just looking for support and words of wisdom

[philo beto]

Hello all on here, I have stopped by time to time to read as i needed answers.

I have recently ended a 6 year relationship with a woman i suspect might be stricken with BPD.

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. Roller coaster ride all the way.

There have been so many signs not to mention a pretty bad case of codependency on my part which i am addressing in therapy

Signs include

1. abandoned by both parents at one point or another multiple times in her life. Huge abandonment issues

2. lies all the time

3. affairs on first two husbands and then me

4. Classic break up and get back together (at least 4-6 times)

5. deregulation of emotions

6. Out of the blue hurtful actions

7. no win situations

8. insomnia

9. emotional intimacy with the kids

10. physical assault on me

11. splitting

She broke up with me a week before christmas out of the blue. I had discussed with her in Nov. that we needed to move forward or move on. Bang out of blue it happens.

In Jan she reaches out again and like the dummy I am () I go back and we decide to take it slow day by day but we are seeing each other and telling a lot. However i am starting to get a very uneasy and unstable and i was planning to break it off.

this last weekend we go to a reunion (not together), before we go she tells me, that we can't act like we are together because her friend doesn't know. Lie she says (i was not happy and expressed that you friend would approve), so she basically acts like i don't exist and I play along. Her friend tells me i should move on etc. Then we dance and friend is gone,guys are everywhere rubbing up on her, I try to get close to her and she tells me to back off, and I'm scaring her, makes a huge scene and runs out, i chase but the bouncers intervene. THIS SAME WOMAN AND I WERE GOING TO HAVE LUNCH TWO DAYS LATER AND TEXTED SHE LOVED ME 8 HOURS AGO!

I had enough so got home and emailed her a good by and I was worried for her mental health, and she should perhaps look at BPD as an answer (she's been in therapy but not with BPD person.) that all of the hallmarks are there. I told her that i wanted her inner happiness and maybe this could help. i had planned on telling her this when we separated

i emailed her best friend and stated to her that "I'm sorry for the weird night but i just wanted you to know we were together and I hated to lie. I also told her that i worried for her health and well being, she is less stable than ever please look into BPD as a lot of what i see in our relationship is such

I also emailed her sister stating we had been seeing each other but were done. I also stated that i feared for her mental health, loved her but perhaps BPD could be the answer. This same person had told me earlier that mental health issues run in the family and perhaps she was touched.

I truly am worried for her, this is why i did it. There is so much more to list but i could go on. Perhaps a bit of white knight but i meant it well.

Well the friend calls and tells me more lies from the persons mouth. I say that is not true, show her evidence, then it comes out that this person has been seeing someone else as well as me. So she has been lying to me !

So the sister calls me today and tells me i did all of this, i should have walked away. I stated to her "i wasn't the liar here, if these lies aren't told and someone owned their actions this doesn't happen" also "i truly love and worried about this person, i have never seen this person like this". "The friend won't speak to the person because of the lies she was told and this is my fault as well?"  That i caused their family a lot of pain because of the email i sent to the sister.

Well thats it, this is how crazy this relationships can get.

Just want her happy,and i thought the two people i reached out to would understand and forgive all. i was wrong.

[Lonely_Astro]

Sorry to hear that you've been through a rough r/s, it's a tough thing to experience.

Whether she is, in fact, BPD or simply immature is something we'll never know.  It's not really for us to know, anyway.  There were a few things in your story that immediately stood out to me that would be personal boundary issues for me.  I had a few personal boundaries set when I got involved with my ex (who's diagnosed BPD and demonstrated Narc traits), which she busted of course.  I than moved my boundaries, which was my mistake.

As difficult as it will be, the best course of action for you to detach is immediately going no contact.  It's hard to do, trust me, but at the end of the day it's the best method.  This will give you the space and time to heal and focus on yourself.  NC isn't easy... .you're going to want 'closure' and you're going to want 'answers'.  But, you won't get that from them, only more pain.  Now that the r/s has ruptured and you're on this section of the board, it's time to stay out of the cycle.

My ex (J) and I ended officially at the end of December after 2 months of me being in limbo about our status.  I officially ended it after I found out she had been on "a couple of dates" with a guy (R).  She had attempted to 'stay' in a r/s with me, yet kept talking to me about R (she was still in contact with him - even though she knew that hurt me).  I was NC with her for a couple of weeks, we talked for a few days (more pain for me), went back NC for a couple of weeks again, and we had contact again.  J was tiptoeing around another go around with me by telling me a lot of confusing stuff.  During that time, I found out she was in a full blown r/s with another guy (L) and had been since early/mid December.  So she had either lied to me about R (as in she told me she had seen R when it was in fact L) or she had been dating R and L while trying to keep me in a r/s with her too.  J neither broadcasted nor hid her r/s with L from people, but she went out of her way to keep me from finding out through compartmentalization and omission.  At no point during our contact did she ever mention L to me.  See the problem and pattern?  Oh, I should also mention that J is not only diagnosed, but is also taking medication and is (allegedly) in DBT.

I am currently almost a month NC (even though we work together, I've managed to avoid her - and we work with L, too, joy :-/ ). It gets better with time as the FOG lifts.  I should also mention that J and I have a history prior to this past year, we were an item for about 4 months 4 years ago (before she was diagnosed) that ended much the same way. So, from my experience, it doesn't get better.  Yes, this r/s was longer and we got closer than before, but I've found out that much of this past year was full of lies, manipulation, and not being perceived as the same (even though we constantly talked about it) between us.

The very last thing J said to me was that she wanted to be my friend.  I declined because it takes trust and respect to be friends.  I have neither for her.  Ultimately these relationships aren't about us, we could've been anyone, it's all about them.  Just be glad you won't be around her to see the aftermath.  What I mean is J has a 'habit' of talking loud so I can hear how awesome her weekend was with L or she has a revolving wallpaper on her desktop of her and L hugged up together.  All of these things she didn't do until after I found out about them.  Other members may disagree with me here, but I feel she's doing all that on purpose to hurt me directly because I wounded her by forcing a stop of the cycle.

Count your blessings you're out.  Keep healing.

[Learning Fast]

Ultimately these relationships aren't about us, we could've been anyone, it's all about them



Philo,

LA offers great advice and counsel.  NC is "the easiest hard thing to do" (if that makes any sense) and it's your best option at this point.  And I mean total NC no social media, no checking with othersto she how she is doing, no random "drive bys" to see what she is doing, etc.

I texted my ex good bye on 12/31 and have been total NC since.  Any breach of total NC thru any of the above will only arrest your recovery and generate more questions than answers (believe me as I tried LC during previous recycles ).  I doubted others who posted here about the effectiveness of NC but am now a disciple.

Stay strong, keep reading others comments and continue to post.

LF

[Frank88]

Philo: The first thing to jump out at me was the abandonment.  Divorces and abandonment really do a number on young girls.  I guess none of us can know with 100% certainty if it is BPD.  There is no blood test like there is for many diseases.  For me, labeling mine as a BPD has helped me come to grips with some things, and even if it is not BPD in many cases, these women are still crazy and we need to get away and stay away.  Frankly, even if Sigmund Freud told me my ex was not BPD, she'd still be crazy, so BPD or not, these women are not healthy for us.  Good luck, it gets better over time.  Every day I spend out of this relationship, I focus more and more on what I need to do for me, and less and less on what her issues were.  I was a willing participant, and now I'm not.

[philo beto]

Hey guys thank you for the support.

In truth,  I have been on this board in past and kept going back. I only suggest she has BPD due tot he fact that as i was going crazy, i consulted a therapist who treats BPD at the suggestion of my therapist, this person handed me "I HATE YOU DNT LEAVE ME". His comments were "whatever it is its way more complex than a simple therapy session." To put a little perspective on this, her second husband was thought to be closeted, and we found him on a website now out of the closet. She of course blames him for a lot of this, he bankrupted her, used her financially had two kids wth her, the works. 8 weeks after she moved out IT DID NOT STOP HER FROM TRYING TO CHARM HIM BACK AND SUCCED AS FRIENDS THROWING HIM IN EVERY SCENARIO ( lets vacation with him, etc). It was always but he's gay why are you intimidated, i love you. "I'm doing it for the kids (wrong for you) I WAS SUCH A ___ING WIMP LOL. Divorce is tough i get it, you make bad, weird decisions, i chalked it up to this but after it became evident no this is not healthy.

I am pretty damn good at NC and after what happened pretty cement as i saw this as unhealthy and planned to leave, also with a new person in her picture she will not reach out, its gonna be when that relationship fails (and it will) when i will hear but by then i ll be moving in such a great direction fast that i won't have time.

I have my moments of pain but in end I look to my full life away and all of the success I have achieved despite her. However i do know they hit when you are weak, thats how my relationship started in the first place.

I don't really have the anger, I'm hurt of course, but again my life is FULL of happiness i created. I see her life and I pity it, being beautiful has a shelf life . In the arenas away from this relationship, i have reached pinnacles that only few could dream of, I choose to focus on that.  I guess the fog has lifted and i see it what its for, a relationship that was unhealthy and in some ways toxic but I never let it touch where i needed to go in my career or my other personal life!

Truths I have learned

1. In truth huge part of this is my fault, I gave away my power the power to walk away,i will work on it in therapy. I have codependency issues I'm addressing. Boundaries and core values can never compromised. Thats in healthy relationships too. However if your in a healthy relationship boundaries and core values will rarely be tested. If they are being tested regularly this is not a healthy relationship.

2. I try not to call people crazy as we all were brought up different. Try having your parents abandon you, emotionally molest you, love you conditionally rather than unconditionally, reject emotional connection or you just plain crapped out on the mental illness craps table and you will have issues. I also do not think she is a victim at 44. She could not control what happened to her as a child however she can now and chooses to do nothing or window dressing therapy because to dig deeper hurts to much. Ive hurt as much as anyone from this relationship.

3. In end i truly believed she loved me deeply in her own sad way. For people with abandonment issues the more you love someone the farther you hold them away from the true intimate you. Healthy love to people is letting them in at the risk of rejection, to BPD to be rejected at this level would be EMOTIONAL death. The cycle starts of push/pull, the same cycle they grew up with. To someone healthy that makes no sense but that is what BPD feel comfortable. Recommendations are that to work with BPD people you must walk away at times but in healthy relationships thats not healthy, working together to find common ground is. I Don not feel that a lifetime of this type walk away connection is healthy at all. I do not want a daddy/daughter relationship where your dealing with a emotionally stunted person. People are in them all the time no work for me.

4. I was called needy at times, and yes i was part way unhealthy (CD) part because i was starving for emotional intimacy (FAUX), that we had at the beginning . It does go hand in hand. a vicious cycle. The minute i would go off on my own she would become the needy one and then I would get reeled back IN.


5. I was told in end i loved her more than she loved me, and yes if wanting emotional intimacy and a healthy life together was loving her more than i feel comfortable with that. I Truly believe she gave me all she could, and i do feel compassion for her in the sense that it must be uber painful to be with someone who needs more than is possible for you to give.

6. I AM NOT A VICTIM, I AM NOT POWERLESS. 

There are many great women out there for me but the person I'm most enjoying getting to know is myself. If i like him and strangely enough i do  , i will never be alone.

will post more time to time as its good to get a check above the neck with you guys. To all of you going through this I'm sorry it sucks, we all just want a healthy relationship.

t

[Learning Fast]

Philo,

Great expression of self-awareness on your part!

I feel half the battle in recovery is identifying our role, recognizing they gave what they could and realizing that whether you use the term BPD or something else a relationship with a disordered individual is not healthy.

Keep moving upward and onward.

LF