Letter to my undiagnosed BPD ex, never to be sent

[virtus]

To my ex

We met at our AA homegroup and I was smitten with your beauty and infectious laugh right away. I gradually discovered you were having a tough time, living with your sister, newly sober and coming out of a failed LTR. I was also newly sober and coming out of a failed STR. Both of our relationships ended very badly, with ROs. Yours also included an A&B with a deadly weapon. All of these ROs and your A&B were taken out on us individually. The way I saw it, we laughed alot and comforted each other through the pain. We became very good friends and you didnt have a job so I began buying things for you. Cigarettes, gas, car repairs, car insurance, etc. I was living in a room in my landlords condo and we spent alot of time there. I gave it a few weeks and we were at a movie and I held your hand and rubbed your leg. At the end of the movie, I tried to kiss you and you rebuffed me. Shortly after that we were at your sisters house and I expressed my desire to be more than friends with you. You said "You and I are never going to be like that... ."

A few weeks later, after selfishly pushing a little harder, we made love. It was incredible for me. We had sex a few more times and suddenly you wrote me a note, having cleaned my room, note said "Keep it clean like this for the next girl" I was very hurt because as i told you, I dont want the next girl, I want you. Over the next month, we spent alot of time together, made love several times and i felt we were becoming a couple. During this time you told me you cleaned a mens rooming house once a month and you called me one night saying you cleaned the place and were gonna hang out with the guys, one of whom you referred to as M. You came over my house at 1am that night and we made love.

Over the next 4 months we spent alot of time together, going to meetings, trips to my nieces wedding, trip to new jersey for an aa convention, etc. Dinners, movies, hanging out at your sisters and my place. I bought us rings and i asked you to formally be commited to each other. You agreed and i told you what the rings signified to me. It showed the world you were in a monogamous relationship. We both posted on FB that we were in a relationship, although you wouldnt accept my friend request, which i thought was odd. At the end of May, i rented an apartment mainly so you could get out of your sisters place and the stressful environment. You didnt have a job and no money but promised me youd get a part time job to contribute towards the house.

You got a job at a pizza place but lost it after only 2 weeks. You couldnt get along with your boss. You got another job snd quit after a few days saying it was too much on your back. You told a mutual friend, "dont tell him but i want the summer off so i can go to the beach" This comment and several other red flags came up before and after we moved in but I ignored them not wanting to make waves. My frustration led to me a few times over the summer me wanting us to have a talk about some of my concerns about our relationship. You would not want to be at all accountable for your actions and behaviors and each of these talks would turn into arguments that ended with me crying and frustrated. Never any resolutions.

You started up your relationship with D again in August. Youd said when i met you that you were done being friends with her and called her very nasty and angry names. I encouraged you to reach out to her and make peace. You started soending more and more time with her, normally on weekends when we would spend time together. On your birthday, your ex E sent you emails saying more than just happy birthday. You waited a few days and in tears told me about it. I did my best to comfort you and you responded to him saying you wanted no contact with him. You told your sister about this in front of me saying Im done with E and my heart is opening more and more for me. I helped you get printouts off your phone of your communications with him. You promised you werent going to do anything with them yet weeks later you confessed you drove to E gorlfriends house in an attempt to give her a printout.

She wasnt there and you gave it to her daughter which scared her and her family. They went to the police and triend to get an RO against you but were denied. Fast forward to November 2015, youd been secretive, sneaky and were spending more and more time away from me. The previous weekend you were at Debbies for 3 days and I was at home. Sensing you were pulling away from me, youd left your calendar book out and i read that you had been seeing E, praying for his medical issue and dropping cookies off at his work for him. Also you noted when D had seen him several times. I couldnt hold it in and asked you about seeing E and told u i saw your book.

I also told you my concern about your ongoing sneaky behaviors and being secretive with your phone. You said "___ your jealousy and insecurities, Im leaving you. You said having contact with E and your phone were none of my business. None of my business? Youre my live in girlfriend and Im completely supporting you financially? I am not a controlling person but whats fair is fair. You proceeded to jump on.me, punch me many many times, trying to bite me, scatched the hell out of me and broke my pinky finger. Later, you assaulted me again and made a veiled threat to use a knife on me, saying im not worth going to jail over. Youd told me months earlier you said the same thing to E when the end of that relationship came.

I spoke with E and your family after the ROs expired. Everything youd told me about E, him being mean, narcissistic, etc was the polar opposite of what he told me. I know a few people that know him and they each said hes a good guy whose life you horrified, selling all his stuff, he chose to give up his home, cheated on him with Massage Man. The same guy whose romming house you cleaned while with me!

Since our breakup youve made efforts to continue to emotionally abuse me, just like you did our entire time together, escalating as time went on.

How could i have been so good to you and you treated me the way you did? How can you sleep at night? Do you ever regret your behaviors and how badly you hurt me and horrified my life? Ive lost my apartment, have struggled to support myself. I was hospitalized because i was thinking about suicide and i reached out to you. Your response was that Im a liar just like E, not asking if im ok. Zero empathy or compassion. My suicidal ideations were NOT to manipulate you. It was because i was devastated. I loved and cared so deeply for you. I was think of asking u to be my wife this coming summer.

Even saying all this, please know that Im doing my best to forgive you, widh you the best and happiness. Youd asked me to talk to your therapist and psychiatrist to share with them how your mood disorder affected me. Thats the preliminary diagnosis the doctor had come up with. You were due to take an intense mental exam and look into possible brain damage from alcohol/drug abuse.

I am not a doctor but since we broke up out of a desire to make sense of everything that happened, Ive done exhaustive research and Im confident you have either Borderline Personality or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These are both treatable but require you to want/commit to  intensive psychotherapy and theres meds that can help as well. One of the worlds best facilties for these disorders is McLean Hospitals Gunderson program for women.