I need to stay away, understand, and share.

[Eastbound]

First let me apologize for making this so unbelievably long. I really felt the need to get everything out the best I could in order for me to feel comfortable sharing. A little about myself: I'm 18, 6'5, and I finished my first semester at Columbia Univeristy. I'm majoring in Economics-Political Science and doing a Concentration in History. I was diagnosed with Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia in 2011 (the summer before High School). I also have a very narcissistic father who cheated on my mom. We eventually left my dad in 2010. I haven't spoken to him since the end of 2011, but he still sends me texts once about every month. Rose was my first girlfriend and the first girl I've ever kissed that I actually wanted to kiss again. She was the first girl I woke up next to in the morning that I actually didn't want to leave. Rose is two years older than me. I met her when I was 16 and she was 18. Her dream is (or was, I'm not really sure anymore) to be an actress and she's a BFA actor at Pace Univeristy. My mom took her headshot haha. My entire family is comprised of famous artists by the way.

Also, names are obviously altered.

I remember the first day I saw Rose. It was the second day of my junior year in high school and I was sitting in the front of the class when she sat next to me. I didn't pay much attention to her, other then at the beginning of class when my testosterone would inform me that I find her attractive. There was no interaction between the two of us until our philosophy professor, Mr. W, assigned us as partners on a project on Marxism and the Communist Manifesto. About a month after that, I messaged her on Facebook to ask if she had started reading it yet and she told me she hadn’t. A couple weeks before our project was due, Mr. W appointed another student as a member of our project group. We decided that we’d meet at the library the week before it was due. The day before we were supposed to meet, we decided that we’d meet at Rose’s house because the library would be closed and we needed lots of time. That night Rose and I talked on Facebook about life and conspiracies. She told me about her skepticism toward evolution and science, instead referring to Atlantis and Lemuria as the true answer to human history. This reminded me of when I placed my faith in similar ideas while I was doing research during my chemotherapy treatment. I ended up realizing the relationship between this “New Age” religion and Nazism, and so I stopped. I forgot about all of this by the time I met Rose, and so I brushed it off as something she’d grow out of like I did. The next day I went over to Rose’s and stood outside her house for about five minutes. I had anxiety and I was scared. I really liked this girl, but I didn’t understand why. I eventually built up the courage to follow her instructions and enter through the back of her house, making my way to the basement. Sitting there was Rose and the other girl in our group. I said awkward hellos and then sat in an armchair by myself. We went over our work for a while, the other girl did basically everything, and then talked for a little. Then, out of the blue, the other girl said, “how long have you guys been friends?” To which Rose responded, “we just met haha.” Then she said, “oh wow, you guys act live you’ve known each other forever... ” Neither me nor Rose responded to that. We just started at each other in a strangely non-awkward silence. I don't remember much else about that day besides the other girl leaving to do some family things. Rose and I spent the rest of the day doing our project. I’d type what she’d read. Then we talked for a really long time until I decided, much after the time I said I was going to leave, that I had to go. Not ten minutes after I left Rose texted me saying that she had a really good time and that she wants to hang out again real soon. I responded saying that we should hangout the next day. So we made plans to do so and texted for the rest of the night.

The next day I went over to her house a little earlier than she asked me to. I waited outside because she wasn’t home and then I took a walk around her block. Then when she told me that she was back I ran to her house. I waited outside until my heart stopped beating so hard and then I went to her basement. She had Netflix open and began playing a movie. She was wearing a green shirt that she cut in the next/chest area to show off her boobs, and she was also wearing see-through black leggings. There was incense burning and it was very cold. I ended up wrestling with her a bit on her couch until we started cuddling. There was a point that she turned toward me to start saying something as I was moving my head and we accidentally kissed for a brief moment. Then we looked at each other and I let out a nervous laugh and she said “you kissed me.” I replied, “yeah I did.” That was all we did that night. My friends kept calling me to hangout but I kept telling them I couldn't because I was working on a project. In reality I was having so much fun with Rose, more fun than I’ve ever had, that I really didn't want to leave. I ended up leaving at 2 am and walking all the way home. I tried to get her to come with me and sleepover but she told me that she couldn't because her dad might come down and see that she’s not there, hence getting her in a lot of trouble. Her dad did end up coming down that night so we were lucky that she didn't come with me.

That week we presented our project in class. Rose was incredible. I knew she had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, and that she was bull___ting the entire thing, but she was doing and amazing job. I pretended one day that I was feeling sick so I got out of presenting, but in reality I didn't do my reading and had no idea what to say, plus I didn't want Rose to judge me for not knowing anything, especially because she was definitely a way better bull___ter than I was. That Thursday, she asked me if she could sleepover the next day. Of course I said yes. Her mom called my mom, and then she came over after school on Friday. Carter didn't bark at her like he does to literally every other girl that’s ever came over. He loved her. Rose and I cuddled on my bed and watched movies the whole night. Then we started kissing and had sex for the first time. Everything happened with the lights off, but I could feel how beautiful she was. She fell asleep around 3 am and I watched her sleep for a little until I fell asleep too. In the morning I woke up at 10 and took a shower. I came back to her just getting up really really excited. She told me that she’d never been able to sleep next to a guy before, and that it must mean I’m really special. We went downstairs and my mom had made her a whole raw feast. She was raw vegan at the time. Then we went back upstairs and watched corny movies. She fell asleep on my lap and then woke up a couple hours later exclaiming “I did it again! I fell asleep again!” We celebrated for a little, then had dinner, and she went home. Again, not but ten minutes after she left, she texted me saying how much fun she had and that I’m really really awesome. I told her the same and said that she’s literally like my new best friend. We made plans to do the same thing the next weekend. I was happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

From that point on, I would really look forward to going to school. I’d miss no more days even though I had permission to be absent virtually whenever I felt like it. Seeing Rose was my inspiration to go to class. Philosophy was my first class everyday. I would walk in, and she wouldn't be there. She was always late. Then, finally, she’d come in right when class starts. She’d make her way to the front of the class, and sit down next to me. I’d look over at her as she gets her pencil out and then she’d drop it on the floor. Every single day I’d pick it up for her and she’d brush me with her leg. We’d look at each other, and then class would begin. She’d text me during class saying “I can’t stop looking at you.” She’d stare at me all class. It felt amazing. After class we’d talk for a little, and then go about our day. We’d text from the moment we woke up to the moment we’d go to sleep. I began slowly going to sleep later and later because I wanted to spend more time talking to her.

One weekend the conversation about smoking weed came up. I’m not sure how. I mentioned that I smoke once and a while and she scoffed at me. So then I began to try and explain to her how it’s not bad and that it’s actually helpful. I continued to explain how not only it’s helped me get through Leukemia but it also has helped thousands of people get over much more difficult illnesses. Basically, I explained how her views on marijuana truly offended me. She responded by saying how she thinks all people who smoke weed are stupid and lazy and that they have no brains. Obviously this pissed me off. I had her watch a documentary on cannabis. She spent the entire time on her phone. I got so upset because of how disrespectful she was being to me. I left to go walk Carter and she followed me. It finally came out that the reason she’s so against marijuana is because all of her friends used it and that her dad uses it too. She felt that he used it in order to deal with her and her mom because of how much stress he has and how he doesn't want to be with them. She also had an experience with marijuana when she hugged a tree for about an hour. I forgave her for her actions, but I never got her to watch a marijuana documentary again until about a year later.

When Rose asked me to go with her to her senior prom I hesitated for a moment but then said yes. She always thought I didn't want to go with her, which was true but I never admitted it. I was scared of going but I just wanted to make her happy. It turned out to be an amazing experience because we just sat alone and talked to each other the entire time. Some of my friends who went with their older girlfriends came to us and talked for a little, but neither me nor Rose felt pressured to make the first move by socializing with other people.

Not too long after that Rose asked me to hangout one day but I told her I couldn't because I was sick. In reality I lied to her because I had a huge stye on my eyelid that I was really embarrassed about. Instead I decided to hang out with John for a couple hours and smoke my bong. A little later that same day Rose ended up calling me very angrily when she somehow discovered that I lied. She forced her way over to my house while I was high and asking her not to. She then continued to interrogate me and lecture me about being high and also not caring about her. Originally I tried my best to explain to her my reasoning and how I felt she was being unfair and acting unjustly but I couldn't structure sentences properly to convey those thoughts… because I was high. That was the last time I ever got high happily without fear and anxiety.

One day Rose discovered that in August (the same month that we started dating) I was texting other girls. She never forgave me for that and constantly brought it up as a breach of our trust. I never ever forgave myself for that either until recently when I was in a session with my T and she had me go back to why I did that. I remembered that when I first asked Rose to be my girlfriend she told me she had to think about it. After that was the last time I ever texted other girls in an obviously flirtatious manor.

We spent the entire summer together. Literally every single day she’d sleep at my house. Then she went away to Pace University and ___ really started happening. She would call me every night and cry for hours to me begging me to rescue her and make her feel better. She would talk about suicide and hurting herself and tons of other really awful things including throwing up to stay skinny. I’d stay on the phone with her until literally like 4am every night trying to make her feel better until she basically cried herself to sleep. I created this Google Doc entitled “Affirmations” where we’d write something nice about each other every single day. I really thought she needed it. She’d come to my house every weekend and sleep over all three days (Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night) until she had to go back Monday morning. Also, the summer before she slept over every single night and my mom and I paid for all of her food without any offer to help from her parents or anything. She hated her parents. She couldn't even look them in the eye. Affirmations lasted about a month until she would write so much about me that I couldn't keep up anymore. I missed two days and then she deleted the doc because she thought I didn't care about her. In reality I felt so pressured to write pages like she did that I just stopped altogether because I couldn't anymore. It was taking hours at that point.

[Eastbound]

Sometimes when she was complaining she would tell me how lucky I am that I don't have to go to school all the time and that she wishes that she gets sick. One time she even said that she'd rather have cancer then continue doing what she's doing. She never asked me what cancer was like or anything about my sickness. Instead she’d ask me about things my dad would do to me, but only so she could then analyze and use them against me in the future by saying I’m acting similar. Not so she could understand me.

Another thing is that whenever I would hang out with anyone and her, she would constantly bring me down. I would say something, knowing that it's not true maybe to look cool, and she'd call me out on it or make fun of my clothes or laugh at other people making fun of me. I took this for a while because I was secure with my friends at home and I figured it was the only way she knew how to feel accepted around people and I wanted her to feel safe and like hanging out with my friends. Then at Columbia she continued to do it and when I asked her to stop she'd act like she has no idea what I'm talking about and/or tell me to stop trying to act cool.

So then I get into Columbia and the same day I call her to tell her I'm coming into the city and she says she's going to meet me at penn station. I meet her there and we go to Columbia but as soon as we get there she starts acting really passive aggressive in the sense of everything I said about how happy I was and how great everything is going to be for both of us she kept saying stuff like “for you” or “uhuh” but in a really awful tone. For days after she kept talking about how much I was bragging and showing off about getting in and how it makes me seem like an ass, a dick, and a bad person. I kept asking her just to be happy for me but she said she cant because my achievements were too much greater than hers. I kept trying to tell her that i couldn't have done it without her but she wouldn't see it. So then I convinced her to apply to Julliard again (her dream school). She does absolutely nothing for it and submits the same essay and resume she did last time, only practicing for it the day before. She goes in (I go with her and sit there for like six to eight hours) and then she finally comes back crying that she didn't get in and blaming me for doing this to her. I ignore it and just have her come back to my house and she cries in my bed while I hug her and she's yelling at me for building her up so high just to get knocked down and how she’d never trust me again.

On my graduation she came with me and cheered for me and drove to every single bus location so she could throw water balloons at me on the bus. Afterwards, when I was on my way to project graduation, she slowly started to talk about how she feels bad that I’m leaving her alone and how she can’t stand being by herself. Then she goes into how she missed one of the busses because she threw the water balloon over and how she thinks everyone is laughing at her and how she’s worthless etc. It then turns into a whole conversation (during project graduation) where she’s crying to me on the phone about how she thinks we’re not going to make it and how she just wants to be with me but she thinks that I’m going to meet somebody else at Columbia etc. etc. It really brings me down and I have an awful time for the rest of the night until I come home and she’s in my bed there waiting for me completely fine and wanting to sleep more.

Then Rose begins to get involved in what she calls “spirituality.” It’s not spirituality, but more of an unorganized cult. She’s told that she’s an alien from the pleiades star cluster and doesn't belong on earth but was sent here to learn something and I’m her guide. She then discards science and reason for this, including believing evolution is fake. She also claims to hear the voices of spiritual advisors in her head guiding her. Theres so much more to this but then this message will get really, really, really long.

There's this time when she got really sick for a week and at the climax she peed herself during class and I brought her a change of clothes all the way to Pace University.

Whenever she was done performing I would always start the clap in the audience and brag about her to everyone around me, including her parents. She was in a play that ran for three days on the weekend. I went to every single one and sat through it from the beginning until the end when they were done cleaning up and I could take her back to my dorm. One of these nights her parents came and continuously asked me when Rose would be going so that they could leave right after her performance. I kindly refused to tell them because I knew how much it meant to Rose to have them there, and I never shared that with her.

Roughly a year before all of this happened, when I was still a senior in high school, I began to notice the way she’d look and talk about girls so I brought up that I thought she might be bi. She got really upset because she has/had a sister that is now a brother and that she has a lot of really awful feelings about that. I kept telling her for weeks that its okay and that I actually really like it and want her to experiment. So then she has someone stay with her for like a “accepted students day” at Pace. She then tells me that she slept with her and had an amazing time. Fast forward literally a year later she tells me that it never happened and just told me that to make it happy. We eventually had two attempts at a threesome. The first time she was really really afraid and nervous and I did everything I could to make her feel safe and happy. She eventually slept with her in my bed while I was there but didn't involve me at all so the next morning I expressed my discontent and she freaked out on me saying that she thought id just be happy that she was happy. I told her that its okay and I’m not angry with her just annoyed but she said shed never do it again. So like a month or two later we try it again and I get involved and its literally the best night of my life because she's absolutely incredible and amazing. The next day I tell her this, but I also say the other girl was “eh” and she freaks out and starts crying saying that she’s never going to do it again and that I’m such an ungrateful ass. I kept trying to calm her down and tell her that it has nothing to do with her because she is absolutely perfect and that it was literally just the other girl who I wasn't attracted to. She wouldn't hear it and it never happened again.

I was in economics one day and this asian girl sat next to me and started talking. we eventually exchanged numbers and made plans to go out to get lunch. Rose found out because she was looking at my computer when I was in class and I have my texts forwarded to my computer with iMessage so she screamed at me for trying to "cheat" on her and then called one of her insane friends (who I actually begged her to be friends with the year before because she always cried about having no friends and that was the only girl who was even talking to her at Pace) who confirmed that by me going to lunch with a girl it would be a date and that would be the start of a cheating relationship. I called her friend insane because Rose was able to infiltrate her mind with the mentality that she’s a spiritual butterfly and that they’ve known each other for thousands of years in an intergalactic theater company. She got all these ideas from an email reading she paid $80 for. Somehow she had the money to waste on that ___ and never EVER spent a dime on me except for my first birthday present when she got me cute bondage stuff that I was into but only let me use it with her a handful of times.

[Eastbound]

There was a time when I felt so awful that I started to look up emotional abuse. I actually got Cassy to look at it and we went over everything and she even admitted to some of it. Nothing changed though, even though she promised that things would.

Anyway, this same girl, her name was Sarah, invited us to hang out with her once at Pace. So I went with Rose and we talked for maybe two hours in the cafeteria which was empty. Afterwards, Rose continued to yell and hate me because she thought me and Sarah were a better match than me and her. I kept trying to calm her down and tell her that I will only love her and I don't feel anything for anyone else, but she repeated over and over again that she HATES Sarah and hopes that she dies and wants to fight her. Finally we went to sleep and the next day she was talking with Sarah again as if nothing ever happened, but instead all the anger was placed on me for she told me that I was the flirting one and that she couldn't believe I'd do that to her.

So then what really really ruined everything was this following night… I had some friends over in my dorm and then after they left I asked her: “do you mind if I take advantage of you?” and she said “no.” So I picked her up and carried her to the bed and she started yelling asking me what I was doing, and that she said no. So then I expressed that I thought by her saying no to my question of “do you mind” that I thought it was okay. But she told me that she heard, and I quote, “in my perception of reality you said ‘can I’ and even if that’s not what happened it doesn't matter because that’s my perception.” So then I try and ask her why I would ever do something like that if thats actually what happened but she doesn't want to hear it so I decide to just ignore it but she doesn't want that either. I get into bed and then she says “I have something to say which I know will make you feel bad.” So I said “don’t say it.” And she says “oh but I know you want to hear it.” So I say, “I really don't want to hear it. I wont stop you from saying it but I’m not going  to ask you to and I really think its not a good idea to do this now.” So she says, “I think of other guys when I masturbate.” (I don't think that’s a bad thing, its just for our entire relationship she freaked out on me whenever I’d talk about other girls and watch porn or literally anything thats not her because she said she doesn't have the capability to think that way). I turn around and try and go to sleep but then she starts masturbating in bed next to me while pushing me and making sounds. I ask her to stop and she says “why? I have the right to do whatever I want.” So I say “Rose, please. What you're doing right now is really really mean and I just need time to forgive you because its really upsetting me.” So then she tells me who she's been thinking about (which is multiple people I know and am friends with) and that sets me off in a way that nothing usually had before. I start screaming at her and telling her to get out of my bed and that I hate her and I cant believe she’d do this to me etc. etc. All the says after is “I cant believe you yelled at me.” This all happened the day before I took my economics exam.

The next day I'm so broken down after my exam and Rose won't talk to me about what she said. I felt like I was going insane because I had no idea why she didn't feel remorse for what she did. I didn't understand how she could do that, especially because if I did the same thing she’d be a complete mess. I end up going to the psych ward across the street from Columbia to talk to someone because psychological services was closed. When I come back she doesn't ask me how I am and instead tells me that she’s really angry at me for going. I end up asking her who she’s texting and she says Sarah. So then I ask what they’re talking about and she says I can look at her texts if I want to. As I go over to get her phone she quickly changes her mind and then says that she doesn't want me to see because all she's doing is talking about how crazy I was being (all she's doing… i cant believe how insensitive she was about me going to the ___ing psych ward because of my breakdown, the god damn love of her life, and all she says is that I'm being crazy). She finally shows me her phone and all the texts are deleted. I don't even get mad at her, I just sit back down and find my center to deal with her. She hates it.

Now it's Rose’s birthday in December and she has Sarah come over to my house so I could take them both out to our favorite restaurant. They were talking the whole time and leaving me out of conversation, so when I had the chance I asked Rose to ask me something so I could join the conversation. In response she said: "oh so you can show off?” Furthermore, when I was paying for the meal Sarah kept talking about how she doesn't want to owe me anything so she just wants to pay for her side. I have no idea what the hell Rose must have told her or if that’s just a weird thing with her but it really freaked me out.

Fast forward some more and she starts to verbally abuse me a lot. She calls me disgusting, ugly, mean, etc. She hints that my only value would be the fact that I’m with her and that everyone knows that as long as I’m with her that means that I must be a good person. She also clings onto the idea that I have no real friends and that I only have her. Then one day she comes out and tells me that she feels trapped and that I’m preventing her from going out and doing what she wants to do. That crushes me. All I’ve ever told her since I first met her is that I wanted her to go out and make friends. That I wanted her to go out and try new things. And that I would absolutely love to do it with her if she was too afraid to go on her own, but she would always say that all she needs is me. She would beg me to allow her to stay over every night because she said her house and room was evil and haunted and gave her the worst feeling that she might even have to kill herself. Now she tells me that the reason she stays all the time is because she feels that I need her to, and that she doesn't have a choice. So of course I say that she can go and have as much time as she needs. One day goes by and she texts me saying that she misses me, so I go over to her house and we watch movies as she acts totally like her old self. Finally she asks if she can sleep over but only if she can go to sleep as soon as she gets there because she’s really tired. I say I’d rather not because that would sort of make me feel bad and she says “ok then go home.” So I left feeling awful and she continuously harasses me telling me that the reasons I feel bad is because I'm not giving myself love and that I’m the problem and that in order for me to heal I have to be by myself in my room watching nothing at all. No friends, no contact, nothing. A week later she comes over and starts yelling at me because she was tracking me on my phone (we had find my friends activated) and found out that I went to Peter’s and Jordan’s houses. Then she tells me that she deleted snapchat because she didn't want to see that I didn't want to heal. The she ran into the bathroom and began crying her eyes out threatening to break up with me if I didn't start treating her the way she deserved to be treated. I sat against the door and kept repeating “Rose, I love you, and I care about you. You are my world and I’ll always be here for you.” over and over again. Finally she came out and said that she's breaking up with me. I told her that “I will love her forever and will always be here for her, and that I wish her the most happiness in the world.” She then takes it back and everything is really great for a while. She even begs to stay over that night, the next night, the next night, and the next night until… she begins yelling at me for the whole “take advantage of you” thing which happened months ago. I stand my ground and eventually she asks my mom to talk to us both, to mediate. She tells her side of the story, I respond with mine, and she says that all she hears is that theres something wrong with her. Then she starts maniacally crying and screaming and slamming her head on the table. My mom pops up and hugs her while looking at me with a concerned look of “what the ___ is going on with this girl?” Then Rose just looks down at the table and doesn't say anything for a while. Finally, after much discussion with us trying to talk for her and her saying either “yes” or “no” as to if we are getting her feelings right. She looks up and says “I think I just need to learn to forgive.”

[Eastbound]

One day I convinced her to come with me to the pediatric cancer ward at Columbia Presbytarian. The entire time she was on her phone and completely somewhere else mentally. I kept trying to engage her and explain stuff to her, but she’d barely even answer me or acknowledge what was going on. Then with all the bald dying children around she says loudly “wow, this place is so nice! what a great view!” She proceeds to explain how she wouldn't mind coming every year to get blood tests and stuff, because she already does that at her doctor’s. I turn and say “well you’re not checking to see if you have cancer, are you?” and she doesn't answer and goes back on her phone. Later I ask her what the whole experience felt like, and she says “very cloudy and confusing.” I didn’t probe it any further I was so angry. I just dropped it. She never asked me about my cancer or any of my experiences with that. She always acted like it never existed.

The day I left for Columbia after winter break, she decided to lock herself in my closet and cry. Then she proceeds to talk to my mom in my closet for like three hours until I have to leave at which point she’s totally calm and happy and gives me a huge hug and apologizes for everything that she's done. She promises that things are going to be different now because she's going to clean out her demons and work on loving herself and being happy with herself. I’m obviously overjoyed that she's finally not blaming me for the way that she feels. That lasted two days. On the third, she calls me up to tell me that her “spiritual advisor” has conveyed to her that I am the reason her inner child feels endangered. That I have to start caring about her feelings more and doing more for her. I express that I’m literally doing everything that I can and I don't understand what more I can do, asking her what else she wants from me. She doesn't give me any answer and just keeps repeating that her inner child, which will never grow up, needs more love and comfort and that I’m unable to provide her with that. Then she breaks up with me, again.

The next day she calls me to talk to me about how she feels she didn't feel like she got the chance to explain herself. All she does is repeat that I’m the problem because her “spiritual advisor” says so, so I hang up. Then she proceeds to send me really really cruel texts, followed by loving/missing texts, followed by angry/suicidal texts, followed by humorous/silly texts, followed by insanity, and then lastly with a whole three paragraphs, in detail, of how much she’s not going to care about all the things that we used to do together. How she’s decided to emotionally cut herself off from me. She posts some snapchats over the next day of her very happy wearing clothes I gave her and making herself look beautiful.

A couple days later she emails me a letter that she wrote blaming my mom for everything that happened and saying that she's the reason why we had to break up. She even said that if she's wrong it doesn't matter because thats her perception of reality and if I want to be with her then I have to accept it and move on. I don't respond, and I change my profile picture from our prom photo to one of me and my dog along with my cover photo. I also block her on Facebook, Snapchat, GroupMe, Google+, iMessage, basically anything I could think of. Then I’m told by some friends that she burned all of her possessions that I gave her, even posting some of it on snapchat. I also find out that the day she sent me that letter, literally less than an hour after, she went to go have dinner with the person she was hooking up with right before she met me. I do a week of NC and then I call her on Sunday for some closure. Her voice is completely different, like a drone or just something dead. I cant really describe it. It’s the voice she gives when she’s protecting herself, her arrogant unsettling dragon lady voice. I spill out my heart to her and ask her if she still loves me. She tells me that she does but not in the same way that she used to. She also tells me that theres no way that this is ever going to work. As I try to talk to her she goes and starts talking and joking with her parents so then I hang up angrily after telling her that I’m leaving. She then calls back a couple minutes later all happy and saying she's walking her dog now, but I freak out on her for the second time in our entire relationship. I tell her that she's one of the cruelest people I've ever met and that she has a condition called borderline personality disorder (I was looking into it a lot by that point) and that I hope she gets real help. Then I hung up as she was laughing. She then sent me a text saying: “Thank you for reminding me of why I can never be with you. Do not contact me again.” I responded with: “Thank you for making this easier for me.”

Now it’s been a couple days over a month of NC with her since that day. I still google her name like everyday to see if she’s changed anything on Facebook. All she’s done is change her cover photo to a spiritual eye with a meaning of self-confidence . The day after Valentines day my friend left his Facebook open on my computer so I stupidly used it to view her page and there were pictures of her looking weird as all hell with a group of friends she used to hang out with before we met. I sort of laughed because it was so creepy. I’m trying to completely do NC now because I would drive by her house once and a while to see what’s going on, and one day I was driving home and I saw her car outside a house I didn't know and I completely freaked out. I realized its because I really have no idea what she's up to and its better that I just completely disengage because she's really terrible for me. She’s doing everything that she’s always told me is bad to do. It’s so confusing but after reading a lot of stories on here I’m starting to understand it more.

So that’s the kinda just the gist of what happened… theres so much more but this has already gotten so monstrously large that I feel bad having you all read so much. I feel like I’ve lost part of myself and that all the memories that I've shared with her are not real. It feels like everything that happened was just part of a really good dream gone terribly wrong. She was my first girlfriend and I'm still crying almost every day from the effects of this breakup. I took everything of her's and left it in a black bag outside her house. I then took all the things she gave me and put it in a box along with a USB drive filled with the messages from her, the pictures of us, the videos of us, and other things including our prom flowers. I then gave the box to my mom and told her to hide it from me. I'm not sure how I ended the semester with a GPA of 3.4, but it's definitely not my best. I'm just proud that I didn't fail out when all of this was happening, even though I really should have. I'm on medical leave now until September because I knew I had to get away from campus or else I probably would collapse and ruin my opportunity at Columbia. I really need to stay away from this girl and I have to make sure that I'm strong enough to say no if she comes back. Any questions or comments, supportive or mean, please share.