Acceptance and questions

[Depression = 72% of members]

Okay so after 3 years of on & off therapy, I have realized that I am co-dependant. I partly had the tendency due to my upbringing and culture and the BPDH's dysregulations were like a nail in the coffin coz I got married at 23!

But my uBPDH has reduced raging a whole lot vut I can sense that destruction it has caused in our r/s and intimacy issues. For 13 years I was focusing on fixing him & his issues given my co-dependancy but now I shifted the focus to me. All this led me to my own inner-self and Instarted reading the book Co-dependency no more and am setting goals, realizing my role in the r/s and in life and would like to have a heart to heart talk with my BPDH who has turned down seeing a T which I am now okay with coz I have the right to control only my life. I'm quite close to my BPDH and he turns his pain inward these days... .I end up getting the ST and it stops there... .Given the reduction in raging wants me tonwork things out to the best I can. So I can't wait to share my changed views and goals with him.

Given all your experiences, what should I brace myself with? I really do no want to withhold any of my insight about myself coz I need the aunthenticity in our r/s.

[waitingwife]

Okay so after 3 years of on & off therapy, I have realized that I am co-dependant. I partly had the tendency due to my upbringing and culture and the BPDH's dysregulations were like a nail in the coffin coz I got married at 23!

But my uBPDH has reduced raging a whole lot vut I can sense that destruction it has caused in our r/s and intimacy issues. For 13 years I was focusing on fixing him & his issues given my co-dependancy but now I shifted the focus to me. All this led me to my own inner-self and Instarted reading the book Co-dependency no more and am setting goals, realizing my role in the r/s and in life and would like to have a heart to heart talk with my BPDH who has turned down seeing a T which I am now okay with coz I have the right to control only my life. I'm quite close to my BPDH and he turns his pain inward these days... .I end up getting the ST and it stops there... .Given the reduction in raging wants me tonwork things out to the best I can. So I can't wait to share my changed views and goals with him.

Given all your experiences, what should I brace myself with? I really do no want to withhold any of my insight about myself coz I need the aunthenticity in our r/s.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waitingwife]

And with this new diagnosis or answer of codependency, I often oscillate between whether my suspicion of my H having BPD is fully true or was it only my imagination due to my issues And I think this oscillation is again coming from my codependency issues of maybe wanting to fix the true underlying problemmof BPD by blaming my codependency.

All this stuff is just so hard and confusing... .But I really want to be honest with BPDH about my issues and goal setting coz I want to grow as a person and in this r/s or atleast know if thisnis it!

[waitingwife]

Okay so I went ahead and confessed my role and new insight about being ir having become so codependent to my uBPDH. He was really very empathising and accepting about the whole new issue. It was very painful to talk about some of my emotional invalidation as a child and about my parent's marriage which was based on the "need to love each other" versus "want to live each other". But we got past that conversation with some tears and pain from my side and I told H that I really want to make amends to my relationship with him and others.

I told him my goal was to bring more intimacy and be very truthful about my feelings with him and asked him what his goal is. He did not have any goal and said I just am dealing with acceptance of my childhood and trying to focus on the good & happy go lucky person I was in childhood. He also said he believes in just "US" and not you, me and us. I told him I had ended up believing in that too and so was blaming him for my sadness or emptiness inside vut I really want to clearly seperate I, you and us in my r/s with him. He was okay with that and I felt relieved!

So I just feel a bit relieved that I shared this new change I am about to bring in myself with my partner!

[tryingsome]

pwBPD like to connect with emotions.

They love when their partner is vulnerable on an emotional level. They love that type of connection.

Just don't go intellectual on them, and they will listen to every issue you have.

They are good at being a crutch with the heart.

Sounds like things are going well?

[ArleighBurke]

WaitingWife: although the conversation went well, I'm not sure it's going to end well.

He said he also only believed in "US", not you/me/us. But he said he was willing to change that opinion?

I think his willingness will dissappear when you start taking care of yourself, and "letting" him make his own choices. pwBPD don't like responsibility - if there is only "US" then he can blame the YOU part of US when things go wrong. But if there is only him... .

He may also be very threatened when you express a different opinion to him.

I'm not trying to stop you - losing your co-dependance is a VERY good and healthy journey to take. Just be aware that it will cause a shift in the relationship and he will not take it well.

[waverider]

Often when you share insights about being 'messed up' yourself it can be validating for them as they feel less alone, and it normalizes being messed up. This brings out an empathetic sounding response. At the same time it exposes a channel of weakness they can project into when they are under pressure, the "understanding" can turn into exploitation very quickly.

While it is good to have these honest communication channels open keep an awareness about you in case this honesty starts to become twisted when the blame flinging starts.

We all have weaknesses, dont allow them to be inflamed into self doubt.

Waverider

[waitingwife]

Yes, I was and am a bit worried about how my weaknesses can be turned against me when the blaming phase starts. I know my real reasons for accepting my weaknesses and I am seriously working on them. There are times I feel really so alone because it is my fight but I think I have to keep filling in my emotional reservoir with the good stuff coming from ME more than US since I do want to stay in this marriage.

Yesterday after work, when he came home , we had a very neutral conversation. I had a pretty long day even thought I stay at home by with a kid in tow, life can get really busy. He had a long day at work and we just retreated in our comfort zone... .Not too much talking ... .

I am really trying to separate all the jumbled up intimacy we had and form a new level of healthy intimacy and it's so hard to do that. Sometimes , I feel sick to my soul to deal with such complications but then other days I am stronger.

My next personal goal is to get financially and emotionally independent.

[waverider]

My next personal goal is to get financially and emotionally independent.

You will be surprised just how much of a difference this will make

[waitingwife]

Yes, I really cannot wait for that. I am trying hard not to concentrate only on my r/s will be fixed by this change but atleast I'll be happy that I have bettered myself as a person by getting over my codependency issues and some of the painful coping mechanisms I had developed as a child. It is kinda sad on some days when I realize how I was in denial about my own issues and how I contributed to the dysfunctional dance... .How I wish I knew better ir dealt with this much earlier... .But I am just dusting myself off whenever I feel low or sad and trying to "take care" of myself to fill up my reservoir of self-esteem & self-worth so then I can go about my journey of finding my purpose and happiness. I could not give my T the answer to question of - whether am I happy? And that was the saddest moment in my last therapy session