Hi byfaith
I think forgiving yourself is a great idea from the two experts
These might be helpful.
Think about the fights and outcomes before you go into the fight. I feel you aren't planning the fight. If you don't roughly see how it will pan out, it's going to stop you handling it more effectively.
With no disrespect to you, I actually felt a little bit of enabling going on in the situation. I tell you this not out of criticism, but I found that when I identified things like this, they really helped me a lot. I hope they can do the same for you.
[... .]
What she was hearing from me in our fight was that I was packing my stuff and leaving. I said was removing myself from her life because I can never be the man she wants me to be so the only solution is to leave.
[... .]
I really am sorry for hurting her. She told me she would NEVER EVER trust me again.
pwBPD at least in my case do not accept apologies very quickly or at all... .and if she DOES she usually accepts it with BUT... . why did you do it? why won't you accept responsibility? etc. so basically she is still trying to rub my nose in my mistake
One of the big triggers for many pwBPDs is abandonment. That's a big deal. In fact it's the #1 criteria for diagnosis. Don't play with it!
I would expect a pwBPD to react extremely strongly to fights around things like this.
So you can see that enabling a pwBPD can actually harm them.
---
Next, you said you were leaving but you didn't.
You went back and apologised.
I feel that actually 'rewards' her behaviour in many ways. It encourages her own impulsivity if she is a pwBPD.
How have you set up your personal limits / boundaries about whatever started the screaming?
... .
Do I stand/sit there and listen? I know I don't want to engage or try to justify what I did.
What do I do when I hear all the bad feeling it gave her OR how bad of a person I am... .it is going to be something. I know I should do it in person and not over text
it's what I do with what she comes back with that is important to me
Basically, 4 things are not a good idea: defending yourself, denying things, attacking her back, avoid.
Engage = defend or attack, so probably not a good idea.
Justify = defend, so also no.
Validate.
Yes in person.
Remember not to validate incorrectly.
Be careful about your apologies. Implicit agreement that often is attached to an apology is actually an encouraging act.
--
I'm sorry I haven't followed your other posts and arguments, but it sounds like you are trying to move forward in many conversations / arguments without managing your partner. One thing I learned is I shouldn't ever try to 'move forward' on a conversation until I have heavily brought emotion to a manageable level.
How do you validate your partner's feelings before getting your point across?
---
[... .]
it's what I do with what she comes back with that is important to me
byfaith, if you are placing your feelings
and responses based on an
outcome she decides on, and she is a
pwBPD, you are running a huge risk of placing yourself on a roller coaster. Don't be so hard on yourself!
Good luck and stay hopeful!
