Recycle attempt last night / this morning

[Ab123]

About 6-7 weeks post breakup, 3 weeks from last contact. He texted me last night. At first I was angry because it mucks up the decent closure we had. Then, I realized that I'm solidly at the acceptance stage of grief and was able to handle him kindly. I let him know that I love him still, but that I've moved on and it isn't fair to my new bf if I talk to him. I told him that I'm not angry and that I understand he did the best he could, even if he hurt me. He was nice/appreciative, for the most part. His last text definitely was an attempt to guilt me into maintaining contact/friendship, which I had already said I couldn't do. There is no way we can possibly be "friends". And, even if it could be healthy for me (it isn't), it wouldn't be fair to my new guy.

I feel relieved. I couldn't believe I'd never hear from him again, so I was waiting for the shoe to drop and wondering how I would handle. I'm proud of myself. I was very kind, but set a firm boundary. I'm hoping he honors my request for space, because the communication was like picking a scab and I cried for the first time in over a week.

[JQ]

Hi Ab-

I must say I'm rather impressed & proud of you for your restraint and composure! You did an amazing job for yourself and YOU should be proud of YOU!   You have learned so much in a short period of time that you've been on these boards!   My exBPDgf reach out a fews weeks back ... .she actually called me in the early morning on the way to work & hung up A: before I could pick up and B: just so it would register as a missed call ... .like one ring, 1 second and hung up. I took it as a butt dial or a fat finger going through her other bfs. UNTIL ... .she was leaving work & the same thing happened ... .just long enough to register a missed call ... .so I knew at that point it wasn't a butt dial or a fat finger ... .

I didn't respond and no further contact by either one of us has been initiated ... .it was the common BPD behavior of her trying to let me know she was thinking enough about me but didn't want the shame of talking to me and having a conversation ... .I refused to call or text her back because I like you didn't want to open up that scab ... .best to leave sleeping dogs sleep ... .

Pat yourself on the back ... .you did really well ... .hell go have a piece of chocolate cake! You earned it   

J

[Ab123]

Thanks JQ. I'm realizing that part of my "strength" comes from the obligation I feel toward my new (so far so good) guy. That's an issue I need to be mindful of going forward. I'm not sure I would have turned my ex away if I wasn't aware that if I engage with him or recycle, I will be hurting someone else.  So, I'm still driven by obligation, which is probably less healthy than otherwise. I honestly can't say I'm sure I would have been as strong if there wasnt another person's feelings in play. But, at least I'm feeling like I'm making the "right" choice.

[JQ]

Thanks JQ. I'm realizing that part of my "strength" comes from the obligation I feel toward my new (so far so good) guy. That's an issue I need to be mindful of going forward. I'm not sure I would have turned my ex away if I wasn't aware that if I engage with him or recycle, I will be hurting someone else.  So, I'm still driven by obligation, which is probably less healthy than otherwise. I honestly can't say I'm sure I would have been as strong if there wasnt another person's feelings in play. But, at least I'm feeling like I'm making the "right" choice.

Ab,

Sometimes medicines have strange side affects ... .some will make you break out in a rash but will kill the fever ... .some will raise your blood pressure at the same time reducing your blood sugar ... .and still some will turn your poop florescent green while taking care of that male patter baldness        Ok ... .you need to keep a sense of humor and I wanted to make you laugh at the situation.

My point is ... .sometimes life has side affects that are good and some that are bad ... .you involved with another person has a positive side affect of limiting your responses to your exBPDbf ... .and this is a good thing.     Take the time to learn from it ... .do a deep dive on yourself and learn more about you as a person and why you are the way you are ... .take the time to ask the tough questions that most wouldn't even think about ... .

You're on a good path Ab ... .     You can walk your journey with your head held high & proud to how far you've come and the direction you're headed!  Keep learning! Keep exploring life! 

J

[Ab123]

Thanks JQ. :-)

He texted again later last night. I had to be less nice and more firm about my need for space. He apologized and said he wouldn't text again. It is very strange to go from hoping I'd hear from him just a few weeks ago, to relief at finally hearing from him and feeling better able to move on, to feeling dread at the idea of further contact after our last exchange. Interacting with him is incredibly draining. I still care about him, but now that I feel totally validated in my perceptions of what happened and how he is, I really want him to stay away. I'm hoping he does just fade, and that he doesn't go down the more aggressive path reported by other posters re their male ex's with BPD once the male is plainly rejected. This is uncharted territory for me.

[JQ]

Thanks JQ. :-)

He texted again later last night. I had to be less nice and more firm about my need for space. He apologized and said he wouldn't text again. It is very strange to go from hoping I'd hear from him just a few weeks ago, to relief at finally hearing from him and feeling better able to move on, to feeling dread at the idea of further contact after our last exchange. Interacting with him is incredibly draining. I still care about him, but now that I feel totally validated in my perceptions of what happened and how he is, I really want him to stay away. I'm hoping he does just fade, and that he doesn't go down the more aggressive path reported by other posters re their male ex's with BPD once the male is plainly rejected. This is uncharted territory for me.

Ab,

It is a good thing to reach a point after you leave the toxic, chaotic filled relationship with a BPD that you can feel you've moved on and actually dread hearing from them anymore.  You are really at a good point and you learned the skills needed to address any further issue and move on.

In order to avoid any further "uncomfortable contact" with your exBPDbf ... .can you just block his number to prevent further calls or texting? Then there is no need to "Hope" he fades away ... .you move onward & upward in your life!   Just a thought ... .

You know Ab ... .it's ok to care for your BPDbf ... .for a period of time they were an part of  your life ... .I still care for my 1st exBPDgf who has fought more then one type of cancer and is 3 yrs cancer free ... .it doesn't mean I want to hold hands & take moonlit walks along the beach with her ... .just the opposite ... .I truly never want to hear from her again ... .she is still Batsh!t crazy with the intense raging, deregulation, name calling, etc. And trust me ... .males are not exclusive on being aggressive ... .she was a stalker & broke into my house more then once. She's the reason I obtained a CCW & my 9mm.  Better to have it & not need it then to need it and not have it.  

I believe you, me and others wouldn't be human if we didn't genuinely care for another human being regardless how much they hurt us on a continuous basis while we were a part of each others life ... .we can walk away from it all ... .we don't walk away mad ... .we just walk away  

Stay safe ... .continue to grow ... .explore and live life!