How to deal with the wanting yet not wanting contact, and having to see him?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm having a hard time b/c my ex pwBPD and I work together. It's almost been a month since the official break up. Over the weekend I gain my composure and don't want contact. Then at work, I hope he will leave me alone b/c usually he's telling me how much he misses me and a bunch of CRAP that isn't true, but then when he DOES leave me alone I start to get all depressed. Does anyone else know this experience?

Big hugs to all!

[apepper21]

I'm having a hard time b/c my ex pwBPD and I work together. It's almost been a month since the official break up. Over the weekend I gain my composure and don't want contact. Then at work, I hope he will leave me alone b/c usually he's telling me how much he misses me and a bunch of CRAP that isn't true, but then when he DOES leave me alone I start to get all depressed. Does anyone else know this experience?

Big hugs to all!

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes . . . been there, done that.

The difference is that my ex tends to be more nasty to me than not.  If I don't chase him and show him affection when we see each other, he gets very angry.

Trust me on this -- it's worth working through the depression so that him leaving you alone feels good.

[Anez]

I work with mine, too. And man, what a tough situation that is. The first few months were brutal as, just like you, i'd feel good over the weekend and then I'd go right back to feeling like all i want to do is talk to her and be with her.

But over time it gets easier. Mine is unlike yours. She stays away from me and doesn't initiate contact. It's been almost two weeks since I've said a word to her and that last word was just a cordial hello.

Just do your best to create boundaries and stick to those. And if you need to tell him your bandaries (no more talking to you, etc) then tell him and hopefully he backs off.

but yea, working with your ex is tough. I will never hook up with someone from work again!

be good to yourself and post here when you're overwhelmed. There are a few people on this board who work with their exes and they can be a lot of help.

[apepper21]

I work with mine, too. And man, what a tough situation that is. The first few months were brutal as, just like you, i'd feel good over the weekend and then I'd go right back to feeling like all i want to do is talk to her and be with her.

But over time it gets easier. Mine is unlike yours. She stays away from me and doesn't initiate contact. It's been almost two weeks since I've said a word to her and that last word was just a cordial hello.

Just do your best to create boundaries and stick to those. And if you need to tell him your bandaries (no more talking to you, etc) then tell him and hopefully he backs off.

but yea, working with your ex is tough. I will never hook up with someone from work again!

be good to yourself and post here when you're overwhelmed. There are a few people on this board who work with their exes and they can be a lot of help.

Thanks so much. It is so hard working with him. This would have been over a long time ago if we didn't. He goes from wanting to talk and be all friendly to angry to depressed and I'm trying to stay strong and not let his moods effect me, but obviously it does, seeing as it has for 2 years! And it was all day and at home, so NO break.

For sure NEVER a work relationship again!

[Ab123]

I started dating almost right away. I know there are different opinions on "rebounding," but I think there is little to be gained by waiting if you can be emotionally available or, failing that, honest about what you are seeking with new potential partners.

Just moving forward and being open to something can give hope. And, during the push/pull phase of the break up I took strength from the idea that 6 months out I could be in a totally happy r/s with someone new, but faced the reality that my ex and I would very like still be toxic.

I am seeing someone great now. I'm still here and still processing the breakup. I don't think it is healthy to simply ignore feelings and pretend to move on. But, I'm finding it is possible to begin something new (and hopefully healthy) while honoring and learning from my breakup.

It also helps because I am loyal, and I've just reach the point with the new guy that if my ex reached out, I would feel obliged to immediately respond "I'm sorry, I'm seeing someone exclusively and it isn't fair to him if I talk to you."  I know myself well enough to know I'd hold firm. If that weren't true, is chose a different path.

[apepper21]

I started dating almost right away. I know there are different opinions on "rebounding," but I think there is little to be gained by waiting if you can be emotionally available or, failing that, honest about what you are seeking with new potential partners.

Just moving forward and being open to something can give hope. And, during the push/pull phase of the break up I took strength from the idea that 6 months out I could be in a totally happy r/s with someone new, but faced the reality that my ex and I would very like still be toxic.

I am seeing someone great now. I'm still here and still processing the breakup. I don't think it is healthy to simply ignore feelings and pretend to move on. But, I'm finding it is possible to begin something new (and hopefully healthy) while honoring and learning from my breakup.

It also helps because I am loyal, and I've just reach the point with the new guy that if my ex reached out, I would feel obliged to immediately respond "I'm sorry, I'm seeing someone exclusively and it isn't fair to him if I talk to you."  I know myself well enough to know I'd hold firm. If that weren't true, is chose a different path.

I've thought of that, trying to date. Scary and don't know at all where to begin in dating... .Do you work with your ex pwBPD as well?

[HarleypsychRN]

I work in the same building but not the same floor, or shift. There is a chance of us passing each other in the parking garage or halls. I hope I don't run into her. I thought about what to do in the even it happens... .maybe a benign head nod or wave.  I will not be stopping to talk or engage her in any way.

[SWLSR]

We are dealing with people who have a disease that keeps them from making sense.  My ex has many times said she wants nothing to do with me so when I have nothing to do with her she says I am being an ass about.  And all I am doing is completely ignoring her and anything she does.   If just goes to show one can not please these people.

[apepper21]

We are dealing with people who have a disease that keeps them from making sense.  My ex has many times said she wants nothing to do with me so when I have nothing to do with her she says I am being an ass about.  And all I am doing is completely ignoring her and anything she does.   If just goes to show one can not please these people.

You are right, we can't. And it feels awful each time he blames me. If he asks for no communication, and I don't, he gets mad b/c I don't care. He makes it sound like I'm bad for HIM!

[Lonely_Astro]

We are dealing with people who have a disease that keeps them from making sense.  My ex has many times said she wants nothing to do with me so when I have nothing to do with her she says I am being an ass about.  And all I am doing is completely ignoring her and anything she does.   If just goes to show one can not please these people.

You are right, we can't. And it feels awful each time he blames me. If he asks for no communication, and I don't, he gets mad b/c I don't care. He makes it sound like I'm bad for HIM!

Remember you are dealing with someone who's disorder makes YOU the persecutor, not them.  They will never take (true) responsibility for their actions. Literally, every day is a struggle for them.  Now, I don't say that to say they should get a pass on being crummy to people.  It's not uncommon for them to push you away and then get mad because you left.  I experienced this with J.  After 2 months of refusing to see me, I simply stopped pursuing her.  I stopped asking to see her, etc.  it was limbo.  When she finally did agree to see me face to face, she was mad because I had been ignoring her and her feelings (when the reality was she was ignoring mine).  But, I was the bad guy.

The same thing happened after I found out she had been on a date with a guy.  I told her that I had had enough and the r/s was going to end.  Once again, I was the bad guy because I wasn't "willing to try harder" and that I "gave up to easily", among other ridiculous things.  They are always the victim, the martyr.  Of course, I did attempt to keep J accountable... .which was a disaster. 

Working with her is hard.  Working with her and my replacement is even worse.  For those that don't know, J started seeing L before we officially ended things, even though J denies that and said she "isn't doing anything wrong because we were over" before she started seeing L... .of course she forgot to tell me that we were over, naturally.  I look back on all that and see just how ridiculous it really was. All of it.  My last conversation with her (the day I found out she was seeing L) really summed up how ridiculous it had all been.

I know you're getting stronger every day, pepper.  If you want to go out with someone for dinner/drinks, then go.  If you aren't ready for that, don't.  You'll know when you're ready.  But moving on with your life, while scary, is the best course of action.  I didn't think so, at first, but now I realize I've dodged a bullet (twice!) by J leaving me. 

The ultimate thing to take away from this is that he's NEVER going to be who you want and need him to be.  I had thought J had changed.  It turned out the only thing that changed was her ability to lie.  She had gotten MUCH better at it.  We ended the same way we did 4 years ago.  Pretty much exactly the same. 

Tell him to whine to his estranged wife and go out there and enjoy life.  It's already to short and we've all wasted to much time on these emotional black holes.  Rip off that band aide

[apepper21]

We are dealing with people who have a disease that keeps them from making sense.  My ex has many times said she wants nothing to do with me so when I have nothing to do with her she says I am being an ass about.  And all I am doing is completely ignoring her and anything she does.   If just goes to show one can not please these people.

You are right, we can't. And it feels awful each time he blames me. If he asks for no communication, and I don't, he gets mad b/c I don't care. He makes it sound like I'm bad for HIM!

Remember you are dealing with someone who's disorder makes YOU the persecutor, not them.  They will never take (true) responsibility for their actions. Literally, every day is a struggle for them.  Now, I don't say that to say they should get a pass on being crummy to people.  It's not uncommon for them to push you away and then get mad because you left.  I experienced this with J.  After 2 months of refusing to see me, I simply stopped pursuing her.  I stopped asking to see her, etc.  it was limbo.  When she finally did agree to see me face to face, she was mad because I had been ignoring her and her feelings (when the reality was she was ignoring mine).  But, I was the bad guy.

The same thing happened after I found out she had been on a date with a guy.  I told her that I had had enough and the r/s was going to end.  Once again, I was the bad guy because I wasn't "willing to try harder" and that I "gave up to easily", among other ridiculous things.  They are always the victim, the martyr.  Of course, I did attempt to keep J accountable... .which was a disaster. 

Working with her is hard.  Working with her and my replacement is even worse.  For those that don't know, J started seeing L before we officially ended things, even though J denies that and said she "isn't doing anything wrong because we were over" before she started seeing L... .of course she forgot to tell me that we were over, naturally.  I look back on all that and see just how ridiculous it really was. All of it.  My last conversation with her (the day I found out she was seeing L) really summed up how ridiculous it had all been.

I know you're getting stronger every day, pepper.  If you want to go out with someone for dinner/drinks, then go.  If you aren't ready for that, don't.  You'll know when you're ready.  But moving on with your life, while scary, is the best course of action.  I didn't think so, at first, but now I realize I've dodged a bullet (twice!) by J leaving me. 

The ultimate thing to take away from this is that he's NEVER going to be who you want and need him to be.  I had thought J had changed.  It turned out the only thing that changed was her ability to lie.  She had gotten MUCH better at it.  We ended the same way we did 4 years ago.  Pretty much exactly the same. 

Tell him to whine to his estranged wife and go out there and enjoy life.  It's already to short and we've all wasted to much time on these emotional black holes.  Rip off that band aide

Thanks!

I did really good yesterday, you would have been proud:) Then today I came in to find out he's not here, and bottom line he's going to a partial outpt. program starting Friday for a week, b/c he's not stable. I he did this last year too. But I got sucked in. I'm good now, I'm just afraid of tomorrow and Thursday, if he tries to suck me in more with his "how low he feels" crap. I'm going to say that we had agreed it's better for us both if we don't talk about that stuff, and I'm glad he's getting help. And then deal with the ___ storm that follows if it does.

I have an interview tomorrow:) So will be in late, so at least it will only be 1.5 days of work. I have to keep my distance. I have health stuff going on that I have been putting off. My therapist is actually recommending I take a sick leave to deal with my own stuff, but I'm afraid to 1. confront that 2. take off from work that long, especially now that he's going to be off. but I cant' get caught up in all that right now. I'm focusing on interview tomorrow, and getting thru the next two days, guarding myself from him, and will figure out what to do with my stuff soon!

I'm afraid I went backwards today, but I am reminding myself I get to start fresh right now and I don't have to let him back in or fall for his antics if he pulls any over the next two days just b/c I feel guilty that he is feeling "low", it's FOG for sure and he wouldn't think twice about distancing himself from me if roles were reversed. hard to see when he's "feeling bad"

UGH!