At the end of the path. Circular arguments, 100% blame, manipulation, lying and attacks are part of everyday life. He thinks he's a golden person that has done nothing and he wants me to say I believe him or he will continue to threaten to leave but won't and will constantly try to hurt me. Very long term relationship with kids. Noticeable symptoms arrived about 8 years ago. All centered around me (thank goodness, no one else takes the brunt of it).
Question: Is it wise to think that if I choose to go along with his emotions and validate them, will it lead me to a place where he might be willing to get help or am I fooling myself? Also, how realistic that it can ever get better?
I am sorry to hear how hard this has been, I can relate having been in a similar situation for a long time.
The hardest thing is to stop reacting and looking at them, and turning the focus to yourself.
Most of us balk at this at first... .and then start to try to do that... .and even then, it's about doing things we think will illicit the change we want to see in them. That is other-focused, still. So, it's the same thing, with a different twist on it. Here's how I ended circular arguments 100% of the time in my life. I stopped participating in them. I wasn't there for them. I didn't show up for them. I didn't respond to them. Done. That was totally and utterly within my control, it required no change in my partner, nor did it require he get or seek help. I can't change another person or how they think and perceive the world. I can only take care of myself.
Is it wise to think that if you choose to go along with his emotions and validate them, it will lead YOU to a place where HE might be willing to get help?
Firstly, let's break down the assumptions in the question.
Validating a person's emotional states is NOT the same as going along with them. Please read up on the tools offered here about emotional validation. It simply means "really getting" another person's private inner world and showing that person you get it... .it has nothing to do with AGREEING with them or going along with them. Validating another person's emotional states well... .is what builds connection and trust between two people... .they can still not see eye to eye on everything, but they "feel felt" and understood, which trumps agreement... .usually things calm right down when a person "feels felt". It feels good to both people. But it's hard to do b/c you have to hold onto yourself and stop arguing facts/logic.
If your focus is on doing things that may change him or lead him to 'get help'... .I'd say this focus will continue to leave you feeling frustrated and disempowered. Focus on what you can do to take care of yourself instead. Give yourself help, instead of focusing on his need for help. Minute by minute. Learn how to manage yourself when in the presence of VERY challenging others (not just him) and to hold onto yourself in the face of strikingly, absurdly differing opinions (some of them about you) and keep your own boundaries (I don't participate in circular arguments is a personal boundary) and you will start to see some very positive changes.
Keep posting. There's lots of help here.
