I've been going through a tough time with my family, namely my father, and it's been taking a toll on me. I am still unemployed, and my constant anxiety and the stress from him isn't doing me well in terms of changing that.
But I'm still doing my best to be on track. I'm seeing a counselor for myself, I'm attending meetings at an employment organization specifically catered to those with mental illness. I've joined a couple support groups so that I have support outside of my family and boyfriend and have even made some friends that help me get through the worst of days.
I'm doing well despite everything, and I take pride in the progress I've made so far. My depression is milder now than it has been in years.
My dad hates that I spend my weekends with my pwBPD. And so the whole idea is very stressful and my partner picks up on it when we talk about me coming up every week. Him coming over to my house is out of the question. My father has expressed some really toxic behaviors before and it stresses out my bf too much, so I just settle for going up myself.
I've kept my partner in the loop of what is going on, since our day-to-day communication has improved to the point that 80% of the time it's very constructive, but last night he cracked after I told him that I'm reluctant to say when I'm coming up because I feel guilt over leaving every weekend. He dysregulated.
He told me he's tired of hearing me whine and b*tch about my parents all the time. In reality, I've had to call a crisis hotline about 4 times now just to get through falling apart after fights with my dad.
It escalated into a pretty bad fight. He started saying horrible things about me. And I disputed everything.
Saying Im just sitting around and not doing anything to change. That I'm childish and immature, that I should have gotten past this phase 10 years ago. That I fall into the trap of their childish drama and he's tired of wasting his words on me.
step up for once
and actually stand up and be strong
instead of being a damn washed away pile of rubbish on the beach, constantly just going whichever way the current's pushing
do something for yourself and actually use courage and perseverance instead of just whining and caving and giving in to what idiots want
not like it makes them happy anyways, not really at least
so why not at least make the person you are responsible for happy?
I mean, you can be all the mad you want
but I'm mad
because all you do is whine
"oh i know what i gotta do but it soo hard"
and you never do anything about it
and I'm sick of hearing it
I'm not in high school anymore and I don't hang out with basic b**ches like that for A GOOD REASON
I mean. He's right and he's wrong in so many ways. And I know the difference. I'm recovering from complex PTSD and I've gone through horrible depression, but I'm absolutely fighting every single day to get better. And I only tell him about it because he's great at helping me become rational when I break down over some new bullcrap my dad has said to me.
He's telling me to stop reacting to these things, but it's far easier said then done. I literally feel like I'm grieving my relationships with my parents. Like I'm letting go.
And the past several years with them have been very toxic. At times far more toxic than my relationship with my pwBPD. And nowadays I can see that. I realise how much of it wasn't my fault. I need time to grieve. To learn new habits and skills of coping. And he doesn't have the patience to wait out the storm.
That and last week he got into a major fight with me because I went to buy screws at home depot but didn't make it before closing time. He started off by calling me a retard. I told him that from now on, if he calls me a retard, then the conversation is over, I'm walking out, and communication ceases. If he wants to talk about something, then he has to refrain from using that word.
