Parentificaton to the max

[nowitmakessense]

I remember being expected to do crazy amounts of work as a kid, one time when I was probably 6 or 7 I remember harvesting potatoes until dark and being in a state of exhaustion. I changed many many diapers when I was as young as 4. As a young child I remember cutting heaps of onions to make pickles, and picking berries for hours.  At 10 I was left in charge of my six siblings while my mother was out of the country attending a funeral.

At 15 I was told to get a job. I came home with 80 dollars in tips from waitressing on my first day and my mother told me I had to give her some of the money I was earning for "board" I worked a lot, and was not able to keep up with school very well. She talked to me for hours about how she was a colossal failure, crying and laying in bed for hours.  Soon after I got another job elder sitting a 94 year old, which meant I didn't go home at night anymore and was responsible getting myself to school.

I moved away for about ten years, then moved back to where my family lived. For a while I lived with my mother and worked full time, I paid her close to 3000 dollars to watch the kids  over the summer while I worked, plus I paid her rent, paid for renovations to her house, and paid bills and gas for her car.  I would come home from work exhausted and get yelled at for not weeding the giant garden that she wanted.  She was terrible to my kids, locking them outside for hours and grudgingly frying up the same quick meal of fish sticks every day.  I went back to school, and was very poor as a single mom student with two small kids.  My mother wanted to live with us to save money., so she moved up to where I was going to school. She gave me 500 dollars for 10 months rent, I paid for all of her groceries, did her laundry for her, and paid all utilities. She had her own room while me and both kids slept in one room.  And she was miserable, complaining about my kids, about life, about me.

I finally graduated and moved away.  I haven't been home in 7 years. During that time I have sent money when she has asked for it... .for new computers, trips, bills, wood for the winter, I did all I could, but I am sick to death of raising my mother.  So, right now I have no contact.  I feel guilty about it on a level, but I literally cringe when I have to talk to her on the phone.  She wanted to come here for a loong visit and I told her I couldn't pay for it and now she is not talking to me.  Yay!

She will be telling my sisters how awful I am, I have no doubt.  I don't care anymore.

[Turkish]

Your story definitely sounds like parentification to the max. Textbook, if there is such.

You triggered the predictable response by asserting a firm boundary, not an unreasonable one at all. You served the ball into her court. How do you feel about that, after all this time?

[nowitmakessense]

I feel powerful. It was so hard to tell her no that it launched me in to a huge panic attack! BUT for the first time I did what was good for me, and it feels really really good. I'm even finding it kind of funny that I'm getting the silent treatment. It doesn't hurt, it just makes me understand the depth of her selfishness.  At any rate, thank you so very much Turk for responding, taking time to read that long post.  Feels really fantastic to have a place to talk about all if the weirdness .  How is it going with your mother? I'm sure it must be very difficult for you