Name Calling - why? How do you not let it get under your skin?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been called:

-Manipulative

-Abusive

-Liar

-Unsafe

-Unhealthy

-Disgusting

-Illusionist

-Dark

-Demon

-Sick pervert

and more. When I talk to friends about it, they are shocked anyone would think that of me.

How do you not let the words hurt? Why do they know what to say to hurt you the most?

[GottaMoveOn]

I've been called:

-Manipulative

-Abusive

-Liar

-Unsafe

-Unhealthy

-Disgusting

-Illusionist

-Dark

-Demon

-Sick pervert

and more. When I talk to friends about it, they are shocked anyone would think that of me.

How do you not let the words hurt? Why do they know what to say to hurt you the most?

[once removed]

hey gottamoveon 

were these things that you were called during the relationship, after it, or both?

[GottaMoveOn]

Always after - during the devaluation part of things. Then during the recycle there would be apologies, very sweet words about how I am a "beautiful soul" and deserve so much goodness.

Once they apologized to me, and said they "couldn't stop the madness" coming from them.

[once removed]

sounds like translation: "i hate you, dont leave me"  .

its hard. it makes you wonder how the person who is telling you that you are a beautiful soul could call you a demon. you wonder, if they recognize you "deserve so much goodness" why their behavior suggests the opposite. not to mention, the highs and lows, the blowouts and make ups, are really exhausting and disorienting.

we have an article here that refers to ten beliefs that can keep us stuck. one of these beliefs is:

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever” Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

you asked how to not let the words hurt, and i think all of this applies to the hurtful words and actions as well, and for the same reasons: "emotions are over-expressed like young children"; impulsively. thoughts are distorted and feelings are facts. dont over focus on, but dont lose sight of, the fact that BPD is a serious mental illness.

its easier said than done,  but when you accept "the actions - all of them - are the truth" and let go of the words, the hurt will lessen.

your friends are shocked anyone would think these things of you. you know your truth. these words do not define you or your truth.