Feeling Drained

[Corpal74]

Being the peacemaker in the family is particularly draining right now.

With my undiagnosed BPD mom, I was so happy with the way things were going the past little while. I have been working so hard not to step on any landmines and diffuse many bad situations (which I think I have mastered very well) Then out of nowhere it happens. Most of the time I can handle it and it is fine. My triggers have been pushed a little bit and I said she needs help (in not a very nice way). She just yelled and yelled, making up up lie after lie. These things don't even resemble the truth. That is my trigger. I felt trapped. Most of the time I don't say anything and feel disturbed for days. This is because these are things that were so traumatising for me and it gets turned into something I did (that isn't twisted but literally did not happen). I think when she is angry she forgets what happened after a certain amount of time and just remembers she was mad so she just makes it up. Her stories change every time. She knows who her villain is and she will paint them as evil as she wants to at the moment, even though they usually were being perfectly nice to her.

I am just so very tired, not of but from, trying to be peaceful with her and others in the family. I really don't like fighting. I would tell her that I am trying to make our relationship work, but that reminds me of the lies she would say. "I try and try and all everyone ever does is this and this and nobody cares", or something like this. Sometimes she adds a "maybe I should just kill myself". How could I say I feel like I am trying when she feels the exact same but I am the one doing everything wrong. That conversation isn't going to happen.

I could probably phone and make peace. Pull something out of my hat. Explain to her so carefully that I really didn't mean to put words in her mouth and that I am so sorry if I came across that way. I can't mentally do it at this moment. I just feel exhausted. I don't want to get attacked right now.

A normal relationship consists on giving others happiness and feeling happy yourself. With her when I give her happiness... .it just leaves me.

I just need a little peace for myself.

[nowitmakessense]

It is exhausting.  Your mother rages and attacks you even though you have done everything in your power to "walk on eggshells" and not upset her.  It is so hard to have a parent with BPD.  You never know when they are going to just flip out, and when they do they only see the world through their lense, a lense which is often cloudy and skewed, so that things are not seen as they truly are.  I wish you didn't have to go through this, it is so difficult to not be able to speak your truth because you know if you do it will just make her rage even more.  Breathe, you always have that tool.  It sounds cliche but it really does to help calm your nerves.  Try to avoid her if possible.  And do something nice for yourself.  She is not capable of giving you the love that you need right now, so give it to yourself.  Take care 

[koseligb]

*Hugs*

I get it. So much that your post brought tears to my eyes, because I felt like I could have written it. I'm so tired of the fact that there's always some conflict every holiday, every time we get together with my parents (dad and uBPD mom), every big family event, and even if there isn't conflict, there was at the very least the uncomfortable "weirdness" from feeling an emotional episode brewing but from working hard to diffuse it.

Thank you for sharing. When I read posts like yours, it really helps me validate the fact that I'm not a terrible daughter.  Like nowitmakessense said, take some time to do something nice for yourself.