How can I tell if uBPDh is capable of participating in marriage counseling?

[Daisy23]

My husband has been going to individual therapy for about four years. The biggest change I see is that he has become able to let me share my needs/feelings without raging at me in response. His responses are still self-absorbed - I wouldn't say he is capable of working anything out beyond the practical and impersonal matters in our lives; he loves to feel like a hero and he also needs to use me like a crutch. My needs and feelings are not on the table as far as he is concerned - I can say them (yeah!) but he can't see past his own.

I don't have a big need to do marriage counseling right now. I also see my own counselor which is a good source of support for learning healthier behaviors - dealing with codependence. But I wonder if going to someone as a couple could help improve things. Am I holding back out of fear or instinct?

How can you tell if it's a good idea to try MC?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Daisy,

when people arrive on this board in 95% of the cases at first the situation needs to be stabilized. Both sides need a better awareness of what they are responsible for aka. boundaries. Both sides need to learn to manage emotions better aka. validation. Often the networks of the individuals outside of the relationship need strengthening.

When the situation is more stable again I think there is a need to reconnect and regroup as a couple. That requires more disclosure, deeper validation, some vulnerability and new boundaries between the two. I'm talking here less about core personality protecting boundaries but more boundaries that to an extent are negotiable. Ideally (note: non speaking here  ) one would negotiate and done but we all know we are not in a totally rationale relationship. So some conflict and fighting required in finding a new long term viable setup. Nothing wrong with conflict here e.g. one model of generic team formation enumerates the phases: forming, storming, norming and performing.

Will MC help or hinder progress only you can decide.

Am I holding back out of fear or instinct?

Fear of conflict?

Instinct that MC triggers too much conflict to be managed by your H?

Fear of change?

or?