should I tell her I am really sorry and that I should have controlled myself?

[byfaith]

Ok,

when we got into our screaming match Tuesday night a lot of bad stuff was said from both sides. Since then she has detached herself from me probably the worst in 2 years since she left me for a month.

I am stronger now though

What she was hearing from me in our fight was that I was packing my stuff and leaving. I said was removing myself from her life because I can never be the man she wants me to be so the only solution is to leave.

after the yelling and screaming and threats to one another were over Tuesday night she was sitting out on the porch and I walked out and quietly told her I was so sorry for all the yelling. I said " I am really sorry for all the screaming, I really am" I just quietly walked back into the house. I got no response from her.

Should I tell her that I am sorry for driving the point of me leaving? I don't want to appear weak here but I don't want to be arrogant because I am not.

She was driving home the point I was such a pathetic loser that I reacted and then she reacted  blah blah blah

I am going to the MC today

I really am sorry for hurting her. She told me she would NEVER EVER trust me again.

pwBPD at least in my case do not accept apologies very quickly or at all... .and if she DOES she usually accepts it with BUT... .  why did you do it? why won't you accept responsibility? etc. so basically she is still trying to rub my nose in my mistake

[Texson]

Hello.

I am not an expert, just sharing what I see myself do:

I hear what you're saying about apologies to our loved ones with BPD.   (My partner doesn't seem to respect me any more if I apologize - I usually get the eyeroll or critical comment.  In the moment, it even seems to make things worse.)  That said, I believe if I have acted improperly - and for me, this includes yelling, screaming, language which tears down - then I should apologize for it.  It's the first step in taking responsibility for my actions which I sincerely value.  If I did the same thing to someone else, I would apologize for it - why should she be treated differently?

So, I apologize and in my spare time, keep practicing techniques to help me avoid the situations where we will be screaming at each other because that's not who I want to be.  I want to be calm, solid, loving and at peace with myself, even when she's attacking me.  That's my goal. (That said, I still lose my cool from time to time and I pray for grace and try again.  And again... .)

[byfaith]

Here is where I struggle... .I apologize and tell her I am sorry for what I said. After that IS going to come from her any number of things. I will be reprimanded for what I said.

Do I stand/sit there and listen? I know I don't want to engage or try to justify what I did.

What do I do when I hear all the bad feeling it gave her OR how bad of a person I am... .it is going to be something. I know I should do it in person and not over text


it's what I do with what she comes back with that is important to me

[Notwendy]

I don't have any advice, but I understand how human slip ups can become the crime of the century for which it seems there is no redemption on the part of the pwBPD.

This is because feelings are facts, and also because of black and white thinking. I don't think personally an apology changes this much for them, although it may help. One main reason to apologize would be for your own self if you feel you need to, but if you are going it with intention of changing them, I don't know it if it effective.

I have experienced doing a small mistake, or just standing up for myself ( which is not something wrong IMHO) resulting in an extreme reaction from my parents. There was just no forgiveness on their part no matter what I tried to say, until at some point they may decide to do it. My mother will still tell stories about some of the "terrible" things I did as a child, like if I threw up,I did it to her on purpose, not because I was a kid with a tummy ache.

I can recount numerous things that happened, well because I was human, and humans make mistakes. But for them, they were unforgettable and unforgivable no matter how slight. Now, I was a pretty good kid, made good grades, didn't do anything major, maybe a few teen shenanigans, but if my mother was upset,  it was the crime of the century to my parents.

You spent all day taking care of things for your wife, and you snapped. That's human but in the grand scheme of things, how terrible was this?  I think , perhaps, the focus should be on forgiving yourself, and accepting that you made a human mistake that is forgivable. It's your wife's disorder that makes it unforgivable.

[formflier]

Forgive yourself.  If she wants to talk about it in a respectful way, then perhaps you apologize then.

Focus more on respectful communication.

Avoid disrespect.

FF

[gotbushels]

Hi byfaith

I think forgiving yourself is a great idea from the two experts   


These might be helpful.

Think about the fights and outcomes before you go into the fight. I feel you aren't planning the fight. If you don't roughly see how it will pan out, it's going to stop you handling it more effectively.

With no disrespect to you, I actually felt a little bit of enabling going on in the situation. I tell you this not out of criticism, but I found that when I identified things like this, they really helped me a lot. I hope they can do the same for you.

[... .]

What she was hearing from me in our fight was that I was packing my stuff and leaving. I said was removing myself from her life because I can never be the man she wants me to be so the only solution is to leave.

[... .]

I really am sorry for hurting her. She told me she would NEVER EVER trust me again.

pwBPD at least in my case do not accept apologies very quickly or at all... .and if she DOES she usually accepts it with BUT... .  why did you do it? why won't you accept responsibility? etc. so basically she is still trying to rub my nose in my mistake

One of the big triggers for many pwBPDs is abandonment. That's a big deal. In fact it's the #1 criteria for diagnosis. Don't play with it! 

I would expect a pwBPD to react extremely strongly to fights around things like this.

So you can see that enabling a pwBPD can actually harm them.

---

Next, you said you were leaving but you didn't. 

You went back and apologised.

I feel that actually 'rewards' her behaviour in many ways. It encourages her own impulsivity if she is a pwBPD.

How have you set up your personal limits / boundaries about whatever started the screaming?

... .

Do I stand/sit there and listen? I know I don't want to engage or try to justify what I did.

What do I do when I hear all the bad feeling it gave her OR how bad of a person I am... .it is going to be something. I know I should do it in person and not over text


it's what I do with what she comes back with that is important to me

Basically, 4 things are not a good idea: defending yourself, denying things, attacking her back, avoid.

Engage = defend or attack, so probably not a good idea.

Justify = defend, so also no.

Validate.

Yes in person.

Remember not to validate incorrectly.

Be careful about your apologies. Implicit agreement that often is attached to an apology is actually an encouraging act.

--

I'm sorry I haven't followed your other posts and arguments, but it sounds like you are trying to move forward in many conversations / arguments without managing your partner. One thing I learned is I shouldn't ever try to 'move forward' on a conversation until I have heavily brought emotion to a manageable level.

How do you validate your partner's feelings before getting your point across?

---

[... .]

it's what I do with what she comes back with that is important to me

byfaith, if you are placing your feelings and responses based on an outcome she decides on, and she is a pwBPD, you are running a huge risk of placing yourself on a roller coaster. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Good luck and stay hopeful!

[byfaith]

thank you everyone for your input

A LOT has happened over the last 3 days... .and yes I have forgiven myself.

Right now we are in an "ok" place. There was a situation involving my wife's brother and her mother that took the focus off of our incident. My brother in law is now moved out of my house  . We kicked him out. There is major dysfunction between my wife, her mother and her brother. Long story.

Anyway I was the place of comfort for her to come back to. In her words to me "I had to come back to someone who isn't evil". I didn't play anything up on myself I just let her feel what she was feeling and I treated her kind over the past few days.

Now the hard work is coming. She goes to MC this Thursday and I will do everything in my power to not say anything that may trigger her just to make sure she goes to this first session. She did ask me " you are put out with me aren't you?" I said no... .but there are things I am going to talk about in MC that we seem to have problems discussing. She was ok with that.

   

[formflier]

  She did ask me " you are put out with me aren't you?" I said no, but there are things I am going to talk about in MC that we seem to have problems discussing. She was ok with that.

   

Very wise answer!