He broke up with me...again

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello everyone

I just updated on my last post, which was about BPD/NPD boyfriend still acting like he was moving in, and being oddly super cheerful even as his life seems to fall apart. He was insisting he realized he wanted to be "all in" with me, was making marriage talk again, and maintained he was committed.

Well, that didn't last long.

Yesterday had a major rage. I know the trigger. A few times recently I rain-checked a few dates. We have been seeing each other less and less. Like once or twice a week. Boyfriend had wanted me to leave my very demanding, stressful job during the days to visit him at his home. I put it an end to that because it felt like a bootie call, not to mention being detrimental to my work. That left dates on the weekends. I have kids so I do not have a lot of free time. In the past few months I have frankly felt my feelings for him change. It feels sad, but true. I don't like having him over to my place because he is so persnickety and irritable. So we have spent less and less time together, and the time we spend is not as rewarding to either of us.

So anyhow we got in a conversation about my changing feelings. I know this was not a good idea. I told him I wasn't going to talk if he got angry or collapsed. He insisted he wanted to talk about it. My accountability is I was upset, exhausted and stressed from work, and did not stay as calm as I wanted. The conversation was very late at night, past 11pm, and I told him I had to get up before 5am the next day as I had a horribly stressful work issue to deal with. He became very dysregulated and began raging at me. He did his usual thing of venom and cussing, telling me I am f-word impossible, accusing me of being crazy, maligning him, and so forth. I tried to validate he was angry (too late) and then he did his big screaming break up routine, which in this case involved demanding I turn over some Christmas ornament he says I have in my home.   Then he screamed how it was over, said some other choice mean things about me as he broke up. I have no heard from him since.

He often does these abusive break-ups right before I have something on my plate, my birthday, holidays, etc. Twice he was supposed to help with my kids when I had to leave the country for work and both times he broke up with me the eve of my trip, leaving me to completely panic and have to arrange last-minute childcare help.

His usual MO in this situation will be to spend a few days to a few weeks or even months giving me the total silent treatment. At times he blocks my number. He cocoons in his home, posting sad songs and self-pitying posts on Facebook, and enlisting his friends to give him support, which involves painting me black. Eventually he decides he is sorry and writes me an apology email or letter. There are times I cannot stand the silent treatment and have reengaged. I have gotten a lot better about that. It used to totally unhinge me.

We had recently agreed while in couples counseling that we would follow these two rules: no one can break up with each other, and we cannot let more than a day pass without reconnecting following an argument. I can tell these two agreements just went out the window. Not to mention the verbal abuse.

I am sounding very calm about this all, and I know a little bitter. Inside I am feeling sad and sick at heart. I desperately want off this merry go round, and yet I don't trust myself. I know that if I decide that is it I will react emotionally. Past efforts on my part to go no contact do not work. He has recycled me SO many times I have lost count. I have let that happen, and at a certain point I feel I have lost faith in my own reactions and feelings.

I am just trying right now to stay present with my feelings of sadness, hurt and anger. I am trying hard to take the advice here and really see him as he is, not as my old hopes and dreams told me, not as the beautiful first six months of being idealized felt. I am trying to really accept this is who he is and will be. And I am thinking a lot about something notwendy said, about those of us from dysfunctional families can confuse the hope and longing and pain with love. Any advice appreciated... .

[HurtinNW]

Hello everyone

I just updated on my last post, which was about BPD/NPD boyfriend still acting like he was moving in, and being oddly super cheerful even as his life seems to fall apart. He was insisting he realized he wanted to be "all in" with me, was making marriage talk again, and maintained he was committed.

Well, that didn't last long.

Yesterday had a major rage. I know the trigger. A few times recently I rain-checked a few dates. We have been seeing each other less and less. Like once or twice a week. Boyfriend had wanted me to leave my very demanding, stressful job during the days to visit him at his home. I put it an end to that because it felt like a bootie call, not to mention being detrimental to my work. That left dates on the weekends. I have kids so I do not have a lot of free time. In the past few months I have frankly felt my feelings for him change. It feels sad, but true. I don't like having him over to my place because he is so persnickety and irritable. So we have spent less and less time together, and the time we spend is not as rewarding to either of us.

So anyhow we got in a conversation about my changing feelings. I know this was not a good idea. I told him I wasn't going to talk if he got angry or collapsed. He insisted he wanted to talk about it. My accountability is I was upset, exhausted and stressed from work, and did not stay as calm as I wanted. The conversation was very late at night, past 11pm, and I told him I had to get up before 5am the next day as I had a horribly stressful work issue to deal with. He became very dysregulated and began raging at me. He did his usual thing of venom and cussing, telling me I am f-word impossible, accusing me of being crazy, maligning him, and so forth. I tried to validate he was angry (too late) and then he did his big screaming break up routine, which in this case involved demanding I turn over some Christmas ornament he says I have in my home.   Then he screamed how it was over, said some other choice mean things about me as he broke up. I have no heard from him since.

He often does these abusive break-ups right before I have something on my plate, my birthday, holidays, etc. Twice he was supposed to help with my kids when I had to leave the country for work and both times he broke up with me the eve of my trip, leaving me to completely panic and have to arrange last-minute childcare help.

His usual MO in this situation will be to spend a few days to a few weeks or even months giving me the total silent treatment. At times he blocks my number. He cocoons in his home, posting sad songs and self-pitying posts on Facebook, and enlisting his friends to give him support, which involves painting me black. Eventually he decides he is sorry and writes me an apology email or letter. There are times I cannot stand the silent treatment and have reengaged. I have gotten a lot better about that. It used to totally unhinge me.

We had recently agreed while in couples counseling that we would follow these two rules: no one can break up with each other, and we cannot let more than a day pass without reconnecting following an argument. I can tell these two agreements just went out the window. Not to mention the verbal abuse.

I am sounding very calm about this all, and I know a little bitter. Inside I am feeling sad and sick at heart. I desperately want off this merry go round, and yet I don't trust myself. I know that if I decide that is it I will react emotionally. Past efforts on my part to go no contact do not work. He has recycled me SO many times I have lost count. I have let that happen, and at a certain point I feel I have lost faith in my own reactions and feelings.

I am just trying right now to stay present with my feelings of sadness, hurt and anger. I am trying hard to take the advice here and really see him as he is, not as my old hopes and dreams told me, not as the beautiful first six months of being idealized felt. I am trying to really accept this is who he is and will be. And I am thinking a lot about something notwendy said, about those of us from dysfunctional families can confuse the hope and longing and pain with love. Any advice appreciated... .

[Notwendy]

Well, you know how these late night when you are tired and stressed "discussions" go. And, you took the drama bait. This isn't a criticism. I know this pattern well from stepping in the mud myself.

He was cheerful, but the shame, the bad feelings, the rejection, was bottled up and since pw BPD can not manage their own feelings, and need to find a way to project them, he hung out the bait " lets talk about your feelings". Note it was about you, not any accountability on his part, like not finding a job, etc. I don't think they do  this is on purpose. I think this "baiting" is a familiar thing that people on the drama triangle do, perhaps not even aware of it. But to do this, they need someone to bait, and this is why people with BPD pair up nicely with caretaker types, people who tend to soothe their feelings and take the bait to talk. A someone raised a rescuer/caretaker in my FOO, I participated in this because it was how my FOO interacted. I don't think I knew much more than that.

Once you see this, you can take steps to not take it. For one, paying attention to yourself- if you are tired, hungry, stressed, you know that you are not in a position to hold on to yourself during such a time. You can have a boundary not to discuss such things at this time, and even a boundary to not have such kinds of discussions outside of couples therapy if they tend to go this direction.

It makes sense that he did this. This is the push pull. He feels the change in you and to take control , he can push you away, and blame you for it, instead of looking at himself. He can also, as he is feeling like a victim, do this to hurt you back for hurting him.

Whatever his reasons, you are aware of how this affects you. Your issues with this. One thing to consider is that, he is going to do whatever he is going to do, to soothe his feelings until he does. If this means blocking you on FB, then this is what he feels he needs to do. In past times, you may have spent this time apart focusing on what may be going on with him. Perhaps now, you can use the space to focus on you, self care, and taking a good look at the reality of this situation.

[unicorn2014]

I am very sorry you are going through this and I can relate. I think the no break up policy during a conflict is a good policy to adopt. I personally am trying to gain more mental clarity about my relationship in that department. I think its a good attitude to have that this is a good as its going to get and I am willing to put up with this?

Have you noticed any progress in yourself?

Oh I can also relate to those late night discussion and as a result I have my phone go automatically into do not disturb at 9pm, not just because of him, but also because of my whole family and my ex. I have sleep issues so I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone after 9pm.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you notwendy and unicorn!

You are right, he offered the bait. Since I have wanted to discuss this as well, I felt responsible. He hides his shame so very well. I don't think most people who know him are even aware of it. The only way it manifests in public is a little boy sort of act, the male version of waif. But even that feels insincere. He has said his counselor in group is often telling him he seems insincere. He doesn't get it.

I totally get the caretaker role because that was in my family too. But as "normal" as that seems I don't do it well in a relationship. My role in my family was to be the black sheep while my older brother was my mom's rescuer. So I think this behavior really triggers me. I feel accused and guilty and like I have once again lost the love of someone I care for deeply. It goes to my big fear which is that I am not loveable.

I hadn't realized this is the push-pull. That makes sense. Now he doesn't have to take accountability for not finding a job, his behavior issues, and failing to follow through on his own life. He can spend as long as he wants (weeks, months) blaming me and feeling sorry for himself. Now I can see how much over the past three years of his unemployment this behavior has been used to deal with his own shame and to validate his own avoidance. Wow. I hadn't quite seen that before. In fact I can see that the longer the period of stability with us the more he was forced to confront his lack of job searching and fiscal irresponsibility. Instead of facing that head-on he finds a reason to blow up, rage and blame me.

The biggest challenge for me as I've said is focusing on myself. I haven't been doing that like I should. This is a tremendously difficult time for me. My new job is horribly stressful and demanding, we are on a tight budget, and things are just tough.

For the first time I am going to use this time to treat myself well. I am going to indulge in as much self-care as I can, eat cheesecake, take long hot baths, try to have fun with my kids and exercise a whole bunch. 

[Notwendy]

That's a great boundary- because even if it concern others people's drama, the main point is that you need your sleep and this boundary protects this act of self care. Because it's about you, it isn't person specific. No calls after 9 pm for anyone.

Boundaries are less effective when based on another person" I won't take your calls after 9 because you ... .". This takes the focus of you, makes it codependent. So good job with this boundary.

Additional boundaries could include not having emotionally charged discussions when tired, stressed etc. Or not having them at all. For some people- they don't work. In these cases, actions work better. For instance - telling my mother how I feel is likely to disregulate her. It isn't WOE to not do this- it just doesn't work. The only things that works is boundaries in action.  I would leave the area when she started yelling. It took a while but she learned I was not going to participate. My H and I had those awful circular discussions where I would keep trying to explain. Sometimes we can talk calmly, but if I sense we are going in an unproductive direction, I disengage. The cue is not him. It's me. If I sense that I am getting anxious or frustrated- I know to stop.

[unicorn2014]

I think that's a good idea to take good care of yourself as that will put you in a better position to make decisions about the relationship. I agree with notwendy about not having emotional discussions at all, and that was good advice to disengage when you feel triggered, not when he's acting triggered. PwBPD know exactly how to push our buttons, and while its not fair, the best choice we have is to not react to that.

Since I'm undecided/conflicted like you, I actually have no interest in making decisions when I am triggered. If I do decide to leave my relationship I want it to be from a peaceful and calm state, not as a way to resolve a conflict.

[Notwendy]

I posted the reply to unicorn before HurtinNW posted. Self care is an important step!Good for you! I too struggled with feeling unlovable. My mother even told me I was unlovable and the cause of her problems with my dad. I actually believed that when I left for college they would be happy together. I found out much later from younger sibs that their issues continued.

We didn't grow up knowing an emotionally healthy kind of love. Our parents did love us in the best way they could. But they were disordered and possibly didn't get the love they wanted in their FOO either so all they knew was that.

It takes work but we can learn to feel valued on our own, self care, and self love. We can reprogram our ideas about a healthy way to love. It doesn't always mean feeling responsible for someone else's feelings or happiness. Sometimes letting them learn to manage on their own and not be dependent on us to soothe their feelings is a kind of love because then it puts the responsibility for themselves in their hands.

[Cat Familiar]

HurtinNW,

I think you're at the point of the relationship where your heart tells you one thing and your head tells you something quite different. Getting those two parts on the same page is the goal. What can you do to soothe your heart and reassure your head?

[HurtinNW]

HurtinNW,

I think you're at the point of the relationship where your heart tells you one thing and your head tells you something quite different. Getting those two parts on the same page is the goal. What can you do to soothe your heart and reassure your head?

YES! That is exactly it. This is the tough place I find myself in every time this happens. I have trouble dealing with the pain my heart feels. My head might tell me one thing but heart plays the trump card, every time. I'll post more on this because I am trying hard to sort it out.