The Language of Letting Go

[steelwork]

I've started attending CODA meetings (codependent anonymous) as a result of the exhaustion and stress of juggling three or maybe four problematic and demanding relationships right now (some family, some other). I don't know if it's for me. There's an awful lot of procedure in those meetings, and not much that feels helpful.

Anyhow, I went to one meeting today where we passed around a book of affirmations called The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie, and everyone chose something to read.

One person read this entry. I felt it summed up everything that was wrong with how D ended our relationship, you know? I also saw myself in there, but I really saw D, and I suddenly felt like I had words for how I felt about his mode of exit.

I want so bad to send him this, but I won't. Instead I'll put it here.

----

Ending Relationships

It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship - with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship.

Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take responsibility for ending the relationship.

We may be tempted to take a passive approach. Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or don't want, or what we intend to do, we may begin sabotaging the relationship, hoping to force the other person to do the difficult work.

Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.

As we walk this path of self-care, we learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness. We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth.

We are not sparing the other person's feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it. We are prolonging and increasing the pain and discomfort - for the other person and ourselves.

If we don't know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.

If we know it is time to terminate a relationship, say that.

Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage, indirectness, and lying about what we want and need to do. Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time. If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.

AFFIRMATION:

Today, I will remember that honesty and directness will increase my self-esteem. God, help me let go of my fear about owning my power to take care of myself in all my relationships.

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you for posting this!

I have been trying to end the relationship with my stbx for a long time now. He finally left in a very childish and dramatic way. For a long time, neither of us could be honest or direct about the fact that it was over. When I tried to be honest and direct about it, he would dismiss me.

He left over the weekend. It was long overdue but it still hurt and I know that the real end is just now beginning.

[steelwork]

I think this stuff has a lot of significance for me because the way he acted after he'd replaced me was 180 degrees different than how he'd been before. Lashing out and freezing out and silent treatment and sarcasm and contempt-- I'd never met that  person. No, that's not true--I'd seen that person dealing with his ex wife, and in a few instances where the mask slipped between us I'd caught a glimpse.

This is what I think now: it doesn't matter if this is a matter of "BPD traits" or whatever.  This is information about what kind of person he is. Whatever his mental health status, he's a person who I can't trust.

Even in some magical counterfactual realm where he came back and apologized and had a clean bill of mental health and all the things I might have fantasized about, I would never be able to trust him again, because he's shown that he does not know how to end a relationship respectfully. He doesn't know how to act with grace under those circumstances.

Maybe this is a game I'm playing with myself. Maybe not.

I can go over the past as many times as I like and as thoroughly as I like, but nothing in our past will alter how he acted towards me in the end. No one deserves that no matter what they've done, and no emotionally healthy person acts that way.

[troisette]

Thanks for posting steelwork. It's an important subject.

One of the few positives I took from the ending with my ex was the way I handled it, and that was because of the several months of push/pull after the official ending, the games were tortuous. So I had time to think about what I wanted and how I wanted to voice it. And I did and walked away with head high, feeling overwhelming sadness combined with relief. Followed by several months of emotional agony, withdrawal and rumination.

People talk about the gift BPDs give us, I'm just beginning to see the glimmer of it. I met a man who, in three months, declared overwhelming love for me (not BPD but unnerving), telling me he couldn't continue our friendship unless it was a full-on relationship. I was able to tell him that we are responsible for our own happiness, that a relationship wasn't possible, let him down gracefully without emasculating him and discover that I had grown - I did not feel my usual co-dependent guilt for not being the person he wanted me to be, or responsible for his happiness.

Good luck in your journey!