Where to from here?

[Spleenventor]

Hi All,

Like many who find their way to these pages, I have been struggling with what I have assumed to be a BPD partner now for 8 years. I say assumed because she has never been tested for it and I lack the qualifications to make a diagnosis myself, but reading this site only further convinces me that this is the case.

It is a long, sad, story as these things tend to be but the short version is that we have had a very dysfunctional relationship that has seen her move in with me three times and then move out again.

Although I may not have had a name for it early on, it was soon apparent that she was dealing with some major issues as a result of both an abusive childhood and brutal rape. I very much saw myself as her knight in shining armour believing that I could provide her with the stability she needed. It has always been my ambition to get through the difficult stuff and get to a better place but her anger and emotional instability have made this impossible. I am always accused of trying to manipulate her, which in a sense is correct: I am trying to get her to break the cycle of destructive behaviour and thinking that prevents her from finding anything like peace or happiness.

I am speaking as if we are together. Sadly this is not the case. She left my house around 15 months ago and has since moved to another city. She says she did this because financially she had no option, but in so doing has left her 13 year old boy behind as well as me. She loves him with everything she has got and, although he has a loving Dad, I cannot believe it is good for either of them. It is certainly not good for me.

I should perhaps also mention that when she moved into my house for the third time she gave me the assurance that if she did so "it would be for good". But when she did move in she treated me like a flatmate, sleeping in the spare room as often as not and always finding a reason to be aggrieved. I was deeply hurt and more than a little angry when she left.

Since then the distance between us has only grown. She returns here every 6 weeks or so and has called by for a coffee. And that is it. She gets me to help with business/legal matters from time to time but has really failed to engage with me in any way. I lost my twin sister a year ago. She barely acknowledged this. I am writing these words now with a sense of disbelief and incredulity. But there is more: I have recently discovered that she is being supported by a local business man to the tune of thousands of dollars for the last year. Actually I did know he had lent her some money, just not the amount which is by no means insignificant. This is a further insult as I have not been in a position to help her in the same way. He is one of several men who have cropped up in the time I have known her although I do not believe that this is anything other than a platonic relationship.

So why am I writing this? Because things have reached a head recently. The last time we saw each other it was good. We hugged each other, declared our love for one another and as she left she told me that she loved me and that she would "see me very soon". That was six weeks ago. She was in my city for the next three days and batted away any attempt to catch up again assuring me that she did not need to stop by and see me if she didn't want to. It is always like this, with me reaching out and getting nothing in return. I have asked her directly whether she wants me in her life, to which I have have had an emphatic yes, but she doesn't seem to understand that friendship is a two way thing, and that I need to see that she cares sometimes.

Things are now at a very low ebb. I asked her whether she would tell me if she was seeing other men. She first avoided this then told me that she will see whomever she pleases and that it is none of my business. I have responded that, this being the case I want nothing more to do with her - I have been dealt enough pain. I have since received an assurance that she is dating and have, as a result, stopped communicating her, as she has me.

By now I am very bruised and traumatised by this relationship... Despite the way she has treated me, I love her with everything I have got. I don't see the bad behaviour as being who is, but rather a manifestation of the BPD. Which of course excuses her for everything! Recently I have confronted her with her behaviour and my belief that she has a mental illness. We have argued about this a lot: She suggesting that it takes two people for a relationship to fail; me saying, well only one of us has a problem with trust and commitment and it isn't me. My rationale for confronting her in this way is that until she addresses this stuff, she will not be able to work through it and find happiness, although perhaps not with me. But I hurt her so much when I do this. And while there will be those that read this and think me a fool for acting this way, years of not talking about this stuff has got us precisely nowhere.

So here I am at 52 years of age. I think I have just lost the love of my life and I am scared of being alone but could not imagine being with another woman. I know she loves me, but she seems determined to pretend she doesn't. She assures me that we don't work, whereas I try to tell her that it isn't us, but rather her incapacity to be happy that is the problem. I desperately want her back, but dread more dysfunctionality. But perhaps the worst of it is that I can't help but think I have in someway failed her. I think I was her best chance; now I fear as much for her as I do for myself.

Thanks for reading this far; brevity is not my strong point... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SilverTwilight]

Hello,

I read your story and although I have no answers for you as I am seeking the same,  I can sympathize with what you are going through.   This is a tough thing to fight as BPD people tend to get you to love them like no other person can.   I've related to mine for 4 years (I say related because we have never officially been a couple,  and have never been around each other much at all either.   Getting to know each other was through texting).   I am also currently pregnant with his child as well.  I can't help but to feel like he won and has me right where he wants me because I can't up and leave the situation I'm in and he knows that,  so because of our child as this link,  I'll always be there.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Spleenventor, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  Let's take a quick look at what you are saying:

She assures me that we don't work, whereas I try to tell her that it isn't us, but rather her incapacity to be happy that is the problem

In other words, from your perspective, "her incapacity to be happy" is the crux of the problem.  That may be true, yet as you probably know by now, those w/BPD are quite reluctant to admit that he/she is part of the problem.  As a result, I don't see you getting far with this argument.

I desperately want her back, but dread more dysfunctionality.

This may be unrealistic.  If you decide to have a r/s with a pwBPD, then you will have to expect and accept a certain level of disfunction that comes with the territory.

I can't help but think I have in someway failed her.

No, you didn't fail her.  BPD is an extremely complex disorder, which is why most of us are here.  Who knew?  BPD is under the radar for most.  Don't beat yourself up.

I think I was her best chance; now I fear as much for her as I do for myself.

Well, it's hard to say who is the "best chance" for a pwBPD, because they have conflicts with most people that they come in contact with.  I will bet that your BPD former SO has conflicts with her family, her friends and her boss.  Just the way it is.  Why do you fear for yourself?  You have a chance to grow from this experience, so be kind to yourself.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome.

Your story does sound really sad. It also sounds like she's trying to move on, and may or may not come back with you.

By now I am very bruised and traumatised by this relationship... Despite the way she has treated me, I love her with everything I have got.

I think both those feelings are very normal, even healthy. My marriage ended very differently, and I'm still picking my life up and still finishing up the legal aspect of separation. And both those feelings remind me of where I was not that many months ago.

I was deeply hurt by many things my wife did.

And I loved her dearly.

It isn't a paradox or a contradiction. Both feelings are real, and sometimes I still feel them both. I'm sure you will too.

 It isn't easy though.

[livednlearned]

Hi Spleenvntor,

Welcome and hello 

I'm sorry you're hurting and going through this. It is so difficult like GK says when we feel two opposing feelings simultaneously, anger and love.

There is a certain of radical acceptance that goes with being in a BPD relationship. There are also some important communication skills that can improve your chances of minimizing the conflict.

One is to recognize that for many people with BPD, there is a deep, fundamental sense that something is wrong with them, and this creates tremendous shame. Our desire to help and fix and rescue can come across as: "you are all wrong." Often we try to rescue them by trying to get them to see things through our eyes when they are trying desperately to get us to see things through theirs.

This happens in arguments where she falsely accuses you of something, and you, in your defense, tell her she's wrong. Maybe you try to explain to her that the way she sees it is all wrong. There are all kinds of theories about why two people who don't want to argue end up in arguments. Some call it track switching. On bpdfamily we call it invalidation. I've also read it as "intent to change" vs "intent to understand." Most of us here are expert at "intent to change" and need a lot of help with "intent to understand."

These skills aren't intuitive, and when you start to see the underlying dynamic, things become much more clear.

She assures me that we don't work, whereas I try to tell her that it isn't us, but rather her incapacity to be happy that is the problem

So, for example, if she says "we don't work," a validating response (or intent to understand) is to ask her what makes her feel that way? A lot of people here make the mistake of trying to validate their loved one with the "intent to change" them, and this ends up feeling like control, which makes people assume that validation doesn't work.

It won't cure all problems, it's just a piece of the dynamic that you actually have control over (i.e. you) and it can prevent a conversation from escalating into a full-blown conflict.