We Both had BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So we both have BPD, but presented differently and each with different life problems. It was not a good idea from the start, but sometime we just fall and don't live in wise mind. She had terrible financial problems and I tried to help but she was stubborn and it became very codependent. She was obsessed and clingy but very caring and loving. She accepted me but I had a stable job and life but she did not and it was very stressful for me,so I pushed her away but would pull her back due to fear of abandonment. I knew it wasn't a healthy relationship but we were stuck. She eventually met someone who I know is a better fit, plus she's in a better place after the help I gave her (helped financially, helped find jobs, buy a car, etc.). Now I'm painted black and the horrible one for not accepting her and supporting her enough through her hard times. I'm mature enough to realize and admit my mistakes but according to her, her only mistake was loving me and sticking around so long. I know it's best we split but wish she would see it for what it was, instead of making me feel like a total POS.

Wish I'd gotten out sooner. Very painful though. :'(

Even for those with this condition!

[Mowgli]

So we both have BPD, but presented differently and each with different life problems. It was not a good idea from the start, but sometime we just fall and don't live in wise mind. She had terrible financial problems and I tried to help but she was stubborn and it became very codependent. She was obsessed and clingy but very caring and loving. She accepted me but I had a stable job and life but she did not and it was very stressful for me,so I pushed her away but would pull her back due to fear of abandonment. I knew it wasn't a healthy relationship but we were stuck. She eventually met someone who I know is a better fit, plus she's in a better place after the help I gave her (helped financially, helped find jobs, buy a car, etc.). Now I'm painted black and the horrible one for not accepting her and supporting her enough through her hard times. I'm mature enough to realize and admit my mistakes but according to her, her only mistake was loving me and sticking around so long. I know it's best we split but wish she would see it for what it was, instead of making me feel like a total POS.

Wish I'd gotten out sooner. Very painful though. :'(

Even for those with this condition!

[C.Stein]

Welcome.   

Rejection and being painted black, being blamed for everything, devalued and minimized is gut wrenching at a minimum.  No one deserves to be treated like that.  I know how it feels and I am very sorry you have to feel it as well. 

What do you feel about the experience with regard to your own personal growth?  Can you take something positive away from this relationship?

[Mowgli]

Hi C. Stein and thanks for the reply and kind words. I am working with both a therapist and a life coach as I realize this was a bad situation I got myself into and that I have more work to do on myself for healthy relationships and life. I recognize this relationship was obsessive on her part and codependent on my part, so I have read a lot about both. I am not painting her black as I recognize my part in the problems as well as realize she has many good points, so my "black and white" thinking is really not that bad. I wanted out of the relationship as I knew it was unhealthy, but it was difficult to escape her grip. When I tried to leave earlier on she would not respect my boundaries and would call and visit even after I blocked her and requested she give me space to think. She was VERY convincing at getting me back. her charm and devotion could be intoxicating and addicting... .ugh.

So I am glad for the lessons, am back in DBT, understanding it better and doing the diary card religiously, so I learn it and integrate it this time! Also, plan to do Schema Therapy.

This was a definite wake up call and I am determined to do the work to avoid unhealthy relationships or coping mechanisms in the future.

I know I have my problems but I believe her early attachment, obsessive and possessive love really triggered me. I know now to be wary of instant chemistry and declarations of love/soul-mate as well as me wanting to save or fix someone. She also had a need to be needed and wanted to be my savior as well, so like I said a very dysfunctional mix.

I need to remember that love is not about possessing or saving someone and should not be so difficult with so much drama. These are red flags and I need to be aware of the seduction of these situations.

[C.Stein]

These are red flags and I need to be aware of the seduction of these situations.

Red flags are important to recognize but sometimes can be difficult to act on.  There are also our own red flags within an intimate relationship that we need to consider.  You have touched on some of them already, for both yourself and your ex.  :)o you find this relationship has helped you identify and act appropriately on not only your (potential) partners red flags but your own as well?

I need to remember that love is not about possessing or saving someone and should not be so difficult with so much drama.

How do you define love, or maybe more appropriately healthy love?  The age old question "what is love" means different things to different people and there are different types of love as well.  Understanding what love means to you can help you understand what you want from an intimate relationship.  I think this is something we all struggle with at times, understanding what love really means to us.

I want to commend you for taking responsible action in your own life and working towards positive healthy personal growth.  This is something anyone can struggle with, PD or not.

[Mowgli]

Thanks again! Some of my own red flags are getting too involved too soon, before knowing someone very well, then being very caught off guard by their background and circumstances and being somewhat judgemental (I realize I need to work on my judgements and biases); not having proper boundaries that lead to disappointment, frustration and withdrawal (big trigger for push/pull because feeling I'm in over my head); the on-again-off-again is unkind to do to someone, so need to both avoid triggers (bad/dysfunctional situations), as well as learning not to push when stress happens.

I am reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene' Brown. Great book, I like her take on boundaries and compassion:



"The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior."

She was in financial straights and I tried to help but only enabled her. I learned she had a long history of being needy and a victim with

A sense of entitlement. A friend even said I was her "ticket" because I'm successful in my career and pretty comfortable. I know now she gutted me into helping and I allowed it until I finally realized what was going on and stopped, but she then she was resentful and angry and still feeling helpless. Her new love is much lower income, so she can relate better plus also she feels the need to be a provider, also the new woman won't allows the victim mentality. So good for them both. Not sure if the new woman would have accepted her back when she wasn't working at all. I like to think I helped her realize it was no life and encouraged her to go back to work and try to figure it out. If I had better boundaries she may have realized how to do this better and I might have left or been less involved if she didn't.

As far as, what is love, again Brene' has,a great take:

"Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.  Belonging: Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."



So I think I am learning.