Seeking some peace

[Allranuthin]

I found this new family because I am spending a significant amount of time researching... .looking for answers to so many questions. My seven year relationship with my partner D with Complex Ptsd, but I wholeheartedly suspect UBPD, ended with a sudden split of rage and vengeance.  It has been just over a month and I am reeling with emotions and confusion. Per her request through her parents, I moved all her things from the home we shared to their house.  Other than a seething email because she wanted more stuff, I Haven't heard anything in over three weeks.  The days seem to get harder not easier.  Was relieved when it first happened because she had become so unbearable to be around... .now I feel sad and lonely... .missing her.  Wondering where she is emotionally.  We had a pretty good life, outside of the "triggers". They usually stemmed from her FOO but then their overwhelming dysfunction slowly was projected on to me.  She is a professor and she teaches human behavior courses-her knowledge solidifies many of her distortions. I am Just seeking clarity... .and a semblance of peace... .she KNOWS she is ill and is comfortable with (almost comforted by) the CPTSD diagnosis.   It is far more complex than PTSD---I have a solid background in mental health.  She readily admits she needs help desperately, but doesn't think anyone can help... .she denies any possible PD.  Yet when she raged, had a probable psychotic break and left she said it was because I "was controlling, stole her identity, and had terrible anger issues... ." And every other bit of ugly that she exhibits when triggered... .none of which is true. At present I am wondering if SHE may be experiencing clarity again, too guilt ridden and shameful to reach out? I saw her dad when I moved her stuff three weeks ago and he told me she "is a mess" and he will help her get help. On Jan 4 she planned a trip to vegas for the last weekend in jan, she asked me to marry her out there... .I said we would get married after "we" got some help for all the instability... .we went to vegas, had a wonderful time.  The day after we returned, she split and I am all over the place emotionally.    That's the short version.  Missing her right now, love her and hate the illness.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Allranuthin,

Welcome and hello 

Thanks for telling your story. It has to be heart-wrenching to remove her belongings and wonder where she is at emotionally. It does seem there are many similarities with CPTSD and BPD. If I were given a choice, and struggled with these issues, I have to admit I would prefer a CPTSD diagnosis because it is far less stigmatizing.

People with BPD struggle with a lot of self-loathing and shame, and having a diagnosis like BPD can be especially challenging. They both struggle to maintain an inner equilibrium or what I once heard referred to as the black hole of trauma, or the failure of time to heal all wounds.

You mention that she began to project her FOO issues on you. It sounds like she was moving closer, becoming more intimate, and then that abruptly stopped and she pulled away with rage and vengeance. Perhaps she felt too engulfed as things became more intimate? That might explain the "you are controlling, you stole my identity" part.

When you have arguments or fights in the past, how did the two of you manage them? Who reached out first?

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds like a tough situation for you, Allranuthin

From my time here in these forums, I've found that labels like CPTSD or BPD can be helpful for understanding things and identifying patterns... .and talking about them here is one context where that works.

However, when it comes to your partner accepting or rejecting a diagnosis or a label... .that is a (potential) fight you really don't need to have.

Instead, focus her behavior, and what you can do to protect yourself from it, what reactions on your part make it worse, and what responses on your part make it better. If you find that the tools and knowledge you get here improve your relationship, that is what matters. I know I found that the tools I learned here helped improve mine.


... .seven years is a long time and a lot of history. Have you had breakups like this one with her before?