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Topic: Recently Let Go (Read 638 times)
tempest2016
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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Recently Let Go
«
on:
March 04, 2016, 03:43:29 AM »
Hi. I'm new here. I've just recently learned about BPD. I believe my ex-boyfriend fits the criteria.
I broke things off with him a little over a month ago and went nc. That was for me as I had tried to break things off before but it didn't work well. I'm feeling such pain from this decision. I love him very much, but his behavior was hurtful. It didn't start out that way. It was a progression. It was confusing. It started to make me very anxious and distrustful of him.
The words were still there, the I love you's and how very much I meant to him, etc. But the actions started to not match the words. There's a long back story, that of course he slowly revealed to me and by the time I got a good bit of the story I already cared so much for him that I gave it a chance.
He's really a good person, kind and funny, caring and good. But then he changed. He has struggled with addiction all his life, anxiety, abandonment issues. No long term relationships. One marriage that lasted six months and she cheated on him.
He went from that wonderful personality to a lot of anger, depression, pushing me away but asking me to wait for him. He was wonderful with his parents but is doing the same with them. Having trouble at work because of his temper. The same man who would look me right in the eyes and tell me how much he loved me started putting me down and saying hurtful things to me.
I have a teenage daughter that I have to think of also. I can't have that around her. And I don't know how to deal with it. I worry about him and of course I miss him terribly and feel horrible that I broke things off. I think about it every day and I cry over hurting him. I worry that he thinks I don't love him, that I did this to be mean. I know that he is a wonderful man who is suffering and I'm very sure it's BPD.
He meets almost all of the criteria. He's told me things about his life that he says he has not shared with anyone. It broke my heart. I am so afraid I've damaged him even more to save myself. I haven't spoken to him in almost two months. I blocked his number immediately. He has not attempted contact in any other way. So maybe it was best that I broke it off? Maybe that makes his life easier?
He became very involved in a group on line and with one woman in particular and that's when things got even worse. He becomes addicted to things, first it was alcohol (that was most of his life - he's in his 40's, then his Harley, then red bulls, shopping, then firearms, and now this group and all that goes with it.
I'm just very sad and confused.
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C.Stein
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #1 on:
March 04, 2016, 11:10:48 AM »
Welcome Tempest
I completely understand the conflict within you right now. Trying to reconcile the good person you see within them with the disordered person who is the one who eventually wins the control battle. It is something I have struggled with myself. I want to believe in the good within my ex but the hurtful things she does taints all that good and eventually brought me to my knees in almost every aspect of my life.
You should be proud of yourself for being able to recognize a situation that is unhealthy for you and for having the strength to remove yourself from that situation. Know that you are not responsible for his life, his happiness or his pain. His actions and behavior and the resulting consequences are his to own. As long as he continues to ignore his own internal issues nothing will ever change.
You are doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter right now. Believe in that and believe in yourself.
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Feelinstronger
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #2 on:
March 04, 2016, 01:08:17 PM »
Hello Tempest. Its good you reached out during this trying time. As I read your post it was so very similar to my situation. Had a mostly wonderful 5 year relationship with an incredibly great guy-we were far more compatible than I ever experienced before. Gentlemanly, helpful, faithful. Became close to his adult and teen children. Over the 5 years he ended things 8 times. He also had addictions, some abuse, a broken marriage-and explained that he had trust and commitment issues. SLowly over time his demeanor changed - no longer happy, but increased use of profanity, hostility, often ignoring me.
After the final breakup-over Christmas-I have struggled too. Only now, after about 10 weeks without him, am I just beginning to see the clouds part.
YOu were stronger than me-you chose to leave before you invested more years! How difficult for you, but give yourself credit for that strength and resolve. Being apart, with no contact, IS indeed painful. We have to adjust to a "new normal". It takes time, and distance, and yes, effort. I think you must be an amazing person and parent to have the foresight to remove yourself from someone you care for so deeply. For what its worth, I believe you made a responsible choice. May you soon find peace with your decision, and may wonderful things and people come your way.
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tempest2016
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #3 on:
March 08, 2016, 10:22:45 AM »
Thank you C.Stein and Feelinstronger for your input and encouragement. I was in a long term marriage and my xh cheated and left not only me but our d. I learned a lot from that regarding boundaries and to not make excuses for someone's bad behavior just because you care for them. He was diagnosed with major depression but refuses treatment and also denies there is anything wrong. I spent a lot of time researching and going to therapy to understand my faults and what he was going through. I learned a lot. I let go and moved on with my life and the lessons I learned from that helped me make the decision in this relationship.
The difference is the xh is in denial. My ex-boyfriend was not. When he did finally tell me about it he was very open and said he's been dealing with this for many years. He chose to self medicate for most of the years with alcohol. He had only stopped drinking the year before he met me. When I met him he was hooked on Red Bulls - up to 8-10 per day. After our relationship developed he quit those and went to a GP for meds for his anxiety. But that wasn't the best route, but he thought so and was so proud of it. Told me he was working on getting himself in order for himself and us. Of course, there was no therapy involved and he starting abusing the anti-anxiety meds.
Again, he knew he was doing it, told me he was and after a while made an appointment with another doctor to change the anti-anxiety meds and to add an anti-depressant. Again, no therapy. They didn't take him off the anti-anxiety meds, he was frustrated and made another appointment that he dragged me to. He was very open with the doctor, told him he was abusing the anti-anxiety meds, that when the dosage was increased on the anti-depressant it sent him spiraling - he told the dr. flat out that he is having homicidal thoughts. The dr. paid him no mind and told him to continue taking them.
At that point I suggested that he possibly should rethink just going to a GP and possibly a psychiatrist would be more in line to diagnose him properly, over see the right drug and therapy treatment. He agreed, even told his family that was the course of action he would be taking. But it didn't happen. I think he fell into the rabbit hole and couldn't get back out to see things clearly again.
This is when everything ramped up with the online group, when he started really pushing me away and saying mean things. My big screen tv in my living room was hit by lightning. I hadn't replaced it when one night he wanted to stop in and watch a movie and hang out a bit. I reminded him of the tv situation. His response, Oh, that's right, I forgot. That must suck for you and your d. I'll just go home and watch my big screen. Nice right?
That was the nicer of his nasty little comments that started coming out. Then it went to we are in a relationship, we are not in a relationship, back and forth, just all over the place. He had pushed me away so much that I just started doing my own thing. One night he had made plans to see me, but no showed and no call. I went out with friends and he calls very late saying he just got off work. Ok, a text or call earlier letting me know would have been nice but oh well. Says he's headed home and asks what I'm doing. I tell him and he gets mad at me. I guess I'm not supposed to have a life. This again is behavior that didn't happen before.
When my dad passed away in October I had to go out of state for that for a week. I called him after the services and he was very short with me. Said he was on with his group and didn't have time to talk to me. Again, not his normal behavior. And very hurtful to me. Then a call from him 2 days later wanting to know why I'm not keeping in touch. Back and forth, push and pull.
One night he was headed over to watch movies with me and my d. He called when he was leaving and I thought nothing more of it. Set my phone down in the other room and was making snacks. After an hour he still hasn't showed I go to call him and there are 9 phone messages and 5 texts. I call him and he's livid that I didn't pick up the phone, that he's been standing in front of Red Box for over 20 minutes not knowing what to do. I'm like, well, I thought you were on your way, just get a movie and come on over. He was completely over the top about it and pissed and said he didn't know if he should still come over since I wasn't answering the phone. That phone is an issue for him and that has been around since the beginning.
These are the small things that led to the bigger things he's done and said.
I guess the part that just hurts the most is to see him like he is and knowing he knows there's a problem but he can't quite find or doesn't want to find a direction that could be helpful. So instead he continues to hurt himself and the people that he loves and that love him. And if you try and talk to him about any of it he becomes defensive and pushes you away even further. His parents go through the same thing with him. The last time I saw them they tried to talk to him and supported the idea of the psychiatrist and different meds, but that led into this group he's involved with and he just got mad at his dad and the conversation ended.
And Feelinstronger - it wasn't that I was stronger than you by any means. I had just spent a lot of time before this relationship working on myself and learning a whole lot of what is acceptable to me in a relationship and what isn't. I don't think I would have been able to step away quite so quickly had I not been through the trenches with the xh.
Even with that knowledge I still struggle with it, too. I have him blocked but have kept all his texts and voicemails. I can't seem to delete them yet. I hope to get there in time.
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Lucky Jim
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #4 on:
March 08, 2016, 01:49:20 PM »
Excerpt
I guess the part that just hurts the most is to see him like he is and knowing he knows there's a problem but he can't quite find or doesn't want to find a direction that could be helpful. So instead he continues to hurt himself and the people that he loves and that love him. And if you try and talk to him about any of it he becomes defensive and pushes you away even further.
Hey Tempest, This is a good statement of what I regard as the paradox of BPD, i.e., that it's foolish to continue to attempt to help someone who fundamentally does not want to be helped (at least in most cases). Well said.
LuckyJim
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
tempest2016
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #5 on:
March 14, 2016, 04:09:32 PM »
I've been reading a lot on the boards and other information re: BPD. It is helpful to have an understanding of what happened and why at the end and does help me to understand I've made the best decision for myself and my daughter. But boy is it hard.
I'm almost 2 months in no contact. That will be the 23rd. I think I'm fortunate as he has not tried any method of contacting me. I have days where I'm pretty ok and days where I struggle not to contact him. That's what really makes my mind spin. I know I'm doing the right thing so you'd think this would be easier.
I'm thinking it's withdrawl. When the hard days hit they are pretty awful. I have to keep reminding myself of the negative behavior. It's a process I guess. Constantly reminding myself that I don't want contact as it will do nothing but set me back. I know why I do it, I want to know that he loved me as much as I loved him. I don't want to accept that it wasn't really love. That's something I need to figure out on my end. Why it feels so important to me.
But other than that I'm glad I'm still keeping to the no contact.
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Lucky Jim
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #6 on:
March 15, 2016, 11:11:16 AM »
Hey tempest, Like what you're saying. Yes, it is hard and is akin to breaking an addiction. You can see why many of us, including me, have gone through numerous recycles in order to alleviate the pain. I can confirm that you're on the right course, which leads to greater happiness. Yes, it is a process.
The reason why it feels so important, and this is just a guess, relates to the reason why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place. It's a worthwhile inquiry, in my view, and gets to the heart of one's issues.
My advice: stay the course. You're doing great and will come through it OK.
LuckyJim
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
tempest2016
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #7 on:
March 15, 2016, 10:38:10 PM »
Thank u LJ for that response. I think your right. I really need to figure this out. I keep thinking about it, trying to see what it is about me that led me in this direction. I can't quite get it figured out though. It feels like I'm just chasing my tail.
It was several months into our dating that I began to see red flags. But I chose to ignore them. It's what I do. If I care about someone I will make excuses for their bad behavior instead of saying something about it or putting out a stop sign for it. I did the same thing in my marriage. I put up with emotional abuse and made excuses for it.
I've been in therapy and have asked why I do this. I was told I see people as I see myself. I believe all people are good. My therapist told me I need to get straight with that. Not all people are good. I can't just go around believing that. All well and good, but doesn't really get to the heart of the matter of why I do it.
Believe it or not he cut me loose from therapy. He said I'm one of the most driven and self assured people he's met. I just trust too much. Well, that's great and all, but doesn't give me much to work with. Doesn't explain the pain of all this.
When I was young, before I married, I can tell you I dated a whole lot. And any guy that treated me the way my xh did or my xbfwBPD would have been down the road so quick their head would spin. And I wouldn't have thought twice about them. I struggled through my divorce, but I get that, that was 29 years, not easy to walk away from. But this experience with BPD has been the most damaging. The good times were great. I felt special and cared for in a way I never was even when I was married. And then like someone flipped a switch and it was all different. And then they would flip it again and back to the beginning we'd go.
It kept me off balance and confused. Especially when he'd tell me he had emotional problems and needed help. Whether they know they are doing it or not they really know how to get to your emotions.
So yes, still trying to figure out my end of this. I just don't know where to start.
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C.Stein
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #8 on:
March 16, 2016, 06:37:18 AM »
Quote from: tempest2016 on March 15, 2016, 10:38:10 PM
So yes, still trying to figure out my end of this. I just don't know where to start.
I think trying to understand this is a good place to start.
Quote from: tempest2016 on March 15, 2016, 10:38:10 PM
It was several months into our dating that I began to see red flags. But I chose to ignore them. It's what I do. If I care about someone I will make excuses for their bad behavior instead of saying something about it or putting out a stop sign for it. I did the same thing in my marriage. I put up with emotional abuse and made excuses for it.
I've been in therapy and have asked why I do this. I was told I see people as I see myself. I believe all people are good. My therapist told me I need to get straight with that. Not all people are good. I can't just go around believing that. All well and good, but doesn't really get to the heart of the matter of why I do it.
While I don't believe all people are good I do want to believe there is good within all people.
I also saw red flags in the beginning of my relationship and I brought them to her attention. I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt because I feel everyone deserves that at least once. Where I got into trouble is I continued to give her the benefit of the doubt and I stopped bringing red flags to her attention. This I believe was largely due to the FOG but also because I was experiencing a love induced denial.
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Lucky Jim
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #9 on:
March 16, 2016, 10:13:30 AM »
Excerpt
I keep thinking about it, trying to see what it is about me that led me in this direction.
Hello again, tempest, Right, that's the crux of the issue and worth exploring. Often, it has something to do with one's childhood. Usually there's a familiar dynamic or pattern that one is subconsciously drawn to. If you can identify it, you can avoid it in the future.
Sure, I ignored the red flags, too, but was afraid to confront my BPDxW about them because I knew it would trigger an emotional explosion, so instead I continued "walking on eggshells." This strategy of avoidance, however, takes a toll, in my view. It leads to an inauthentic life, or it did for me. I was basically living a lie, which doesn't feel good as time goes on.
LuckyJim
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
tempest2016
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #10 on:
May 23, 2016, 08:35:39 PM »
Well, I was doing well. He contacted me a few weeks ago. He said he understood why I ended things. He was in a bad place and he was sorry that he messed things up. He said he thought about us everyday and maybe we could start over. Said he was a lot better and continuing on that path. He sounded so much like that person I knew for a while. I caved. He said he wanted to show me no just say it how much he's changed.
He started out strong I'll give him that. Then right back to the way it was and even worse. I'm ok. A few tears here and there. But I didn't expect anything and so it didn't hurt quite so much. I didn't bother blocking anything this time or ending anything. There's nothing to end. I just keep doing my own thing. I'm pretty sure that threw him off. This time I didn't change anything to fit his schedule. The last I heard from him he texted me at almost 10 at night to see if we could spend some time together. Uh no. I was already out for the evening. My reply was Oh, wow, I'm already out. I wish I had known earlier as I would have liked to spend time with you. His reply, no worries, next time for sure. Be safe.
I haven't heard from him since. It does make me sad to know that inside all that mess is a wonderful man. But I've stepped out and all I can do is hope for the best for him and get on with my life. And no matter how much he's hurt me I do hope for the best for him. BPD and addiction just suck. For everyone.
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Ahoy
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #11 on:
May 24, 2016, 12:22:47 AM »
Quote from: tempest2016 on May 23, 2016, 08:35:39 PM
I haven't heard from him since. It does make me sad to know that inside all that mess is a wonderful man. But I've stepped out and all I can do is hope for the best for him and get on with my life. And no matter how much he's hurt me I do hope for the best for him. BPD and addiction just suck. For everyone.
I like this quote. It's sad because I think most of us see a beautiful person inside our BPD's. I'm not 100% sure whether that's her true personality or mirroring, the optimist in me thinks its the 'real' her.
Regardless, as is so common, the bad far outweighs the good. Memories of these good times are also tainted by her reckless and destructive behaviour.
I miss this 'good' person so damn much some days, however there are SO MANY healthy people in this world that only ever have this 'good' side to them, there isn't such a gigantic ying/yang of behaviour, and that's why detaching is so important, to me anyways.
Feel better mate.
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Fr4nz
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Re: Recently Let Go
«
Reply #12 on:
May 24, 2016, 06:59:17 AM »
They're both the bad and the good parts; that's why it is so hard the aftermath, among other things.
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