Not sure how to deal witrh this one

[foggydew]

BPD person spent the weekend with me, massively under the influence of alcohol, and was a pain in the neck. When we were driving back, he constantly told me to overtake, change gear, etc, etc, when it was totally inappropriate. At one point I was able to tell him to shut up, and he apologised (very unusual). Later there was the usual ' you always know best, even when you have no idea' accusation.

Ok, that is all standard, and I generally can ignore it or deal with it. However, when we were discussing it, he told me that he wants to provoke, and the less I react, the more he wants to provoke. He wants me to shout at him. He says he has never seen me angry or emotional, and he wants this. Well, when I am driving, I don't want to get angry or emotional, because my attention has to be somewhere else. I have no intention of fulfilling his wishes in such a situation. But in other situations? For me that is losing control, and it is not generally part of my personality. On the other hand, if he really needs this to get himself under control and stop provoking me? This is the main question worrying me at the moment ... though there are lots of others... .

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[Stalwart]

Hey foggy:

Does he say how you're coming back in battle will improve the situation?

In my experience it only worsens it so I really can't understand where that would be a good thing and think you are probably doing the wiser of two choices tempering your anger and responses. I don't know what happens if you do confront and provoke or engage in arguing?

[foggydew]

Thanks for that! I generally can make my own decisions, but I also think it is good to question your own standpoint sometimes. My feeling is that such a situation will only escalate... .it's good to find someone else of the same opinion. But criticism is also helpful

[Stalwart]

Foggy I'm usually the first one to step face up on constructive criticism. It is how we see from another person's standpoint and then can relate to how we can address the concerns. Great stuff and useful communications. In that context to get away from the harshness of the word criticism let's just call it critiquing :-)

It's when it is simply destructive criticism that I don't engage. It can only turn out destructive in our cases.

[gotbushels]

Hi foggydew

Sharing. Hope it helps.

[... .]

Ok, that is all standard, and I generally can ignore it or deal with it.

[... .]

Good job.

[... .] he told me that he wants to provoke, and the less I react, the more he wants to provoke. He wants me to shout at him. He says he has never seen me angry or emotional, and he wants this.

[... .]

The apparent 'need' to get a reaction parallels my experience. From what I understand, it's normal for pwBPD.

[... .] On the other hand, if he really needs this to get himself under control and stop provoking me? This is the main question worrying me at the moment ... though there are lots of others... .

Use a boundary. Effective if done properly. Saves energy.

---

I read this to be your situation.

(1) He is creating poor behaviour.

(2) He wants you to reward it.

The 'reward' is: he successfully creates a negative emotional / physical response from you.

If you perform what he asks, that is perhaps a combination of three things:

(1) improper validation,

(2) enabling,

(3) rewarding the negative behaviour.


---

" if he really needs this to get himself under control and stop provoking me"

They seem to theoretically 'need' it. Yet, most appropriate action is dealing with this 'need' skilfully.

'Reciprocating' undesirable behaviour is feeding a pwBPD's problems. This almost always worsens problems.

You mentioned he has "never seen [you] angry or emotional". Don't show him you can be a quenching source.

If he indeed is a pwBPD, you're perhaps best served by simply knowing the stove is hot. Don't touch it.

[foggydew]

Wow... .thanks, Gotbushels. That was really helpful. You have given me the impetus I needed to keep up the way I want to go. Yes, I have to work harder at boundaries - something that has been a problem all my life, I guess. But if it is really important to me I can implement a boundary.

Your insight on the reward aspect is very interesting... I hadn't seen it like that before. I will certainly try not to provide this reward... .however, I think that it is ok to occasionally show I have feelings. I'm not superhuman. The few times I really have gone over the edge it worked. But it was never as an immediate result of his behaviour; there was always a time lapse between. My pot had to boil first...

I really can't talk about these things with closer friends or family... they really have no idea. I'm so glad (but also sorry!) that there are people on here with experience who share their thoughts.

Stalwart, critiquing is just fine with me! :-) A rose by any other name... .

[Chilibean13]

My H LOVES it when I lose control and just lay into him. I hate it when I do. I feel embarrassed. Out of control. And that my behavior is no better than his behavior. He tells me that when I rage at him it means that I'm actually being honest. I personally think it confirms in him what he is feeling in himself. Sadly though, it works with him. He calms down almost immediately. He is willing to listen and work things out. For awhile in our relationship I found myself getting into this habit because it was the only thing that could stop his rage. I had to stop it. That's when I found this site.