today?

Thanks for asking. I'm 3 years out this July. The r/s was a springboard for important inner work. I was a mess when I peered within myself. I stayed the course the best I could and boy was that painful. I've grown, I'm proud of myself and there's a determination in my approach to life that is much stronger than before.

I wake up each day knowing how that day goes is up to me. With that in mind, I set out to create the most pleasant day that I can for myself. At the end of the day as I'm taking off my shoes I check in with myself, "How was today?" "Pretty good, let's do that again tomorrow." Or, "Could be better, what can I do about that?"  I'm content. How I experience each day is up to me. Life shifted pretty dramatically when I viewed my life from that perspective.

[hopealways]

My pwBPD started therapy due to the ending of our relationship. I am heartbroken and sad about the breakup and am taking this time to understand my contribution and how to not repeat this pattern ever again. My question is, does anyone else feel like their purpose in this relationship was to motivate their partner into therapy and future health?

At this point, I want her to be healthy so she can live a more peaceful life without the constant anxiety and fear. I feel good about how I handled things and am glad that she is working on herself.

I feel like the purpose for this relationship was to force us to heal our wounds which we never addressed. That's it.