Jox
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 84
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« on: March 03, 2016, 09:28:23 PM » |
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It all started reading a book Women who love too much. But let me start few years back - Ayahuasca.
As you can read from my previous posts with working with psychedelics, I wrote only about him, but I did them along the way myself too, and now here is my story.
The first treatment with Ayahuasca as well as many more, doing it about 2 x a month, were horrible: visually, emotionally... .The message was that I am a human rug, that I let things be done to me that can't be allowed, that this is wrong, that I can't allow others to emotionally destroy me. This is hard to explain but I was in virtual hell for many treatments, even years. I would feel better in daily life, but continuing work with Aya, the message was in daily life and I was aware that he is really a using me emotionally.
We were doing many 10 days vipassana meditation, even though that I meditate 30 years inZen and now in vipassana technique, the meditation didn't give me,the insight of what is going on, yet the plant was insistent that I was destroying myself by allowing this pathology and that I am literally mentally sick.
That was the dynamic I was living, as you can see I was not able to brake through even though all was laid out for me.
Until reading Women who love too much. I don't know was it the years of Ayahuasca work, but I got enlightened if you wish:
1. I started to look at myself as emotionally empty person who doesn't know what do I need to feel good.
2. Understood that my past my family was dis functional and very sick, not,easy to see since my mother was workaholic BUT academic researcher in molecular,biology, and I was neglected child, just didn't exist, no bad no good,,nothing.
3. I could track that I am codependent, but not as described in this forum but as in a book mentioned.
Somehow in few days reading a book I understood I have a completely personality crisis, and I actually told him:- I am in crisis, I don't feel good at all. Then I was in small commercial center on the Oaxaca cost and understood " I immediately need help". This time from clarity that is destroying me literarily.
I found Neuroticus Annonimus. I had been in analysis,,so this felt like a joke, I,am with taxi drivers, Zapotec natives... .But I got help from a guy who was very supportive, but on the other side I didn't need a therapist, it was all,clear to me, I needed to talk it out.
A part from working on myself, I was talking about leaving him for about two months almost daily. THIS was fundamental for the peace I feel now, just 4 days without him and not looking back at him. I just want to add that in the past in a relationship with a cocaine addict ended in his death. This made me think that it will happen again.
Well I let go of all that guilt, and said to me it is his path, can't do more.
To finish it all up, I was given a book by Alice Miller, even though it rattled me,,it was already in that direction.
If interested more of what I exposed: ask me, I will start a blog on all this.
Best to all
Jox
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