Dumped Out of the Blue- Finding Some Sense From It

[codes316]

Hi everyone,

I figured I give a little backstory;  I'll try to keep it short! The Super Short Version is at the bottom!

I dated my ex for about a year. The first time I met her ever she broke up with her ex-boyfriend. She was in a real depressed state and was thinking of suicide a lot. I tried my best and helped her get through this difficult stage. She eventually did turn it around and we began to really hit it off. In this stage, we weren't official, but there were a few times where she had unprotected sex with random guys.

As time goes on the relationships turns into a lot of passion, emotion, and overall good energy. Towards the later half of the relationship, we begin to fight a lot. Over anything and everything. She would reel me into these fights by provoking me and then flip the script by guilting me and making me feel bad for fighting her. This happened once or twice a week and it got to the point where I just didn't want to say anything anymore when she had these moments.

Two months ago, she broke up with me with no forewarning and every time she gave a reason it was different and vague. As you can tell we were in "love" and it broke up my heart that all the times I put up with her and dealt with her BPD, anxiety, and depression that she could just walk away.  It was only until a few days ago after some counseling sessions that my counselor suggested that she may have BPD. She refuses to get counseling because she doesn't thinks she needs it. So, there is no formal diagnosis and we will never know what degree of BPD she might have. I understand that I might be part of a cycle for her. She dumped me exactly a day after her last ex boyfriend. I also do know that significant others with BPD can label you into a negative column. I'm not sure what I'm looking for or if I'm just venting.

Do people with BPD forever leave you in this negative column? Will I ever return back into the positive column? Does she ever feel remorse for what she has done?  Did she ever love me?

It may sound weird to say this and I really don't mean to offend anyone. It is hard to look at her the same way; sometimes I can see her as the person I fell in love it, but then see her behavior as BPD. I feel like I have no idea who she is anymore and the "love" was just a behavior patten that manifested from her BPD.

I feel terrible for saying this the moment she broke up with me I felt so angry and so hurt that she could do something like that without discussing it, I basically called her out for every and any insecurity she had. At the time, I had no idea if she have BPD. So, I really did hurt her   

I don't have any intention of being with her romantically and she has made that clear as well. I don't contact her anymore either. However, it would be nice to get answers or be at more peace with it.

Long Story Short:

Dated a girl who had depression, anxiety, and BPD. Dumped me with no forewarning a day after she dumped her last boyfriend despite being for her every single time and overlooking the fact that she slept with two guys with no condom on.

[Confused108]

Welcome ! I am so sorry you went they this. Sounds to me like the typical BPD behavior. Flipping the script ( it's all you) never them! It's your fault etc. the never take blame for anything or try not to take the blame. Picking fights is common. Cheating with ppl they don't know or know . Leaving you ( breaking up) out of the blue . Yup all the signs. Well you are not alone. My ex became BPD in out teen years after my mom broke us up.  She then found me on FB after 28 years and pulled the same $hit on me again. Left me with my head spinning and no remorse On her end. Did some of the same things . Pick fights where I was the one who started them. Not true. Flipped as you would say the script on me non stop. I was the one who needed cognitive therapy and she was fine. Then after writing me a letter and telling me how she could not live without me just dumped me thru an email no less just 2 days later. No warning . Nothing!  So do they come back? Some do , to try and recycle you. After its doesn't work out with your replacement. Some never come back. If I were you I would not look back. I know it hurts I know believe me. But go NO contact. It's the only way to heal.  Good luck.

[codes316]

Welcome ! I am so sorry you went they this. Sounds to me like the typical BPD behavior. Flipping the script ( it's all you) never them! It's your fault etc. the never take blame for anything or try not to take the blame. Picking fights is common. Cheating with ppl they don't know or know . Leaving you ( breaking up) out of the blue . Yup all the signs. Well you are not alone. My ex became BPD in out teen years after my mom broke us up.  She then found me on FB after 28 years and pulled the same $hit on me again. Left me with my head spinning and no remorse On her end. Did some of the same things . Pick fights where I was the one who started them. Not true. Flipped as you would say the script on me non stop. I was the one who needed cognitive therapy and she was fine. Then after writing me a letter and telling me how she could not live without me just dumped me thru an email no less just 2 days later. No warning . Nothing!  So do they come back? Some do , to try and recycle you. After its doesn't work out with your replacement. Some never come back. If I were you I would not look back. I know it hurts I know believe me. But go NO contact. It's the only way to heal.  Good luck.

Thank you for the reply. Honestly, means a lot. The hardest thing is accepting that I can't help her because I'm stuck in this negative column. Sometimes, I feel like reaching out to family members or friends of her and getting her the help that she needs.

[once removed]

hey codes316 and

im glad you found us and are reaching out for support. its really hard to experience someone we have loved shut us out. it can create a wound that can fester for a long time. i think you have the right attitude in not seeking these answers from her. learning about more about BPD will go a long way toward making sense of the insensible, and with time and processing, you will likely decide what the answers are, and what they mean to you.

She dumped me exactly a day after her last ex boyfriend.

you could be right - this may have been a highly triggering day for her.

Do people with BPD forever leave you in this negative column? Will I ever return back into the positive column? Does she ever feel remorse for what she has done?  :)id she ever love me?

there is no one size fits all. BPD is a spectrum disorder and each is unique, just as our relationships and their dynamics were unique. what you are referring to is known as "splitting", or "painting" a person black or white. sometimes it lasts forever. often it does not. often you may not know either way.

as for remorse: people with BPD struggle with immense shame, and frantic efforts to avoid feeling that shame. there are several maladaptive coping mechanisms that are highly developed around avoiding that shame. does she ever "feel bad" about it? maybe. i think remorse requires a certain self reflection, that people with BPD also struggle with for a variety of reasons.

"did she ever love me" is a frequently asked question here and understandably so, given the cold, often sudden nature of these breakups. my standard answer is usually something along the lines of "the best she could, and the best she knew how". people with BPD find their identity within a relationship - partners are seen as the end of their suffering, and this longing is desperate. sadly, this is a fantasy and it is not sustainable. it will ultimately be up to you to determine to what extent this person loved you, what it means, and if it meets your definition of love. but generally speaking, the feelings a person with BPD has for their partners are very intense - the negative and the positive. there is little in between.

It may sound weird to say this and I really don't mean to offend anyone. It is hard to look at her the same way; sometimes I can see her as the person I fell in love it, but then see her behavior as BPD. I feel like I have no idea who she is anymore and the "love" was just a behavior patten that manifested from her BPD.

i dont think its an offensive suggestion. i feel similarly. people with BPD have an unstable self image; "who they are" is inconstant. this too, will take some time for you to sort out and to separate. its easy to get caught up in what was "real" and what wasnt. i think it helps to remember that you were there, you experienced it, so it was certainly "real", but it wasnt sustainable.

I feel terrible for saying this the moment she broke up with me I felt so angry and so hurt that she could do something like that without discussing it, I basically called her out for every and any insecurity she had. At the time, I had no idea if she have BPD. So, I really did hurt her   [/u]

try not to kick yourself too hard for this. you were hurt and angry. there was likely a lot of resentment building on your end. whats done is done.

welcome again, please keep posting and asking questions. we are here for you 24/7.

[Confused108]

I tried to help my ex after I finally figured out what was wrong with her. Did not go well at all. She had already painted me black and clearly had no use for me period. She told me if I ever contacted her again she would get a restraining order out on me. I even contacted her sister about her and got nothing. So trying to help a person. With this awful personality disorder is like trying to Move Mt Everest!

[codes316]

hey codes316 and

im glad you found us and are reaching out for support. its really hard to experience someone we have loved shut us out. it can create a wound that can fester for a long time. i think you have the right attitude in not seeking these answers from her. learning about more about BPD will go a long way toward making sense of the insensible, and with time and processing, you will likely decide what the answers are, and what they mean to you.

She dumped me exactly a day after her last ex boyfriend.

you could be right - this may have been a highly triggering day for her.

Do people with BPD forever leave you in this negative column? Will I ever return back into the positive column? Does she ever feel remorse for what she has done?  :)id she ever love me?

there is no one size fits all. BPD is a spectrum disorder and each is unique, just as our relationships and their dynamics were unique. what you are referring to is known as "splitting", or "painting" a person black or white. sometimes it lasts forever. often it does not. often you may not know either way.

as for remorse: people with BPD struggle with immense shame, and frantic efforts to avoid feeling that shame. there are several maladaptive coping mechanisms that are highly developed around avoiding that shame. does she ever "feel bad" about it? maybe. i think remorse requires a certain self reflection, that people with BPD also struggle with for a variety of reasons.

"did she ever love me" is a frequently asked question here and understandably so, given the cold, often sudden nature of these breakups. my standard answer is usually something along the lines of "the best she could, and the best she knew how". people with BPD find their identity within a relationship - partners are seen as the end of their suffering, and this longing is desperate. sadly, this is a fantasy and it is not sustainable. it will ultimately be up to you to determine to what extent this person loved you, what it means, and if it meets your definition of love. but generally speaking, the feelings a person with BPD has for their partners are very intense - the negative and the positive. there is little in between.

It may sound weird to say this and I really don't mean to offend anyone. It is hard to look at her the same way; sometimes I can see her as the person I fell in love it, but then see her behavior as BPD. I feel like I have no idea who she is anymore and the "love" was just a behavior patten that manifested from her BPD.

i dont think its an offensive suggestion. i feel similarly. people with BPD have an unstable self image; "who they are" is inconstant. this too, will take some time for you to sort out and to separate. its easy to get caught up in what was "real" and what wasnt. i think it helps to remember that you were there, you experienced it, so it was certainly "real", but it wasnt sustainable.

I feel terrible for saying this the moment she broke up with me I felt so angry and so hurt that she could do something like that without discussing it, I basically called her out for every and any insecurity she had. At the time, I had no idea if she have BPD. So, I really did hurt her   [/u]

try not to kick yourself too hard for this. you were hurt and angry. there was likely a lot of resentment building on your end. whats done is done.

welcome again, please keep posting and asking questions. we are here for you 24/7.

Honestly, thank you so much for shinning some light on this. I been doing a lot of research about this disorder and trying to make the most sense of it. I'm not sure what degree of BPD my ex has, but I don't think it is in the severe spectrum.

The last thing she did say after several failed attempts to reconnect with her is I will never respond to any of your messages and when I am ready I will reach out to you and we can reconnect as friends. Is this a normal response from someone with BPD or does this show she might have a milder case of BPD?

[Confused108]

I she cheated on you with 2 different guys / dumps you out of the blue/ paints you black etc she is BPD and I do t think there is a sever spectrum with it. It's like I have strep throat. You have it that's it! It not a mild case and a severe case. Her behavior with you is NOT going to change. Believe me been there done that. It seems the more you love them and want to be with them the more they push away. It's crazy! My ex did the same thing told me this will be the last time you hear from me bs. But to be honest do you want to sit around and wait for a girl like this? Like a dog waiting for its master to come home? I know it hurts . Hurts like hell! I've been there. My ex was the love of my life. And for her to turn out to be this at times is unbearable. But I will NOT stand by and let her treat me this way ever again. There will never be another chance with my ex.  If she ever came back into my life I would push her out just as quick as she came back in. Friends not even a chance. She pushed that in me and I said no way! I was not going to be just another horse in her stable so she could "ride" me later!  I wish you luck!

[once removed]

Honestly, thank you so much for shinning some light on this. I been doing a lot of research about this disorder and trying to make the most sense of it. I'm not sure what degree of BPD my ex has, but I don't think it is in the severe spectrum.

the vast majority of our former partners are undiagnosed, and the majority of those would not qualify for a diagnosis. regardless, none of us are experts and cant diagnose anyway. a diagnosis, or deciding "is she or isnt she" is less important for your recovery than examining the traits and behaviors that played out in the relationship and caused you pain (you listed several). learning about BPD has a lot of use, especially when it comes to depersonalizing the hurtful and painful actions, and it can give us perspective and answers to many of the questions plaguing us in the aftermath of these relationships. but at the end of the day "is she or isnt she" will have no bearing on your recovery.

The last thing she did say after several failed attempts to reconnect with her is I will never respond to any of your messages and when I am ready I will reach out to you and we can reconnect as friends. Is this a normal response from someone with BPD or does this show she might have a milder case of BPD?

i dont think this really speaks to BPD or severity, shes just expressing she needs space and intends to reconnect at some point. there are common "BPD behaviors" and there are many elements of our stories that we have in common, but we can also get caught up in pathologizing everything our former partners say and do (which is pretty normal at first).

I she cheated on you with 2 different guys / dumps you out of the blue/ paints you black etc she is BPD

none of these things=BPD. meeting five of the nine diagnostic criteria and being formally diagnosed by a professional = BPD. its important to distinguish between common "BPD behaviors", many of which the general population share, and BPD psychopathology. those things are indicators of maladaptive coping skills and emotional immaturity - maladaptive coping skills and emotional immaturity are at the heart of personality disorders, but by no means limited to them.

a good place to start is our questions about BPD and BPD resources board, where you can read about some of the more common "BPD behaviors", but keep in mind such behaviors are not limited to BPD, nor will they apply to everyone with BPD: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

do you intend to respond when/if she reaches out?

[codes316]

I'll be honest with you, I have no intention of being romantically involved with her as I am certain it will end in the same way. She has refused counseling a few times. However, at the time when I told her she needed counseling I had no idea she had BPD- I just assumed it was depression and some anxiety.

I do have intentions of being friends with her. If and when she does reach out I want to use that opportunity to let her know that she might have BPD and that if it is untreated it could get worse. I do want to make an attempt in a month or two down the road to reach out to her if she never does reach out- lets see how that goes. I might even consider reaching out to her mother/friend if she doesn't take the news kindly.

I really want to prevent future guys from being crushed by her and I don't know if she'll ever figure out what she has and what needs to be treated.

Is there a way a certain you speak with people who have BPD without their emotions getting the best of them?

It is really difficult in this stage of my life to figure out who she is and what her BPD is. Everything that she has done and said I view it as her BPD. I guess my point is its hard to tell what the real version of her was when her BPD now overshadows everything I see in her.

I feel as if I was in love with an illusion. That she became the person that I always wanted to be with. I made a lot of progress in the two months that we have broken up, but its hard not to think these thoughts. 

Its ever harder saving someone that doesn't want to be saved.

I really am grateful for the thoroughness and sound input you provided in the last few posts.

[once removed]

It is really difficult in this stage of my life to figure out who she is and what her BPD is. Everything that she has done and said I view it as her BPD. I guess my point is its hard to tell what the real version of her was when her BPD now overshadows everything I see in her.

i think most of us experience that feeling to varying extents, especially as we learn. work through your grief as it comes, but try not to lose sight of the fact that shes a human being. regardless of whether or not friendship occurs, it will keep you centered and ultimately, in my experience, assist your recovery.  i think if you intend to be friends with her though, youre going to have to sort through seeing her this way first, as well as what a friendship with her entails.

Is there a way a certain you speak with people who have BPD without their emotions getting the best of them?

we do have communication tools for partners of a person with BPD. they are skills that are applicable with anyone. validation is a great start and we have an article on it here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

as for sharing with someone or their family that you believe they have a personality disorder, no matter how well intentioned, its strongly advised against, and will not get the friendship youre intending on having off to a good start. i understand the urge and i think many of us experienced it in some form. on telling someone that you think they have BPD: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

I really want to prevent future guys from being crushed by her and I don't know if she'll ever figure out what she has and what needs to be treated.

Its ever harder saving someone that doesn't want to be saved.

you cant save everyone, codes316; trying at the expense of ourselves landed many of us here. this energy is much better spent on yourself and your recovery.

I feel as if I was in love with an illusion. That she became the person that I always wanted to be with. I made a lot of progress in the two months that we have broken up, but its hard not to think these thoughts. 

she did become the person that you always wanted to be with. but she didnt do it consciously or maliciously. she lacks a stable sense of self - she gains her sense of self in intimate relationships; attachments. for most of us, this fed something deep within us and thats a great deal of what we are grieving. in my experience, at two months everything was very, very raw. its a profound wound we are left with, and theres a lot there to work through and process. youve found a great place to do it and a support group to help you as you do