Exhausted

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all. Recently joined after reading up on BPD and suspecting my SO has this condition. At first, I thought perhaps SO was just narcissistic but then read on BPD and I'd say SO has about 98% of those traits. SO is not in therapy yet, but wants to get help, so once insurance kicks in, hopefully they will start seeing a therapist.

Anyway, I feel conflicted at this stage in the game. We've been together a few months and in that time-frame we have had weekly, sometimes daily, struggles. In that time, SO has ended things with me no less than 6 times, but eventually working through things.

I know no one on these forums can diagnose anyone but I just want to share my observations thus far, and see if it sounds like BPD (perhaps with other comorbidities), and if anyone has any advice. I am so close to throwing in the towel, because frankly I do not know how much more I can tolerate. I feel like I am starting to go crazy!

This is a list of things in no particular order that I have noticed/experienced in the last few months:

SO feels (in their words) empty, worthless, useless, depressed, "too many tabs open in brain"

SO is insanely jealous and insecure. Has gone so far as to 'stalk' my exes on social media, has sent any friends of mine of opposite sex friend requests on Facebook, constantly asks if any friends (3 total!) of opposite sex have contacted me. Told me early on that they wanted to know each/every time a friend contacted me. I have complied, going so far as to repeat any conversation to SO verbatim. I have stopped taking calls or returning texts to any friends of opposite sex but SO still asks about it at least weekly.

Admitted to driving by my house early on in our relationship to check on my whereabouts after we'd had an argument. Admitted to going by their ex's house and sitting outside to see if their ex was telling truth about their whereabouts.

SO tries to turn every argument back on me, despite them causing 99% of said arguments. Things will be going along fine, then something as simple as me using a 'wrong word/term' can set off a series of events that eventually results in SO deciding to end all conversation for however long they deem fit. The majority of our arguments stem from their incessant questions about any perceived threat from the friends I no longer talk to, and/or their other insecurities.

Currently our only form of communication outside of being in person is through a chat program, and SO constantly deletes program/app thereby leaving no way to get ahold of them in timely manner unless I drive to see them. Refuses to reply to emails, citing that they don't check email for hours at a time. When I question this deletion of only form of communication, SO says they are giving me the 'freedom to leave', which I've never asked for.

SO repeatedly creates accounts on social media, then deletes them, then creates new ones. In the event that I deactivate my Facebook (out of sheer frustration at the constant mind games), and reactivate my account, SO expects me to notify them that I am back on, even though they have no active account, and says it's 'sketchy' that I don't alert them to my account being active again. SO has googled my screennames for various sites. SO has brought up any pins I've pinned on Pinterest and anything I have liked on Facebook.

SO threatens suicide. In past (years before I knew them) they attempted suicide. When I ask about this, I am told they would never actually go through with it but that they do wish daily that they would just die. Has talked about how in past relationship things got so bad they thought of harming their SO though they never did.

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Sorry for the long post but I swear I am at the end of my rope. I don't know that I even want to hold on. I love SO and want the best for them, but I don't know that I can keep going through this on a daily basis.

I feel like I have been as reassuring as possible. I feel like I have gone above and beyond what anyone else in SO's life has ever done. I just cannot see spending years of my life walking on eggshells, having to actually give serious thought to how I phrase things as to not upset SO, having to spend years being accused of things I have never once done. SO is so worried about being abandoned but yet they're one that is constantly pulling away and giving the silent treatment.

I really just needed to vent and get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.

[iamexhausted]

Hi all. Recently joined after reading up on BPD and suspecting my SO has this condition. At first, I thought perhaps SO was just narcissistic but then read on BPD and I'd say SO has about 98% of those traits. SO is not in therapy yet, but wants to get help, so once insurance kicks in, hopefully they will start seeing a therapist.

Anyway, I feel conflicted at this stage in the game. We've been together a few months and in that time-frame we have had weekly, sometimes daily, struggles. In that time, SO has ended things with me no less than 6 times, but eventually working through things.

I know no one on these forums can diagnose anyone but I just want to share my observations thus far, and see if it sounds like BPD (perhaps with other comorbidities), and if anyone has any advice. I am so close to throwing in the towel, because frankly I do not know how much more I can tolerate. I feel like I am starting to go crazy!

This is a list of things in no particular order that I have noticed/experienced in the last few months:

SO feels (in their words) empty, worthless, useless, depressed, "too many tabs open in brain"

SO is insanely jealous and insecure. Has gone so far as to 'stalk' my exes on social media, has sent any friends of mine of opposite sex friend requests on Facebook, constantly asks if any friends (3 total!) of opposite sex have contacted me. Told me early on that they wanted to know each/every time a friend contacted me. I have complied, going so far as to repeat any conversation to SO verbatim. I have stopped taking calls or returning texts to any friends of opposite sex but SO still asks about it at least weekly.

Admitted to driving by my house early on in our relationship to check on my whereabouts after we'd had an argument. Admitted to going by their ex's house and sitting outside to see if their ex was telling truth about their whereabouts.

SO tries to turn every argument back on me, despite them causing 99% of said arguments. Things will be going along fine, then something as simple as me using a 'wrong word/term' can set off a series of events that eventually results in SO deciding to end all conversation for however long they deem fit. The majority of our arguments stem from their incessant questions about any perceived threat from the friends I no longer talk to, and/or their other insecurities.

Currently our only form of communication outside of being in person is through a chat program, and SO constantly deletes program/app thereby leaving no way to get ahold of them in timely manner unless I drive to see them. Refuses to reply to emails, citing that they don't check email for hours at a time. When I question this deletion of only form of communication, SO says they are giving me the 'freedom to leave', which I've never asked for.

SO repeatedly creates accounts on social media, then deletes them, then creates new ones. In the event that I deactivate my Facebook (out of sheer frustration at the constant mind games), and reactivate my account, SO expects me to notify them that I am back on, even though they have no active account, and says it's 'sketchy' that I don't alert them to my account being active again. SO has googled my screennames for various sites. SO has brought up any pins I've pinned on Pinterest and anything I have liked on Facebook.

SO threatens suicide. In past (years before I knew them) they attempted suicide. When I ask about this, I am told they would never actually go through with it but that they do wish daily that they would just die. Has talked about how in past relationship things got so bad they thought of harming their SO though they never did.

-------------

Sorry for the long post but I swear I am at the end of my rope. I don't know that I even want to hold on. I love SO and want the best for them, but I don't know that I can keep going through this on a daily basis.

I feel like I have been as reassuring as possible. I feel like I have gone above and beyond what anyone else in SO's life has ever done. I just cannot see spending years of my life walking on eggshells, having to actually give serious thought to how I phrase things as to not upset SO, having to spend years being accused of things I have never once done. SO is so worried about being abandoned but yet they're one that is constantly pulling away and giving the silent treatment.

I really just needed to vent and get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.

[snowmonkey]

Hi iamexhausted,

I am exhausted too. I regret to inform you, that if you are exhausted after a few months you will be comatose in a few years.

I feel for you, for the battle that is ahead. I also know that it doesn't matter what words I write here, you can only understand the pain that you are going to suffer over the coming years once you've lived it. I am sorry, but it gets no better. Those magical moments you shared in the beginning will become less and less frequent, the arguments and rages will become more so and intensify. You will still love her, and still long for the beautiful woman that you 'just know is inside'... .and you will be trapped in a life that is partly of your own making.

Don't be tempted to think that you are special and you can get her better, don't be tempted to think that she is the only person you can find happiness with and don't be tempted to think that the love you share with her is so unique and beautiful that it can overcome all. These are the thoughts of a narcissist (of which many of us partners of pwBPD have some traits).

If I knew what I know now, after being with my BPD GF for 3 years, I would have left a long, long time ago. I never thought I would find someone as perfect as her and make such an intimate connection as we did. But I was fooling myself, I was still being idealised by her. I have lost three years and yet I continue to fool myself that we can still make it work.

The problem is; the longer you stay, the more you feel you have invested and the harder it is to let go. You have only one life, don't waste it.

Run now my friend, run like wind, waste not another moment on these message boards, where you can spend a thousand lifetimes searching for the answers to make everything ok. You cannot make everything ok, it is not in your hands. Nor, to be honest, is it in your partners hands. She is who she is, she will never be different. She can no more change her personality than she can decide to grow a foot taller.

Do something for me? Print this response. Read it many times, keep it with you until you are free. At least I will know that my suffering has not been in total vain. I may have saved someone else from a fate that I am too weak to save myself from.

I hope soon that you will no longer be exhausted.

[Caley]

I just needed to vent and get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.

Sounds like a tough mix for you and you'll get plenty of support here if you need it.

I'd be careful, and mindful, that in an effort to diagnose someone's 'condition' that you don't separate the 'condition' from the 'person'. Whatever condition they may have ... it is a part of their make up as a person. It is easy to fall into the trap of 'blaming' a condition or dysfunction which absolves them of responsibility for poor behaviour and can serve to alleviate any contribution you may have made that has led to such an extreme and exhausting dynamic.

Jealousy and insecurity have a basis, are rooted and arise from something else. I would say that the root of the problems might be found in her inability to trust. Either to trust you or herself. Her attempts to monitor and control your every movement, to vet and screen your friendships and other relationships is a clear sign of this. She has expressed herself to you that your friendships are a threat to her feelings of security within your relationship. In a bid to alleviate her fears you have withdrawn from your friendships (you are now voluntarily isolating yourself). In effect ... you are rewarding her unfounded fears by disengaging from valued friendships. She has found a way to make herself feel less insecure even though there wasn't a threat in the first place. For her, this works ... so her method is effective. It doesn't work for you though ... and it'll get worse if you don't address this and accept that you might be in error too.

Please don't take her actions as conscious efforts to control and manipulate ... it is very likely she isn't consciously aware that she's doing this ... if she was, she would see that she is slowly killing off the love you have for her and eventually leave in order to look after your own emotional well-being.

When she says, 'freedom to leave' ... this is another subtle form of control. She has made a move to create distance by inviting you to take an initiative to leave. This might make you feel like, if you were to leave, it would mean you didn't care (which, of course ... you do, very much). She knows this about you ... and she knows you want to make things right and so her words are an empty attempt to make you feel unsettled. Is your head spinning?

If you really just want to vent ... it's OK. This is a safe and accommodating place to do that (it does sometimes seem though that many mindsets here are of an 'us and them' attitude - which I find a recipe for self denial and doesn't help to remove the stigmatism unfairly attached to pwBPD - it doesn't help them or us, long term).

However, if you are seeking advice ... I can offer you this. Invest in yourself first. Book a session with a qualified and experienced therapist who has oodles of knowledge about relationship and communication skills ... and go on your own (for you). Your SO doesn't appear to have the skills to lead. In my experience (and I can only speak from my direct experience - others draw upon their own and come to their own conclusions) these people are tacitly asking to be led ... so it is within your power to learn how to lead and direct, to adapt and prevail. And, a 'good' therapist can help you do that ... but make sure you pick a 'good' one because that can be a lucky dip too and not all operate objectively.

Best wishes ... you sound like a strong person which comes through in your words.

Remember ... Your self esteem and self respect first, your strengths and weaknesses first, your boundaries and limitations first.

YOU FIRST ... (in the most unconceited way) ... because you were all you were given, you are all that you have and it is with you that you have to live the rest of your life with. Be your best friend first before anyone else.

[Ms.Perfect]

That is probably how GF of that guy I know is thinking … Feel sorry for you.

Hopefully things will be better. Wish you be strong.

[gotbushels]

Hi iamexhausted,

I am exhausted too. I regret to inform you, that if you are exhausted after a few months you will be comatose in a few years.

[... .]

snowmonkey your post was so poetic! The opening line was hilarious. Thank you!

[Euler2718]

In that time, SO has ended things with me no less than 6 times, but eventually working through things.

SO is insanely jealous and insecure. Has gone so far as to 'stalk' my exes on social media, has sent any friends of mine of opposite sex friend requests on Facebook, constantly asks if any friends (3 total!) of opposite sex have contacted me. Told me early on that they wanted to know each/every time a friend contacted me. I have complied, going so far as to repeat any conversation to SO verbatim. I have stopped taking calls or returning texts to any friends of opposite sex but SO still asks about it at least weekly.

When I question this deletion of only form of communication, SO says they are giving me the 'freedom to leave', which I've never asked for.

SO threatens suicide. In past (years before I knew them) they attempted suicide. When I ask about this, I am told they would never actually go through with it but that they do wish daily that they would just die. Has talked about how in past relationship things got so bad they thought of harming their SO though they never did.

OK, so here's our common ground (yours and mine) -- I only had my BPDxgf for about 5 weeks. Every week (I think really EVERY week) she would want to break up, and I talked her out of it (except the last time). Very exhausting, though you don't realize it maybe so much at the time. Also, of course, I assumed it was due to doubts that I could calm through patient reassurance.

Insane jealousy. Ditto. I actually deleted girls (who were exes or friends or work related) from my phone, but after the breakup re-added them. It felt a bit wrong -- yes? Anyway, yah, to keep her happy I guess I was gonna have to avoid females, except for work-related things only.

"Freedom to leave" -- mine always said -- "if either of us finds someone better, we should feel free to go be with that person" or some such nonsense. distancing. also very relationship-destabilizing. Later her brother told her to stop that so she did. I think she thought she was no good and didn't want to be responsible for holding on to me and sucking me down into the pit.

Suicide -- she hinted at this at times. They don't go into this at the beginning, and she only hinted. Never sure how to respond.

Good luck whatever which way you go! I couldn't see myself walking on eggshells forever, but I thought counseling, my love, time in the relationship, etc. etc. would fix it. We'll never know, of course, since it's over. But if you look at the other postings, it's grim.

Also, if you're wondering if he/she's really BPD or not, there are symptoms and descriptions of the disorder here somewhere. The morbid jealousy is NOT called out specifically, but it is really a symptom of fear of abandonment. She felt she wasn't worth it, so she always felt threatened.

[TheCodependent1]

The reply from Snowmonkey should be pinned to the front page for it recognizes the deep desire to help and heal our love, but gives us a heavy does of reality, that a relationship with a person suffering with BPD is pure misery with no other desired outcome than your own free fall into their abyss.