Resources for pw codependence traits?

[whatathing]

Hello,

I´m looking for trustful, comprehensive resources for people who struggle with co-dependency relationship patterns. Is there also a forum like this one, but for sharing co-dependence issues?

I´d appreciate any feedback. Thank you very much.

[Sluggo]

Whatathing,

Great question and Welcome!  You will find that many of us nons (people who have a relationship with a person with BPD) have many codependent behaviors.  These forums are chalked full of people trying to work through, understand, unveil, realize these behaviors. 

I myself fall into this same category co-d.  I have been helped tremendously by sharing my story, reading others story, and taking in the experience and challenges people have recognized with my own behavior. 

Welcome aboard and feel free to post a question, concern or experience you need to think through or get feedback on.   

[eeks]

Hi whatathing,

As All4BVM says, please feel free to post here about your situation.

In the meantime, here are some links you might find helpful.  People with codependent traits often have issues with boundaries. 

BOUNDARIES - Living our values   

Boundaries: Tools of Respect

And these threads about codependency

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=283769.0 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=290648.0

You may find it useful to dig for the hidden beliefs that drive or justify your codependent behaviour, whether they were "survival strategies" you developed to maintain the bond with your parents at a young age, a result of how your family trained you to behave, and/or from hearing generosity and selflessness being praised in a familial or religious context.

(And just as an example, the beliefs I have uncovered in myself are things like "you don't get angry at people you love", "loving others means doing what they want and not upsetting them".  And then you can start to take little risks to act in ways that go against those beliefs, and see what happens.

[anon72]

Thanks Eeks for sharing 

Would you suggest that the main thing we need to be focussing on in order to move on from co-dependent behaviours are actually boundaries?  Any other resources out there (books/articles or otherwise) about how to move on from codependency?

Hidden beliefs in my family:

- People-pleasing - it is always about other people - not about me.  Has a lot to do with generosity/selfishness being praised in a familial context.  But 99% of the time, it was actually about my uBPD mother - so I guess that I learnt from her;

- ":)on't hold your own opinions or upset people in your family...   I learnt this from a young age, as whenever we expressed an opinion that was not inline with my uBPD mother, there was hell to pay.

- "If you don't become enmeshed with the uBPD, then you are not really a caring, loving person".  And guilt will be used in order to make you feel bad.

[eeks]

Thanks Eeks for sharing 

Would you suggest that the main thing we need to be focussing on in order to move on from co-dependent behaviours are actually boundaries? 

You're welcome.  And I don't feel qualified to tell you "This is what you need to focus on!", but I can say that I think codependency and lack of boundaries are very closely related. If you think about, for example, difficulty saying "no", or being easily pulled into FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) by other people's emotions, it seems to me that it would be helpful to figure out "what belongs to me, and what belongs to other people". 

In addition to recognizing what of others you do not need to take on as your own, also recognizing your own rights that you may have been taught/traumatized out of asking for, e.g. I have the right to ask for help, the right to say no, to have an opinion, to disagree, to make mistakes... .

There is a phrase in the book Nonviolent Communication, "responsible to, but not responsible for others".  I like that.  It recognizes that we are social beings and depend on one another for many things, but still gives us a choice. 

[Jox]

I really understood codependency in a book Women who love too much.

It is written for female gender,,but it applies to men too. Easy read, but very difficult information.

[whatathing]

Whatathing,

Great question and Welcome!  You will find that many of us nons (people who have a relationship with a person with BPD) have many codependent behaviors.  These forums are chalked full of people trying to work through, understand, unveil, realize these behaviors. 

I myself fall into this same category co-d.  I have been helped tremendously by sharing my story, reading others story, and taking in the experience and challenges people have recognized with my own behavior. 

Welcome aboard and feel free to post a question, concern or experience you need to think through or get feedback on.   

Thank you, I´ve already used this message board a lot 3 years ago, this time it´s not for me, I´m trying to forward useful resources for a friend who´s struggling with co-dependency issues. I myself have a few issues with it. Thanks

[whatathing]

Hi whatathing,

As All4BVM says, please feel free to post here about your situation.

In the meantime, here are some links you might find helpful.  People with codependent traits often have issues with boundaries. 

BOUNDARIES - Living our values   

Boundaries: Tools of Respect

And these threads about codependency

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=283769.0 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=290648.0

You may find it useful to dig for the hidden beliefs that drive or justify your codependent behaviour, whether they were "survival strategies" you developed to maintain the bond with your parents at a young age, a result of how your family trained you to behave, and/or from hearing generosity and selflessness being praised in a familial or religious context.

(And just as an example, the beliefs I have uncovered in myself are things like "you don't get angry at people you love", "loving others means doing what they want and not upsetting them".  And then you can start to take little risks to act in ways that go against those beliefs, and see what happens.

Thank you Eeks! Very useful information.

[whatathing]

I really understood codependency in a book Women who love too much.

It is written for female gender,,but it applies to men too. Easy read, but very difficult information.

Thank you, I´ll check on it, sounds like what I´m looking for.